My idiocy knows no bounds.

Well.

Ok.

So, after the high of this Tuesday I got a whole day of euphoria.  Wednesday found me with a shit eating grin from dawn till dusk.  Today?  Not so much.

The Neighbor hit me up for sex late last night, but I had to get up at 6 am so I declined.  Later today I hit him up for darts and Mad Men (he’s DVR’ing it for me).

Me: Do you have plans tonight?

TN: Yup dinner then gym

Me: haha

Me: Ok then

Me: Well, if you wanna play darts and let me watch Mad Men, holla at me

His terse (and completely lame in my opinion) answer to my inquiry of his plans tonight derailed me.

Later, in a fit of hope and bravery, I added: I hope you do.

Once home I took care of the puppy, poured myself a glass of wine and went on the balcony for a smoke.  I could hear voices downstairs from my other neighbor, a new female voice.  I said hello and chitchatted.   Hearing my voice, TN came out on his balcony above and then came over to play with the puppy.

He asked me of my plans for the night, I told him I’d cancelled on Julian, the 25 year old.  I was tired, I explained.  He said he was going to go work out then to dinner.

“Where?” I wondered, feeling odd about asking.

“A friend’s for a late dinner,” he calmly replied.  I think, Ok.  Whatever.  Then immediately move on.

I told him of my latest fantasy.  He would leave his door unlocked not knowing whether or not I’d come over, but one early morning I would.  I’d creep into his apartment, search for him in the dark and wake him up with either my mouth or my pussy.

He said he was hard at the thought.

I told him I was the Hard On Police and would need to check.  Yep, only a Level 2 hard on down there.  Let me rub it to get to the full force.

He said there was only one more level, I said there was definitely two more.

I pulled down his workout shorts and exposed his turgid shaft to my bare hands.  “Ok, now we’re  at a Level 3.”  Its thickness hot and heavy in my hands.

I pressed my breasts against him and he dipped his mouth to suckle me.

“You’re almost to a Level 4,” I say looking into his eyes, “You’re just missing one thing.  My mouth.”

He laughs out loud and I continue to tease him.  I tell him I know what he’s about to do.

“What??”

“You’re about to take a step back and walk to the front door then look over your shoulder and say, ‘Later!'”

To his credit he stands around a minute or two more and I almost get his cock in my mouth before he pulls away.

“You love to torture me.”

“Sometimes, yes,” he answers.

After he’s gone I’m pretty ok.  I’d cancelled plans with young Julian because I can’t even pretend to flirt with anyone else right now after Tuesday night.  I feel like it’s disingenuous to TN (yeah, yeah, yeah – I KNOW).  So, I’d committed myself to a quiet night of some artwork and wine, cigarettes and long distance phone calls.

Then, like a goddamned lightening bolt I think: WHO GOES TO A “FRIEND’S” HOUSE  AFTER 10 PM FOR “DINNER”?!?!?

I spend the next hour desperately trying to calm myself down.  I call my sister, a best friend, I take the puppy outside, I cum.  And then — oh God — and then I do one of the stupidest things I’ve done in months.  I emailed Troy.  It simply said, “Why did you text me?”

My thoughts at the time were: Ok, I’m ripped wide open by TN, the kid has NO clue, I’m being played like an asshole and I now must know why Troy texted me that cock shot in January after months of zero contact.

And now I’ve done fucked up.

Majorly.

No wait, there’s more implosion.  I also texted TN this:

Me: I think you’re going to hear Downstairs Neighbor having sex tonight.

Me: Is everyone but me getting laid tonight?  I assume that’s what you’re doing at your “late dinner” ;)  (please note the winkie face, which magically nullifies my crazy, naturally)

Eventually, I hear his door slam (he’s home from the gym) and then my phone ding.

TN: it’s with a guy

Me: hot

And so now I’ve cleverly detonated two bombs.  I’ve contacted Troy, whom I swore I would never speak to again, in a spasm of utter upheaval and retardation (yes, I said retardation) and, I have appeared unsettled to TN.  Oh wait, I’ve also shown all of you what a goddamned asshole I am, too.  So, that’s three bombs.

I feel like I’ve let you all down.  Me, TN, everyone.  I try so hard to keep my nose clean and do the right, chill, easy going thing, but now that I’ve fully admitted to my feelings for this young man next door it’s like I’m a live wire near a puddle.

Please.  Forgive me.

[Ed Note: I feel like it’s pertinent to add here that had he elaborated just a teeny bit in his answers about what he was doing tonight all my fears would have been alleviated.  He could have said, “Hitting the gym, then heading to John’s for dinner.”  But, no.  He plays coy like his life depends on it and I was weak tonight.  Plain and simple.  *sigh*] 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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24 thoughts on “My idiocy knows no bounds.
  1. Must be something in the air, stars, etc. After a bad encounter with Lover this week and slow texting I actually sent the text: “Are you done with me?” Luckily I got a “Sorry!!! No!!! Out getting smashed with the guys.” text back. But still. Shoulda kept my chill on.

  2. What say I? Hy, baby. Stop being so damn hard on yourself. You and the Neighbor are feeling your way around this stuff, but the problem is neither of you is putting it on the line. You (both) appear too worried about losing something so you’re actually hardlining right to losing something .. if that makes sense. He seems worried about his pride and other male ego shit. You just want to protect your heart so you don’t get hurt again.

    Well, baby, you are nosediving toward hurt right now. First, I will use every ounce of influence I have to hunt your ass down if you let Troy fuck with your head again. I wasn’t joking when I said I had ins at Homeland Security. Second, either fish or cut bait with the Neighbor. If you’re going to let it be, then do that. If you can’t let it be, let him go.

    This is all said with love, believe me, but it’s been a rough fucking day and I don’t have a lot of nice in me right now.

    Much love, truly … GC

    1. Aw, Gill, I don’t think you’re NOT being nice! I don’t know if we really are nosediving towards hurt, but I am certainly setting myself up for some bullshit. I have to recalibrate. I have to. Just like you said: either let it be or let it go. I can’t waffle on this. I’ll be ok tomorrow – I was just overcome with the compulsion to say something. It was like I was body-snatched. Fucking sucks…

      Re: Troy. I have nothing to say to defend that. It was outright stupid. Plain and simple. I was hurting and I wanted to hurt some more. It’s how I do in times of stress, I’m ashamed to admit. I’m working on it, though. My only hope is that he blocked my email account when we broke it off. Wish me luck with that.

      Love you back, Hy.

  3. sigh. Trying to reign in the crazy once the feelings start is the hardest thing to do! Especially when the feelings aren’t out on the table. I feel for you. <3

    Also, it seems to me (after reading all the posts on TN) that he's starting to have some of those feelings too, and maybe doesn't want to -really- bring it up. Kind of tiptoeing around? Eventually I feel like one of you is going to have to pop!

    Good luck, darlink.

  4. “While people agreed with my assessment they really didn’t want to be involved in the exposé”

    When we lose our ground and feel weak and lost we take to old habits to find comfort.. “Shenpa”

    being vulnerable can bring out the worst in us. you only have today babe, forget the other 364

    Cruel

  5. Gee … I have to say I’m gonna be a little more laid back on this than Gillian is. You sure weren’t an “idiot” with TN (Troy … I won’t comment). After Tuesday night, guess what? … surprise! … you “care”. A lot. And so should TN If anyone is an idiot, it’s TN for not being clearer about dinner. Unless you travel by space ship, it’s rare to get to a new place by going in a straight line. Sometimes there are curves and twists, and sometimes it’s 2 steps forward (like Tuesday) and sometimes you step back a bit. You have done nothing to crucify yourself about. Lay low (a bit) … it’s TN’s move.

    Mike

    1. Heh. Maybe, who the hell knows?

      Re: Troy, he’s emailed me twice – sigh. Once to say he didn’t text me; hasn’t in months. And again this morning to tell me that his phone screwed up and reset a bunch of old texts to people and what did his say to me? Lol A total lie, obviously, since my email was about a text he sent me the end of January.

      Anyway, I’m not emailing him back. My head is firmly back on my shoulders.

  6. Hyacinth. Please, don’t let yourself get sucked back into the downward spiral that is Troy. Please. Please, please. I know the shit you’re feeling and going through better than some. I know how it feels to be completely dependent upon others your sense of self and security, and I know how empty you feel when things don’t quite go as you expected. I know with 100% certainty what you’re feeling and thinking. And I’m begging you, for the love of God, please, stay strong, and don’t let yourself get drawn into what will at least be an error in judgement, and at worst, an emotionally debilitating relapse.

    Worse comes to worse, you know how to get a hold of me. I’ll be happy to talk to you and help out in whatever capacity I can. My thoughts are with you, my dear Hy.

    1. Jesus, Bi. Thank you so much. I know you know what this feels like and for that I’m sorry. I wish no one else suffered the same.

      I will take to heart your words and erase Troy from the last 24 hours of my life. Then the next and the next. It’s how I managed last time and I can do it again.

      Yours, Hy

  7. Refuse to go the jealousy route. My sister gave me that advice when my high school boyfriend was trying to mess with my head. Since then, I have always made it clear that if the dude, now husband, wants to be with me that’s great, if he wants to go somewhere else that’s fine, too. I am fine on my own. I think it would be helpful if you cultivated some other interests that would get you out of the house. What do you do to work out? I think way less cigs and more physical activity would be a really good plan for you.

  8. His statement about the arrangement only lasting two more months, did he indicate who in his thoughts would be the one to break it off? Because from his POV, your sexual relationships have only lasted several months then ended. How does he know he is not next? Or, that if you did get tired of him sexually, that you would miss his friendship/companionship?

    You haven’t wanted to be too open with him. But I think the essence of how you feel, actually doesn’t sound too bad to share with him:

    You feel conflicted that you are enjoying your relationship with him too much.

    You worry if you tell him that, your arrangement will end and you will dearly miss his friendship.

    If said in a chit-chat way in between talking about the weather and the laundry – it will convey the information, yet not make him feel he needs to respond or even think about it. 

    Thoughts?  Am I nuts? Feel free to say so. For handy reference you can chose between: (I am) mostly nuts, certified nuts, owning a nut orchard.

    ~ take care ~

  9. I forgive you…I always do shit like that and then I say to myself, “Dawn, you are a complete asshole.” And then I just keep on repeating my same old mistakes. (I’m not feeling very articulate, I just wanted to say, everyone is an idiot when it comes to…fucking/love/intimacy etc. etc. so don’t beat yourself up.) You are a great writer and a beautiful woman. We all know that!

    Bisous,
    Dawn

  10. Everyone loses their composure sometimes. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. We’re human, we do it sometimes. But yea, what Gill said about Troy- keep that guy away.

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