I finally said NO.

I struggle with a very little word:  NO.

Its power, its simplicity, its implied worth of the owner all conspire to tangle me up, but last night I managed a very polite, No Thank You to The Neighbor.

This week has been an odd one for the two of us.  After the weekend he disappeared Monday, but kept popping up throughout the week.  He stopped by Tuesday night, popped out on the balcony twice Wednesday, and stopped by again Thursday.  Each time I had my hand on the doorknob I chanted to myself, “Sorry, now isn’t a good time,” and each time I found my hand twisting the metal and swinging the door open wide.

On the balcony, I just felt violated.  He knows I’m out there a lot; just leave me alone already.

I was tested — and failed — at every turn this week.  He was home alone all week.

And as I struggled to keep my hands off my body yesterday I found connections to my other struggles and a way to regain some power.  TN had been bursting into my space, so I was going to burst into his.

I buried myself in our nearly year-long text thread and dug up glorious cock pic after cock pic, found my favorite one of his giant erection glistening with pre-cum and sent it to him.  We bantered and laughed.  I told him why I was abstaining.

It’ll be good for me.  I’m gonna do a week at a time.  Never done this before. Want to test myself  Also, I made a pact with a fiend of mine in the UK.  He needs support to not wank 10x a day so he can finally cum in his wife :).  I offered support.

His response was, “Awww I feel for him.”

I said, “I know you do.  Made me think of you.”

Later, I asked him if he wanted to come over to play Scrabble some time after 9:30.  He said he’d likely pass because he was tired, crabby, and needed to recharge.  I told him if he changed his mind to just let me know.

I felt guilty for instigating contact on the one hand, blithely apathetic on the other.  Fuck it.  Fuck me.  Fuck him.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with a girlfriend in my pool drinking cheap white wine.  At 5, we got our kids from school and made plans to meet up for dinner at a local family joint.  Peyton and I got there early and I stood close to the jungle gym while I waited for our table.  Misters over the diners made the air thick and wet and children’s laughter and screaming mixed with the folk-singers on the makeshift stage.  The cacophony of vibrant sounds and colors poured through me.

I breathed deeply and felt anchored.  Happy.  Nothing else mattered in that moment except me and Peyton.

My friend and her kid soon arrived under twinkling stars and beaming smiles.  We laughed and talked and ate heartily for two hours before I began to sag with fatigue.  I begged off around 9 and Peyton and I made bedtime negotiations in the car on the way home.  As I wearily climbed the three flights of stairs with a little hand clenched in mine I noticed my bag of trash was gone.  I asked Peyton if it’d been there when we’d left. “Yes,” was the reply.

And then this happened:

My answer was, “Nope.”

One of the things I’d noticed by revisiting our old text thread was that in the beginning of our tryst I was very unavailable.  I was either too tired or busy, and somewhere along the line that changed.  I’d given all my power of NO away.   I didn’t want to pass up a single chance to see him and so exhausted, cranky, whatever, I would let him spend time with me whenever he wanted to.  In the end, he was calling all the shots.

Last night, I finally did something I could be proud of.  I said, NO.  I listened to my body and my heart for a change, my body and heart, not Hy’s.  Hyacinth would have bent over backwards to accommodate this man.  She ignores the fact I’m run down and heart-weary, but I don’t.  I’m going to look out for the both of us.  And my reward was a long night’s rest, a minor power shift, and a little peace of mind.

The only drawback to this whole thing was falling asleep at 10 pm meant I woke up at 6 am horny as hell.   Not a bad trade off, really.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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53 thoughts on “I finally said NO.
  1. Good girl … I’m so very proud of you. You are getting him where you want him. It will be so very sweet when you finally cut the cord.

    Mike

    1. Yay! Thanks, Mike! It felt wonderful :). What’s really creepy is that I’d deliberately turned my sound off so I wouldn’t hear a text, but I woke up a minute after he texted for no reason; I’d been asleep for an hour already. That’s some weird voodoo right there.

  2. I don’t believe that’s a minor power shift, but a major one. Internally.

    It’s like anything else – good or bad – it gets easier to do it again after the first time (like, changing from lurker to participant status, eh?). So, it’s actual embodiment of what your mind has been saying, put in action. Leaving a foundation for the next time…

    1. Thanks for this. The only other time I’ve ever turned him away was when I was sicker than a dog. Maybe this is a bigger deal than I’m imagining.

      And de-lurking is good!! xx Hy

  3. I absolutely agree with the above, power to you Hy! This is absolutely fantastic what you’re doing. I can’t feel for you more in this case, I know all too well that inability to say no and the importance of getting this power back.
    And your photos, stunning as always, sweet Hy…

    1. Thanks, India. I was actually going to raincheck him on the Scrabble of he took me up on it. I was *this* close to texting him proactively, but fell asleep first :)

  4. Lovely! I know what you mean about that restful sleep, letting go and just being ok with regenerating yourself over night. I had gotten into such a frenzy the past few months so this break you and AM thought of gave me much needed focus on all the right things and allowed me to say goodbye to the huge cock of my dreams, aka my boytoy.So proud of you and happy to read this.

    1. I’m glad our accidental chasteness has had a positive effect on you, too! I’m telling you, we’ll all solve the world’s mysteries by the end of this experiment :)

  5. You led me to an epiphany, Hy! No matter how much we try to pretend we’re not playing games or struggling for power, that what relationships and friendships often boil down to. Thank you for helping me see where I can change my behavior to be less readily available and at the beck and call of MYC, or any other man, for that matter.

    No is truly powerful.

    Your pictures are stunning, as always.

    1. I told you I’d be shitting epiphanies by the end, but you beat me to the punch! Yes, it’s all a power struggle. Sometimes they’re equitable and therefore invisible, other times they’re blatant. NO makes all the difference. Good luck!

      And thanks for the kind words. :)

  6. Don’t you find it strange, bizarre, ?, that what you wanted ( his attention) all along was right at your fingertips – had you not given everything to him – all of Hy. The dynamic has to be an archetype of some sort. It’s fundamentally wrong to give all of yourself – a previous blogger posted some of Kahlil Gibran’s writing and his has come the closest to loving someone else while keeping yourself. You’ve opened yourself up to get out of a vicious circle of hurt with TN. The more you do it, the more solid your power. I always knew you had it – Amazing Hy!

    1. Thanks, Jayne. I’m continuing to exert a little control today. He said that 4 am girl was “MIA” this morning and he needs my help cleaning up his back for his laser treatment this afternoon. I told him I could only do it earlier in the day.

      I don’t want Pisspants to get the chance to show up and I want to force him to tell her I did it for him. I’m also going to insist he be naked when I do it — a little power move on my part, I know. Or maybe not. Maybe her drunk ass will show up and he won’t need me, but I will likely be the one doing it.

      And had he not said he tried to get her to do it first, I would have told him NO, that his *girlfriend* should be asked to do something like that, not his old side dish who got tossed aside.

  7. I was thinking all sorts of supportive things about your post…until I saw the pics at the end…and then all I could think, “I’m so glad I’m one of her IBFs…”

    :-)

  8. sounds like you actually had quite a good day with your No saying, waking up horny as hell but recharged sounds like a good tradeoff. Damn sexy pictures though, damn you, here I’m also trying not to touch myself and you do that to me… :D

      1. wow..i totally dont get this website…it really just seems like you sleep with a new guy every other day. each to their own i guess!

          1. I guess i just cant relate.. Doesnt seem simple. Doesnt sound like you love yourself through most of your blog posts.. Cant imagine going through life like this bt everyones different. Never came across a blog where someone is so open about their life. From a comment you had left on a blog..

          2. I appreciate your honesty, Lucy. I know that the “other” side of things is strange, especially at first. To give you some reference, I am NOT this open in real life. I look like a normal woman, mother, professional. But this is what’s truly happening behind closed doors. There is a LOT out there besides monogamous heterosexual relationships.

            And I do struggle with some inner demons, occasionally wrestle to love myself more, etc., but sex and my body have always been both my salve and my lance. I make no bones about it. I’m happy being me most days.

            I hope you stick around. It will be good to do have a dissenting voice.

  9. Obviously Lucy accidentally found your blog on her way to somewhere inhibited enough for restricted thought. Why comment like that – ask a damn question if you don’t get something Lucy! You might learn something along the way instead of bore me with the comment of a closed minded girl. Sorry Hy, but Lucy bugged me. I wanted to come over and say, ” Go see what Truth003 wrote on AM’s latest – it’s SO sweet about you. Jayne

    1. I can see why her comment would bug you, but imagine suddenly pulling back an innocent looking curtain and finding THIS. We don’t know if she’s close-minded. She’s just certainly surprised. I don’t blame her.

      Re: True’s comment, I saw it. I’ll respond later :)

      Love having you in my corner, Jayney. xx Hy

      1. Ha yes i was i was very shocked.. I never thought of myself as close minded but maybe i am. I think im obviously quite a bit younger than you so had different life experiences. Your blog is like the life of a porn star ha.. Im not meaning to offend there! Its interesting to read but strange at the same time. Dont know if i’ll ever relate but i’ll probably continue to read and maybe get a better understanding :)

        1. Wonderful, Lucy! I hope you do stick around.

          And I don’t know how old you are, but when I was 19 I lost my virginity. Here’s a story I wrote about my 3rd sexual encounter ever. I came out thinking about sex a little differently than a lot of us are raised to believe. Just a little left of vanilla, I suppose. :)

    2. I did ask a question.. Didnt mean to offend. Just shocked because i’ve never came across a blog quite like this… Never really thought this is what went on peoples lives.

      1. I apologize Lucy. I wasn’t being open to that myself. I did think the question had a negative bend to it, and that was my perspective because Hy doesn’t sleep with a new guy as often as you said so you hadn’t read enough, yet asked if she felt slutty. I could be wrong, but I took that as a negative slant. Hy has her choices to make, as we all do, and you may take the time to read more of her posts. She’s a woman who , by being honest, exposes vulnerabilities and powers of femininity. You do have to leave conventional judgement aside to truly see the real, honest, intelligent, loving , beautiful woman trying to love well and be loved well. Again, I apologize for rearing up but Hy is a good person and I was being protective.

          1. Yes, I sort of feel like an ass but you had the sensible approach and Lucy can very well be steering toward a greater sex life than she’s ever thought possible! I’m a bull. oh well, I never said I was a lady.

      2. i didn’t mean it to come across that way other than to express that’s how it seemed…i think without knowing someone its easy to pass judgement, which i most likely did, but even speaking in these comments i can see what a nice person she seems even if we do have different views on things :) i understand i’d be protective too..im someone who doesn’t know her well or understand this blog very well but its a very interesting read all the less..just haven’t met anyone who looks at relationships and sex this way lol so when i came across it my first reaction was woahhh! lol :)

    3. i’m 23..i think it comes down to the fact that we have very different morals and ideas about life. You sound alot like a friend i have and i try not to judge but that can be hard LOL! I read alot of romance/erotica books ranging from vanilla to hardcore (prefer the hardcore ha!) and i guess i just didn’t really think alot of the things you right about actually happen that way or that someone would be happy with it. I want sex to be fun and exciting but i think i find it hard to relate because i’m looking for someone to love and enjoy all the sex with ;) rather than lots of different men. Even though my eyes have been opened to whats out there i still have alot to experience for myself and still need to learn to love my body like you do :) so that i can enjoy life and the experience there is on offer!

      1. In my Dissolutes list (tab above) you’ll find some blogs of committed, loving couples (like The Dom Next Door, Theo Black, My Sex Life with Lola, and You Linger Like a Haunting Refrain. None of them are “vanilla,” save Theo’s and even they do some spanking and pegging and such).

        You can definitely have an exciting sex life within committed relationships. I’m of the opinion we should never settle for less!

  10. thanks..i’m checking out the dom next door at the moment and i really like it already! think maybe because its from a mans perspective?…lol

  11. Hy…sorry late to the party (again)….been trying to catch up on all my reading. Just wanted to say WELL DONE YOU for welcoming Lucy so gracefully and not prickling up at what might initially appeared to be a dig. You rock!

    Lucy…welcome I’m sure you’ll like it here. Hy has a great list of followers and we all kind of love and protect her while cheering her on toward the love she deserves. She is a lot like a younger version of me..but I can’t say I am as a brave about putting my private thoughts and charades on my blog so I’m always in awe of what she brings to the table. Its a double edged sword for women to live a liberated sexual life…we are all so brainwashed into thinking anything outside of monogamy is slutty…but when you’re looking for love, ya gotta kiss a lot of fucking frogs on your way to the prince…and test driving is all part of the process. oxxo

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