I don’t believe in forever.

Early morning ride to the airport after our fuckfest.

San Francisco will always have my heart.  It alights my senses: the sounds of the MUNI trains clacking down city streets, the smell of eucalyptus, the feel of tender fog tendrils crawling along my skin, the taste of chewy sourdough and rich black coffee, and the sight of rolling, bucking hills mastered by civil engineering and brute ingenuity.  It’s a masterful city and one I haunted as a teenager, but it also reminds me of who I used to be.

I used to be a lost girl in search of her tribe; a group of people who would accept her for who she was, who would play with her, celebrate life, their bodies, their minds, and each other.  When I was that girl I drowned in pain.  I tried so hard to make my life fit here, but it proved impossible.  So I left.  And found my tribe many miles away in a foreign world filled with a different kind of folk.  My folk.

As that young, lost woman I bought the line that forever existed in many different forms, though my life proved differently at every opportunity.  I’m not sure if it was just denial or my clinging hope that pushed me through the pinhole of forever-thinking, but regardless, there I was.  Always searching the face of the boy I had just slept with for the “Hy, you’re The One.  I couldn’t help but realize your awesomeness during that drunken fuck we just shared,” or the friend’s face for her deep and abiding sense of love and reciprocation for me after I had just emptied my bank account to take us out.  I thought everything was supposed to last forever because I was a good person.

What a goddamned fool I was.  Nothing ever lasted forever.  Ever.  My parents’ marriage ended, people died, moved away, grew apart, whatever.  Life happened and life is not forever by its very meaning.  Forever is a security blanket, not a reality.  It’s a foolish relief.  It’s not fucking real, y’all.

When I got married, I forgot about this — conveniently, obviously — but my ex-husband, bless his heart, was a big believer and I thought if this genius of a man could believe in a forever-us, then I surely could, too.  It still hurts to think of how colossally right I was — or maybe I was wrong — about forever.  I stood in front of my very closest 75 friends and family and pledged myself to this man, our love and to that relationship forever.

And then I called every single one of them to tell them I was wrong.

I want to remember that feeling of failure and fallacy as I move forward with my life.  Love is not forever.  Nothing is.  No feeling, no mood, no situation.  Nothing.  It is ever-changing.  It’s what makes life so goddamned beautiful and breath-taking.  Give it a minute and something will happen.  Life is bigger than me or you.  It is everything.

My relationship with The Neighbor may not make sense on a long-term plan, but I don’t believe I would be any more guaranteed if I were in a committed relationship.  TN and I have been doing what we do for nearly a year now and I have never had a relationship this long, this close, and this passionate.  Ever.

We fight, we make love, we grow together, we back away, we do it all again.  The fact that I still have interest in this person after 12 months of intensity elevates this to a different animal for me.  “It could end tomorrow” is more real than if he and I promised it wouldn’t, but I don’t believe in promises, remember?  They’re not fucking real.  I’d only be fooling myself.

My heart would soar if he ever said, “Hy, I love you,” and I would feel that completeness that spoken love brings to my ears, but then I would wonder when it was going to end.  Can I really see myself being with this young man long-term?  My heart gets squirrelly when I imagine TN and I as a “couple.”

Yes, when he opens his arms to me and speaks in future tense I balk and question the path.

What’s the fucking point?  In seven years we’d likely grow apart anyway like everyone does, it’s my own personal theory.  Think about it: seven years all melted down to daily exposure and a body will likely fritz out at the seven year mark.

Since our time away he has gone above and beyond my wildest hopes.  Texts, phone calls, cock shots, sexy videos, words of encouragement.  I don’t know who he is anymore and I find myself blooming with romantic feelings then slicing them off my heart as quickly as they sprout.  I cannot afford to go down this route again.  Not with him, and most surprisingly I now realize, perhaps with not with anyone.

I appreciate his attention and his affection, but in the greater scheme of things, they will fade over time just as my feelings for him will.  It’s the cycle of love and life and living.  Everything ends.

I am glad that I have found my tribe in my new city and I’m glad that I know the love of a child as a mother — I’ll grant that is the one true and undying love in this world — the sad, lost girl is a thing of the past.  I’m done angling for a “future” with TN.  I’m going to live each day as if it’s my last, each week as if it’s a luscious last meal.  I’m not going to hide anymore.  I’m going to open up and be more me because I have nothing to lose.  It’s already all been lost.

Jasper Johns would likely not have approved of my little display at the SF MOMA.  I know the docent didn’t.

TN loves me now.  I know it and one day he will, too.  He’ll think back on how much he missed me when he was away, how much more he missed me when I was gone.  He’ll remember how he used the key under my mat and strode across my empty apartment to my dresser, opened my panty drawer, and picked out the prettiest pair he could find.  Then he’ll remember how he put them on under his shorts and texted me a photo with the words, “Getting ready for softball.”  He’ll remember the phone calls he made, the glorious video of his hand a blur on his cock, milking it for me and gently replacing it under the mesh of my black lace.  He’ll remember all the covert pics I sent him as I meandered through San Francisco and his ardent replies of encouragement and glee.  He’ll remember what we had with a sad longing because it will be lost by then.

I have given up on forever, but not on love.  The two are mutually exclusive.   Forever fucked me a long time ago and I just want to get fucked today.  And loved.  That’s what’s real and worth shooting for.  And that’s what’s gonna happen.  Watch me.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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49 thoughts on “I don’t believe in forever.
  1. Hmmm … I can see the time in the air was spent in reflection. Serious reflection. It all sounds good in theory … you definitely have your head on right girl. Just don’t let your dissolute heart falter now. As long as you hurt no one else, today is all there is. I’m good with that. But you’ve got it right too, Babe … you are preparing for tomorrow. It will happen, I can feel it now.
    xo

    Mike

    1. I’m still in the air and haven’t returned home yet. There’s a wealthy Greek man who is pursuing me, a sexy Brit, and others as always, only now I’m ready to play for real. I may become a philanderer; have my cake and eat it too, go dissolute all the way, just not in my apartment. It excites me to think of it.

      Still proud of me??

      Also, what do you feel? What’s going to happen? xx Hy

      1. I love it ” .. and others as always … “. As always ;-) Yes I am proud of you. You want to play for real? Wonderful. That’s a changed mindset. What do I feel? … like your seasons post … it’s time to change … you are now ready (which is a change in itself) … and when you ARE ready, change will happen. That’s what I feel … change is coming.

  2. Just keep thinking and feeling, Hy. Some of this is bittersweet, and I’m pretty much convinced it’s impossible to really understand this stuff — personally I find that I just write and write and write about it til I can put it down for a while; but it never truly makes sense, and maybe it’s not supposed to; it is what it is, and thinking doesn’t make it different. Just keep going, take care of your daughter, and aside from that keep doing what you feel is right. (Blah blah blah, but I mean well. I hope for all the best, happiest things for you.)

    1. I thought of you as I was writing this, actually, Theo. That even as a truly grown up adult you still wrestle with these very feelings. It made me feel more connected than ever. I wish for the best for you, too. xx Hy

  3. This post made me sad. But then again I’m having a sad day. You are of course right, nothing is forever. But. If we can find that love who will grow with us, accept us for who we are, who will celebrate the changeable nature of reality, who will go to the dark places with us, who will hold us when the dark is too much to take and love us back into the light. That person is as good as forever in my book, even if it doesn’t last that long.

  4. My dear friend. I’ve been walking in the nothing-is-forever sand for a while. And once you get accustomed to the grittiness, it feels pretty good. What stood out to me is the tragedy of how many times you put yourself out there to be loved… loving others… and then were taken for granted and cast aside. Not just by men. But potential women friends too. We must live in a world of the mostly-blind. Have to for them not so see you for the treasure you are.

    1. Thank you, Marian. Believe it or not, reading this comment reminds me of a dream I had a few months ago (where I dreamt reading this — no joke). You’ve just fulfilled some cosmic link by being you. Thank you. And it goes without saying, but I love you. :) Re: what you said, yes, it’s just gonna take a little getting used to. xx Hy

  5. Hy,

    I’m a long time reader, first time writer. So, there’s a couple of things you wrote here that seem contradictory to me.

    You wrote “…I find myself blooming with romantic feelings then slicing them off my heart as quickly as they sprout.” Then, a few paragraphs later you write ” I’m going to live each day as if it’s my last, each week as if it’s a luscious last meal. I’m not going to hide anymore. I’m going to open up and be more me because I have nothing to lose.”

    You’re going to open up and be more of yourself by slicing the blooming romantic feelings from your heart? How does suppressing your feelings make you more yourself? I think I have a handle on how TN isn’t ready for commitment. I understand that the romantic feelings aren’t going to last forever, or even 7 years. But those feelings are part of what makes us human. And so are the feelings of pain, hurt and lose when the romantic feelings end. To open up and be more yourself, doesn’t that mean accepting and experiencing the emotions you have, even with the knowledge that they’ll pass?

    Eric

    1. Yes, all true, Eric. My feelings bloom and then I shit them down so as to stay here and not there.

      So nice to meet you!!

      And I never claimed to make sense. I’m just thankful people stick around to read :). xx Hy

      1. Hy,

        Yup, that’s right. I’m here for your writing. Those pics have nothing to do with it. Nope. Nothin’ at all. No way, no how.

        Eric

  6. I will hope for forever for you because right now, because of all the shit that has let you down, you cannot. There’s nothing wrong with living every day and not putting too much pressure on tomorrow, but allow it to unfold on its own. Embrace where you are now and before you know it, you’ll have given yourself the best gift of all….your own forever.

  7. Life is short. People change (Dr.House is wrong…). So I have to concur with you thst nothing is forever. And “carpe diem” is just about making our time on Earth enjoyable. There’s nothing bad in that.

    1. Peyton’s world is filled with love and friends. I’m not looking for a “daddy” (thank fucking god), so TN’s future in my life feels less relevant in that respect.

  8. Hy, this is really profound. And I think there is so much truth in what you are saying. I think what I’m not doing, is being so hung up on forever that it paralyses me. That’s what happened to me before I got married (I was freaked out, not by the idea, but whether I can do it), then some time ago again (being together 7 years, eh?) but I suppose just going on with your life and *working* on your relationship can change things too. Not being idealistic, but being – actually – realistic.

    1. I think what True said can be a parallel reality (working and growing together over time), but I’m not going to lead with that. I think that it is so rare as to be almost impossible to expect. If I shrink my expectations down to a solid seven years or less (approximately) then I don’t have to struggle to maintain the impossible anymore.

      I am thrilled for those who find this magic, but honestly, of the hundreds of people I know less than 5 seem to have it. And for those hundreds, forever makes them miserable.

      I wish we celebrated less-than-forever more often. I think my ex and I should be patted on the back for ending it rather than my BFF being applauded for staying in a miserably shitty relationship for 15 years. Walking away takes just as much strength.

      1. I agree; when it’s done, it’s done. But I realise a lot of problems with my relationship now is that I dropped the ball on a few occasions, instead of recognising that it’s an adults’ game and requires commitment and involvement. It’s so up to every individual situation… and no one can say one solution fits all. kisses and hugs my sweetness xx

        1. Oh, absolutely! I’m a big believer in earning a divorce if you’re married. Giving up isn’t what I meant by any of that mumbo jumbo before, just that not getting forever is ok, too. But you’re not there yet and maybe never will be. Meaning, maybe you and Ben will rally and be one of those lucky few who end up with the magical forever. Who knows?? :)

  9. I don’t really know what to say, having missed so much of the backstory in the last few months. But beautifully expressed, as always. You’ve got a gift other than the ones you write about and take pictures of.

  10. “I think we should celebrate the less than forever more often….” that’s it dear girl. I, like Marian, have been walking in the nothing lasts forever sands since my 2nd divorce. I have grappled with being in a serious, committed relationship, and just going with what makes me feel good. Then comes the guilt of a hedonistic lifestyle being lived by a former Catholic. I finally arrived at…if I’m not hurting anyone there is love for everyone and so be it. There are no illusions, no promises and no constraints. It can be hard, but if you learn to relish the joy of each moment and the love of being a mother…it all seems to come together as it should.

    I’m not closed off to love, but I’m not sure me and one man and forever are intended to be together again either. Giving up the worry about it helps. Good luck sweetie!

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