My libido is holding its breath.

I went to bed last night after having brought myself to two swift and powerful orgasms.  I panted and moaned under my breath and released with a quiet whimper throwing my head back into my pillow.  I imagined him over me, his huge cock plundering my insides, watching me with that satisfied smirk that he likes to wear as he sees me lose my grip on myself.

But when I opened my eyes I saw only my whirling ceiling fan, dark and dizzying above me.

He is gone.  I know it in my soul.

He stopped by yesterday and before I could keep my little one from reaching the front door it was already swung open.  My baby asked The Neighbor if he’d like to come in.  I said, “No, honey, TN is busy.”

“Then can he come over later to play??”

TN and I looked at each other over my child’s head.  I was apologetic.  So was he.  “No, Peyton, I can’t,” he said.

“Well, ok!  Just lemme know when you can!” and with that Peyton ran back inside to watch TV.

“You’ve just been asked out on a date,” I said to him with sadness in my voice.

“Yeah… and I just said, ‘No.’  I’m such an asshole,” he said with a grimace.

I stood there looking at the man I wanted so badly to feel something for me who resolutely refuses to do so.

“So, I saw our sick neighbor today,”  he continued.  I looked at him inquisitively.  “She was trying to cross four lanes of traffic off of the sidewalks.”  I wasn’t sure why he was telling me this, but I stood there with him in the doorway curious nonetheless.

“Also, I need you to help me with a mission later.”  There it was.

“What is it?” I asked.  My heart stirred, my gut clenched.  This was the starving person at a soup kitchen about to take whatever she could get.

“I’ll tell you later,” he said slyly.

“No, tell me now,” I insisted.

“I want you to help me pick out patio furniture, like, if you have an hour or so sometime this week we can go to the store.”

This would have been terrific fun for me a month ago, a ripe, juicy peach running down my chin and throat after running across the meadow with friends, but in that moment it felt like a rice cake stuck in my craw.  An entire week of my life had been spent being distant from him and he was impervious to and completely ignorant of it.  He thinks I’m still at his beck and call; nothing is awry in Neighborland.

“Why do you need patio furniture now?” I wondered aloud.  He’s lived there for 3+ years without.

“For when I have someone over who smokes,” he replied matter of factly.

I felt the wind being slowly squeezed out of my body, a limp balloon.  In the year I’ve known him he’s had three people over: me, Vanilla Ice, and 4 am girlHe’s planning on feathering his nest for another woman, was my first and immediate thought.

“Who are you going to be having over who smokes?” I boldly asked.

Silence hung in the air as I could see his wheels spinning, searching for an answer.  Finally he said, “Do I need to hold up a mirror, Hy?  You smoke.”

I didn’t believe him for a second.  Not even a millisecond.  He wants me to help him make his place more welcoming and comfortable for the other women he plans on bringing home.  Not me.  Give me a motherfucking break, dude.  Really??  You want to get patio furniture for the woman you insist you don’t love?  The woman whom you spend time with only when you need something from her?

And then I asked him about the mat.  “What the fuck did you do to it??  Did you kick it?”

“Don’t worry about it,” was his reply as he righted it, the “Welcome” still backwards.  “Now, don’t think anything about this, ok??”

“Yeah, don’t worry.  Thanks,” was my dry response.

“So, will you help me with the furniture?” he followed up with a smile.

“Um, maybe.  We’ll see.”

“It’ll only take an hour or so.”  (It so wouldn’t, by the way.)

“Yeah, maybe,” was all I could muster.  I couldn’t look at him three feet away and give all my cards away.  This is a poker game of high stakes for me.  I either blow it by going all in now, or I play conservatively and slowly earn a pile of money.  I’m going the route of the latter.  I want this to happen to him over the course of weeks, like it did with my best friend.  Politely distant, I reminded myself.

He knows Peyton goes to my ex today.  This is where the real work starts.  I am horny and lonely, my soul is sore.  I will be vulnerable, but I need to remind myself that change is uncomfortable by its very nature.  I can’t expect something better if I stay where it’s comfortably painful.

I have to dig deep and live in memory.  Memories of the good times, like when he called me “baby” and kissed me tenderly and tucked me in, when he told me I was the best lover of his life or when he said I was his best friend.  Those memories will assuage my loneliness as I touch myself and writhe with desire alone, or maybe, with another man.  The memories of the bad times — when he told me my very life history is a liability and all the times he disrespected me and held me at bay — will keep me focused as I step further and further away.

I am not a pathetic woman and I refuse to behave like one.

My libido is treading water right now.  A constant companion in my life I’m trying to figure out where to put it.  How do I handle this separation and loss this time around?  Last time, as this blog is testament to, I hunted and prowled and got drilled by as many cocks as I could manage.  But am I still that person?  Am I truly dissolute anymore??

I sometimes feel that raging confusion of lust and pain mingled together where it feels like only a man can stem the bleeding, but my relationship with TN thus far has kept me from that avenue.  What would he think of me if he found out I was racking up notches on my poor, disapproving bedpost?  But now, I no longer care what he thinks of me and the gate has been thrown open.

This morning I woke up and ran my fingertips over my body, once again mourning the loss of my love and the opportunity to share myself with him.  My swells and dips lightly toasted marshmallow, warm and sweet, inviting.  There for the taking, yet refused again and again.  How can he not want me??

I’m thinking about it, my need.  It’s lurking.  A slumbering dragon.  For now Mother Nature has bought me another week of solitary contemplation, but next Monday I will be set loose.  Who will get to see my breasts, taste my skin, feel my  heat and hear my moans??

It can’t be TN.

For your eyes only, IBF.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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34 thoughts on “My libido is holding its breath.
  1. You break my heart with such beautifully written pain. Anyone who’s been involved with someone at work, the building, the same school, class, church, or running club knows what you are going through and we are all rooting for you to hold strong and to earn your freedom.

    “How can he not want you?” Because he does not know within himself what he wants, and until he knows that, he can only take, take, take, so you do not, can not, want him until he comes to you with a fuller understanding. Be strong.

    (The picture is beautiful.)

    1. I don’t mean to break hearts, but I’m glad I’m not alone. I mean, of course I knew that. It’s just good to be reminded.

      Thanks for your kind words. I’ll keep them close. xx Hy

  2. Being mentally prepared is a big part of the battle. Keep the walls up and (wo)man the battlements. YOU CAN DO IT. This is going to be the hardest part for you, so if you can get through it (and you can!) it will only get easier.

    Oh … and my God … you are beautiful!

    Mike

  3. Oh Hy. You are so right. Change is hard and scary and frustrating. Easier to just get pulled back into the status quo. But when the status quo is so painful you have to do something. Good luck. *hug*

  4. I love how nature steps in and forces you to take a break as your body cleanses itself (well it doesn’t force it, perhaps suggests is better).

    You are strong, your thinking is clear, you know its going to be hard and you are ready to face it. I feel lucky to witness the butterfly emerge again.

  5. Big squeezing hug to you. I understand how hard this is and the pain makes it perfectly clear why it’s so easy to slip back into the same old ways again. I hope your law student is a blast! Good for you for going out and trying something! You’re my hero, Jayne

  6. SO are you Hy. It’s actually very sweet to see you glimpse your own “value” as a progression of your own story. It’s sad because you don’t get the man but it’s better in a different way. It’s an age old issue with your modern twisting lovely life. I love you too.

  7. Don’t think about him when you’re masturbating or cumming. Even if you can’t not think of his cock just yet, at least imagine someone elses face and body.

    And don’t you dare help him feather his nest for the next girl. Fuck him!

  8. I love your writing. I am a new reader and admittedly don’t know the whole story (I have not had the chance to go back and read about your entire relationship) and I want you to be happy and not in a situation where you are not treated in the manner which you deserve. However, as a new reader, I read both the comment that he took you for granted and more importantly this post as a sign that he was trying. Now I will be the first to admit that he is relationship retarded but I read the “I take you for granted” statement not as a factual recitation but a declaration of regret. I also think the patio furniture might have been him reaching out to you in the only way he could.

    Again I’m new here and not trying to stir the pot. I just didn’t see the slap in the face you did. I was young and relationship phobic once and this reads exactly like what I would do and say to women I actually liked. Something to consider that hopefully does not get me banned because I again I love your writing.

    P.S. You are an amazingly attractive woman. That does not figure in to my opinion but you were nice enough to post a photo so I wanted to say it was very nice.

    1. Don’t ever be shy about sharing your opinion. There’s a large anti-TN group here, but there are some supporters, too. I like to hear all sides.

      I’m just going to be politely distant and keep it at that for now :)

      And thank you very much for your compliment!! Welcome, Dominant Hand :)

  9. I know that insatiable feeling of lust and desire and the void that aches to be filled. Before I had Derek I used to fill that void with alcohol, so I’m a terrible example of how to deal with it. We are all here for you to lean on, that much I know for certain.

  10. Anyone who can conceive such beautiful prose is wise enough to know when to quit. Deep in your heart of hearts, you know this guy is a player – he’s playing you now – and until he changes (if he ever does) there is no future there.
    Sooner or later you’ll find a suitable companion. Until then, satisfy your libido any way you have to! Maybe you and Noodle can get together again; I’m sure she could lift your spirits…

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