There is a need inside of me.

This post was going to be very different from what it’s turned out to be.  I was going to share with you some of my marital history, but that proved too heart-breaking.  I was going to tell you about my relationship with my pathological narcissistic father, but that proved too misleading.  Instead, I want to tell you about being too much.  Always too much.

…..

I’ll survive this nonsense with The Neighbor.  As much as it pains me to say so, I’ve been through worse heartache.   The death of my father, for one, the end of my marriage the other.

So there I am a year and a half ago.  The proud owner of two hurts so great I feared I’d buckle in half and never open up again.

…..

I was promiscuous in my 20s.  You might all think I say that with mirth, but I don’t.  I lost my virginity at 19 to a boy I thought I loved.  We were drunk on room-temperature Costco wine, locked away in my bedroom with my family somewhere outside those walls.  He stuck his tiny little penis inside me and broke my hymen, pumped twice and was done.  I got up off the floor and sat at the end of my bed looking out at the night sky.  The stars held no new message for me that night and I sighed.  “That was my first time,” I said.

“Oh, wow, really?  Um… sorry, I haven’t had sex in, like, six months.”

“It’s fine.  Really.”

I started racking up lovers swiftly from there.  Not at an alarming rate, but a swift one, nonetheless.  The animal had been released from inside of me; my fear of boys beaten down by  alcohol and a lifetime of impatience to feel that thing finally addressed.

A few months later, college found my face buried in my girlfriend’s pussy for a while and after graduation, instead of finding my face buried in musky folds, my nose was filled with cocaine, my system with just about any drug I could get my hands on plus all the alcohol I could buy, and my cunthole stuffed with cocks from every walk of life.  Barbacks, bartenders, grad-students, travelers, neighbors, friends, foes, strangers, friends’ uncles, drunks, coworkers, Swedes, married men, friends’ ex-boyfriends, boss’ little brothers, internet friends.

When I met my husband at the age of 27 I’d slept with 33 men and 4 women.  Since leaving him a year and a half ago I’ve nearly doubled that number.

Finding who I thought was the love of my life, I thought that thing inside of me was all taken care of.  I was grown up, I had a man at my fingertips, I loved myself.  Only it didn’t go down that way. Too late I realized that I had banked my entire sexual future on a pony with one fine trick who was gun-shy of its master and I never really knew I needed a goddamned destrier instead.

Nothing this man could have given me would have been enough.  That hole, that little hungry beast inside of me, was insatiable.  Not only were we mismatched in life in general, despite deep fondness and caring for one another, but we were like oil and water in the sheets.  And I didn’t come out of it unscathed.

I’ve spent years rejecting myself — before my ex, during my ex — always denying that I need so much because, I’m told, I’m supposed to need no one, love myself, be enough for myself.  But how is that even remotely possible when I yearn for another there.  To be high on a pedestal, matched, loved, pounded.  It’s always been there.  I can’t get rid of it.

I remember being 6 years old and laying in the bathtub on my back, touching my hips and flat nipples, the spot where my legs joined, and staring at the little rectangle window high above imagining Billy Valley peering in watching me.  He was 7.  Over the years I always had a longing to be watched.  I believed they’d truly see me then and I would be more than a particle in a sunbeam, I would be light.

Billy was first, but then it was Ben, then it was Jason, then it was Zack, the boy for whom I’d undress in front of my bedroom window for from the ages of 7-13 — a strange little gift he doubtless saw.  As a teenager the thing inside of me only grew darker as I realized I wanted to touch a girlfriend and taste her lips, stroke her skin.  As an adult it’s a raging inferno inside of me.  My pussy dampens when I think of my loneliness and my cravings.

There is nothing about me that isn’t “too much” to someone on this planet.  My boisterousness, my ribald humor, my filthy language, my energy, my volume, my sexuality, my need.  Over the years I’ve mastered the burden on friends and family, but for a lover, I have fallen short and I am at an impasse.  I don’t know how to fill the hole alone.

I am working on being all those things to myself, but this experience with The Neighbor has illustrated how I have once again found myself in a “be yourself, get rejected” type of situation.  I understand that not everyone would reject me, but I am continually rejected by those I form close bonds with, with whom I find inspiring and with whom I let in.

I have received the kindest, wisest counsel from friends through the 1s and 0s with whom this medium has connected me and it seems to all be clearer, like seeing headlights through fog.  Maybe I allow this last bit of hollowness to just be a part of me; walk into it with open arms and accept my darkest depths and hope I find someone with whom I can travel them.

It’s not about change.  It’s about acceptance.

I am in completely uncharted territory and I’m so scared.  I thought for a little while that my sweet, sexy, demanding lover next door wanted this of which I speak, but I’m not so sure anymore.  He’s said some things that have made me wonder and I realize my journey is very different from his.  Yes, we both aim to get laid, but it’s so much more for me.  I’m experimenting with the devil and it’s a dangerous game.

I wish it was him, I really do.  I trust him, he’s seen me, but maybe I need to regroup.  I don’t know anymore.

In an effort to fill the hole that The Neighbor is leaving unattended this week I have a rendezvous planned with Kevin tomorrow afternoon.  His big cock is going to give me what I’m longing and then he’ll go back to his girlfriend.  Later, after Kevin, I have a first date with someone else.  I am going to put my young lover out of my mind for a bit and just focus on what I’m discovering in me.  If he falls between my legs, so be it.  If not, I’ll live with the loss for that day.

[Update: It’s 4:45 am, the puppy woke me up twice earlier already and I have a 6 am alarm.  In this dawn I am not at all looking forward to my dates today and I am sad that TN never returned my texts to hang out last night.  But then I think of cock, any cock, and I feel better and worse all at the same time.  I want his heavy hand on me and his beautiful cock inside of me.  My emotions are ruling.  I don’t know why I haven’t heard from him, but I’m waiting patiently to find out and I’m not too concerned about it.  Maybe I’ll take the day off and sleep.  God only knows I’m fucking beyond tired.  I have been doing heavy emotional lifting lately, after all.]

32 thoughts on “There is a need inside of me.

  1. You tell a story with such verve. Your words resonate like a rock ballad with taste. I feel a bit of a Hemingway narration with an introspective anger in all of this. I am not sure if anger is what you are going for here but it sure seems like that is where you are. I like angry sometimes I like it because it is far better than static. Excellent stuff

  2. New follower, here.
    I actually went back several posts to get some more context of your blog and this TN guy sounds like a complete mindfcuk. He’s younger than you, perhaps he doesn’t have a real sense of what exactly that he wants in life.

    Maybe you can focus on living for your kid. Instead of feeling like you need somebody to fill whatever void you have, put all your energies and emotions in being everything for your kid. I think that would make life without someone else easier to handle. Sure, we all need at least one companion, a friend, a peer who understands us, but you get to be someone’s mom, someone’s world. An important figure! Yayyy.

    Your past doesn’t have to hang over you, if you get to look to the future (your kid).

    [I apologize if that came off as condescending. I didn’t mean it to be!]

    Best wishes.

    • Thu, thanks for your comment. I have custody of my kid half the time, the other half is all mine and I find myself lost during those times because, just as you said, being a mother is everything — at least for a little while. I’m still a woman first and if I’m not ok as me then I’m certainly not going to be my best as a mother.

      This post isn’t about a solution to my need, it’s about accepting it rather than fighting it, and finding solace through that route.

      Re: your opinion of The Neighbor, he’s a wonderful man who doesn’t feel the same way about me. That’s not his fault. I wish it was different, but what can I do? I have no ill will towards him whatsoever and if I’ve painted an ugly picture of him for my readers, I’m going to have to do some damage control and fix that.

      Again, thank you so much for your words.

  3. Hy – I’m prefacing this with .. I love you.. okay…that said …you frustrate me sometimes …

    “be yourself, get rejected” NO, this is a “be yourself, this situation still isn’t quite right” situation.

    You call yourself “too much” … does that make me too little when you and I have the same base facts? Self-medication through cock, promiscuity, fucked up father dynamic, racking up numbers quickly .. the only difference is I repressed and you don’t.

    Do you see the point I’m making here love? … if you and I are the same at our root, how can you be too much? You simple are … that’s it.

    Again, I love you … as you are .. .lots of cock,. lots of love, exquisite spirit, beautiful soul Hyacinth Jones.

    GC

    • Ah, Gill, your words soothe me. You are right, of course. Logic doesn’t always prevail in my head. I would never call me too much if it were in another’s form. You certainly aren’t too much from what I can tell, but it’s the thing I’ve been told over and over throughout my life. And, if only I needed less, then the people I loved would be enough, right? But there I go again with that faulty logic. I’m not too much, it’s just the wrong situation.
      — Gah, that sticks in my craw.

      I love you, too, and am so grateful to have you in my little world.

      xx
      Hy

      • If you needed less, you wouldn’t be you. That they weren’t right for you is a matter of logistics nothing more. It’s taken me a long, long time to understand that there is only what is and it is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong … it simply is or isn’t.

        We are but two halves of the same coin, love.

        GC

        • This really resonates with me and feels a lot like what I’m trying to achieve: surrender and acceptance. It just is.

          I can’t believe I’ve stumbled across someone who knows what I’m talking about first hand. I feel so very lucky.

  4. You present rawness so beautifully. I’ve read it twice now and will go back for a third helping. Acceptance is a bitch, isn’t she. Let me know when you’re up for drinks and some sushi that’s as beautifully raw as your words. Surely there’s place like that made of 1s and 0s around here somewhere. ;-)

    • Thanks, Noodle, for saying so. What’s so funny to me about all of this is to my friend next door he’s having a great week with no expectations. Meanwhile, I’m practically losing my mind.

  5. Ah, Hy.
    The kinship I feel with you is… at times… very unsettling. Reading this makes me feel leveled, like a nuclear bomb has gone off, and I’m trying to clear up the debris. Don’t feel bad for that. It’s just… we’re on such a similar wave length, the only difference really, is that you are brave enough to write it out here, while I simply write about the good things in my blog, and try to crush the emotion away.
    I respect you, Hy. I feel for you and with you. Surrender. Accept. Don’t change. Not because you feel anyone can’t handle how much you are. Change if you feel that you’re too much for yourself, but don’t give up loving, fucking, needing deeply. That’s a rare trait in people. It’s raw and beautiful and so much more than many people will ever deserve from you. This is convoluted and probably didn’t come out like I wanted.

    Hey. I feel you. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Because you are.

    <3Fatal

    • Thank you, Fatal. I’m still in disbelief that anyone else gets what I’m saying. On the one hand I’m sorry you feel this, on the other I’m elated I’m not alone. Though, of course, how could I possibly be alone in a world with billions of people?? That’s just silly of me! But to find souls like mine here?? It astounds me.

      I will take all your words in me. xx Hy

  6. Dear Hyacinth,
    Wow! I thought Gillian and I were Erotic Twins…now I think the three of us are triplets. Your post made me cry because I know how painful it is to need, relentlessly. I am too much as well. Way too much. I even left my country thinking maybe I’d be something less unacceptable somewhere far, far away but of course it didn’t work. Same hurt, different address.

    I’m older than you and I wish I could offer wisdom….mais non! Just know that you really are the light. You are so much more than a particle in the sunbeam. I think you are on the right path.

    Love,
    Dawn

    PS: When you get all of this figured out, please share the secret with me! (:

    • Dawn,
      It seems there are lots of us out there; I really had no idea. Maybe having these feelings predisposes us to being in this kind of community? Interesting thought.

      I get what you mean about same hurt, different address. I really do. It’s what moved me half way across the country 17 years ago and when I landed in my new spot I thought, “I gotta work hard to get outta here” and I pulled up short and was like, “OH SHIT.”

      And I promise, the second I figure this out I’ll share the key ;)

      xx Hy

  7. Hy, for part of your post I want to hug you another I want to put you over my knee and spank you cherry red and yet another I want to wisk you away and fuck you into oblivion.

    Life is better faced directly, self medicating with cock is not a solution as fun as it can be it is a stop gap not a solution. Worse yet it is an enabler. It seems lately I have been telling people to be kind to themself yet I have not been successful in making them understand what that means. there is no cosmic answer to lifes mysteries Life is what it is each and everyday. You hold the key to your future your choices set in motion the results you experience. Be kind to yourself and those are the results you will reap. Love yourself, love eveyone you meet and you will be surrounded with nothing but love in return.

    Hugs

    Cruel

    • I know that what I say is frustrating for you to witness. It’s hard to bare it all for all to see; I want to come off as cool, calm, collected. I hate that I seem so illogical and silly. I would say all the same things to me if I were you and for that I’m grateful to have you here to say them all to me instead. Still, there’s no magic way to being heard, either, Cruel. It’s a combination of readiness, tone, cosmic alignment, and faith, I guess. But thank you for your continual efforts to get through to me (and all of us!).

      Self-medicating with cock is what I’ve done in the past. It was easy when I had no feelings. It feels impossible today knowing they exist again. We’ll see. I’m taking today off because I’ve had hardly any sleep and I struggled with severe fatigue yesterday (and in my line of work it’s utterly unacceptable). I will likely cancel on Kevin and new date guy. I dunno… we’ll see. I just want to be alone and not bothered today.

  8. You’re not too much. It really is just a matter of meeting the right person/people. You can only really be yourself, so there’s no need to try and be anything less. If someone can’t accept you for all of you qualities, then they just aren’t the ones who should be around.

    I swear we’ve learned everything we need to know about ourselves by the age of 7:

    Be yourself because the people that mind don’t matter and the people that matter dont mind!

    Dr. Seuss

  9. I, too, have a “TN”. When I read you, I feel like I AM you. I just wanted to hug you this morning and tell you that you are beautiful, don’t ever forget that <3

  10. Hy,
    It looks like everyone has said what was on their minds, hearts and souls. I just want to hug you and tell you that everything will be alright. Isn’t that what friends do? I don’t have any words of wisdom, or sage truths to share other than that the sun will rise again tomorrow and that the world keeps spinning….and isn’t that all just too much? Look, if I felt as you do, I’d take the hugs in the 1’s and 0’s and pull them tight around me as I walked forward into the life that is mine and accept it for what it is. Just know that your friends are here and we love you.

    Trip

  11. I agree with the others about the need to stop yourself from thinking you are “too much”. This is harmful because it affects your behavior so you find yourself settling for a man like TN, who has told you are a temporary thing, yet you keep coming back for more. When you start getting down on yourself you should focus instead on how full of life and passion you are. There are lots of dudes who would be delighted with your exuberance and zest, You just need to start looking for them and not temporary bed partners.

  12. The others have pretty much covered this, but I think you’re understanding that this is your life; you create the rest of it yourself, regardless of anything your Neighbor or your “pathological narcissistic father” have done or will do. We’re all hypnotized to think the people we know have defined our present and future, but honestly, that’s just the hypnosis talking. The truth is that you are the one making the future happen.

    • Theo, I always love what you have to say. It’s so true. TN and I hung out all night tonight and it was great. I felt in control I myself and we laughed and fucked our asses off. The lesson is patience. Patience and acceptance and realizing – just like you said – that I’m my own reality.

  13. Your writing here is skillfully expressed, with depth and passion mixed with sadness and confusion in a search for your true identity as you search for genuine and lasting love. This is the human condition and we’ve all been there at one time or another, in our own individual variation of the same theme.

    I won’t claim that my life experience is very similar to your own, but there are ways in which I can relate to what you have expressed here. I have often had sex as a way to relieve stress during times in my life when I was under a great deal of pressure and uncertainty, and the experience of having great sex is the best anti-depressant that I know of, when I’ve struggled with the depths of my own inner sadness. I have experienced the power of sexual healing when I was hurting, and my pain has been lessened by it many times. I have also had a variety of different lovers, and I’ve always craved a wide variety of sexual experience as a vitally important part of what makes my life worth living to me.

    Even though this post goes back to late April, it was important enough for you to include it on your “About” page as a post that provides some insight about you, which is why I read it. Your writing here speaks to me – enough for me to want to write this comment, because I want to be one more example of evidence that your experience is not unique, and you are not alone.

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