I wonder if friends with benefits is even real.

The Neighbor and I slipped and tripped two Saturdays ago and found ourselves entwined in bed together come daylight. The frustration and continual embarrassment over not being able to control myself around him is a constant burden, a screeching, shitty little monkey on my back.

I try so hard to set boundaries and then he reels me in. I am caught up in the companionship because the bottom line is, I am motherfucking lonely. Capital L O N E L Y.

I’ve never been so lonely in my life. I ache for someone to care about me and have me in his thoughts; to do kind deeds for me and buy me little things when I need them; to play with me and to talk to me; to while away the hours at night or a lazy Sunday afternoon. TN fulfills many, if not most, of these basic needs for me.

He is braided into my life in all aspects: my home life, my friends, my sports, my health, my down-time, and even my entertainment. He needs me as much as I need him. Without me, he’d never leave the house and would be isolated in his little cave possibly never socializing outside of work for weeks at a time.

But, he doesn’t love me. That’s what’s missing and that’s what hurts the most. It’s the final piece to the puzzle which makes tossing the rest away seem so impossible. Would anyone throw away a 10,000 piece puzzle that’s missing a few craggy bits? I honestly don’t know. It seems I wouldn’t.

His friendship with me is based on mutual likes and beliefs and a genuine caring. When love is introduced, it goes to pot in 10 seconds flat. Every time.

We talked a few days after our Saturday slip up, it was Peyton’s birthday. I had spent the evening with my baby, a best friend and her child, my parents, and my ex. I wished that TN was there. He cares about Peyton and he’s a big part of my life, but it wouldn’t have fit. My parents would never understand why he was there and my ex would have likely launched forkfuls of food at him when he wasn’t looking.

I was desperately sad all day long; the anniversary of my child’s birth a wondrous thing, definitely, but also a stark reminder of how differently I felt just a few years ago. When I gave birth I was happily married, full of hope, starting a family. I imagined that this year I’d have two babies at my feet, a thriving marriage, and security and love. Instead, I have very little but the belief I did the right thing in leaving that relationship and a wonderful child.

I am alone, unloved, and pining.

I told TN earlier that day that I was sad and would be crying into my wine glass. I was cryptic because I hated myself for even bothering to reach out, but I wanted him to see how I was feeling. He reached back and was worried about me and when I came home from dinner he came over.

I told him how lonely I felt and how hard it is for me, how badly I want someone in my life for real. A man to wake up with me in the morning, to want to spend the entire weekend with me, to hold my fucking hand.

He was supportive and kind, mildly flirtatious. I was tearful and uninterested as he kept my glass full and I spilled my guts.

“Do you judge me?” I asked him. I felt embarrassed that at my age I haven’t figured it all out, yet.

“No. Not at all. You’re doing an amazing job. Look at how far you’ve come since you met me. It’s just that those doors are closed to us.”

I frowned, confused. “What are you talking about??”

“You know,” he said with a frown of his own. “I really don’t want to go over this again. There are just some things that we can’t change that will keep us from being together.”

It suddenly occurred to me that he had misunderstood me and thought I was asking him why he didn’t want to be with me. “Oh, are you talking about your Deal Breakers?”

“Yes. I really don’t want to talk about them right now.”

“The ‘You’re too old, etc’ ones?”

“Yes. Please. Don’t make me say all this again.”

“Ok, but that wasn’t what I meant at all. But, seriously, it’s the same ones? Nothing’s changed?”

“No.”

His answer significant because lately I’ve been wondering if there might not be something besides my age, my marital, and parental statuses standing between us because surely he can’t still be hanging onto those.

Maybe he thinks I’m an idiot or too out of shape or something other than those things, but no. Those are still the barriers keeping us from doing a real relationship, keeping me securely in a “friend” holding pattern with him.

And I still think they’re ridiculous. Fucking utterly stupid and regrettable.

The mood shifted then and we became more flirtatious. I felt buoyed by the reaffirmation that it really was him and not me. He touched me here and there and I grabbed his bat and fondled it suggestively. I stroked it with my hands and ran the handle along his erection. We kept up a steady stream of conversation.

“We are never going to be able to hang out and not have sex, you know,” I said.

“I know. Maybe we need to just think about this in a different way. So we don’t feel so stupid after shit happens.”

“Maybe.” I climbed up on his lap and straddled him, my belly warming as his hands massaged my breasts. He lifted my tank top and suckled on my nipples. First one, then the other. Our breathing grew labored and my head spun. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this.

I sat up and pulled my shirt down. “We shouldn’t do this right now,” he said. I agreed.

“We need to come up with some ground rules,” I suggested.

We talked about what each of us felt we needed. I needed respectful communication, he needed the right to back away. We tabled the conversation and never fully laid out the rules before it became too late and he needed to leave. We made plans to watch the debate on Thursday and to go shopping for patio furniture and watch Bull Durham Saturday.

Thursday rolled around and we flirted and lay together watching the politicians squawk. I had too much to drink and lost interest. He led me to his bed, laid a towel beneath my bottom and made me climax until I passed out. I awoke in his bed and we snuggled, my morning passes gently refused. I left and went home in a fog.

Saturday we went shopping and he was at once flirtatious, distant, and kind, as usual. He went to lunch with me and an old friend and drove me downtown and picked me up later when I needed a ride. I slept alone that night and happily.

Sunday, we saw Loopers and had lunch. I was becoming sadder by the minute. I need to set my boundaries, lest I wind up back at square one: yearning for sex, but a slave to his desires.

Today, Monday, I feel grey, blue, whatever. I’m tired of all of this, yet I have nothing to replace it with. I need another monkey bar in my grip before I let go of this one. I am afraid of free-falling and crashing on the rocks below, a broken doll with her heart missing.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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49 thoughts on “I wonder if friends with benefits is even real.
  1. I need another monkey bar in my grip before I let go of this one. I am afraid of free-falling and crashing on the rocks below, a broken doll with her heart missing.

    That says an awful lot right there.

    But, regardless of all that, I hope today ends up better for you. One day at a time right now, eh?

  2. You know that what you have with TN probably wouldn’t be the same the minute you add “relationship” or “marriage” to the equation? (This coming from someone that is bitter.) Why not just take what you have for now and enjoy life? Hugs, HY.

    1. I can only accommodate so much and I can’t stop my feelings from happening, unfortunately. I am trying to appreciate what I have.

  3. As usual my dear Hy, there is so much here. Your sadness touches me deeply. I mean … deeply. I hope you will suffer me my few comments.

    ” … Would anyone throw away a 10,000 piece puzzle that’s missing a few craggy bits? … ” You know damn well, it’s not the number of pieces, it’s how they are placed in the puzzle. Would you really want a puzzle of the Mona Lisa without her face?

    ” … But, he doesn’t love me… ” And he never will. I feel your ache, but it was ever thus.

    You WILL find him, whoever he is, or he will find you. Hyacinth is just too spectacular a jewel to remain unclaimed, uncared for, unloved. You will meet him and he will love you deeply, and you, him. Please, just be strong, and NEVER give up and compromise on what you and Peyton need.

    It will happen.

    Mike

  4. I have a suicidal type of a comment because the pain seems to continue and I understand your lonlieness, How about asking him a question that will slit your throat? Something he would answer, that at the same time would hurt very deeply. Sort of a Hari Kari Question. Let the knife do its job instead of the death of a thousand cuts you have been enduring. I’m not sure of the exact question to ask him but it would be in the realm of Why, when he knows you aren’t good enough for him to be in a relationship, knowing that you are wanting to love someone, knowing that every time you slip back and think it’s ok to casually have sex as you’ve done…Why does TN still sleep with you, knowing that you’re hurt every time at some point? ….sometimes you just have to endure – its an ugly truth…my .02

    1. I’ve thought of this, actually, but I’m afraid of doing it. I’m not sure what the cut would be. My looks? My intelligence?

      If I could get him to say he hates that I’m a mother or disliked my baby… maybe I could?? I dunno.

      He fervently avoids saying stupid hurtful things lately. No comments about other women; he refuses to even rehash our painful talks.

      I dunno, Jayne. I dunno. xx Hy

      1. I’m being purely cold and calculating here – it isn’t about YOU , the painful answer would be about the convenience of using you despite how you hurt at some later point in time… no? Perhaps he wouldn’t be so clearly demeaning and selfish but if he can tell you those other things (the strikes) then, what is left but the ease and availability of you being next door. It isn’t looks Hy – nor intelligence – you know that. Those reasons coming out of his mouth would be great. How easy it would be if he said he thought you were stupid and a horrible mother – you know those aren’t true. On the other hand, how devaststing it would be, and how hurtful if he said something like “Hy, I know how you feel and you know how I feel but you can’t even keep your word to yourself about not fucking me so why should I care more about you than you do yourself? (That would hurt like hell to me because it contains truth) or what if he said, Hy, I have kept every agreement you wanted me to keep – you keep coming after me and why should I turn down sex – being as great as ours is – but more so – you’re too convenient. Please realize, I have done, and still do the same damn thinking for myself and I for one would be doing exactly as you are. This is just the pointt where I would start this exact conversation if my pain was great enough and I couldn’t move beyond it. I would slash and burn before dying in the pain. That’s my fucked up way of thinking to save myself. ( Hi, my name is Feral Fawcett) I still can’t make a target of TN either. You have all the power to stop it. You just don’t want to. The answer is a layer or two under the “why” of why you don’t want to stop. Jayne.

  5. KlAbout two decades ago, a young woman asked me for relationship advice. She wanted to take a dating relationship and make it exclusive. I told her she needed to be up-front about her feelings with her guy or she’d lead herself onward to heartache. One short conversation later, she was free and _eager_ to date other people.

    What strikes me odd about your relationship with TN is that you’ve had that moment more than once but you’re still sating the guy. Thanks to your photographs, we know your physical condition isn’t the excuse, so I’m beginning to wonder if you’re just being lazy. There are plenty of other men out there, and certainly plenty with equivalent “flaws,” so why bother with this one?

    If, on the other hand, you’re intent on staying with this guy, albeit temporarily, perhaps you ought consider stating the conditions for the relationship. If you’ll accept no “love” – and I think that’s a stoopid excuse for screwing, anyway – then maybe you ought list what you must have and demonstrably show what you’ll compromise to get it. At least that way you’ll both have clear expectations.

    1. That is EXACTLY what we started to do last week. I want to lay out the conditions and operate within them.

      And for the record, I’m not “lazy,” I just live 5 feet away and fell in love with the wrong asshole. If we could get some distance, I’m convinced I’d move on, but he won’t let me go and I have proven sadly lacking to cut ties by myself.

      None of this is a shining moment for me. I assure you. I don’t know why anyone even keeps reading, honestly.

  6. Not sure why, of all the beautifully painful things you wrote here, I chose to comment on this one, but it’s one that’s been itching me the most…
    That he somehow loves and really cares about Peyton.
    I guess I try to imagine myself in your situation and I wouldn’t care as much about how I was treated or regarded, but I wouldn’t be okay with being with someone that’s not unconditionally loving of my kid. It’s clear that TN has put conditions, his interactions at a distance. And to me, that would be the cutoff point, in which I would choose to sever all ties.

      1. Which is part of my shame. TN treats Peyton well and is always kind, fun and playful. He is fond of P, no doubt, but he still considers me having a child a strike.

          1. That’s what I meant. My child’s existence is my world or at least a very large part of it. To love me is to love my child. I’m sorry, but I have a hard time understanding the heart of a man like that. But he has already admitted he doesn’t love you. Why should he love your child? Or at least not hold that child against you? Like I said, the outlook is unusually cruel, at least to me. If I love you, I love every part of you, including the little people or person you created and brought into this world.

          2. I agree wholeheartedly, but we started out as FWBs. It didn’t matter to me at the time that he didn’t want to date a mother. It had no bearing. Now, it does. It’s why we’re not “dating”.

  7. Just for reference, everything you write about this is interesting and you won’t bore me or cause me to move on. I’d love to know each little interaction you had with TN and how any new dates are coming along. My greedy interest in your life is too impolite to give voice to, so I stop myself from dozens and dozens of intrusive questions. It is frequently why I’ll be silent on a post of yours. I am also on the quiet side because I feel you are doing well.

    Hugs –

    1. Thanks, D, but you don’t have to worry about bring intrusive ever. I put it all out there; practically nothing is off limits.

      TN came by last night because I needed some help. When we were done he stayed for a while and we chatted. It was ok. I enjoyed his company and we talked about our families.

      When he stood to go it was about 3 seconds before I was going to tell him it was time to go.

      It was a positive interaction.

      1. Oh boy! *rubs hands together briskly* this will be fun! Mwahh ha ha!

        I predict an older and wiser Hyacinth seeing your above comment and cringing at the fateful words: “…practically nothing is off limits.”

        ;-)

  8. So maybe this whole mess with your neighbour has shown you the path to happiness: YOU DON’T NEED SOMEONE TO FUCK, YOU WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE – AND FUCK, OF COURSE!
    You’ll be okay, lady, you just need to tell your neighbour to BACK THE FUCK AWAY! This guy will always come sniffing around, that will NEVER change – why should it? He knows you’re an easy mark, so of course he’s going to keep coming back for sex.
    You deserve better.

  9. You may feel lonely – and I’m so sorry for that – but you will never be alone.

    I’m an avid reader, not actually a WP member or subscriber but I come to your blog everyday in hopes of an update. I often think about you in my daily life, and hope that you’re keeping strong and staying true to yourself. I find myself doing mundane activities and thinking “I wonder how Hy is going”.. But I digress.

    You’ll never be alone, and you’ll never be downtrodden as long as you’re true to yourself. No one can take that away from you.

    Your internet boyfriend will always be here for you. Chin up, beautiful. You deserve the world and one day you’ll get just that – whoever delivers it will be the luckiest person alive.

  10. You know I’m one of your biggest supporters and I care, right? As much as I love being part of the IBF, we aren’t going to be able to do anything but provide kind words, but that’s not going to help your situation. There’s only one way to come to closure on this – MOVE. I don’t give a shit if you have a lease or you’ll lose $, or you’ll have to uproot and find something else. It’s like an alcoholic living above a bar. He’s too convenient. And apparently, you’re too convenient for him. And I’m not talking in the same building or on the same street. Now, if you move half-hour away and het still pops in and vacuums and does other shit, then that’s a good problem to have. Hugs

    1. You’re not incorrect, however, my financial situation bars me moving. Not only that, but this is the only home Peyton has known since I left my ex. I also live convenient distances from him and my parents. Moving 30 mins away would destroy that. And, ultimately, my broken heart isn’t good enough reason to change all that.

      My finances will improve (hopefully) an TN’s lease will end and he’ll move (hopefully). Until then, I will have to learn this lesson of proximity and boundaries this way, I guess.

      And yes, I know you care, and thank you. Your words are thoughtful and much appreciated.

      1. Sorry – I try to read all the comments before repeating something someone else said, I was just in a hurry. Peyton is your first priority and I totally understand that as well as the financial thing.

  11. It sucks he can’t let go of those “deal breakers” especially when it’s obvious that he cares about you and your son. This sounds like the time to really set those boundaries. I was reading your title, and I said to myself “nope”. It’s not. The two people either wind up being together, or one gets hurt. I’d rather the latter situation not happen for you.

    1. It’s true. Downstairs Neighbor told me again last night how he thinks TN is in love with, but a complete idiot.

      And you’re right about the outcome. Unless, I’ve been thinking, you put a hardcore time limit on it. I have no clue how one would do that, though.

  12. So much has already been said. I’ll keep my comment narrowed down to the fact that I think you are on the right path, rocky but going in the right direction. I wish I could be more helpful. You are never alone…we all love you.

    Je t’embrasse,
    Dawn

  13. Since I’ve been reading this saga, I’ve always wanted there to be a way that things with TN could work out. I know, I’m in the minority here. Having said that though, and fully understanding that it is easier said than done, why not move? Why not simply make it harder for it to continue by moving across town or at least to a new apartment?

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