I am deliriously tired.

When a friend checked in on me tonight this was my response:

I’m doing ok. I read Gillian’s post today about vulnerability and it really touched me. TN and I missed each other before I went out for a drink tonight (he knocked, but I was napping) so I left the note I’d written the night before on his door.

He tried to see me all night after that not realizing I was gone; texted me about where I was. The second I got home he came over, thanked me for the note. Said it meant a lot to him. We ended up cuddling in my bed.

He wanted to know about my day, the details, all of them. It was hard, more vulnerability.

I finally asked him why he’d decided to stop using condoms. He said it was because he’d noticed I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, but when we do again we’ll use condoms again. Not sure I like where that’s headed… But I’ll deal with that when it happens.

I told him I had a date with Kevin tonight. It was weird. He still has his date with Vanilla Ice. Then we fucked when we’d both said we didn’t want to. He came faster than ever before and then made me cum. It was a different kind of sex from him… I’m still processing. He had less control and it was tender.

I’m so sorry to go on and on. You only asked how I was doing! I’m deliriously tired. xx

I can also add that he said more wonderful things to me about me and my note, that I have a command of my words and he was envious. He said I have so much wisdom and life experience, he feels his lack of it when I open up. I think he feels my scope.

He said he wanted to stay with me and could he come over to fuck me after his date tonight. That’s when I told him I might see Kevin. There was a slight pause in his, “Oh, cool.” The truth is, I don’t want to be home alone knowing he’s next door with Vanilla Ice, so I’m trying to stay busy. I wish that’s what I’d told him.

The puppy woke me up at 4:30 am to go out and again at 5:30, though I stayed in bed that time. And now I’m up and ruminating. Goddamn, I’m fucking exhausted. And confused. So, so, so confused.

One thing is for certain: I promise myself to keep being vulnerable and to end this when it hurts too much and I begin to feel crazy. I promise.

Ugh. So. Fucking. Tired.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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21 thoughts on “I am deliriously tired.
  1. This view into your life is fascinating; I feel like a voyeur, but I guess I’m supposed to. I do like the next-to-last paragraph — be sure to take care of yourself.

    1. Thanks, Theo. I actually feel silly sharing so much detail, particularly about this, but my friends want to know, and frankly, it feels good not to be so alone with it.

    1. Thanks. Feeling this way puts me in a constant state of nausea, like I’m about to fall. I’ve taken control by opening myself up, but the exposure is terrifying and I have no control over the results. I can only wait.

      1. You are preaching to the choir, my sister. Believe me. Meditation is helping me. Understanding that the core of me cannot be touched by anyone, only the outer layers and we shed those daily anyway.

        Much love … and a huge kiss.

        GC

      1. You know your life better than I know your writing, but I get the vague impression that The Neighbor thinks more of himself than of you, and thinks of himself more than of you. I guess that’s fine in the sort of relationship you’ve had up to now (possibly even necessary), but in recent episodes it seems that you’re moving toward a more nuanced commitment and he is sort of sideways convincing himself that he wants it too.

        Maybe I’m seeing some of my own past behavior here, but rather than being on an equal emotional level, it sounds like he’s trying to figure out how not to lose what he’s already got.

        I’m also realizing that part of my impression comes from an earlier edit of this blog which appeared in my email notification. Sorry if I’m being too forward with my opinions.

        1. My blog is open for all scrutiny and I truly welcome your thoughts and ideas on what I wrote.

          Obviously, everything is from my perspective. I share what I see as objectively as I can, but just being me skews the results if my observations.

          The truth is, only The Neighbor knows how he feels and what he wants. As I become bolder I will ask him those questions do I can stop guessing.

          And I should say I don’t disagree with you. I had the thought today that another reason he may be insisting on not committing to me is his newfound fitness, sexual abilities (due in part to my praise and encouragement), and overall sense of having made his life over. I think he wants to see how the world is different from his new vantage point. But again, just speculation.

          And I apologize for my late edits. The past 48 hours haven’t been my best writing.

          I always want to hear what you have to say, Ernest.

          1. You’re neato. I like you. Don’t experiment too much with vulnerability if your lab partner is uncooperative. You’ll just end up convincing yourself that openness and vulnerability are mistakes that get you hurt.

            Again, totally NOT projecting from past experience here. NOOoooo, no, no.

          2. Hahahhaahaha I think you’re neato, too (my iPhone wanted to autocorrect that to NATO, btw). And sage advice. I may work that into a convo some day ;)

  2. I think ernestwhile is right on the money. There is getting to be way too much drama with TN for what you are getting out of this and it’s just going to get worse. This is a failed fuck buddy situation because you have developed feelings and he won’t give you a chance because of his rigid requirements regarding your age and kid. When you offer your heart to someone they only get to keep it if they recognize it for the precious gift it is. If they treat it casually, like a knick-knack to put on the shelf, then you must take it back. You subconsciiously already know that it is time and what you need to do, you warned him about what will happen the other night. Now you must be strong and follow through.

  3. Very real and your posts are really giving me a leg up on writing female characters in my fiction. On my next post about Piedmont – The Grape Harvest Pt 3 there will be some familiar tones. I hope you will take this as a compliment

    1. Interesting. I’ll definitely check it out. I’m curious why you find my writing particularly enlightening to the female perspective. There are tons of others writing about their lives. Who else educated youl? If so, who?

      Yes, I feel complimented :). And a lite less crazy.

  4. When I happened upon your blog, I think i misunderstood. I thought the writing was fiction, that you were crafting a story with love, sex, mystery and intrigue. And being the creature I am, there was human interest, there was curiosity.

    I wish you clarity. I wish you the beginnings of answers. I wish you peace.

    Good luck.

  5. At least things seem to be better? It looks like after your talk he realized what was going on a little more and things are in a better place. I’m just glad you’re not letting the fear of being hurt ruin your vulnerability. It’s what helps make you, you.

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