I can’t help but worry.

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Not what I wanted to hear.

My breath is caught in my throat like a grasshopper in a bird’s beak. Is this the beginning of the end or will I continue to enjoy the sweet smelling meadow of our tumultuous affair?

I texted him earlier that I wanted his cock in me and would he make that happen? He’d said he’d try, but didn’t commit. I smiled to myself. At least it wasn’t a No.

I received this particular note a little before 10 pm last night. He rarely goes to bed before midnight. None of this makes sense if you stand it next to last week.

Last week we had sex more nights than not and spent nearly every one together. He was the catalyst for nearly all of it. It was passionate, tender, and fun, sometimes infuriating, mostly connected, a little confusing, and a lot loving.

It was a lavishly furnished room.

This week, I am standing in a white box with only a window.

And what looms large in my heart and mind is the fact that in November we will have not been dating for a year.

I’ve been sitting with this for days since we wordlessly picked back up again. My approach leans towards patience, while my heart roars for any kind of closure: together, apart; in love, in mourning; happy, sad.

I continue to dangle from a sliver of hope like an errant celestial being might from the moon. Where am I really going with this??

Silly me. Silly, silly me. I should know by now that my sweet, baby lover isn’t up for this and confusion is a permanent listing on the menu. I may be making him who he is as a man, but I don’t like the woman he makes me: off center, worried, insecure.

Ella said to me, “It’s the bitter with the sweet. You light up when he pays attention and dim when he doesn’t.” Am I really that dependent? That predictable?

I’m trying not too read too much into this. We watched a movie Sunday and he came over when I needed a friend Monday. It’s been comfortable, yet chastely innocent, I admit, but we are tinder boxes are we not? Perhaps I’m putting too much on sex. Or perhaps something has happened in his heart. I have to work hard to appear calm.

The next two weeks will be filled with my little person. Peyton’s father is traveling for work so my custody period is doubled. I love mothering and welcome the opportunity to focus on something other than the tangled mess that is my heart — there is always something more important, after all — but I can’t shake the worry.

I tell myself this all could mean nothing. Try to relax, Hy. Maybe he has a belly ache. Don’t over analyze! But then reality stalks me like a cutpurse and won’t let me be: He doesn’t want this, she whispers, he’s going to leave you.

Well, ok. If that is so then this time I will let him close the gap. My back is broken from all the heavy lifting over the last few months. If he has something to say, if something has truly changed, then it’s his turn to behave like an adult and end it. I’ll be busy focusing on other things. Or trying to, anyway.

Yet hope refuses to leave me and is as cruel a lover as any other. When you look up at the shiny crescent moon tonight, think of me will you? I’ll be lounging on the tip, my heart on my sleeve and my fingers sweetly crossed. You may shake your head at me, but I will remain on my perch.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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53 thoughts on “I can’t help but worry.
  1. TN has a tendency to be very attentive when you hold back and when you maintain control. The instant you drop your barriers he does this … every single goddamned time.

    I am still going to kick him.

    Love you babe

    1. I was going to say the same thing – without the kick LOL In fact, I was going to tell you a while back that I thought you needed to give a name to the woman who was in charge that day you were in another “place” and TN was wanting to spend time with you…and your child ( He went swimming with you…asked child if he wanted to swim after you had already. Beyonce has Sascha Fierce – Hy has ..?…

      1. Ha! That is an excellent point. I’m going to think about her name and try to channel her up again. That’s another reason last week was so fabulous: I was busy, interested, but not longing, centered and proud. I’ve slipped into more sentimentality this week and I need to pull my ass out of it.

        Hmm, a name, a name… I’ve always been attracted to thistles. Is that a name? Could my alter ego be Thistle Summers? haha Help!

  2. Dear Hy, I hate to see you with all this inner turmoil. But I can totally relate. I think you’re having difficulty just being with the special relationship that you share with TN because you want more than he is willing to give you. If you can find it in your heart to accept the fact that everything is impermanent, then maybe it will be easier to just enjoy the time that you get to spend with TN. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, because it is something that I constantly remind myself too. But with this acceptance comes freedom, and with freedom comes a greater self worth and pride that you can see the world for how it is. Complicated but simple. Enjoy every moment to the fullest. Good luck babe.
    Xoxo
    Ginger

    1. Thanks, Ginger :) Sometimes I’m good with things, sometimes I’m not. 40 hit the nail on the head though: TN always pulls back when I lean in and — believe it or not — I forgot.

      I’ll be ok. Regardless. xx Hy

  3. For what it’s worth from the Peanut Gallery department … I think you really know the answers to all your questions. There’s just that reluctance to admit to the finality that is approaching. I suspect you had such a good week because he really was hoping for that double bj.

    Sorry, but your naivete (or is it just wishful dreaming?) continues to shock me. Read this “… it’s his turn to behave like an adult … ” to see what I mean. Ain’t gonna happen.

    Enjoy and revel in your 2 weeks with Peyton. Make them be wonderful. The following weeks probably won’t be so pleasant.

    Mike (sadly, ever the pessimist)

    1. You may be right about everything, even my naïveté, Mike. Or, maybe, this will have an ending none of us foresee (see? Even now I can’t help but be optimistic). xx Hy

    2. I thought the same thing that you said in your first paragraph Mike, and I’m a woman. The fact that a man thinks it too gives it more cred.

      The fact that he stopped having sex with her and being around so much after that night seems to point to both of us being correct.

      The “it’s his turn to behave like an adult…” is so sad. I don’t think Hy knows that, yet. He hasn’t acted like an adult at all. She would likely have to wait years to see him evolve in to a man, even though his age says that he already should be.

      I don’t actually believe you’re a pessimist. I think you’re a realist. That what your being real about happens to be something that Hy wants to be optimisitc about doesn’t make it less true.

      This will end one of two ways. Either he will get a girlfriend and push her away for good, or Hy will take the reigns and move on. I don’t see a happily ever after here- I don’t think anyone who’s followed this does. He’s not mature enough for her. Hy’s brain knows this, but her heart does not.

  4. I know your heart is hurting, but damn girl. This is one fine piece of writing. Your metaphors are lyrical but not sappy, your phrasing poetic without cheesy rhymes. You ride your roller coaster with grace and beauty and make us all ache to be your defender, your champion. I love you girl. So much.

  5. I don’t think too deeply into the simple creature’s mind. It may feel like he has this grand plan, but I think he simply doesn’t feel like fucking that moment. Maybe he is on his man-period and feels gross? He is being nice saying sorry, he didn’t just not text you (though I know it feels like rejection). Maybe he even realized that in the past year he has been happpiest with you, but the kid is not going to change over a week, he is hanging on to his notions of perfect love but those fibers of his being are being frayed. Gotta be scary for him.

    Hugs mama,
    G
    P.s. is there a way to email you to ask a question?

    1. I guess my comment might show I’m under the impression that some men aren’t horny and ready to fuck 24/7… If that is wrong please let me know.

      1. Well, it depends on whether you look at popular opinion or reality. My exhusband never wanted sex. I was the cliché, not him. The Neighbor has a high sex drive, but is prone to moodiness and thus not wanting sex. Go fucking figure.

    1. Goddamnit. This made me cry. I still can’t believe how similar our stories are. Yours is more, though: longer, deeper. TN doesn’t buy me gifts, we don’t travel together. That would wreck me for sure. No wait, he does buy me gifts. Or, he used to. Anyway, thank you once again for sharing all of this. Message has been received. xx Hy

  6. Beautifully adept, dear.

    I think it’s just his push or pull game. I’m not even sure if he’s consciously doing this, or if it’s just what makes him comfortable with dealing with (feelings for) you.

  7. If I have learned anything in my journey it is to not judge anybody. Even when I say TN is being a shit, I say so knowing that I don’t know the whole story. We are complicated, flawed, beautiful and fragile beings, us humans. I will think of you when I see the moon tonight and I will be hoping your heart is light, your mind is clear and you are finding what you need.

    1. True, you are sweet, and thank you. Yes, I can only write so much and paint only a part of the picture. I do my level best, but, you know. I’m a biased motherfucker in the end :) xx Hy

    1. The last paragraph had tears welling up in my eyes. Oh to clutch at the hope of love is just as powerful a feeling as the love itself. They both make us do crazy things. But guard your crazy, Hy, and never forget the priceless value of your bleeding heart…. You inspire me because your feelings are real and you are open to them even when you hardly understand them yourself.

  8. Dear Hopeless Romantic
    Its about 4am here with a beautiful, stary sky. The moon set about 9.25pm…sorry I missed you:-(
    I did wave to the Great Bear, just in case you had gone visiting.

    1. I was there :)

      A gf came over tonight and I resisted speaking of him all night since I know he can hear me on the balcony if he sneaks out.

      He popped out to say Hi, to ask to play on my team tomorrow again, then disappeared, said he was leaving to workout.

      Finally, feeling like I had freedom to be open, I told my friend in hushed tones a little of what’s happened, that I knew something had to happen. Then I discovered he never left.

      I’m worried now that he overheard, but then again, what does it matter? I’m still hopeful and my love isn’t a secret, after all…

      1. Fret not about being overheard!

        If TN has not understood your heart’s exact position after all this time and after Noodle’s Lecture to the Humanities, he is as dumb as a rock (or, as thick as two short planks, which some English prefer to say).

        Hearing you on the balcony will not be a big revelation. He either knows all or can never know.

  9. As we each wallow in the lows of our lives we lament the aloneness and singular uniqueness of our misery. We could never be so wrong. We all share similar stories just the characters have changed. I see parts of so many others stories in my life. The loneliness of my sweet cabbage, the selfdoubt of my dear friend.
    the most similar story is yours sweet Hy. You see babe I am Gingers TN.
    While our stories have similar characters we have found an honesty and openness than overcomes my ability to give her the commitment she needs and deserves.
    We share an openness that I doubt any reader here has ever known nor ever will. We talk about our dreams our sorrows and our feelings. Some times we cry other times a glance is euphoria. The one thing you have that we do not is expectations.

    It is not easy. It has caused many tears and pouty faces but worth ever moment. (Only she knows what her tears do to me)
    We both try to live each moment we share with the knowledge the life is ever changing. Everything about it lacks permanence.
    You have shared stories with us that are filled with the redhot heat of carnel lust,the spring innocence of whimsical love and depression as dark as the coal that fires hell. I have followed and comment from Troy to Maid Marions conquest of DN. All this time I have tried to express upon you one thing a hundred differnt ways. I do not know how to say it any other way. Reading Ella’s post only confirms what I have to say now.

    You have a wonderful relationship with a man who makes you happy. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow never comes, its always today. Live in that day. Drop your expectations at the curb like like week old trash. It is those expectations that are keeping you from your happiness

    With limitless thoughts of love and compassion, Cruel

    1. Cruel, I don’t think you’ve ever written anything so plainly. I’ve ways heard you, but today I finally understand you. However, I don’t entirely agree with you.

      On the one hand, yes, live in the now, heighten the pleasure; I get that. But on the other it feels as though I’m letting TN off the hook: he doesn’t have to do anything to have me in the future. I simply don’t know if I can keep on, feeling as I do, without some kind of reassurance. At least with you and Ginger there are discussions about this kind of head space and you work together.

      TN and I used to have those chats, but we don’t anymore. I want him to say, “I love you, Hy, I’m yours.” Nothing would have to change between us, my heart would truly be free then. It’s this constant, “You’re not what I want” bullshit out of his mouth that conflicts with every action he has that hurts so much and wears me down.

      I don’t see dropping my expectations at the curb as anything but doing him a favor and me a disservice.

      However, having said that, I think I’ve achieved as much “letting go” as I’m able. I cherish every moment we have together and lap it up greedily. But you’re right, I still hope and that’s exactly why I hurt. I really wish I didn’t.

      1. The purpose of my post was to say, have faith in what is YET to come. I disagree with Cruel. You don’t have a relationship with TN. Or, you have a relationship with him, he doesn’t have one with you.

        The balance is wrong. A true partnership is shared. I think I understand what Cruel is saying about commitment, but at the same time I think that pretending to be in a relationship with no commitment- and watching the other person cry because they need and deserve a commitment is, ironically, cruel.

        Having said that Cruel, at least you can say that you care about Ginger. TN can’t verbalize that with Hy. Instead, he spends a lot of time pointing out her imagined flaws and telling her about other girls he wants to be with. Do you tell ginger that she isn’t your ideal? That it’s just sex? That she’s too old? That you are activey looking for other women? I freakin hope not.

        Anyhooooo

        If TN was able to tell you that He cared, an official commitment wouldn’t be necessary, yet.

        But you know what you want in your life. You’ve said as much here in the blog. You want a partner, a commitment, someone solid to lean on that you can be there for too. TN is unwilling or unable to provide this.

        You aren’t being unreasonable. It’s not always rainbows with pots of gold at the end. Sometimes the pot is full of shit.

        Your aren’t getting what you want or need, and every day that you delay cutting him off and moving forward is a day that you could be healing and moving toward the life you want and deserve. It isn’t going to be any easier to dump him in November. No matter what, it’s always going to hurt.

        I say talk to him. Get a definitive answer. Accept whatever it is. And then move forward, one way or the other.

      2. Hy dear there is a simple truth you don’t see that TN can not put into words. He loves you. Yes its been a year of back and forth on and off not dating. Again and again he comes back only to step away again. Stop waiting for the words and look at his actions. It’s the expectations that make him pull back or he would be yours. Because believe me and I am not alone in this babe you are smoking hot. It’s not letting him off the hook its what fishermen call setting the hook. Remove your expectations and he will remove his hesitation. Stop playing with the bait and he will take the hook.
        It’s not a competition to see who gets what they want its sharing what time you have with the acceptance and openness to enjoy each moment as it is with out wishing for more. When you grasp at the future you are ignoring the moment and that moment is the only time that is real.

        If you don’t fish I can always use baseball to describe it :).

        Hugs babe Cruel

    2. “When someone has beliefs and statements that define them their very sense of self is dependent upon maintaining that set of beliefs. To challenge those beliefs is will be met with fierce resistance. Like washing stains from linen surrounding them with love and compassion will also wash away the stains of past actions and beliefs. ”

      I mostly agree with this. I believe in challenging beliefs and learning, continuing to grow as a person. But I also believe that there is right and wrong. What beliefs do you think that TN is challenging right now? Your belief system tells you that he doesn’t need to commit to her, and I can see that you will hold strong to that. Choosing not to commit doesn’t give him a free pass on showing consideration though. It is entirely possible to love somebody and treat them well without making a commitment. TN is CHOOSING not to go that route.

      There is no excuse for his behavior. Yes, love can take MANY forms… but in the end the one essential truth is that it has to be based on respect.

      His lack of respect comes through with his comments and constant games.

      Again, we all see this through our own lens. You find nothing out of the ordinary with TN’s behavior because you’ve already identified a bit of you in him. Seeing him another way would force you to challenge your own beliefs and actions.

  10. Cruel, enlighten me here. What do you see that is loving?

    Is it that he fucks and leaves, even though spending the night with someone that lives next door should be a non issue by now?

    Is it that he tells her she is too old?

    Is it that he tells her he doesn’t want to be with someone that has a child?

    Is it that he says he doesn’t want a smoker?

    Is it that he tells her he doesn’t have those feelings for her?

    Is it that he tells her that he is looking for a girlfriend that ISN’T her?

    The fact that he has sex with her actually says VERY little. It’s not a competition, and it’s sad that you think that emoting would be considered as such.

    He dribbles minimal pieces of affection her way- just enough to keep her available to his dick.

    He tells none of his friends about her. He wants her not to tell anybody about him. He’s told her multiple times that he doesn’t want her.

    I am perplexed that you see love there.

    I get why Hy sees it- she’s in the tornado and she wants to believe it’s there. But you? I don’t get you thinking that at all.

    She’s allowed to have expectations. He certainly does. Is the fact that she is a female what leads you to believe she doesn’t deserve to have expectations, much less voice them?

    What you are basically saying here is that he treats her like shit because of HER actions.

    I find that insulting.

    Looking at the future doesn’t mean you aren’t in the moment. It means you are enlightened enough to know that true fulfillment comes from choosing a path.

    1. Ella It is clear to me that you don’t understand what I am saying and I will attribute that to my inability to explain in a way you might understand.
      Ginger is younger than me by almost a decade so she is not to old.
      I have a weakness for skinny redheads she is not so she arranged a menage a trois with a redhead friend. It was wonderful …. For both of us. We are many things to each other lovers, confidant’s, D/s Teacher/student, friends it is open without judgement conditions or expectations we respect each other our shortcomings our limitations we both know we are not ideally matched. We talk about that and both hope the other finds the happiness that will complete them. When that happens our relationship will change.
      It is a relationship just one without judgement based on openness.
      When you start placing conditions on your requirements for happiness you limit yourself. Hy has stated TN’s ideals yet he keeps breaking his own rules why Is what I would ask. He keeps coming back yet pulls away when Hy trys to pull him in. His words don’t match his actions In the end it is Hys choice to make not mine or yours or TN’s. There is no ideal match for anyone just a limit to how much we are each willing to compromise to be happy. Looking for perfect will only lead to a cycle of suffering.

      I hope take this with the camaraderie and wish for happiness for Hy even if we don’t agree

      Cruel

      1. Cruel,
        I didn’t mean to imply that you think Ginger is too old. It is TN who tells our Hy that she is too old. You’re initial post implied that you had a relationship with Ginger that is deeper and more meaningful than anyone else reading would understand. I viewed that as you accepting TN’s behavior because it mimics your own, and for that, I apologize.

        I’m going to address a few of the things that you said here, just so you know where my head is at.

        You state that what you experience with Ginger is a “relationship just one without judgment based on openness.” If that is the relationship that the two of you have, that is wonderful.

        However, it is not the relationship that TN and our Hy have. Hy is open, TN is closed. I don’t think that the things that TN says to her are acceptable. They are damaging and painful, and for that, I view him as a heel. Hy is holding the hand that holds her down.

        “When you start placing conditions on your requirements for happiness you limit yourself.” This is half true, if the conditions or requirements are arbitrary or financially based. Hy has needs but not “requirements”. She accepts what little TN gives her, to her own detriment. She asks for little and receives even less in return.

        I believe that you truly limit yourself when you allow yourself to believe that there is a glass ceiling or a bubble surrounding you. You don’t limit yourself by trying to make what you desire come to fruition. Quite the opposite. I think that facing the fear and feeling strong enough to understand your needs and desires, combined with a plan of action, is the only way to evolve.

        “Hy has stated TN’s ideals, yet he keeps breaking his own rules, why is what I would ask. He keeps coming back yet pulls away when Hy tries to pull him in. His words don’t match his actions.”

        Correct. His words do not match his actions. But when you consider what his actions ARE, you can see why. She’s hot. She’s sexy. He’s single. She makes him cum. Of course he’s going to keep going back. To put it in the simplest terms: men are better able to divorce emotion from sexuality.

        “In the end it is Hys choice to make not mine or yours or TN’s”. Word. I agree with you wholeheartedly on this point. If IBF got a vote, TN would have been “off the island” quite some time ago.

        “There is no ideal match for anyone, just a limit to how much we are each willing to compromise to be happy. Looking for perfect will only lead to a cycle of suffering.”

        I think this is both true and false. Certainly looking for “perfection” is both foolish and wildly unrealistic. I do not believe that Hy is doing that. She accepts TN’s flaws. She makes excuses for him and chooses to see with her rose colored glasses instead of her brain. It isn’t Hy that is seeking “perfection”. That is what TN is doing.

        I’m a big believer in karma. I think that how TN is treating Hy will play itself out in his life for many years. His criteria for what is “acceptable” in a partner is so ridiculous as to be pathetic. He holds those ideals around him like a blanket, as he tells Hy that she isn’t perfect or ideal. That’s cruel. He’s treating a fellow human being like shit. It’s the portrait of Dorian Gray. Outside, his cock is young and vital. But inside, the kids a toxic fucking mess. You reap what you sow when you plant the seed.

        Within each and every one of us there is a capacity for joy and love that needs only to be tapped in to. For every yin, a yang. For every sunrise, a sunset. As someone who is spiritual as opposed to religious, I believe that there are kindred souls out there for each of us. It’s a matter of finding that person (or persons), be it a friend or a lover.

        In every relationship, there is some form of compromise. This can be very good or very bad. Good compromise leads you to change and growth, a new level of awareness of what’s around you and a broadening of horizons. The goal is always growth.

        Bad compromise leads you in to a cesspool of self-doubt and negativity. The goal in those situations becomes keeping the head above water. At that point you are learning nothing, other than (with any luck) how to keep from drowning. There is no growth in those types of situations, only the sheer monotony of treading water as you repeatedly do the same things and hope for a different outcome.

        I’m sure you can tell which kind of compromise I think Hy is doing right now.
        “I hope take this with the camaraderie and wish for happiness for Hy even if we don’t agree.”

        Of course! For every yin.. a yang. She gets both opinions, and then some. She can choose to use them, or not. Ultimately Hy’s future lies within her hands.

        1. Hy, I didn’t intend to use you blog for a discussion on metaphysics please accept my deepest regrets. I hope in the end that my concern and compassion for your pain is my foremost concern.

          Ella, I too am a big believer in karma. Karma is like gravity you don’t need to understand it or even believe in it to experience its effect.

          I believe we are all born with basic goodness. Everyone,Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dalmer even Mit Romney. Through out our life we are stained by actions and learn behaviours. We are molded by our environment until we accept the ideals of our culture without question or comprehension. Like everything else these behaviours are subject to change.

          When someone has beliefs and statements that define them their very sense of self is dependent upon maintaining that set of beliefs. To challenge those beliefs is will be met with fierce resistance. Like washing stains from linen surrounding them with love and compassion will also wash away the stains of past actions and beliefs.

          While we are speaking the same words we are not using the same language.

          Limitless thoughts of love and compassion

          Cruel

    2. Ella, this is a wonderful, clinical, and accurate analysis of Hy’s situation, IMHO.
      I just cannot think why one of us, having hung around here for a while, have not distilled this all together before.
      Welcome.

  11. I hope you haven’t dropped me as your IBF after one of my recent comments…my intentions, as I think we all feel, are always coming from a place of love. So….all I will offer right now are…..thoughts of peace and love for you. It’s all I got… my life is a bit of a roller coaster right now too and my sunshine bucket seems to be empty…..oxox

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