I tripped and fell on his cock and then he called me “Sunshine.”

Sunday morning I lay in a strange bed, sunlight streaming in around us. A man lay curled up behind me, his cock buried deep inside of me, my buttocks pushed softly into his thighs. Our breathing was soft and deep. I closed my eyes and he pulled me back into him with a heavy arm. I drifted off to sleep content and happy.

I awoke later and we were disengaged. I turned on my side and spooned him, his round bottom pulled into the cradle of my hips. He stirred and sleepily looked over his shoulder at me, “Good morning, sunshine,” he said as he rolled onto his back and pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

“Good morning, Neighbor,” I answered back.

::

Monday night my anger at my young lover had reached another breaking point. I couldn’t justify spending one more minute with a man who blithely joked about taking me for granted and who deliberately turned a blind eye to my boundaries. Stubborn as a mule, and as about as enlightened half the time, he could no longer get the pieces of me he wanted while I sat empty-handed, the girl at the coffee shop furtively glancing at the door waiting for her date to finally show up. I was going to leave the building again.

I had drinks with my friend Lindsey and came home determined to once again end this once and for all. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t even dreading it. I texted for him to come over and “be neighborly.” He said he wasn’t home, but would be soon. He came in and we sat down and I looked at him and said immediately, “I can’t do this anymore. We have to stop. Again. I can’t find love and someone who really cares about me so long as you’re in my bed and you can’t find whatever it is you’re looking for, either.”

He just looked at me, his light blue eyes glued to mine, an implacable look on his face. “I don’t want to fuck you anymore, either.”

My mouth drew into a hard line. “Gee, thanks for that,” but I understood that he was trying to get the upper hand. “But, really, we have to stop this. I cannot be with you when I get nothing out of this. The only reason I picked up with you again was because you weren’t looking for anyone else and we have an incredible time together, but it’s hard on me. You come and go as you please, as your moods and desires dictate. I have no say in any of it. I could justify it all because at least I got sex, but then you love to hold that at bay and torture me with it. The breaking point was when you said you took me for granted the other night. That hurt me so badly, TN. I can’t do it. I can’t be with a man who thinks so little of me that he’d laugh at me and say those things.”

His mouth dropped open a little. He didn’t impress me much the next few hours we talked. He said I should have asked for clarification regarding the “taking me for granted thing.” I said he needed to stop saying reckless, mean things if he didn’t want me to believe them.

“I only meant that sex is the least important part of our relationship. It’s the friendship I value the most! I told you in that moment I’d probably regret saying that…” His voice trailed off as I sat there thinking, “I bet he’s really regretting it now.”

I told him it was bullshit that he wasn’t capable of saying, “Jesus, Hy, I’m so sorry for saying that, for hurting you. I didn’t mean to.” He felt I was condescending to him and he tried to storm out. I had to master my face into a mask of calm lest I burst out laughing at his adolescent outburst.

“No, TN. You’re going to stay here,” I calmly stated as I stood in the foyer doorway, my hand on the jamb. “Go sit down and we’ll keep talking about this.”

He looked at me again as I pulled myself up to my full height. Somehow we were almost eye to eye. I walked over to the balcony door leaving the doorway free. “I’m really feeling the age gap right now,” I said. He walked back to the couch and sat down and waited for me to continue. “What are you going to lose in apologizing to me. You said yourself you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

He sighed and said he was sorry. “Thanks,” I said.

I cried when I relived those moments with 4 am girl and him and how he’d said Peyton was six strikes against me. The pain I feel in my chest at being discriminated against for things I can’t control feels like someone has tampered with my oxygen tank. I feel bleak and desperate, strangely lusting for revenge, but possessing of exactly zero weapons. I sobbed and he looked heartbroken.

“Can we still be friends?” he whispered.

“I don’t know, TN. I really don’t.”

“Then I guess I’ll leave.” It was too early and he was going off in another huff.

“Stop,” I said firmly. He turned and looked at me. “Stay. Sit.” He obediently came back and sat down.

Four hours after he came over I stood and told him it was time to say goodbye and to give me a farewell kiss. “Unless,” I added, “You don’t want to say goodbye and you want to be my boyfriend.” He stood a foot away and may have been touching my arms, I don’t know. I only remember him locking his gaze to mine and saying firmly, enunciating each syllable with precision, “No. That’s never going to happen.” He chastely kissed my jaw and said, “That’s all you’re getting.”

I wanted our lips to touch gently and firmly and to hug him goodbye. I wanted to send him off with a sweet kiss and a tender moment, but he is somewhere else.

I rolled my eyes and said, “Thanks, once again, for misunderstanding me.” I walked him to the door and he slipped next door. I hadn’t made any promises of friendship, nor had he pushed me for any. I went to bed feeling accomplished.

::

Friday rolled around and I nervously awaited my date dressed in my favorite yellow dress. His name was Law Student and he was tallish and beautiful with milky blue eyes and rusty golden curls. He wore black dress pants and an impeccably white button-down shirt that lit up our table like a diamond on black velvet. I made a joke about the medical tape on our table from taping my broken finger and he laughed, probably relieved at my comedic attempt.

I poured him a glass of red wine and we settled in, our banter as lively and intoxicating as it had been all week. I’d met him online and our virtual chemistry was instant. It was an enormous relief to discover in person it poured over us both like honey, sticking in all the right cracks.

We met early, at 5, so decided to grab dinner after we’d drained our bottle. We walked to his beaten up Toyota and chatted as he drove the couple of miles to the Mexican restaurant. His cologne filled my nostrils and I sighed with contentment, then I giggled as I remembered how I’d stupidly revealed I wasn’t wearing any panties. He asked me what was so funny. “Nothing.”

Dinner came and went with more laughter and a margarita. He left to use the restroom and in his absence I asked two girls at a neighboring table if I could bum a smoke. “Sure,” one said as she handed me one. “Are you on a first date?”

“Yes. How could you tell?”

“Oh, body language,” she said with a shrug. “He’s really cute!” she added. “Good job!”

I laughed and sat back down. LS returned to me and I could see him appraising me with pleasure. “So, it’s really early,” I pointed out. “Would you like to come back to my place and watch Bull Durham?”

“Sure,” was his immediate response.

He drove me back to my car and he followed me home. I was giddy with excitement, hoping beyond all hope that TN would run into this Adonis of a man trailing behind me with his suit jacket slung over his shoulder and smelling like tangy clovers. We made it into my apartment with no mishap and a bad quote from me from Pretty Woman and the penthouse.

“Wow,” he said turning around slowly taking in my apartment. “This place is really nice. Like, really, really nice.”

“Oh, well, thanks. Ignore the pile of laundry in the chair, though, ok?” We both laughed. “Do you want some wine? I only have a little.” He nodded and I poured us two glasses. I handed him one, still standing in the kitchen, when he stepped an inch closer and blocked my way. He looked down at me intently, his mouth parted. I tilted my head up and he grabbed my face and kissed me. Gently at first, then with fervor.

His control unraveled swiftly and his hands roamed all over my body, touching and squeezing my bottom and my breasts. In a deliberate attempt to remain chaste that night, I had left my pussy unshaved. It was clipped short, but there were hairs outside the bikini line and certainly in places I would normally attend to had I been planning on any intimate touching. But I should have known that it wouldn’t matter.

His hand hiked up dress and his fingers found me. I gasped into his mouth, embarrassed and turned on. His finger stroked me, hot and skilled. I gushed around his hand and his ardor increased tenfold. He tore my straps off my shoulders and feasted on my breasts silently. His breath came in heaving gulps.

I bucked against his hand as I released around him again. He pushed me roughly against the pantry door and pinned me like a butterfly to a foam board. I was breathing heavily, my breath quite literally stolen from me. His passionate kiss and touches rendered me speechless. I lifted my chin and looked at him. He kissed me again. I staggered away and grabbed a towel to wipe my ankles and thighs dry and sat down at the kitchen table.

“Jesus Christ,” I managed. “That was fucking hot. Also, I’m not fucking you tonight.”

“Good,” was his simple answer.

I sat there collecting myself and it dawned on me that I was the only one who’d been looking forward to the movie.

We sat down on the couch and talked some more. He kept our glasses full and I watched him walk away with a smile on my face. Not only was he gorgeous, but we had lists of things in common, hadn’t stopped talking or laughing once, and I hadn’t had such a good date in months. I was his first date ever from this website, however, and red flags sprouted like mushrooms all around us. I chose to ignore them and barrel on, however, when he asked me to share some of my bad date stories.

So I regaled him with the all the dates I’d had this year while dating TN. Most were chaste, some were R-rated, but I kept those discreet and not boastful. When I got to Kevin, I said, “Yeah, he was this young kid and he was on my roster for a while.” I froze and slapped my hand over my mouth. “Oh my God, I didn’t mean to say that! Not ‘roster’! That’s the old Hy! Not the new one!”

He laughed at me and his eyes twinkled mischievously. “Sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it!”

“Oh, well, I had another lover, too. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or anything –” and before I could say more his mouth was crushing mine again, his smile evident in his kiss.

He loomed over me and I fell back onto the cushions and once again my breasts spilled back out. He maneuvered me so my legs hung off the side and he hitched my knees up over his shoulders. My head spun, I pinched my eyes shut. Oh god oh god oh god. His mouth dove down on me and it was hot velvet. I moaned and pressed my hips into his face. His eyes were closed as he lavished my fuzzy pussy lips with his own clean-shaven face.

He reared back up over me and the passion on his face scorched me. I had to look away for a second to catch my breath. “I’m not going to fuck you,” I repeated for both our sakes.

“I know. I like that.” He came down on me again and the sweet taste of my own body filled my head.

I stood up, trembling. My dress was soaked. I left to change into my pajamas and when I came back he’d put his shoes on. “I better go. Thanks for tonight. We’ll see each other again soon.”

“Ok,” I said and walked him to the front door. He opened it wide and bent down and hauled me into his embrace. I wanted so badly for the genie to appear right then and read my mind and have TN see me cradled in this man’s arms, my breasts crushed against him, but, alas, the genie must have been napping.

::

After I broke things off with TN he, as he is wont to do, closed the gap.

He gave me a bottle of wine Tuesday night when I asked for one. He invited me over to watch the debate Wednesday night and when I arrived with the remnants of his wine and some popcorn my girlfriend had left behind Tuesday night he lit candles and incense and reclined on the couch in a familiar way, peppering our shouts at the TV with brushes on my knee and pats on my elbow. When he had to abruptly leave and run to his office he texted me an hour later apologizing and said how much fun he’d had hanging out with me. Thursday night we had our playoff game against his team. We clobbered them and 4 am girl hung back in the dugout and shied away from good sportsmanship entirely. He had strutted and preened in front of me, laughing and joking with me and my team. It was a little glorious, I won’t lie, and when I got home that night — after two more exhausting games — I asked him to come have a drink with me.

He abstained, but we talked some more about 4 am girl. He asked that I stop bringing her up, that it made him uncomfortable and he wished that it’d never happened. I agreed as much to say, “See? I can respect your wishes, so you can respect mine, too” (I had railed on him about his inappropriate comments about women Monday night and he had finally seemed to catch on).

He left later after lots of laughing and I felt mostly ambivalent. I was still chewing on this “friendship” thing. I wasn’t feeling that old draw, my ankles were firmly crossed. I had LS on the brain, and big time.

Friday morning driving to work I got a text. It was from TN. I opened it up and it was his giant, resplendent cock, inappropriately and gorgeously displayed for my eyes only. I ignored it and praised his fluffy comforter instead.

Saturday afternoon was beautiful here. The city thrummed with a cold front and the sky shimmered with promised winter. I read my book, took a shower, found a man to have a drink with me, but he’d basically disappeared. I had plans with Amy later that night and my friend Tina, but I was antsy and bored. I cleaned everything I could, but really wanted my floor vacuumed. I knocked next door.

“Hey,” he said standing in a workout shirt and shorts.

“Could you do me a favor? Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Will you vacuum for me?”

He disappeared back inside and came over a minute later. He cleaned my floors as I folded laundry. The fact that he was clothed a 2 ton elephant in the room. When he was finished I went out on a limb. “Do you want to go grab a drink?” I asked.

Again, “Sure.”

We headed downtown and the wind whipped around us as we parked beneath the skyscrapers. We were near my old downtown apartments and I took him on a quick tour. “I fucked in that hotel,” I said pointing to a tall building with flags cracking in the wind. “I also fucked in the fancy one we drove by.” I rather liked my “Hollywood Stars Homes Tour.”

I showed him my old bedroom windows and those of the Original Neighbor with whom I got entangled 15 long years ago. “Wow. The first Neighbor!” he laughed.

We headed to the bar and ordered margaritas and appetizers. I thanked him again for vacuuming and said at least he got to keep his clothes on. “That’s not really a good thing,” he retorted. I shook it off and left the bait on the hook.

As the night progressed and the liquor did its work he moved closer to me, his comments got more laden with innuendo. I didn’t get drunk, but he did. A rarity. We sat and talked with some chick for an hour and I propped my boots up on his chair. He ran his hands over the leather and kneaded my calves as he spoke. The girl regarded us with an open look. I ignored her.

I invited him to Amy’s house with me, but he begged off. We got in the car and we were nearly home with Tina called and wanted me to come and get her. TN had answered my phone and he agreed, so instead of turning left to get us home, I went straight and the night took a turn.

At the house party TN drank more and I saw him unravel and join the rest of the world by losing his iron-like grip on his control. One little thread at a time. He was all over me by now in an affectionate, protective way. We leaned in and whispered and made jokes and finally it was time to take Tina over to Amy’s. I was not taking TN home first. He was fully on this ride now.

Parked in my friend’s driveway waiting for her to put her son to sleep TN breathed with strain in the back seat. Tina lay half passed out in the passenger side. “I think I’m going to puke,” I heard him say. He jumped out and I ran around to help him.

“Hug a tree, honey. You’ll be fine.” I smiled as he dropped to all fours and retched. I patted his back and giggled. “Welcome to the world of losing control, TN! I’m so proud of you!” He laughed at my strange logic and I helped him to stand.

“Wow. I feel a lot better!” I helped him back in the car and we waited a few more minutes before Amy came bounding out to let us in.

We gathered firewood and got the heat going and pulled up chairs. Tina poured us all some wine. TN declined. Across the fire pit he sat with his ankle on his knee, my two girlfriends between us. The warm, yellow light licked at his face and I felt happier than I had in weeks.

We drifted off into the darkness and gathered more wood and I sat back down next to him. He pulled my chair closer and we put our heads together whispering and chatting, laughing at inside jokes. Tina and Amy gave us our privacy.

When the stars were their brightest I had to go lie down. I made sure TN was ok sleeping on the couch and I headed in to the spare room, but he followed behind and shut the door. He tossed me down on the bed and peeled off my clothes, unzipped my boots, and fell on top of me burying himself inside of me.

I moaned and thrust and writhed under him. He panted and kissed and pummeled me into the darkness. First the night and then to sleep.

::

“We’re not having sex any more, you know. Last night was an accident.” I was smiling as I said this tracing his bow shaped mouth with my finger tip. His hands were tracing lines on my arms as I touched his face.

“I know.”

“Good. We’re just a couple of rutting magnets, but we can do this. No. more. sex.”

“Yes. No more sex,” he repeated.

I drove Tina home and then the both of us. I started to whimper as I climbed the stairs in pain. “You can sleep in my bed for a little while if you want,” he offered.

I fell into a light sleep, woke up 20 minutes later and ran off to fulfill my Sunday responsibilities. “Can I come back over around 1 and nap?” I texted, desperate.

“Ok.”

At 1:15 I showed up looking like something the cat dragged in. I didn’t hurt anywhere except my back and I felt like weights swung from my eyelids. “Aw, Hycie. Come in!” he said with a smile when I knocked. He gently pushed on my shoulders and guided me to his bed. I climbed in and modestly removed my clothes while he lit candles and incense, grabbed me a sleep mask and brought me some water. I slept for two hours pain free.

Dressed again and headed back out to fulfill more Sunday responsibilities I quipped, “Well, thanks Lil’ Buddy. It’s been real,” and I disappeared into my own apartment.

::

I didn’t hear from Law Student at all until today. It was a pointless chat and we have not made plans to hang out again.

::

Every morning I wake up wishing someone could see this:

;

;

61 thoughts on “I tripped and fell on his cock and then he called me “Sunshine.”

        • As I told her last night… I suspected she was going to fuck him again when she told me about the cock text, but refused to call him on it.

          I was positive that she was going to when she wanted him to know she was going on a date.

          Sadly…. This is what/who Hy wants to do. I don’t see the romance in this. Particularly after his ridiculously cruel, “I don’t want to fuck you anymore either.”

          I told her to read over all of her TN posts and explore the pattern. At this point, it is what it is. She isn’t going to stop and neither is he.

          I’m off duty on this. She doesn’t see it, and we can’t make her. The stars in her eyes are the biggest I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something when you consider where I came from. For all of that, if “I take you for granted” didn’t make me haul ass, “i don’t want to fuck you anymore” would have. There’s being forgiving, and then there’s willingly being a victim.

          I care about Hy, but like most people who have friends in ridiculous relationships, I just have to let it go.

          • I was soooooo hoping LS would get a shot…esp since the date went so well

            ……(sigh). I kind of feel like an enabler so maybe I will stop posting comments on TN stuff and hope for the best.

            Hy….I told you many times you are like a younger version of me in many ways….I hope you don’t end up shattered. It’s not a judgment…really I swear….but you’re right…its your life. I hope you can live with your choices kiddo…..

  1. Damn.

    “The pain I feel in my chest at being discriminated against for things I can’t control feels like someone has tampered with my oxygen tank.”

    I know this feeling :[
    Ah deal breakers…gotta regulate.

  2. Well…. Sometimes there is a chemistry between two people that goes beyond logic. I believe we have all had a TN or Hy in our lives at one time. Painful, masochistic, heart retching, exciting and erotic all mixed into one fabulous cocktail that we become addicted to.

    Hang on Hy. You’re young enough to enjoy the ride and then someday catalog it away as memories that will continue to fill you with emotions on cold days.

    ~ Vista

    • Ha! “Young”! Thanks, Vista, that made my night πŸ™‚

      And yes, I think we all have one of these, though I’m biased into thinking the “Hy” character us also “the one who got away” in those distant memories.

      • LOL… Compared to me you are young! But I still find the young cubs flocking to my side. Mmmmm Thank god for the Cougar phase in our land. The young ones are thrilling but history reminds us…toys are only on loan. And can sometimes be hard to return. And yes, ‘Hy’ will bring warmth to many a man’s cold nights. πŸ™‚

  3. I won’t chastise ya because that never helps. Never let mistakes become habits. Good luck (I think you’re on the road to really getting over him) πŸ™‚

  4. I fucked around with my “the neighbor” for 4 years; we didn’t live next door to eachother, but I was damn sure shitting where I was eating–an acting partner, a class mate, a coworker… we were as entwined as we could be. I had a huge emotional thing for him, despite it starting out as just sex, and he told me all the ways he cared about me and how much I meant to him as a friend, every EVERY EVERRRRY time I tried to pull away. He gave me the “our friendship is what is most important” line all the goddamn time. Any time relationships or emotions got brought up, he’d shy away.

    We had the most amazing sex. Chemistry-wise, we were absolutely built for one another. He was younger than me too, only by about three years, but goddamn if it didn’t make a world of difference. Sometimes he’d slip and call me sweet pet names. I was his lover, his babe, his darling and his snorgenblargen (don’t ask about that one). We spent nights just cuddled up forever. We fucked like maniacs, anywhere and everywhere.

    We fought like maniacs too, toward the end. We ignored every person in our lives when they told us we were poison for one another. We ignored the vitriol and the bad feelings and fucked it out for FOUR years. He treated me like his… good time girl… his back burner girl… his fucking option… even as he railed against other men treating me the same way. He cared about me deeply, but he just couldn’t be with me. Just couldn’t, and never will happen… were always the excuses.

    It took three months of silence… and having him walk out near naked from my new roommate’s bedroom at 4 in the morning to make me realize what a shit he really was. He was like a fucking crystal meth addiction, and I couldn’t shake him for shit, until I woke up. You know? He and I haven’t talked in about two years… but it took until about 1 month ago for me to finally delete all of my old blog posts about him that I’d made private.

    I’m not preaching to you, Hyacinth, and I don’t think I really even want you to post this comment to your blog… I wrote this here because my email has been hinky. But I wrote this out to tell you that I know what you’re going through, and everyone can judge, but they’ll never know till they’ve lived it. Goddamn if I don’t want you free from TN, but you’re going to have to go at it, at your own pace. And I respect that. Just know that I’m here if you need anything.

    all my love.

  5. At least you’re not sitting and waiting for TN. but why did he feel he had to say this that you remembered so well?:
    ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
    I only remember him locking his gaze to mine and saying firmly, enunciating each syllable with precision, β€œNo. That’s never going to happen.” ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..You know what’s happening and you’ll have to pull away when you want to or when you have no other choice. There aren’t any hidden answers or questions there…. but don’t toss away the law student date. He seemed like he had possibility from how you got along before you even made it to your apt.

    • Oh, who knows, sweet Jayne? My guess is it’s his persistent belief I’m wrong for him. I have to do this “alone” meaning he won’t help.

      Ella’s story — and Fatal’s — are both examples of how their TNs would’ve kept going forever if they hadn’t pulled the plug.

      I just hope I don’t get crushed before I manage to walk away. Well, more crushed.

      • He’s your Next Door Neighbor – that alone will keep you two always together until maybe…some other guy comes along.. wink wink Hows that Law Student? I liked your diamond description of the guy. That and he was fine with you NOT fucking him. You should call him Diamond Guy. Anyway, keep holding your head and standards high. Jayne

          • I’d give it some more time – you don’t need to have him around SO soon. ; ) Wait, have you tried calling him and he didn’t return?

          • give him a wide berth – let him come to you – if he doesn’t, hunt him down and kill him. (that’s the saying)

          • hey, it’s only Tuesday. I’m getting the feeling you have as much patience with pleasure as I do – NONE! lol

          • What I’m saying is, that after a week of daily texts filled with witty banter and excitement, he ignored me half the day Saturday, was silent all day Sunday and has since only deigned to text me back, not initiate. Nor has he asked me out again. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that he’s not interested. And that’s fine. It’s done.

          • Damn! Maybe he was Cubic Zirconia. Drop off his earth then. Well, I love your spirit and sex drive but I’m not an intelligent, zestful fuck of a guy with a giant, fat, raging smile! ; ) …so I can’t help you there. You’re a special breed Hy, it won’t be easy to find a match.

  6. My sweet sweet Hy, oh my GOD I feel for you. I can’t have any bad words. I am totally the same. It’s so fucking hard to walk away.
    See, now I’m in a good place. Last time we saw each other we were able to resist, no flirting, no touching, nothing. It tore me in two instead of giving me a break. But with days going by it got easier.
    Yet I still have days when… and I might not bring myself to write about it on my blog… but if the fucker said that he loved me. That he wants to try. That ‘this is going to happen’. Who knows if I wouldn’t throw my whole life away for him on the tiniest hope against hope that we could make it, even if he’s as emotionally closed-off, unavailable, ruthless and abusive as TN.

    And I will agree with Fatal above. You will reach that place yourself.

  7. I’ve just started reading your blog and, while the voyuer in me loves the sexy bits, I feel for you and the torture TN is putting you through, but he is torturing you with your consent. It’s nice to see so many friends, who know much more about your life than I, giving you advice and support. I’ll just jump in and say that I wish I could see someone as beautiful as you each morning. The pictures are beautiful, as is your writing, and, of course, as are you.

  8. Pingback: I wonder if friends with benefits is even real. « A Dissolute Life Means…

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