I love to suck cock.

My hand fills with his thick, hot heat, my mouth, too. His trust given to me in unspoken acquiescence, his complicity a stiff roll of meat between my lips, bathed in my saliva.

Sweet tasting, soapy-clean, dusted with musk, capped with a salty amuse bouche all for my cocksucking pleasure.

I love The Neighbor’s cock. He loves my mouth. This was just the beginning of a delightful afternoon riddled with banter, fucking, 007, blistering spank marks and streaky back-long scratches, and deep, quivering climaxes on a strange bed.

I continue to struggle with the direction of this. As we’ve grown closer yet again, I feel another break is imminent. I constantly wonder whether the destination is important to me or really if it’s just the journey as I continue to claim — forever can go fuck itself.

Downstairs Neighbor now theorizes that TN is drawn to me, my boisterous, chaotic orchestra, like a moth to a flame. “It isn’t love,” he says, “it’s fascination with your life and energy, Hy.”

TN attaches himself to me in every way he can: his cock inside my body, his presence in my circle of friends, my holidays, my fun, my quiet and down times. He reaches for me when he needs a cuddle and even occasionally offers me one when I’m parched for a kind touch and some companionship.

I am trapped in the painful purgatory of rejection, that dismissal of me I sadly equate with love. This understanding of my own embarrassing shortcoming heightens my shame.

Tick fucking tock.

As the year pounds closer to an end, my heart wonders if it can break a 37-year pattern of yearning for rejection because it feels like love.

I want another pretty cock jammed deep inside my pussy. I’m pissed and hurt at the one I love who refuses me commitment based on my age, marital status and my child. What do I have to lose? I’ve already lost it multiple times in hot streams of tears and a sobbing heart.

Fuck him and that gorgeous cock he taunts me with. I’m ruining myself for anyone else, but feel like a bug under a glass: captured and helpless. I must reclaim my position, expunge myself of the anger, accept this ride for what it is and reach for the next rung.

It seems fitting that Troy has weaseled his way back onto my radar. It’s the cherry on top of the self-loathing-and-utterly-confused sundae I’ve been nibbling on for weeks.

Love was never promised to me to be gentle. I don’t know why I continue to be so surprised.

(Holy shit.  I’m going to reach 200k hits today…)

61 thoughts on “I love to suck cock.

  1. So beautiful, Hy; no matter the angle or the prop.

    Whether it was promised to be gentle or not, when it comes down to it, we want love to treat us with kid gloves, and it never does. Keep moving forward, darling.

    Hope your holiday was well besides all the muck.

    xoxo

  2. Oh sweetheart… I empathise with your frustration. I wish he could understand how amazing you are, but he just leaves me helpless and angry – which doesn’t even compare to what you must feel. But he does give you something at this stage of your life, and it is just a (important) part of the web of your history for days to come, right?

    The photo is stunning. Composition, colours, the way your mouth just perfectly fits… absolutely beautiful. Are those real eyelashes?

    • I agree, India, that he is giving me something right now. I have to focus on that, lest I become delirious again.

      And thank you 🙂 Yes, those are my real eyelashes. I’m lucky in that regard for sure! xx Hy

  3. You certainly know how to grab attention with a title and photo, and then follow up with your language and emotions. Relationships certainly can be a rough ride (in many ways), and I hope you find happiness beyond that “painful purgatory of rejection.” You do certainly have a passionate life and energy.

  4. When first thing this morning I saw you had a new post, I knew what I would write, even before reading. Here it is … Hy you are imprisoned in a never ending eddy that swirls you round and round. Sometimes you try to break free from the TN trap, but inevitably you’re drawn back in. The sex is hugely important I know, but it is still only a small part of the totality that is Hy. Babe, your heart is a deep, deep cavern filled with so much love to give and share with another. You are a Treasure with wondrous gifts and you are squandering them. We must get you out of this endless whirlpool, to break you free. I had hoped after you came back from SF that there would be a change. I don’t know what the change should be, but Troy isn’t it. And you know that, too. I just hate that you are treading water here. I worry you will run out of energy and drown in the eddy. Break free, Babe … break free. Don’t give up!

    Mike

    • Aw, Mike. I feel trapped in the eddy, too, but at least I’m not exhausted. Not yet. I still feel strong, my strokes powerful.

      I know it must be so frustrating to read me and see what move I should make next and I keep doing the opposite. At least I’m clear on what’s happening and I’m not making excuses. I stand by my continual claim that this is all “just something I have to do.” I believe in that. This is going to make me a killer individual when I’m done (I’m a big believer in Frankl’s search for meaning, after all).

      Anyway, as always, thanks for sticking around and for all your support. I will one day break free. I promise. This simply can’t continue as it is forever. Don’t worry 🙂 xx Hy

    • That’s what it is! Mike nailed it. When I was reading this post I thought, “She’s trapped in Groundhog Day.” It’s like you’re trapped in the woods trying to make your way out, but somehow don’t notice that you’re seeing the same spot over and over. You spout all this shit (and yes, I am calling you out on it) about accepting that you can’t be tied down, yada yada, and how you won’t find a partner. That’s bullshit. You could find a partner if you’d stop fucking/sucking people that don’t love you. There. I said it. What I’m trying to say is…. STOP ACCEPTING LESS. STOP MAKING EXUSES FOR IT. At least be honest and admit that you’re accepting far less than you are worth, and that you’re treading water in order to keep this dudes dick in your life.

      I’m proud of DN for FINALLY being one of your friends IRL to tell you that TN isn’t in love with you. Everytime you say someone says it, I wonder why people are so afraid to just tell you the truth.

      The other thing that jumped out about this post- what strange bed?

      lol

  5. Your post was just what I needed to read this morning. I hit my first bump in the road with the Boy Scout, and your words are a good reminder to me. To try and keep perspective even while sucking marvelous cock. I wish it were a happy reminder. Love is a cruel mistress. Your words are beautiful regardless. Thank you. xo

    • I’m glad, Heather. Sorry that my experience is shared in any way (it’s a tough road), but glad to have comrades who know the special kind of torture that this ride happens to be 🙂 Thanks for your kind words. xx Hy

  6. I’m a big fan of photos like that. Always jealous of the lady with her mouth so full.

    Back on that roller coaster then? He gives you something that feels remarkably similar to love, but isn’t so it’s hard to get off. I can understand that. It always seems like he just needs to make up his mind and he just won’t.

    • 🙂 Yeah. I guess so??

      My therapist put it aptly the other day: He has designed the world that he and I live in. He dictates what happens, what it looks like, when/why/and how. I just sort of go along with whatever shots he’s calling. And whenever I try to leave he knows just what to do to reel me back in.

      I guess the real lesson here is I have to decide whether the discomfort is worth the rewards; regardless, I believe I should stop bitching. I exhaust myself with my own uncertainty. xx Hy

  7. Its the same old tale – the pleasure of him is easier to deal with than the pain of ridding yourself of him. We humans have a more difficult time dealing with pain so we choose the “easier” , or rather, pleasurable path. That’s a damn pleasurable shot too! Sharing your process with us is a reflection of how open and available, giving I mean; and something in that trait is maybe what makes it easy for TN to not have compassion for the hurt that his emotional distance creates. I’m just guessing though. I love you and know you are a gem. Some people see things and some just can’t. love and licks, Jayne

  8. i think the answer you seek in this relationship is all there—- right there-” my age,my marital status and my son” you deserve far more then what TN can provide at this point and time!!
    Daniel

  9. I can’t really give you advice on TN, because I don’t know the full extent of the situation. But I think I’ll side with Daniel on this one. It sounds like you need something more than what he can give you. I hope you find an answer to this soon.

    Meanwhile, gorgeous picture!

  10. I’m not sure how it really is, but from how I perceive it from this end, it sounds like you’re the one that puts it all on the line a lot. You give more than you receive. To repeatedly say it’s because of those ‘dealbreakers’ that you can’t have a relationship with him is absurd. He’s taken more than he deserves in this non-relationship setup. I hope he knows that he’s an extremely lucky guy. Getting the benefits with little to no risk on his part.

    I’m kind of feeling evil. I feel like he needs to beg you for it, and deserve it. Plead for mercy. He needs to make an infallible case about being worthy of anything. On YOUR terms.

    Maybe not so he can stay and that you both can keep doing what you do. Maybe for some clarity, some direction, some definitive line about what you want.

  11. Great pic! I admit I didn’t expect the post to be quite like this. I won’t really comment on relationship stuff being relatively new here and not really knowing the history and all.

    I just hope you find happiness, whatever that may be to you.

  12. Good god woman. You are a sneaky little turd… You bury the news of an epic milestone in a post with a pic like THIS? And you put said milestone in TEEEENNNNYYY tiny text. Well fuck your gorgeous eyelashes and fuck TN. 200,000!!!!! That’s DAYUM awesome. Good job girl. I’m proud of you. : )

  13. I’ve been reading through this blog the past few days (no idea what took me so long to find it) and I admire what you’re doing with TN. It may feel directionless but you have to trust that it’ll figure itself out. I was there once.
    PS. Love this picture. It’s artistic. It’s playful. It shows what you love doing. It shows that you do it well. It makes me want to see more. And I think it’s the best picture up here so far. (No disrespect to the other pictures you post of yourself. I think they’re awesome too) 🙂

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