I have to say goodbye.

“You have five – no – six strikes against you, Hy.”

“I have six now??”

“Yes. P-E-Y-T-O-N.” My child’s name.

We had just spent the evening together and I lay naked beside him, a dollop of cream in a dish of dark blueberry preserve. I’d made us dinner and quizzed him on the fresh herbs bunched in my hands while potatoes and asparagus roasted in the oven. “Smell this one,” I’d said and lifted a bouquet to his nose, “and try this,” and put his hand on my breast.

I was apprehensive before he’d come over. Not the usual butterflies, but something different. First of all, I was now fully shaken about my date with Mitchell the night before and second, he had been shady a number of times during the week. I didn’t know if I could handle a long, drawn out evening with him.

Over dinner the conversation turned to a girl he knew in college who had somehow “asked” for being raped. “If I wore a suit of $100 bills in the ghetto and got mugged, I’m partly responsible,” he reasoned, “Therefore, she’s partly responsible for meeting two strange dudes in a park to do drugs.” I blanched.

“That just isn’t true at all! First of all, getting mugged and raped aren’t even remotely the same, secondly, no one has the right to harm another person. Yes, maybe she didn’t make the brightest decision, but that in no way makes her responsible for what happened to her!”

I took a deep breath and plunged on, “Because by that logic, what happened to me last night was entirely my fault.”

Silence hung heavy around us as he gaped at me. “Hy, were you raped??”

“No, no, nothing like that. But I was sexually assaulted.” He listened intently as I told my tale of misbegotten lust and quickly changed his tune.

“Hy, it doesn’t matter what you were doing, he had no right to do that! I’m so sorry that happened to you. Oh my God, I want to kill that guy!” His reaction made me feel better, this protective bear persona isn’t one I’ve felt from other men in the past. He went on to tell me I needed to stop dating men off the internet to which I responded how was I supposed to meet people otherwise? He was genuinely concerned about me and said he wished I’d stop for a while. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked into his pale blue ones. I told him I wasn’t sure I could, that I had a need inside of me, thinking all the while that the only reason I put myself out there in the first place was to replace him.

We moved to the couch and he put his arms around me while we watched Game of Thrones. He was sensitive to touching me now for fear of traumatizing me. “You can’t hurt me, TN. I trust you,” I assured him as I guided his hand to my breast.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

I sat curled in his embrace and felt safe and forlorn. His skin warm on mine, the lights from the TV flickered shadows on the walls.

We went down to the hot tub next and I suffered through an extended chat with a grown man who bragged about dating women 10 and 14 years younger than him. Girls, actually. Eighteen, 19, 20 year olds when he was 32 to 37. TN couldn’t see my eyes rolling in the dark, but eventually I stood up and walked by him perched on the edge and murmured, “I’m done,” climbed out and silently put on my robe. He casually followed my lead.

Away from the pool he said, “You didn’t like that talk about 18 year olds, did you?”

“That guy exhausted me. Such bullshit.” I felt dirty all over again.

Upstairs outside our doors I sensed he was ready to go to home, but instead I told him I needed more from him still, from the best boyfriend I’ve never had. He nodded.

In my room, he threw me down and fell on top of me and kissed me deeply and passionately. Mouths opened wide and tongues sparred. He began to moan as he ground against the cradle of my pelvis.

“No fucking tonight,” he said sadly. His fear of transmitting his pseudo-chicken pox had returned. He couldn’t justify putting me at risk since the bumps were now on his shaft. Instead he grabbed a towel and laid it beneath my bottom. His fingers played my pussy like a maestro and I arched and convulsed, squirted and splattered everywhere. Again and again and again.

He handed me my vibe and stroked me while my clit danced under the bulbous head. I came long and hard and then sadness swept over me. I began to cry my new cry. My cry of heartbreak and longing, of sexual release and pleasure. He held me gently and watched for a while then leaned over me and took my mouth in mid-sob. His lips pressed hard against mine as I whimpered into his mouth. My heart shattered as he absorbed my cries.

He leaned back and looked at me. “I want you to cum on me,” I said, watching his face intently in the candlelight.

“Not tonight,” he answered with a mischievous grin.

And that was how the rest of the night started.

“I don’t get you, TN. Not at all. And I think you like that. Are you a Sadist? Do you like confusing me?”

“No, not at all.”

“Then why are you so mysterious all the time??”

“I’m not sure,” was his honest answer. We sat in silence for a beat or two.

“Do you know why I date other men??” He shook his head. “To replace you.” He looked at me with a surprised question in his eye. “Yes, the only reason I attempt to date is to find someone like you, but who wants me like I want him. You have this engineered plan for you life — which is your right entirely — and I don’t fall into that box so you’re going to just pass me up. How are you going to feel in 5 years? Will you be happy with your decision?”

He said he thought so. “The thing is, Hy, I want to find my life partner now. Sure, I don’t want to get married or have kids for at least another 5 years, but I want to find her now. And as soon as I reach my goal weight this is going to end. I’m going to start looking for her. And if I go on 14 dates with someone and never even fuck her, the day I actually want to go on that 14th date is when you and I have to stop.”

He’s 4 lbs away from his goal.

“I think I’m the best girlfriend you’ve never had.”

“You’re probably right.”

“But I don’t have any idea how you really feel about me. I know you like me, but that’s all I know.”

“I more than like you, Hy. I care about you.”

“I don’t know the difference.”

“I like Kristine. But I care about you.” The distinction is a significant one for us, she’s the girl-friend-who-wouldn’t-touch-him.

“Thanks for telling me. I never knew for sure. You also need to think about what you’re going to tell your girlfriend about me. If you want me in your life at all, you can’t tell her we slept together. Ever. She won’t allow us to be friends.”

“I won’t tell her anything unless she asks me point-blank.”

“I still think you should just lie. It’s none of her business and that way we can still be friends.”

“I’ve thought about this a lot, actually, and I’ve decided that any woman I’m with needs to trust me. If she can’t be ok with me being friends with you, then it’ll be over. She’s gone.” My heart thumped and skittered. He’s willing to end a relationship with a woman if he can’t be friends with me. This ride never ends, does it?

“But you’ve still made your decision about me and I can live with that. If that’s the price I have to pay to be with you — someone whom I think is wonderful, kind, sexy, and just plain great — then I’ll pay it, but I’m not going to keep putting up with you being shady. I appreciate everything you’re telling me tonight, but stop the shady shit. I know every time you are and it makes me crazy. If you want to transition this smoothly so we can remain friends, you better start being honest with me. Tell me when you’re with another woman so I won’t text you; tell me when you have plans with her so I won’t ask you. Follow my lead, do what I’ve been doing. But stop being fucking shady. It’s not cool.”

His gaze never left mine as I finished my admonition. “Look at me, Hyacinth,” he said gently, “and hear me. You’re right. I’ve been shitty and shady and I promise to try my best to not do that anymore. You deserve better than that, you do. I just feel so uncomfortable talking about it with you. I’ve handled it badly.”

He lounged at my feet and so I closed the distance between him, my nakedness bathed in soft light. “You have handled it badly. I always know.” He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me, buried his face in my breasts.

“Stop being so goddamned smart,” he mumbled into my skin.

“That’s not going to happen. And I also want the promise that you won’t get bent out of shape when I call you on your bullshit. Don’t lie, don’t get defensive. If I see you being shady again, face me.”

“Ok. You have my solemn promise.”

Placated, I laid back down. His hands were warm on my legs and feet and I traced patterns on his calves. I took another deep breath, “My heart is a little broken about all of this, you know. My friends all think I should stop seeing you and think it’s ridiculous.” I could sense his surprise like a bursting balloon.

“Really??” he asked, shock on his face.

“Yes, really. What would you tell a friend who had feelings for a man who didn’t return them? You’d tell her to dump him.”

“Yeah, I would.”

“Well… there you go. But I tell them all that this is what I want and that I’m making the decision. If you told me tomorrow that you had feelings for me I don’t know what I’d do. I’m so hurt, so broken from my marriage I’m terrified of commitment. I don’t know if I could do it, but I’d likely tell you I’d give it a shot.”

“I hate that your friends hate me.”

“They don’t hate you, at all. They just want me to be happy and they don’t understand why I’m doing this.”

“But you’ve always known this wouldn’t work out. And you have five – no – six strikes against you, Hy.”

“I have six now??”

“Yes. P-E-Y-T-O-N.”

“Are you serious? Oh my god.” I felt slapped. I know he’s been saying for months now that he didn’t want a woman with a child, but I’d never personalized it to hear “I don’t want Peyton.” My sweet, loving, precocious, miraculous little child whom anyone would be lucky to have in his life.

“You’re an idiot,” the words leapt from me. He blinked. “I mean, on the one hand you’re a great guy, but then you’re an idiot. I’m sorry.”

I’m not sure what we said after that, but there was no discord, not even a little bit. I told him I was tired. That’s the first time in 6 months I ever ended a night between us before him. I’m certain he noticed it. He came over and kissed me goodnight, turned out all the lights for me and left. I rolled over into my pillow and cried, my tears soaked my pillowcase, my body still lay in the tears from my cunt. He might have just made this easier for me than he realizes.

50 thoughts on “I have to say goodbye.

  1. Oh Hy … I’m so sad. But you are very strong … much stronger than you believe. You knew this would come (though you prayed it wouldn’t). Now you know … now you can be certain. It will be very painful … but it will also be so, so liberating.

    Mike

    • Thanks, Mike. It’ll be a while, I think. I’d like to fuck him after he’s all better. I have plans for our last times together so I can take something with me to hold me over till I find someone new.

      Also, I made a couple of edits worth noting. It’s a living document this morning, apparently. xx

  2. The only good thing to come out of this is that he makes it easier for you to move away from him. I’m sorry but he didn’t have to take it there, to say her name like that. Your child is your ray of sunshine, and he’s a shit for being that way. Doesn’t deserve her anywhere near him. Or you, frankly. You’re so lovely, Hy, so sweet, and you have so much to give. sigh. Damn him.

    • Ah, sweet Fatal. I don’t know how you found me, but I’m glad you did. You’re very kind and your words make me feel much better. Peyton (a unisex name, btw) is a wonderful little person and I most certainly don’t want to be with anyone who is that close-minded to the joy of a child, even someone elses.

      I want a man who can get beyond his misgivings and fears and open his heart to me and my baby. I know exactly how TN feels. When I was 27 I dated a man with a child and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want anything to do with his 18 month old, but then I met him and he needed me and he melted my heart and I remember so clearly the day I fell in love with that little boy and I felt pride. Pride in myself for seeing beyond my own misconceptions and ideals of what “should” be. Pride in the fact that I was going to be a major positive influence on this child’s life.

      I’ll openly admit that I am biased against people who don’t want “other people’s” children in their life. I understand that it may be complicated, etc, but my exhusband and I have a wonderful relationship and it’s virtually stress and drama free. Any man on this planet would be lucky to walk into my life and just get to enjoy what I’ve created with my family. A fucking turn-key life. And that’s who I want now. That guy.

      • Hy,

        Forgive me for the assumption about your baby’s name.

        The thing that pisses me off about TN and other people who act this way, is that, you’re not asking them to be a father to your baby; your baby has a father and a mother. Meh. I stand by my TN is a shit comment. He needs to grow up. He may be young, but he’s not a child.

        Chin up, beautiful. That guy will come along eventually.

          • In a way, I suppose. He’s got such a plan, so hammered out, yet he has no idea what he actually wants. I read from you, so I could be wrong, and if I am, I still make no apologies. Maybe I’m bitter and biased because my own “neighbor” experience was wonderful and awful, and I’m seeing patterns that make me remember him. Who knows. Saying he cares about you in one breath and saying your baby is your six strikes in another tells me he doesn’t care in the right way. I’m judgmental and quick to temper. It’s a fault of mine, but darling, I hate seeing him string you along. Sigh. All love to you, my dear.

          • We all want TN to feel something different, but it’s not up to us, obviously. Thank you for being on this journey with me, honey. I’m glad to know you relate and I’m sorry, too. xx

    • I can’t pronounce it. It’s a cousin of the chicken pox. He could’ve gotten it from anywhere. I know. Weird. And it’s not the easiest to treat. He’s looking at laser treatment because wearing cream on his junk for 10 hours a day for 2 weeks isn’t possible. Eek!

  3. I just read the last comment. As far as I know laser treatment for something like that would be either a rubber band snap feeling on each eruption or it would be slicing off with the laser which is immensely scary. I think Wikipedia has pictures of the condition on male genitalia. It can look horrific.

    Pain and disfigurement. Wow, either it is evidence for spiritual retribution, or someone who reads this blog is one fine, fine witch.

    Hyacinth, you are a wonderful person. You deserve thoroughly good people in your life. Your child deserves still better than that. He really did make it easy for you to be able to say no.

    For the 100 subscribers photo, I vote on a different photo, than that of you and TN. He repulses me now.

    TN is entitled to what he wants, sure. But adding your kid as problem shows a much deeper wrongness in him, than just mere preferences.

    You have my hugs, and whoever cursed TN’s genitalia has my thanks.

    • Duly noted on the 100 Followers pic.

      And thanks for your thoughts in this. I’m so shocked at my own reaction. It’s like a switch got flipped. I feel released.

      xx Hy

      • In one of the screenshots, you mentioned your Myers Brigg personality type. Out of curiosity, I checked my favourite website on that topic and wow, are you ever a ENFP! Looking around to refresh my memory, I read INTJ again. I think it is hugely likely that TN is one. My conscience kicks in a bit because this is what it says for the relationships:

        “Sometimes, what they see and understand intuitively within themselves is more pure and “perfect” than the reality of a close personal relationship. INTJs may have a problem reconciling their reality with their fantasy. INTJs are not naturally in tune with their own feelings, or with what other people are feeling. They also have a tendency to believe that they are always right. While their self-confidence and esteem is attractive, their lack of sensitivity to others can be a problem if it causes them to inadvertently hurt their partner’s feelings. If this is a problem for an INTJ, they should remember to sometimes let their mate be the one who is right, and to try to be aware of the emotional effect that your words have upon them. In conflict situations, INTJs need to remember to be supportive to their mate’s emotional needs, rather than treating the conflict as if it is an interesting idea to analyze.”

        If I read your conversation through the lens of the above words, he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. He has constructed an ideal family in his head, based on dry reason, and hasn’t adjusted to the delight he has in his present relationship – you. I haven’t reread the post, this is just from my memory of what I read.

        Perhaps this is all gibberish, but thanks for reading.

        Take care ~

        http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ_rel.html

        • Wow, Dawn, you may be right! I should go reread the ENFP stuff, too. I bet it says something like “your enthusiasm terrifies people” lol.

          I am in such a happy place with TN these days – intellectually, emotionally – but it’s nice to continue to gather more information about him. Knowing is half the battle, after all πŸ™‚

          Thanks so much for insights! xx Hy

          • Sorry for late comment. What sensational responses. Lots of seeking souls looking to connect. Beautiful πŸ™‚

  4. one healthy, purely happy, twinkling, powerfully open smile from your boy will comfort your big heart. It’s just a bit more complicated to find a grown man who does the same… they’re out there. I may need to hire a team to help me look but … don’t give up

  5. Yikes. First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your sexual assault experience. Do you think maybe you should wait to have the sex talk with a dude until you determine whether you even want to go there with him? It might be safer so you get the measure of the man before he starts thinking that sex is a foregone conclusion. This is not meant to condone Mitchell’s behavior, which was way out of line, rather I’m trying to determine how you could be safer.

    TN is past his expiration date. How fun is it to listen to bullshit talk about dating 18-year-olds, gah. He can’t really even be your friend if he isn’t cool with Peyton. Little kids know when someone doesn’t like them or resents their presence. You don’t want your child getting those vibes and thinking that they are somehow to blame. I can’t imagine hanging around with someone so small-minded that he can’t appreciate the charm of a little kid. When you find the right dude, one with a warm heart, Peyton will count as an asset.

    • I’m so burned by being mismatched sexually with my exhusband that I like to get that out of the way up front. Perhaps it’s a bad idea, but it’s a worse idea to me to end up having feelings for someone I’m not sexually compatible with.

      Re: TN, it wasn’t him who was talking about 18 yos (he’s adamantly against the idea, actually), it was some douchebag in the hot tub. But I hear on you on the other points re: my kiddo. Peyton is a wonderful child and likes TN. I’m feeling at this point like I don’t want TN anywhere near the both of us together ever again. He doesn’t get to bear witness to the awesomeness that is my child. And no one is more surprised at my Mama Bear response than me. So weird.

      Sweet TN can reject me all he wants, but reject my child and I’m done.

      • Oh, man, that Mama Bear deal is for real. The only time I ever let my wonderful, but sometimes too strict, German grandma have it was when she criticized my son. He was only 3 or 4 at the time and she was talking about what a terrible voice he had or some bullshit like that. I read her the riot act and made sure she knew she was never to say anything like that in his presence again. We are the line of defense for our little people and it is a job not to be taken lightly. It is TN’s loss all the way.

  6. Hy – It goes without saying that TN is lucky I have no idea where the two of you live because my foot would have been so far up his ass it would have come out of his motherfucking throat. He’s also lucky I was too fucking nauseated after being drunk last night to read this until now.

    I’m really fucking glad right now I have a pitcher of Daiquiris right next to me. 4lbs and this stops. WTF? WYSIWIG, bastard motherfucker.

    I’m not in a good place, Hy and now I have brain freeze from gulping this shit.

    Love you though.

    Gillian

  7. So yea I caught up. This dude is weird to say the least. He strikes me as someone who has decided what life will be like instead of what life can be like. The odd thing is he can understand you’re probably the best thing to come into his life since slice bread, admit it, but says things aren’t perfect because of a few differing things. I envy his situation (with you), not his decisions.

    Also, who the hell has the balls to get between mother and child. He has some pretty big balls.

  8. I just caught up on your writing. Oh gosh, girl. I want to send you a shower of roses and hugs and a nice man that wouldn’t be shady with you.

  9. I started a casual relationship with someone and ended up falling for them. I’m utterly heartbroken, yet don’t want to ‘say goodbye’ to potentially the best thing that has happened to me.

    Your writing resonates with me on a crazy deep level. I hope everything works out. x

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  11. Hi forgive me please, but have you somewhere written down what his plan for life *is*? What he wants? Why not the two of you together?
    I am so pissed off right now and just need a justification for this asshole behaviour. Sorry it was probably before I started following you that you wrote that.

      • HOW CAN ONE HAVE A PLAN LIKE THAT?
        I understand never been married… mostly for religious reasons, but somehow I don’t think that’s a motivation.
        Childless? Damn. Tricky one. I also understand why in general that could be a problem. Big potential clashes. But your baby loves him. And is big enough (I think?) to understand.
        Younger – I am not even going to comment.

        Anyway this is ridiculous. Arrghh.

        • Yep. And the kid thing – man, that’s all him. My kid is amazing and I have a terrific relationship with my ex. It’s all stupid and horrible and these are the things for which I’m discriminated against.

        • On the other hand that reminds me of Sasha, and recently of Josh (yeah, I’m stupid enough to be interested in another guy. Don’t worry I’ll curb it). They both have things like 5 year plans.
          I mean, who’s doing that shit?
          Well, INTJs do. Ha.

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