I fucked up: A follow up

This is really an add-on to my earlier post. I want to be completely honest with all of you. I fucked up by letting 4 am girl in my house and betraying The Neighbor’s trust by discussing our breakup with her. I want to elaborate on those things because I feel so utterly horrible about them and I want you all to see my ugliness.

The thing that people love about me is my openness and generosity. It’s one of my gifts I don’t even work at, it just is who I am. However, it also means my filter is sometimes off and it’s been something I’ve worked on for years to buttress with firmer boundaries. But I was drunk (my fault) and weak (my fault) on Sunday when I let her into my house. Oh how I wish I’d turned her away!! And when she blithely asked me to explain my feelings about TN I felt compelled to and it was oh so wrong. So, so, so wrong. And I have to live with that.

After he left my apartment angry, but somewhat mollified by my honest explanation, and he left her behind I should have kicked her out for lying to him about what I’d told her about our breakup. When she ranted and raved at me and told me she was going to go for him I should have had her leave. When she touched my breasts and caressed my face, I should have had her leave. When she proclaimed obstinately that I was intimidated by her, I should have made her leave. When she said he was obsessed with her, I should have had her leave. When she cried that no one but him had ever called her beautiful, I should have had her leave. When she still wouldn’t listen and insisted I’d lied, I should have slapped her and made her leave. When I noticed that she’d pissed herself, I should have made her leave. When she stole his champagne, and brought it over I should have made her leave. When I caught her in bed with TN, I should have slammed the door in her face. When she couldn’t walk to the corner store, I should have made her leave.

How many opportunities did I have to make that night right and I squandered every single one of them and why?? I was a weak, drunk piece of shit from drinking with friends all day. I have no idea. I felt paralyzed. Like I was watching a train wreck. I was morbidly curious, yet destroyed simultaneously. It was like it was happening to someone else.

And why didn’t he come and get her? At what point did he think it was ok to leave the new woman with the old??

I have to live with the idea that I nailed my own coffin shut with the man I love and want in my life. I have to suck it up, own it, move on, see his car gone overnight.

Cruel said it right:

True happiness is not found in the arms of a lover be they stranger or soul mate.

The ability to be happy is innate in each of us we are born complete free from prejudice once we learn the concept of I, Me and Mine we taint the primordial wisdom we were born with. By continually grasping at the idea of permanence of things and wishing for happiness to be found through emotional means you will never be happy.

I know this. I truly do. I tell people this on a daily basis, but when I feel I am at fault, that I have brought it down on my own ears I cannot help but think it is my suffering to bear. To witness TN literally run into another woman’s drunken arms is my punishment for all of this, for not being free of my prejudice, my own vices, my relationships with emotion and others: my need.

I’m telling myself all the usual things. He can have her, they can have each other, they’ll be miserable together, etc., but I don’t know that. Maybe they’ll end up happily married with kids. This is my journey, not theirs, and I need to somehow extricate myself from their bullshit affair so I can rise above the pain and the betrayal. But how can things change so swiftly?? Just Wednesday morning he was designating a pillow for me of his while we lay tangled naked in his bed bathed in the morning light.

I am still confused and wondering if I even have the right to feel this way. That’s my other big hurdle in this life: believing I have a right to anything. Happiness, anger, love, anything. You name it and I wonder if I’m worthy of it. I readily admit to my mistakes in this clusterfuck, I do. I’d been drunk and I’d been weak and I’d betrayed his trust.

It can’t all be my fault, though. I blame TN for leaving her there, for causing a scene, for having her on his balcony again only two days after breaking my heart knowing I’d see them, for letting her stay in his bed, for going to her last night. He is stabbing my convulsing body at every opportunity since Wednesday. It’s one of the cruelest things anyone’s ever done to me and I am numb. A doe with an arrow in her side, confused and in pain, wandering aimlessly through the forest. Where is relief?? I need another arrow. Is that another man or another insult?

Tears aren’t an option — I’m too swirled up with anger and disbelief to conjure any. I know this will all pass with time — all of you have reminded me of that — I just have to stay focused, try not to beat myself up, let the dust settle. I can’t control everything; I certainly can’t control another person. I can only try to heal. Somehow. And keep my fists firmly at my sides instead of on me.

I am so sorry, everyone. I feel like I’ve let you all down. Me, TN, all of you who have been my champions through all of this. I was above reproach and now… I am a piece of shit and fucked it up. I was weak and stupid and I’m so ashamed. I’ve lost the man I love all over again. I wish a hole would open up and swallow me up.

And I’m sorry for even going on and on about it. It’s just coursing through my entire system. I need it out. OUT. I can’t breathe, I can’t think. It must get out of me. Now, forever, fast, forever. Time. time. I know, I know. God, I know. How long have I wished that I were 6 months from here? When will that ever stop?? Will I ever be safe from me? From them? I don’t know anymore. I feel slightly better. I just lost some of it to you. Thank you.

33 thoughts on “I fucked up: A follow up

  1. Stay in the moment. This is your time to heal. This is your time to feel the love you have for yourself and your friends have for you. Yes, right now The Neighbor’s love is denied you, but that is just one source and type of love. You have the love of many others, it is all around you, willing you support, peace, and happiness.

  2. Ok … for not the 1st time, I’m gonna have to disagree on a wholelotta this crap. In the first . place, unlike my nature, I’m going to be gentle with you here. You did NOT fuck up. REPEAT … you did NOT fuck up. You are under enormous emotional stress, and guess what, you had a few drinks to ease you in the transition. Normal, Babe, in fact very good therapy I’d say. And yes, that can lead to your defences being down somewhat. But let’s get over it … it really isn’t that big a deal.

    Secondly, and more importantly, this is not punishment! This is LEARNING. Now you are seeing some of TN’s true character. Not so nice? And you say you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

    When you are able, get the emotions in check, sit back and analyze what you have just witnessed… TN’s treatment of you, his letting her stay around you alone, even why he is so enamored with her.

    You are not witnessing a train wreck Babe, you are seeing a rescue.

    Mike

      • No, no, with people there at home. But I know that’s almost impossible – Talking to them is like being around a bunch of women at work – gossip or talking about your problem gets everyone to keep breathing life into it. (Ha! You have that here!!! ) At least here you can actually say exactly what you want and get perspective from people who aren’t friends of anyone involved…except you. That 4am girl sounds like a Rat’s Nest of problems to me because she is connected to TN and he’s not a woman to analyze everything to the Nth degree so interpreatation will cause more problems between you and TB whether its 4am or the other neighbor. You know how that starts a whole new clusterfuck of ill itentions and miscommunications. That’s what meant by keeping quiet – with anyone there who knows/talks to TN.

        • Ah, yes, we’ll I just cleared some things up with Downstairs Neighbor that were a little foggy for me and I feel reaffirmed. But I like your advice a lot and will do my best. I’m feeling better by the hour the more I hash it out (I’m a hasher). Thank god I have this blog!

  3. After reading both, I’ve decided to comment. This is your space, Hy. Go on about anything as much as you want or need to. Second, the fact that he left her with you just tells me he’s not that nice of a guy. Why the fuck would he do that? I know I have no right to comment on him because I only hear your side, but I don’t care. That was a shitty move, and what was his end game if not to hurt you and maybe her too? Seriously? He needs to stop acting so childish, because he may be younger than you, but he’s damn sure not a child.

    As for being “drunk and weak” so what? So you drank because you were depressed and needed to decompress? That’s nothing to apologize for. The fact that you’re still standing after having your heart torn out tells me you’re not weak.

    I’m sorry for this clusterfuck of a post but I’m so flustered about this. I care about you and I don’t want you to let this get to you, but I know that it’s an impossible desire. My advice is to maybe get out of the house? Away from all that drama for awhile. Drink if you want to. Do what makes you happy. Fuck some old flames if it makes you happy. Try not to compare them to TN, try to just have them for what they are. Decompress. Relax. Be happy, Hy, for no one else but yourself. You’re a beautiful person inside and out. TN fucked up. He’ll realize it one day.

    xoxo
    Fatal

  4. oh hy, i can’t even imagine if i had to see mike everyday; if the fucking whores he was fucking the whole time and still fucking, were paraded in front of me on a daily basis…
    honestly girl, you know this, but i am going to tell you anyways: hindsight is 20/20…at the time sight? maybe 25/40 at best…and drunk sight? well fuck, at that point you’re legally blind…
    you can’t even beat yourself up for this shit…he had no right to leave her with you like that, and whatever happened, by extension, is largely his fault…
    i know you think you should have done a million things differently, but the fact that you didn’t knock her little ass to the floor and rip every follicle of hair out is a miracle…you did what you could, when you could, in a very hard and confusing time…
    you will get through this, as i will get though the awful shit i am going through…unfortunately life decided that i should buck up and stop mourning mike, and now i miss the days i sat crying over him, because that was better than this shit…
    but all works out in some large karmic way in the end…
    i have been watching this show “touch”…it really has made me think about the way everything and everyone is connected, and how seemingly random and awful shit can be necessary for the universe to right a wrong and to put you in the right spot for your destiny…totally changed my perspective…you should check it out

  5. Everybody’s right, everybody’s wrong, we’ve all fucked up and only time will finish this song.

    You should go drink some wine with Noodle. And do things with her to give me something to fantasize about. That would be awesome. I hate it when dicks get involved and mess with women’s heads simply because their owners don’t have their own shit sorted out. Makes me want to suck down cigarettes, and these things shouldn’t even affect me and my lonesome life. I’m going to go have a smoke for you now.

    You know what song I fucking hate? It’s an oldie that goes, Time, tiiiiii-hi-ime, it’s on myyyy side, yes it is.”

    Sorry if you know it and it just got stuck in your head, it’s kind of annoying.

    (I’ve written well over a thousand words of commentary that I have deleted and settled on these bits and the thought of you and Noodle naked together. You’ve gotten enough words of wisdom, how about some male idiocy instead???)

    Oh but wait, this was kind of insightful. I was thinking the neighbor probably left that girl with you because in his own twisted way, whether or not he did so consciously, I think he wants your approval of her, for him. Could be he’s a tad insecure himself. But he respects you enough to break your heart while also wanting to know you approve. He’s a unit, Hy, and doesn’t know what he wants. That’s my idea, anyway, based on your blog. I hate to sing the same old song, but you’ll move on, and you can find someone who is more your equal in heart and mind and bed. He appears to be lacking in at least two of those areas.

      • Justin- Don’t do it. Just don’t post it. Makes you look dumb and immature.
        I- But it cracks me up!
        Justin- But this is the blog of a heartbroken woman who needs emotional support, you ass!
        I- But she likes my comments! I can’t go wrong!
        Justin- Don’t fucking do it! Just resist, resist the click!
        I- Oh don’t be such a prude! She’s fine, and I bet she gets a kick out of dumb raunchy humor!
        Justin- Maybe, but maybe not now, and you ought to rise above and just say something nice about her, and leave Noodle out of this for god’s sake.
        I- Speaking of which, the arrow, remember what I commented to her, about Justin Hood, and his arrow, and the red target, and whatnot?
        J- Yes, that was fantastic. This is Hy’s website, not Noodle’s.
        I- So you’re saying, don’t say something like, “Do let me know. I’d like to bend her this way and that myself,” and instead offer up some wisdom and words of encouragement?
        Justin- Yes, that would be good of you.
        I- Oh, alright. I’m a little tired right now though. She’s going to be fine. This shit isn’t easy for her, but it will blow over.
        Justin- I’ll blow you over!
        I- What does that even mean?
        Justin-Lay down the wisdom, man! The words that will make all her pain and sorrows go away!
        I- Cripes, that’s a lot of pressure. You’re making my head hurt. And Cruel said enough. Those Buddhists and all their cryptic answers to everything, tchhh! I’m gonna go have a ciggy instead.
        Justin- Yeahhhhhhhh, you go do that. Keep puffing away, instead of helping somehow. Useless bastard.
        I- Shut it. I got no wisdom tonight. Just the craving for a cigarette. That’s how it goes sometimes.

        xoxo

  6. Stop torturing yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong and you are definitely not a piece of shit or all the other condesending things you’ve said about yourself….You are perfectly human and will learn from this painful time…Hang in there and don’t become your own worst enemy…

  7. Yikes. I go out of the country for a month and this is what happens. Seriously now, I am sorry for all the drama you are going through. However, I second what Mike said about this being a learning experience for you. First of all, from now on when a dude tells you there is no future for a relationship for whatever reason, you take him at his word and fucking move on. Now that you know you can get emotionally involved, do not spend the hard currency of your heart on douche bags who will only bring you down. When you meet a man who is emotionally available you are going to be amazed that you put up with so much shit with TN. Don’t see TN, don’t talk to him, don’t think about him. No more beating yourself up. This was your failed attempt at settling, now that you know you deserve to be loved for who you are it is time to find a man who will treat you right.

  8. Many hugs to you.

    I encourage you to write everything down. If not for us to see, just to write and get it out, until there’s no more. I hope you find some healing and clarity soon.

    <3

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