I know he’ll never love me.

“Do you want Emma to suck your cock?” I whispered in his ear as we lay naked in front of the roaring fire, the cock of which I spoke nestled deep inside of me.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “It’s ok with me if you do. I can ask her,” I kept whispering.

“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled back into my ear and thrust his hips up into the soft undersides of my thighs. I giggled and kissed him and rocked back, smiled into his neck with my lips. We didn’t want Jack or Emma, who lay naked on the couch and entwined in their own lovemaking, to hear our little discussion.

Minutes later, I silently motioned her over between his legs while I kissed him deeply and his hands played with my breasts and my slit. Her icy cold hands gripped his shaft and she fell on him like the good little slut that I wanted her to be.

His eyes flew open and I smiled down at him and crushed back down on his mouth as if to say, “I give this to you.”

She sucked and whimpered on him and I lay down beside him on the couch. Jack positioned himself between my thighs, slipped two fingers deep inside and started to lick. The Neighbor and I looked deeply into each other’s eyes and held hands. Each one of our free hands resting gently on our own busy lover’s head.

I noticed Jack’s technique had changed since our last meeting. I moaned and gasped matching TN’s own moans and gasps. My insides lit up and I felt pushed to the brink, but pulled back and begged off.

::

Jack and Emma are old playmates of mine. She’s a scandalous 20 (and a half) and he’s now a ripe 28. I first saw them pale, luminous and naked two years ago when Emma was barely legal, barely past the look of innocence, and barely palatable.

I’d met Jack first, through Troy, and he’d made a Christmas night two years ago extremely memorable for the both of us with his Neighbor-sized cock, open mind, and penchant for licking things.

He’d only just met Emma online at the time and offered her to Troy and me as an additional play partner after more of our trysts proved we were a solid threesome. Troy and I (36 and 38 respectively at the time) were slightly mortified by her age, but we trusted Jack and agreed to meet her.

Her racer-back swimsuit tan lines belied the straight lines of her hips and the crab-apple sized breasts only seemed to imitate a full curve. Fully disrobed, I was horrified to discover she was clean-shaven. She couldn’t have looked more like a 14-year-old girl if she’d tried. She was slack-jawed at my pendulous breasts and wide, soft hips. “You’re so beautiful,” she whispered gingerly reaching out to caress a bare breast. I could hear the yearning in her voice and the acknowledgment in her eyes that — in that moment — I was the woman, she was the girl.

I pushed her down on the Persian rug and slipped a finger inside and found her nub hugged by the naked folds of her vulva. I stroked her from the inside and softly, methodically lapped at her above ground. Soon, she was convulsing around me and gripping my ears. I would never touch her pussy again despite one more tryst with her, Jack and Troy. I simply couldn’t do it. She was too young.

When things between me and Troy melted into a hot, shitty mess they kept out of the fray and remained stalwart supporters of my hunt for adventure and sex. They never lost touch with me and I even helped Emma out when she needed career advice — that’s the benefit of being twice as old as someone: you’ve got basic life experience and knowledge.

Knowing that Jack and Emma live the “lifestyle,” I felt comfortable reaching out to Jack when the sex-party opportunity came up with TN at the end of December. They’d invited me to one or two over the years, but without a trustworthy partner all to myself I always declined.

And so it came to pass that Sunday afternoon the four of us lay sprawled about my living room naked save for their socks and my footwear.

::

In the days leading up to “brunch”, as TN and I had begun to call the foursome, I had revealed much about myself to him. I insisted that he listen to my concerns and I encouraged him to share his with me. I was determined to not go into this letting him think I didn’t need handling. Because I did and do need handling. I’m not a robot that can be programmed, I am human and flawed and weak and strong just like anyone else.

The biggest mistake I made in playing with other women in the past with other lovers was leading everyone to believe that I didn’t care, that I was impermeable to hurt feelings, that I could feel no jealousy. I wanted TN to know with no uncertainty that he had a job to do and that was to make me feel special and preferred.

He assured me that he knew this and that he would be happy to do just that. We didn’t know what we’d end up doing with Jack and Emma, but we promised to communicate our desires throughout the long afternoon. “We’re best friends who fuck,” I’d told Jack when he’d asked what was up between the two us.

“Yeah, that’s a great way of saying it,” TN had agreed. It’s as good as any place from which to start this kind of play.

Our friendship has deepened tenfold over the course of the last few days and nights. Going to my dominant place forces me to trust him and him me. We’ve leaped over months of struggling for power to an easy, confident place of floating on the water’s surface with the gentle sun warming our topsides and the cool water licking at our skin. It’s like a vacation.

I have bade him to do household chores while wearing a butt plug, withheld sex and orgasm from him until he earned it, watched him masturbate and reddened his bottom to my own hand’s detriment. My heart has grown strong from these exercises; it all makes sense now. He needs me to be his mother, his lover, his boss, his caregiver.

Lucky for him, this is me on an average day to any stranger on the street, save for Lover. Rainbows burst from my soul as I watch him do my bidding and eager to fulfill my fantasy and earn my praise. And in some darkened corner of my being my need to be a good girl — a good girl — is fulfilled.

As a child I was never right for those who loved me. I was too ______. My parents did the best they could, but they were damaged individuals who had an easy target to blame in me. Today, I work hard at unweaving the quilt in my heart that states that love = rejection. To hear that I am enough, that I have done it right, is my greatest quest in this life.

Whether I hear it from myself someday (ideally) or partner with someone else who fills my ears with their pride in me (hopefully), it is this lifetime’s journey.

So, imagine my elation when TN brought me to climactic highs, his hand buried deep inside of me, my teeth chattering with orgasm as Jack and Emma watched from the floor and he whispered, “Good girl, Hy. GOOD. GIRL.”

And imagine my crushing dismay when, after they had left, he compared one of Emma’s orgasms to both of mine and said hers was “hotter” because she seemed to “let go” more than me.

::

The danger for me in all of this was, from the start, feeling left out, pressured, or generally not interested after having gotten everyone in the same room together.

Neither Jack nor Emma are particularly attractive to me. He’s tall, hairless and has a quirky asymmetry to his features. Emma is lithe and mousey and wears frame-less eyeglasses throughout a sex act, her under-bite cutely unavoidable.  However, I’m wholly attracted to their energy and “game for anything” attitudes.

I believed TN would go out of his way to make me feel comfortable and he did. Jack and Emma did, too. More than once I found myself the bowl of milk from which three hungry cats lapped. It was overwhelming and flattering to be the main dish and I struggled with feelings of guilt and pleasure simultaneously.

After our clothes had been shed, and parts stuck in other parts and eyes darted to other bodies, TN offered to bring out the Hitachi. He plugged it in and I lay on a towel beside the dismayed and already tired looking Christmas tree. He hooked his fingers inside of me and I instantly started to cum. No preamble, no climb, just ORGASM. There, on me and in me.

I shook and rattled and cried and broke out in a body blush. TN seemed to puff up as if to say, “This is my woman,” and I was so prideful of what I could do for him, so happy.

Emma took a turn next and I pinched her little nipples and caressed her thigh as the boys watched with wolfish stares. She moaned and arched and came just as she had earlier with Jack’s mouth latched between her legs.

Later, I went again and drenched the couch with my juices, getting my greedy, desperate fill of TN’s lustful words and hot hand inside my body.

Then Emma took another turn. I sat cradled in TN’s arms on the couch and Jack hovered over Emma. She turned on the toy and started her climb. She began to grunt like an animal and arched her back. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and I could only see the whites. I giggled and took a sip of my water, uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed. She climbed for at least a minute making — what I thought were — completely ridiculous sounds. I was reminded of a snout-nosed animal looking for its lunch on a forest floor. I could practically smell the overturned dirt.

Finally, she came. Her chest and face flushed red and her guttural noises became even more animal-like. She went limp and tossed the wand aside still buzzing. I reached down and flicked it off.

“That was fucking hot, Emma,” TN said earnestly. I assumed he was just being nice; no one could have found that spectacle hot, could they??

But I was wrong.

::

One thing I did wrong with Troy in all our play was not insist on aftercare. Troy was a bad man and used me like his hand: ignored me until he needed me for something. And because I was hell-bent on not admitting to any vulnerabilities and needs I didn’t get myself taken care of. But this time it was different.

After my last orgasm I was fractured. I balled and cried and sobbed into TN’s arms. “It’s ok, Hy, it’s ok. You’re a good girl, Hy. You’re good,” he crooned to me and I split open even more. In that very moment I realized that’s what this is all about: I want to be good. I want someone to think I am good — the best — that I couldn’t possibly do better than what I just did, that it is enough and he knows it.

He held me and kissed my temples, stroked my hair and let me shake with tears and pain. I knew I could cry forever, but was painfully aware of my audience. I couldn’t think, I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to be alone. I barely even wanted TN there; I wanted to go and cry. But I had guests.

After a brief stint in the hot tub, Jack and Emma went home. It had been 6 hours since their arrival.

TN and I climbed into bed and snuggled and talked about our day.

::

He didn’t reach out and strike me with his comment about Emma’s orgasm being hotter on purpose. He wanted to defend her when I gently made fun of her by admitting I was glad that when I lost my shit I did it in a different way. I recoiled instantly and shut down, layer by layer. I heard myself screaming at Me to come back, to not let this one, errant sentence take away the beauty of the entire day. And before I turned my back on Me entirely TN grabbed me and said, “Can I ask you for one more thing, Hy? Please?” His voice desperate.

I felt exhausted and worn out. What else could he possibly want from me?? I nodded anyway.

“Will you please forget the last 30 seconds ever happened?? Please?? Please just think about what I did for you today, Hy. Only for you. Think about cumming and crying and all of us sucking you.” I told him I would.

And then I told him how much it hurt to feel like I wasn’t enough to him and how I was jealous of Emma when he seemed to enjoy himself so much and how I was embarrassed by that because I wanted to experience full compersion, not jilted acceptance. “Then why are we going to the sex party??”

“Because I’m curious and I want to explore it with you. I trust you like no one else. If you just give me some kind of hand signal that you find me to be the most beautiful woman in the room and that you still want me more, even if you’re fucking the shit out of Cindy Crawford I’ll be ok with it. I know I will. It’s just I get overwhelmed with this sudden, ‘Oh my God, what if he doesn’t want me anymore?’ feeling.”

“How about this? Why don’t we go to the sex party and just find a woman for you to fuck? I won’t touch her unless you want me to and I’ll just fuck you while you fuck her.” And that’s what we ultimately decided on and I let go of his silly words of comparison.

::

Aftercare is as important as expectations, I now realize. In opening up and sharing my vulnerabilities, my hurts, and my fears I allowed TN to bathe my hurts with love and tenderness. “Please don’t be mad at me, Hy. This is all so new to me. I’m going to screw up. Just know that I care about you and don’t meant to hurt you.”

“I know, and thanks,” I said. “I just wish I was more like you.”

“What? Emotionally cut off? But that’s sort of like having a hardon forever and never cumming. Sometimes it’s awesome and sometimes it fucking sucks.”

“Were you ok with Jack going down on me? Did you feel anything?”

“No. I didn’t feel anything, Hy. I rarely do.”

“Oh.”

And it was then, while lying in his arms as he kissed and talked to me and occasionally squeezed me closer, that I realized he does not and never will love me.

He did things for me he’ll never tell another soul, he held my hand as it happened, he cradled me as I battled a tidal wave of hurt and realization in his arms, we’ve dominated, loved and hated each other for months now, but somehow it was at that moment it became a truly lost battle.

After all of this he remains behind a 28-year-old wall of denial and protection and I will never be able to break though. Never. He is lost to me.

::

He has come over every night this week to kiss and touch and cuddle. Tuesday he topped me and had me in my typical puddle-like state. Last night I made him cum – despite himself – in my hungry little mouth, his own mouth stuffed with a warm, chocolate chip cookie I’d baked him.

I am calm and mostly ok. I feel pressed against the glass and am struggling still for some space. I will ask him outright if he’d like spend New Year’s together or not. I’m ok with either. I might’ve just held my breath in the past.

I don’t know how I feel about him anymore, my brain is a quagmire of emotion and confusion. The deep mellow I feel has spread to my fingertips. I no longer feel bereft as I did Sunday night and Monday. I am ok and will be.

I continue on this journey looking for that voice to tell me I’m good enough. I wonder how long I’ll be looking.

78 thoughts on “I know he’ll never love me.

  1. Hy–emotions and confusion are big here, aftercare is Huge!!!
    from my POV you ARE good enough–you just need to find the right person to share it with–Tn is not that person!!!
    Daniel

  2. Wow Babe … too much to process right now … how you have been able, I’ll never guess. Just know in your heart that you, are and will be, the best thing to ever happen to a man. Because you haven’t yet found the man wise enough to comprehend and appreciate the wonder of your gifts, is absolutely no reflection on your worth. You are a treasure

    Mike

      • I’m beginning to understand your frustration now. All this fog of love … you think, you feel you should go this way … IBF shouting “No, this way” “No, that way” “No left” No back up!” “Yes you’re going in the right direction” “No, turn around”. Despite all the off-stage direction, you keep bumping into the furniture. Now that the fog has suddenly began to dissipate, you can see your own path very clearly. I’m so pleased for you. I can see you more clearly now, too..

  3. I know something about looking for someone to tell you that you’re okay. That you are good enough. Feeling that you are too much but never enough all at the same time. And, I’ve learned that the only person that will ever be able to tell you that you are good enough, worthwhile enough, and all the rest of it is YOU. No man, parent, woman, or friend can give you that. No sex act can do it. No friendship can provide it. If another person could do that for us, then we would forever be held hostage to others and their opinions and whims. One day we might be good enough. On another day, we might not be, but we would be anchored to the spectrum of humanity’s capricious moodiness and fickle notions of love.

    We teach others how to treat us, and when we continually ask others to define our worth for us, they seldom ascribe to us our proper value particularly when we offer up our entire self with little to no boundary. I’ve done this before. The result? Complete psychic exsangination–heart and soul–and it was my doing. What man would turn something like that down particularly if little to nothing is really required of him in return? A buffet of sexual fantasies, comfort, nurturing, and companionship whenever he wants it…for what?

    I’ve been reading through your blog, and what comes to mind is this: What you have offered this man is everything much like an all-you-can-eat restaurant and he has eaten his fill. Except he isn’t paying the bill. You have paid HIM to eat at your restaurant after he ate everything. No wonder you are struggling.

    I’m not being cruel. But, you are clearly in pain, and pain is usually there to tell us when something is not working. I’m not one of your longtime followers so this situation is new to me. I’m seeing this with fresh eyes. Sometimes a fresh perspective is useful. Of course, you can delete my comment. That’s always an option.

    • Beautiful and thoughtful words and all ring true. I’d never delete a comment, btw; all words have a place here.

      I know the voice I need to strive for most is my own, but it’d be nice if in the interim there was another’s there, as well. It’s lonely, you know?

      And the length of this journey with TN has been filled with so much learning about myself. I know there’s been a price, but I feel good about paying it up to this point. I’ll be ok.

      Thanks for reading, LJ. I caught up on you today and was too overwhelmed to comment. I will soon. My heart is with you. As different as our paths have been I feel strongly able to relate to your struggles. xx Hy

  4. I continue on this journey looking for that voice to tell me I’m good enough. I wonder how long I’ll be looking. You don’t look for it, you learn how to say it to yourself while believing it. What incredible insight – incredibly real. hugs, Jayne

  5. OK, I may come across as the unfeeling ass here, but gee wiz woman….what do you expect? He did his best at after care, he stayed within the boundaries (it sounded like) you set before the 4-some, he was open to discussions about it before hand, he held your hand, he snuggled, he kept in touch afterwards, and you claim he doesn’t love you because he complimented a cute little 20+ something who orgasmed while he watched? What did you expect him to do, compliment her insight into the Fiscal Cliff crisis?

    In your own words he said, “That was fucking hot, Emma.” In your commentary YOU used the word ‘hotter’, you made the comparison, and YES, of course it’s fucking hot to watch a woman get off in your living room!!!! It’s very very fucking hot. We all find it very hot!! He earned huge brownie points my book by declining the sex party on your behalf. He’s looking after you, at that moment he gave up something he wanted to make you happier, healthier, and his long term after care (coming over in the following days) is exceptional.

    MJ is right in saying that no one can make you happy, but it sound to me like he’s trying very very hard to do it. You will always be miserable unless you stop looking to others to make you happy. It’s a battle we all fight, and most of us lose. if you want to be happy with him then focus on the reality of what and who he is. Don’t make him in to something he’s not, but to me he sounds like he’s doing his best to be everything you want him to be (top, bottom, slave,master, best friend, lover, handyman, neighbor, sex scout, psychiatrist), it’s a losing battle for you and exhausting for him.

    (This has gone on too long and sounds to negative, but you can be happy if you accept his true nature and allow yourself to love him for what he is.)

    • You misunderstand me. I don’t think he doesn’t love me because of him liking the way she cums better (& he DID tell me it was hotter). It was finally hearing him tell me he is incapable of feeling anything towards me that made it clear.

  6. We will all be along, holding your coat, while you go looking. And we will be knowing that, all along, you were good enough. More than good enough. Best.

  7. You’re definitely good enough for anything, Hy. You’re way more daring than I’d ever be, but I really admire your willingness to follow your heart and to have the courage to look at all this honestly. Although you haven’t chosen the easiest or most painless path, I think you’ve chosen a deep, brave, honest one, and I have no doubt you’ll be fine. (Also, even though I don’t have your willingness to take chances like this, I can see that this time in your life is extremely hot. And your writing gets better all the time, by the way.)

  8. Maybe I’m missing something? He said that he rarely feels anything when you referred to jack going down on you. This could just mean that he wasn’t jealous, or he wasn’t turned on by it. And even if he did mean something that’s related to not loving you, that doesn’t mean it’s always going to be true. We, stupid men of the world, often don’t realise what we’re feeling until much later.

  9. You said “the rest just clicked for me”….

    Is he feeling the same way, or, as was asked earlier, are you project your interpretation on his actions? My wife and I fight over this, still, after 20 years. I say something and she reads it through her baggage, and I do the same. We are almost always wrong when we assume and don’t stop to ask, “What did YOU mean by that?”

    Let him communicate his meaning, don’t guess at it. Guys are awful mind-readers, and women are usually worse, but they won’t admit it.

  10. YES! Ask him what he means, ask him for an explanation, discuss your relationship with as much energy as you discussed the 4-some. Let him tell his side of the story in an environment where he can speak freely without putting EVERYTHING at risk that very moment. Let him admit his fears, his intentions, his doubts. And you tell him yours. Tell him you love him and ask him if he can love you back now, next week, or never, or after he’s done a Tibetan three-way with a monk and a midget…. but ask him, don’t interpret him.

      • Then have the balls to end it, or stop being surprised when the hurt you always write about keeps on repeating itself!! Please be real. You are never going to be able to settle for less than love and a relationship with TN..and according to what you’ve said that is exactly the opposite of what he wants.

        As much as you try to pretend that sex is all it is, it’s so much more than that for you! And what hurts you is that he doesn’t feel the same way back! It is not just a desire to be good, it’s a desire for TN to think you are good……and I’m sure he does, but you’re living in dreamland because, as I said, you’re lying to yourself, you’re living a dream. You want him to think you’re good because in general all women who are in love want the object of their affection to think they’re good. You want him to love you… If “you’re good” is all you want then that’s a bit degrading.

        I’m sorry Hy, I’ve never commented here before and I’m not trying to be mean or harsh at all, but flattery and oh-your-so-beautiful’s is going to get you nowhere. You’re just getting hurt and hurt and hurt over and over again by this guy..and sorry to be the one to say it, but it’s never going to stop until you end it. Which you never will by the looks of it…

        • Chillipuff, thanks for de-lurking and I’m sorry it was to lay it all out for me, but I understand your frustration with me. I failed miserably with this post: I am not currently feeling jilted by the state of our affair. This is a complicated ensemble of emotions that I tried hard to share with you all, but fell short.

          The “good enough” aspect of this post is more deeply personal and emotional than the TN story by itself. It was the realization of what motivates me in all my relationships and my embracing of it left me wilted and sad.

          Thank you for the time and effort you put into your comment. You’re always welcome to share your thoughts 🙂 xx Hy

  11. if he says “No” then you are free to move on with a clear conscience and a broken heart. But that is better than staying with false hopes and devastating uncertainty. If he says “Yes” than you can smile and move forward in a different direction. But as long as you admit you are just stalling, stop asking the question and fuck him. (and tell us about it)

    • But I’m NOT stalling and I still do as I please. I date, I fuck, I do whatever. Have I not shared this aspect of my life?

      I admit to being entangled, but is that a bad thing?? I love him and what we have going on, I get a lot from this, but not everything. He has the option to leave me at any time more so than if we were committed.

      I don’t know… I love him just the way he is, but it’d be a lot better if he loved me back. That’s all. 🙂

  12. I have a lot to say here, and I’m still processing. Maybe when I come home and get a little buzzed and a little overwrought I can think more clearly

    For now, just know I love you and you are enough. More than, actually.

    Xoxo

      • The beauty of this sort of blogging is that I can feel like I know you intimately, and then moments like this leave me in the dark. I wonder if you’re putting on a brave face, but then I think: if you are, it would be very mean of me to try and rip it away.

        I know he didn’t really do anything wrong. He does have this flaw, and really, I’ll chalk it up to him being a young man, somewhat inexperienced in the ways of love. I’m the pot calling the kettle black, of course, but I may be a little biased because I sincerely care about you.

        I enjoy reading about the beautiful moments you’ve had leading up to this, and I recall my “the neighbor” situation once again and since you are a stronger woman than I am, I know you’ll get through it, with a lesson learned, but more than likely with no regrets (the way it should be!). Ugly truths are hard to swallow, and I hope this one goes down easy, darling.

        xoxo

        • Thank you, Fatal. I like your diplomacy here; I know I upset a lot of people with this one because it seems as though I’m finding fault with him and I’m actually not. It was just a strange moment when it finally occurred to me that he will never love me despite the thousands of things he does for me which actually do feel like love. It’s complicated 🙂

          I’m so glad I have you, Fatal. Truly. xx Hy

  13. You just admitted, “That’s my stall.” I can only go off what you say, and though, yes, you do all those things, your are so hung up on TN that all those other activities are in orbit around him. He’s the giant planet in the middle of the universe, even when you aren’t on the surface, his gravity changes the trajectory of all your travels. Question like, Will he be there? Will he find out? Is he home? Why hasn’t he called/texted/knocked? Does he thinks I’m cuter/hotter/better than her? You are “independent” only as far as his gravity will let you go. you need to achieve escape velocity, and, of course, you need to stop landing on him. (can you tell i’m watching “the big bang” theory tonight?

  14. Compersion, that’s the word I was looking for. I had to look it up. I’ll have to tell the next person I get involved with I want full compersion. Then they can ask me what it is and I’ll sound sweet, and smart to boot. Good word. Learn something new every day…

  15. So turbulent. So many thoughts I have in reading this. In short,

    You know you rock his world. You’ve got the track record experience. He won’t find anyone like you. You know you are good enough, Hy. I understand the need for affirmation, It’s only natural. Maybe the pain means he’s not the one you should get that affirmation from. .

    Just know that your IBF loves you, AS IS!

  16. It’s difficult for me to form any words that make sense now… this is overwhelming, and sad, and painful… You deserve a man that will really see and understand you for who you are, how amazingly fantastic you are, how worthy of complete love…

  17. Hy babe all this rationalizing is giving me a headache. There are limitless ways to say the samething so while my words change the message remains the same. There are sheep and sheppards. Having the ability to see the bigger picture is something few people can really do no matter how smart they think they are. You are on the cusp of realization you see things as they are but struggle with the truth of it. You just have to reflect on what Janis said. Tommorrow never comes its always today.

    Limitless thoughts of compassion and love

    Cruel

    • Strangely, I agree with you: I suddenly got focus and all pretense of hope and direction melted away and I saw everything differently. Yes, he will never love me, but not because I don’t feel loved, but because he will never believe it himself. It made me sad, but not distraught. It was a powerful moment. It was also a powerful moment for me to realize my true motivations in this life, outside of this thing with TN. Heady stuff… xx Hy

  18. Oh, for the love of god. Excluding everything that was so very hot and boner-inducing about the four-some, and of course. excluding your brilliant writing and descriptions, this post really pissed me off. Of course TN is unfeeling; there is something emotionally defective there. But that doesn’t erase the fact that the man loves you, deeply.

    Advizor54 has said all this much better than I possibly can, but geeze, don’t be such a woman. He loves you. It may not be perfect but accept it.

    • JFB, I appreciate your honesty, but hear me out: I didn’t say I didn’t feel loved by him, but that he will never love me. I failed in making this clear because you’re not the only one pissed off at me. I didn’t mean to make anyone think I believe he should have done anything differently, only that in that moment I suddenly realized his views of his own feelings about me. Even though every stupid little thing he does (in my eyes) sure as hell seems like love, he doesn’t see it that way. And it felt terribly sad to me. (Ok, off to the next pissed off reader 🙂 Clearly, I’m going to have to write another post about this…) xx Hy

  19. My first reaction when I read this was echoed by diirrty – could it be that TN only meant that he didn’t feel jealousy in that context? But then I remembered how one day, during the long months of relationship limbo with Albert, my ex, I suddenly saw very clearly that he and I could never be together, that he could never love me the way I wanted. I cherished that realisation and it seemed to change everything.That was the moment that set me free and it is entirely possible that the same thing will happen here with you, if you’re ready.

    Anyway, I think I know where you’re coming from. And no matter what happens from now on, I’ll be thinking about you and wishing you well, together with the rest of your IBF. xoxo

  20. I’m glad you had fun.

    It appears you’ve accepted what has been obvious from the beginning; TN is young, stupid, selfish, cruel, etc. In short, he’s a typical modern-day Alpha male. Having him in your life is ridiculously convenient – he’s the boytoy next door – and necessary for your well-being.

    But until he grows up – and he has no intention of doing that right now – he’s not right for you. How could he be? Your ages require different needs. You’ve been where he is and it was GOOD. But now you’re lingering and even back-pedaling and that is going to damage you sooner or later.

    But you know what? I’m done with this. This is your life. I’ll listen to your stories, confessions and pleas – ALWAYS – but offering any further advice at this point would be useless.

    You need to walk a path of your own choosing. I hope you choose wisely and with your heart, not your loins.

  21. This is only the second post of your blog that I’ve read and–holy shit. You put into words exactly how I feel. This: “As a child I was never right for those who loved me. I was too ______. My parents did the best they could, but they were damaged individuals who had an easy target to blame in me. Today, I work hard at unweaving the quilt in my heart that states that love = rejection. To hear that I am enough, that I have done it right, is my greatest quest in this life.” Acceptance. That’s one thing I crave, too. Thank you for this piece of writing.

  22. Your writing is inspiring. I’ve always wanted to write something that made people smile. laugh, and cry. You just did that. I’ve smiled, I’ve laughed, I’ve shed a tear(and that is rare), and you’ve turned me on as well. WOW Bravo.

    With that said, hang in there dear.

  23. This is such a beautiful post! Thanks for putting words on the “love = rejection” dynamics, which is so difficult to see in oneself, so difficult to admit and even harder to overcome. I’m part on the same trip as you are here, same dynamics, same source of that dynamic (they “did the best they could, but they were damaged individuals who had an easy target to blame”). Sometimes just reading a story about how someone is accepted, praised, or pardoned makes me explode in tears. I used to wonder why, until it slowly crept into me that it was all about the smell of “never good enough” and “addicted to rejection” that subtly permeates everything in my life, even while others praise me and desire me. MJ is right though, the smell will not leave until we learn to like ourselves and find ourselves worthy, unbroken, exciting. It is so exciting though to see someone else with the stamina and the honestly to excavate this and turn life around. It feels emotionally intimate to read your post, I’m looking forward to read more from you. In the meantime, sending you lots of love and warmth — it’s an uphill struggle, and there will probably be lots of loneliness until the tide turns…

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  25. Ok waaaay too many comments to wade through. Hy….sweetie….TN shows you what passes for love for HIM…it may not be your/my/our definition but love, in and of itself, is a huge expectation and defined differently by most of us. I don’t agree that he can/doesn’t/will never love you…I think he (the boy/man) shows you HIS version of what love is and that’s all he can give you because its all HE knows at this point in his life. You/I/IBF expect more from him because we are older and wiser and more experienced from our own pains and mis-fires. You shared a beautiful experience together and besides this one day….he made very valiant efforts to show you that YOU are enough in his eyes.

    And, btw…..you ARE enough, but I agree, you need to get that from yourself love…not any of us or TN. THAT is your/our struggle, not getting someone else to say we are enough…but knowing it sincerely and deeply in our core and embracing it. xoxox

    • I really love what you’ve written here. It’s true. All of it. Every word.

      Something else I haven’t really kept in perspective is how much my fear of abandonment weaves into my life. I can’t keep anyone in my life. No one can. I have become reacquainted with that old adage of if you love it, let it go. I must stop being afraid of losing him and let him go instead. I know this may seem like a disjointed response to your comment, but I promise it isn’t 🙂 xx Hy

      • I had this long ass reply all typed up and reminded myself to just shut up. I can always email you 🙂

        Your reply wasn’t disjointed at all…..I got it. I continue to admire how you put yourself out there/here for all of us. The fact that you examine your feelings and really FEEL them rather than hide them away for them to become part of your wall seems very healthy. I am busy building a fortress….my friends used to tell me I “think too much”. Whatever that means 😉 Love to you xoxo

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