I’m afraid of my secret sex blog being discovered.

That’s me.

Look, here’s the thing: it’s a betrayal. It’s a betrayal of trust of everyone I’ve ever written about, even if all I say is that they shit rainbows and breed unicorns from their beauty and goodness. It’s a secret. And it’s wrong.

This sex blog thing is hard for me. I mean, really, really hard. My best friend on the planet doesn’t know it exists, The Neighbor surely doesn’t, no one. My career would be affected if it were ever connected to me and I’ve read enough horror stories about women whose broadcasted sex lives have destroyed their entire worlds to be appropriately leery. But here I am. Still typing away.

Last night TN and I had another terrific night together, like Wednesday night quality (I’m having a hard time deciding if the good parts of the roller coaster are when you climb up or when you get to fly down the backside). While chatting before attempting to finish Die Hard 3 (suckled breasts and hard-ons interrupted its completion once again) I mentioned a friend of mine who knows about our affair.

“You know, I thought we agreed not to tell anyone about us,” he said, his feet up on my patio table, crossed at the ankles.

“No, I just said I wasn’t telling anyone.”

“And I agreed to that. I’m a little upset that you’re telling everyone all of a sudden.”

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I’d had no idea. And until I realized I was in love with him back whenever that was, the only people who knew were my best friend and all of you. After that night I told two of my best friends from back home and then some colleagues whom I’ve become extremely close with. It’s roughly 6 people. I’d needed real life support to help me through the ordeal. However, the number of people who don’t know about him is far greater; some of the most important people in my life have no idea, people I consider family and this is what I explained to him.

“Wow, I’m really sorry. I had no idea, TN, truly. I’ve only told some of my newer friends; none of my closest friends whom you’ve met. Not R, C, C, J, K, S, L, C, D, A, Downstairs Neighbor,” and then I listed even more people in my life he’s met that are in the dark. “But I promise I won’t tell anyone else. I really didn’t know you felt this way.”

He seemed relieved. “Thanks, Hy. I really appreciate that. And I know you’re mad at me for not telling any of my friends.”

Again, a feather could’ve done serious damage. “No, not at all, I swear,” I concentrated on my face being as open and guileless looking as possible, “I know you wouldn’t tell them anyway and I really have nothing invested in that. It’s ok with me.”

“Really??”

“Yeah, it doesn’t matter to me.” His desire to keep our relationship close to his chest makes sense based on his personality. He’s extremely private, an introvert to the core, and he doesn’t share the most basic information with his “best friends”. I don’t see it as a reflection on me whatsoever, so before anyone wants to berate him for keeping us on the down low, don’t. If we were boyfriend/girlfriend, then yes, by all means skewer him for being shady, but this is a FWB situation gone slightly awry and I don’t go around shouting about those to my friends, either. He has a right to share or not share, as do I, and I’m comfortable zipping my lips from here on out.

And then I teased him about how this was the first time I’ve had to apologize to him about anything, “Yeah, this is the first time you’ve ever fucked up.”

“Yup, pretty much, I’m awesome like that.”

The conversation struck me deeply, though. If he didn’t like our friends knowing, then certainly he would be furious at discovering this blog. I would surely lose him.

On a personal level, discovery would be devastating. There would be no recovering from my dishonesty and betrayal, my sharing of intimate details of my feelings about him and of our sexual exploits, pictures of him. If my ex-husband ever discovered my writing I imagine it cleaving his heart in two to learn of my struggles with our sex life; he doesn’t know. I feel fraudulent at worst, merely shady as fuck on a good day.

I’ve thought about a 30 day TN Cleanse for the blog, but I’m not sure what good that would do. The posts are already up, Google’s archived them, you all already know about him. I’ve said before that I have two dead sex blogs (may they rest in peace) and the big lessons I learned there were to never tell a real life person about them: not a lover, not a friend, no one; and, if you’re not honest, then there’s no point. The lack of anonymity hurt my writing and stole the very reason for having a blog like this in the first place: freedom to be me in all my fucked up glory.

I’ve cultivated that very place here and I feel free to be me and express every little synaptic message, but the new discovery now is the toll: I’m paying in flesh and fear and guilt.

Professionally, if this blog were ever discovered I would take a serious beat down. I would likely recover, maybe even parlay it into something profitable (no, not like some stupid memoir about how my sex blog ruined my life), but the reveal would be humiliating. No one knows I squirt, can’t orgasm through sex, love cock, been double-stuffed. This isn’t exactly board meeting material. I could be shunned by the community or embraced. I’m not entirely sure and not at all desirous of finding out.

Most women lose their jobs, like she did, others are knocked around (I read an article a few years ago about a handful of female sex bloggers who all either lost their jobs or all their friends, but I can’t find it anywhere now). Writing about sex from a personal point of view just isn’t widely accepted. Not even close. Add in the author being female and it’s even less ok, particularly if she’s not writing about the hot missionary sex she’s having with her husband and one only partner of her life.

My point is that though I love writing here, I am still afraid. Afraid of being found out, afraid of hurting TN and my friends, afraid of the repercussions, yet I persist. Writing is in my blood, I can’t not write. After the death of my second sex blog I didn’t write for 2 or 3 months and I was lost, listless, unfocused. Deciding to switch to WP and start up again was by far one of the smartest decisions I’ve made recently; it’s connected me to wonderful, loving, understanding, challenging, sexy people. I’ve found a community of friends and supporters through this medium.

So, while I shake in my boots, I also turn my face up to the sun and spread my arms wide. I may be a target, but I’m a liberated one.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

You Might Also Like

60 thoughts on “I’m afraid of my secret sex blog being discovered.
  1. Like a lot of the other sexy people around here, I think the blogging keeps you sane and grounded. You can work out your issues, your options, your mistakes and bare your soul without risk but with lots of support from people who also need to be private for all the reasons you do. How much therapy would you need to give you this?
    Always obey your rules – nothing that can be traced back, never disclose real detail, no teasing clues and NEVER share with people you know. It is a hard secret to keep, but hugely valuable.
    And never stop blogging.

    1. Yes, Nick, exactly: “nothing that can be traced back, never disclose real detail, no teasing clues and NEVER share with people you know.” I hope I’ve done the first few of those, I mean, does anyone even know what part of the country I’m in? Maybe that’d be a good question: what do you all know about me?? What have you inferred?

      In any case, yes, the support is unlike anything else. God only knows how much therapy would replace the support we receive through our blogs (too much, to be sure).

      You sound like you’ve been through this yourself and learned a lesson. Or did you just come out with guns blazing?? xx Hy

    2. I agree with Nick. Like a complete idiot, I first posted my blogs on my Facebook. I didn’t realize exactly what I really needed to write about. Now I have sudden anxiety attacks because some people do know about it. Luckily I don’t think anyone on Facebook was paying that much attention but then again…my life would come tumbling down too. I don’t know how much of it is worth holding up. I would never want to hurt anyone through my writing. I just try to sort things out in my head and I enjoy getting to know all of you. You feel more like family then my real family sometimes.

      Bisous Hy,
      Dawn

      1. Eesh. I’ve learned a few things along the way and that’s one of them, for sure. If you’re really worried about it, you could always restart and just email all of us and leave off those FB people :)

        I’m not in your life, nor do I even really know the players, but maybe if I did I’d know better of which you write. In any case, you keep things very private. xx Hy

  2. Can I claim the 5th? Oh no, I’m in England…
    Seriously, I’ve seen lots of friends take risks and I don’t want these friends hurt.
    So I shout at them!
    You are doing fine…so far:-)

  3. That is an awesome endorsement on WordPress.
    As I read, I thought …she’s NOT closing her site…I have emailed her …maybe I’ll find her new one … TN has issues and he’s on his way out then she won’t feel guilty ( even though this is HER business- not his) … oh, thank God she’s still writing!
    Great Shady Card – I have to use that on some unsuspecting person.
    I have only mentioned that I write on a blog to a couple friends and only one knows why I started (because of him thats why). I haven’t told anyone my name so no one could guess it is me. This is my business and I interact so posts may contain real life people. I wouldn’t reveal true names. (Now you’re making me nervous about email – its ok though.
    It sounds like you feel guilty because it’s personal information and he is private. Look, the only way I would know this guy is if I were to be in some computer IT department MAYBE??? and he were to walk up to me wearing your lace underwear with a stiffy happening LOL. I wouldn’t be able to talk with my mouth agape and I absolutely wouldn’t say anything … couldn’t possibly! Keep writing please. Besides. It’s healthy. Jayne

  4. I know you’re on Central Time ( time stamped post) , blonde, son, apartment … that blog game … good idea? – fuck it it was fun. I bet people you know COULD recognize you from your post pictures IF they saw them- the body shots. They would have to be there for a reason actually looking for you I think.

    1. All true, though I’ve never said I had a son and time stamps can be manipulated. Everyone just assumes for some reason. “Peyton” as a pseudonym is unisex.

      And actually, I doubt anyone would know me from my pics unless they’d seen me naked in my apartment and not that many have. :)

          1. I finally created the blogroll for that award and I felt all slueth-like adding that as I cracked up thinking about it – so glad it made you laugh!! It made me think you could be Canadian too???? I don’t know… don’t tell either. : )

  5. It’s much too important for all of us that you continue. No need to feel guilty because everyone has secrets. It’s part of the human condition. So as long as you don’t tell a sole, we’re all sworn to absolute secrecy.

    Mike

    1. Aw, Mike, of course you’d say that, but really, I think y’all’d be ok if I stopped :) And true, everyone has secrets, but this one seems so deliberate… xx Hy

      1. I think most secrets tend to be “deliberate”. And yes, we’d be “ok”, but I prefer better than “ok”

  6. I hope you don’t quit writing; besides my selfish enjoyment, I really like ya and I think this blog is great for you. I understand you. I struggle with guilt…if T ever found out about my blog… ugh. I almost stopped writing when I realized the Artist was reading me a few weeks back. It’s hard, and in the end, you have to do what’s best for you.

    1. I won’t, not any time soon, anyway. And thank you, I like you lots, too. If TN found out, I’d have to stop, or redirect, or god, I don’t know what. Fuck. Hard to even think about. xx Hy

  7. I think one reason to have a blog so you can say those things that you know “everybody” is going to misunderstand or judge you for, and you’re right that there could be serious repercussions if all these private thoughts were made public. So definitely don’t drop any hints to anybody. Is there NOBODY who knows you write it? In my case, L is the only person who knows about it; fortunately she’s down with it.

    1. I definitely live by “NO HINTS”. It’s hard, though. Really, really hard. This blog is a huge part of my day, my thoughts. And correct, NO ONE knows I write this except for you guys. You’re lucky L is behind you, but you’re also lucky you’re writing about happy things. xx Hy

  8. We all take a risk. I’m extremely private, I’m layered behind VPN’s and proxy servers. I go “incognito” through Chrome which doesn’t record you history. I bury my IP address as much as I can. But, the reality is, it’s a risk. Like Nick said, follow your own rules.

    I don’t think you are betraying TN. As Jayne said, I wouldn’t know him, frankly even if he dropped his pants and pulled out his cock. It looks no different than any other 8″ cock. *shrugs*

    My only advice to you babe, is pull back on the tit shots and keep your hair out of the picture. Those are memorable ;-)

    All my love … GC

    1. Wow. I don’t even know half of what you just said :) Proxys? VPNs? Ugh. I’ve taken care about some things, though I know I’ve described seasons and animals in my neck of the woods. My language could give me away, but it also couldn’t whatsoever. Everyone can assume all they want, I guess.

      I feel as though I’m betraying TN because of all the open disclosure of what’s transpired between us. I’m trying to think of what I’d do/how I’d feel if I found a blog he’d been writing that starred me. Ugh.

      I’ve only had one pic with hair (because I totally agree with you on that), but I’m perplexed about the tits. Really?? I also do my best to keep identifying things in my apt either blurred or out of the pics altogether. Maybe I’m not doing as good as job as I thought?? xx Hy

      1. TN, and all the others that have brightened your blog, are even less identifiable than you are. You are very careful about your friends.
        If you did not have the blog, there is a good chance you and TN would have failed ages ago.
        If he found it, he would be flattered how deeply you think about all this. How deeply you feel about him.

      2. I think you’re doing fine, it wasn’t my intent to scare you. But your rack is notable … just sayin … I can quite vividly recall all of your photos, especially the ones you are dressed in … like “they’re lonely” .. naked would be better. But, I’m hyper paranoid.

        VPN is virtual private network. It creates a little private tunnel through the bandwidth that is private an untracked. Proxy is a server in front of my server that hides my IP address from view.

  9. Finding TN’s blog. That does put it in perspective for me. I wouldn’t have a clue where to start really looking.

    Of identifying things, I’ll share what I’ve gleaned. I’m not sure if listing things is helpful or intrusive, so of course feel free to moderate this and leave it unapproved.

    I think a dialog in this borderless sexuality group would be good. What recourse of privacy do we have? When I got a scare, I did a slash and burn. I deleted my blog address, and changed my name. I wasn’t able to stay away though, I should have left entirely.

    What if you closed your blog? What if you never visited the other blogs again? What if something happened to you?

    Gillian wrote about this when she wrote about her epilepsy, that she could disappear at any time (it was much worse than that, but I can’t handle going there). We wouldn’t know what happened.

    What about an agreed upon universal password that changes monthly(?) ? Thoughts?

    I may have only met you all really since Christmas, but I don’t want to lose anybody.

    1. I took a few days to respond to this one because I couldn’t figure out whether or not to email you privately. In the end, I took out the bits about what you’d gleaned, not because it was a bad thing, but because you have a superb memory and maybe not all my readers do. No point in reminding them! haha

      And I think I know what you’re talking about in regards to a universal password, but could you expound on your thoughts? I don’t want to lose anyone either. xx Hy

      1. Excellent! I’m glad you deleted my list. I was worried for all the reasons you listed. When I started writing everything down I thought that there is no way I can send this. She’ll be upset! Which of course meant I had to send it to you. This is your privacy, security and safety. Serious things. But I was worried that you might email me privately and say: WTF is wrong with you?!

        I’ll write a proper response later, I don’t have more time right now, but I wanted to leave a quick note to say that I’m happy you edited my comment.

        Have a great day ~

  10. I think you can’t be too careful when writing a blog like yours. I had a blog chronicling my affair and my husband found it (because he was tech-savvy). Pics that no one but him could have recognized were my ultimate downfall. A couple other prominent sex blogs on Blogger were also compromised recently and lives were severely affected. It’s a dangerous game we play, but I’ll admit I miss having it as an outlet.

  11. I think the writing helps keep you grounded. I’m extremely paranoid about being found out, too. That’s why no one I know in real life knows, I never blog on a computer that’s not mine, and I often clear the history after I log out, just in case my computer is sitting out in the open.

  12. Anonymity is a beautiful thing. I stay underground so I can write anything I want without fear of being discovered. I write for me, I expose myself in ways I never could before. I’m proud of my truths. If someone I know happens to recognize me, which hasn’t happened yet, I’ll simply say “don’t hate me because I’m naughty.” Be free and be proud of your unique ability to step into a world that was made for you, that so many are afraid to enter.

    1. That’s a great attitude to have, for sure. In fact, a reader suggested offline that I have a prepared response to someone recognizing me in real life, like, “What’s the internet?” or, “I don’t have a computer.” haha

      And thanks for the support. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have this outlet.

  13. I can’t tell you how much this post hit home. Especially the “shady” e-card. I engaged in some activity recently that left me feeling like a very shady person myself. I am new to this game, and am super paranoid already. My very first post was already un-posted as I felt I included too many details that would identify me to someone who does know me (specifically my husband or my closest friends). I am taking great risk in the fact that none of them really read blogs, so perhaps wouldn’t happen to stumble across mine. However, the whole situation has been difficult because I want to share private things, yet am very scared about the fact that I could never undo that. As a side note, I love your blog and am very inspired by your honesty. You write in a way that reveals the rawness of your emotions, and you come across as a person who feels deeply and passionately. I can only hope I can have the courage to share things the way that you do, without feeling like a complete shady piece of shit in the process. I feel like this type of blogging is valuable in the way that journaling is, but the platform makes it hard to defend as something as private as that. I feel like I have to admit that this type of sharing reveals a deeper need to be heard, to be understood by someone, anyone. But there is a freedom in getting that understanding from someone who can’t hold you accountable. Ethically, I question if that’s what I’m after. The lack of accountability for the things I truly want to say, think, and feel. In any case, I’m not giving up yet. But reading about your perspective has made me think twice about the way in which I will pursue this deeply personal outlet. I love your writing. Please keep it up!

    1. Ava, thank you for your kind words about my writing. I think you’re absolutely right that taking my thoughts to this platform is an attempt to be heard as who I really am. And it’s easier for you all to read at your leisure than it would be for me to inundate you every time we talked or hung out. It’s both a barrier AND lubricant.

      Re: your situation, remove those identifying things you fear make you visible and see if you can’t keep writing that way. Erase your history, hide behind VPNs and proxies like Gillian suggested, change your time zone.

      I won’t stop writing, don’t worry. You’re stuck with me.

  14. So Hy,
    You say that you’re afraid of being discovered, but do you have any reason to suspect that anyone you may know or anyone who could out you is onto you?
    A little aside – so many of us live with that fear of being outed, but isn’t the danger of it part of the allure?

    HH

    1. HH, The Neighbor has seen glimpses of my dashboard and a push notice once, and he’s super tech savvy. If he’d caught the name of my blog he’d have looked me up by now, I’m sure. His ignorance to WP is what’s saved me, I think.

      As far as the allure goes… That’s a tough one. I’ll admit it’s kinda nice being the one with a secret for a change.

  15. I love the way you write! I don’t know your blog yet – but will def subscribe now I’ve read a couple of your recent posts. I understand your turmoil, but it is unlikely that you will get found out. And if there is someone reading who does recognize you – surely they will be impressed?
    I know what you mean though – certain things such as you mention are still taboo and could be detrimental to your place in society etc
    Writing can be so therapeutic and/or focusing – so don’t stop. I love the way you write!

  16. Oh Hy, I knew you were someone I connected with. Having a blog terrifies me, and I feel like such an asshole for having it at times. If my friends found out some of these secrets I don’t know if we could be friends again. How I view sexuality and how they view it are different planes of being. Then there’s the fact that the bloggers know more about my sexual feelings than the people I actually sleep with.

    However I’m in the same boat. I still love it, only because it’s a really good outlet to connect with people just like me.

  17. well hy, i believe you discovered me after the whole forum fiasco, but i was outted in a big way, nationally…some fuck face i wouldn’t fuck off of a site connected me with my blog, and a very raunchy post i had written, and shared it on one forum, which in turn was picked up by the national forum of a malicious radio show…it was awful…my ex-husband found it, my friends, my co-workers…it drove me into a deep depression,and i even quit blogging temporarily…
    but all of my sex blogger friends and the community here on WP came to my defense, and i realized, “so fucking what?”…i am who i am…i don’t care who knows…i am not ashamed of what i do or who i am…this is june, plain and simple…
    it all has blown over (somewhat) but i don’t really care anymore…
    i am too old to care about such things anymore…if people want to be judgmental prudes, let them…i welcome all haters to my blog because the simple truth is, they may have started out making fun of me or saying how awful it is, but they sure the hell keep reading it, don’t they? lol

      1. yeah it was very awful at the time…my asshole ex-husband even showed my then 15 year old son, and literally forced him to sit down and read through all of them! it was an inexplicable feeling…but my son has done nothing but support me since then, and my ex made himself the bad guy…what kind of parent does that?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge