I show my tits on Christmas Day.

I woke up before my baby did and laid in the cool pre-dawn light with the purring breath of my child beside me. My mom’s noise maker imitated some kind of happy meadow somewhere. I wished I was there.

Not because I didn’t want my baby pressed against me like a warm rag-doll and not because I didn’t want to be with my parents who love me, but because the pain of my new life often overwhelms me and I wanted to get away.

The man I love is states away with a family who doesn’t know I exist and likely never will and my ex-husband is surrounded by his new girlfriend and her family making their own traditions, steeping their own new love together. I am pursuing a career I’m uniquely suited for, but the runway for launch is getting shorter and shorter and I am terrified. I rarely sleep for worry is the elixir I can’t seem to refuse.

I feel so very, very alone.

And so I got up and had a quiet cup of coffee with my stepdad and waited for Peyton to arise.

I also sent a racy collage to The Neighbor. It’s the only thing I’m allowed to give him. I’d much rather have sent a text that said, “Merry Christmas, honey. I love you and am so very grateful to have you in my life. Wish you were here.” To which he’d naturally respond, “I love you, too! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Give Peyton a kiss for me.”

But I can’t. And he will never.

I’m forced to express all my feelings, all my affection, through sexual means. I have painted the beigest version of me — Hy = sex — when there are so many other colors to add. Oh well.

And he has barricaded himself behind some kid of voodoo that prevents him from ever either a) loving me or b) admitting to it. Oh well again.

Today I’ve cooked and drank and eaten cookies made by my exhusband’s girlfriend — I’m fairly certain they weren’t poisoned. Then like a slap I realized he didn’t get me anything.

No gift “from” Peyton and not from him, though he got my parents a bottle of wine and I even told him both Peyton and I were giving him gifts.

I sat on the couch trying not to be butt hurt because that’s just bad form, but I admit (ashamedly) I’m not sure I succeeded. It’s just another reminder of my loneliness.

I am not important to him anymore. As it should be, but fuck, it burns. Worse than my foot that was doused in boiling water last night.

It all seems so accidental. Love, pain, life. I’m going to drink more champagne, kiss on my sweet baby love, and think about Saturday night. That should be enough to get me through the rest of the day.

If not, there’s always a hot bath and some wine once I get home.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! I love you all

57 thoughts on “I show my tits on Christmas Day.

  1. I appreciate you sharing yourself. Your IBF thinks you’re very very sexy. I also hope some of that loneliness fades (that you learn to be okay with being alone, maybe?) and I wish you a Merry Christmas. 🙂

  2. Merry Christmas, Baby. I’m right there with you. Would’ve loved to have you over for mimosas and French toast this morning.

    Wine is a good comfort though. I can’t remember how many glasses I’m on. Ah well. Have a better day.

    xoxo

  3. I understand the pain and loneliness of not being important to someone the way you’d like to be…but the only way to cope is shift your thinking…you’re important to Peyton and your family…and no, its not always enough, but sometimes it will get you through…

    Pardon me as I spend the rest of my Christmas feeling a little lost and alone, too…I give great advice and I’m pretty shitty at taking it…

  4. You are so much more to us than your boobs and your lips could ever be.

    Happy Christmas!

    ps Hey, your nails match TN’s cock! What sort of perfection is that?

    • Thank you, Nick. You are too kind. I’m an idiot for posting on Christmas Day and admitting my weaknesses. I’m glad I’ve got friends who don’t mind I’m a weenie on occasion.

      Happy Christmas to you!! xx Hy

  5. Oh Hy, I really wish I actually owned a big fat piece of thundering tumescence to tease you with as a christmas gift from IBF!! Jayne xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

      • you know, considering all, it was a breeze. I have similar feelings as you. I’m just in a jacked up parallel universe – OMG!! I could be you and TN (minus the group sex and spanking) years down the road in a Twilight Zone Episode – that ends with me screaming, “You can still can get out!” LOL!

  6. Merry Christmas Hy. Wine is a good thing. Immerse yourself in Peyton. The sun will rise again tomorrow and bring with it more opportunities for dreams and hopes. Thank God we always have tomorrow to start again! And TN will be back knocking at your door once more. 🙂

  7. “…express all my feelings, all my affection, through sexual means.”
    That got me.
    I’m in the same boat.
    I feel for ya babe.
    I’m looking to the New Year to turn it around – for us both.

  8. You don’t have to tell us there is more to Hy than sex. Anyone with any sense knows that. But I am inclined to believe you might be uniquely well suited to being a sex therapist. Your skills, your day to day to life, your child, all of that is something of a mystery. But white space can add a lot to a work of art.
    Funny you mentioned a few humanizing details about TN to me. While there is a lot of emotional depth to Hy, TN has been a fairly flat character that I don’t think has been fleshed out as much more than a cock. Your readers shit on him or defend him based on your feelings, rather than any accurate sense of what kind of guy he is. That’s all well and good. Maybe he is flat. Character development doesn’t appear to be his forte, or else I think he would open up to you more. I always liked to think he’s a complete dick, but I know you wouldn’t see anything in him if he was, and it’s pretty rare that I think a woman has done as well for herself in the man department as she is able. You especially, given all the heartache he puts you through.
    One never knows what’s around the bend. If I can get a date, anything is possible! Mind you, I haven’t gotten a date yet. And she probably left to go back to New York already, which would spoil this welcome trepidation I feel about the possibility of going out with her here, but who knows?
    You’re a beautiful, sexy and intelligent woman. Try not to wallow in loneliness, but if you do, well, I understand. I’m probably much better at it than you. It’s been a specialty of mine for way too long. I was crying throughout the last couple hours of a Christmas party last night and hoping that everyone just thought I was high or had too much to drink so that I didn’t have to explain myself. I missed home, my other brother who didn’t make it here, my best friend, an old flame who is far away, and my bong. More often than I care to admit, I have to tell myself to stop it with the self-pity. Then people tell me I’m special and I think, “Fuck yourself, I haven’t been on a date in over a year, I’m broke as fuck, have no career, no ambition, no sex-life, no lover, don’t do anything new any more, am in constant arthritic discomfort, never party, don’t celebrate holidays, only have one friend, bla bla bla”
    Frankly, I often hate my life.
    Shit. See how quickly I can depress myself?
    Best of luck on a new path, I think you’re in need of some change as much as I am.
    The world’s still here and it’s almost a new year.
    Merry Christmas Hy,
    much IBF love,
    -Justin

    • Sweet, Justin. I truly admire the thought you put into these notes to me. Truly. And you’re right: I’ve written TN as a very flat character because I never guess a thought of his. I only write what he says or does as my own perspective.

      His real character is rich and layered and it certainly explains why my friends all like him despite hating what he does to me. I fear he’ll always remain a cut-out character here because I’d never presume to know his real thoughts and feelings, the connections he makes between past and future and so forth, and I also don’t want to expose too much of what he’s shared with me about himself because it’s — well — private. I do him enough injustice with the secret blog without writing about what I think he feels, you know??

      As far as you go, maybe you should listen to the people who say you’re grey and believe them. You don’t need all those things to be great. It’s be nice, yes, but it’s no reflection on you that it’s not happening. If it were, then it’s follow that anyone who were alone (like me) were alone because they suck, right? xx Hy

  9. Merry Christmas Hy. You know you are very important to many people here. When the sadness comes, try and think of the good things in your life … Peyton, your family, your friends, your health. And time and a new direction will solve the other, I’m certain.

    Mike

  10. Hey Hy,

    I won’t be as eloquent as Justin, but let me say I feel your pain.
    On a side note, that pic of you going down on someone (???) is sexcellent! Any others like that?
    HH

  11. Merry Christmas Hy. The loneliness passes, and it sounds like you have some very interesting things about to happen in your life. It sucks to be alone, but it at least there are bright futures to look forward to. I raise my glass to your IBF. We can be your emotional sponge so you can focus on everything else.

  12. How is it that we can feel so alone with so many people around us. Your life sounds full and rich with so much going on. Mine is dull and boring leaveing me feeling lost. It must all be perspective. I hope the new year brings you what you are searching for. Love reading your posts:)

    • Thanks, RFB. You know, it really is all perspective. In my lower, weaker moments I feel my losses. Like I said, I’m ashamed I don’t always feel full. I have a rich and love-filled life. I’m glad you’re here. xx Hy

  13. Always a mixed feeling when I read your posts like this one, a mixture of your pain and the knowledge of where it comes from. I am sure you realize that not all just read, shrug and pass by. I hope you know that you do touch with your words and I am not alone in wishing you joy and happiness in the days to come. Hugs from an old romantic….

  14. Hy I can’t tell you how those words just resonated exactly with what I’m going through with my blond version of TN. Especially the part about you only being able to express your love through sex. The situations aren’t the same, ie I am not getting the shit fucked outta me by BTN anymore, I’ve been in another city for 2 months, THANKFULLY. But the man is the same. Partly why I’ve been so compelled and heartbroken by your story.

    Last night I cut BTN out of my life entirely. I deleted/blocked him from everything and deleted all his texts and phone number. I’ve attempted measures not as permanent as this before, but never to any avail. He always reels me back in. I saw on instagram that he commented on the genetics of a 22 year old’s selfie photo whose profile i==s shallow and narcissistic as them all and I couldn’t take it. It broke my heart. I knew he’d hit on her too, I always do. I can pinpoint the girls he’ll want like mosquitos can pinpoint warm blood in a dark field. It makes me feel sick. That’s not the kind of love I want. I appreciate it, and what it’s done for me, but I don’t want it anymore.

    So yeah I was heartbroken last night. I’ve never known love and hate for someone to this extent. I had to play a boardgame with my family shortly after and it was one of the hardest things ever, to just pretend I hadn’t ripped my own heart out of my chest and thrown it just to get it away from him. But the analogy I keep using is I’m dragging myself out of this mud. Nobody is gonna save my soul except me. I am splitting myself in two, and one me is going go lie heartbroken, too immobilized to leave the ether that is him, and the other is going to get up and drag the other me along and tell her “You deserve better you deserve better you deserve better” until she’s back on her feet. I even had the thought of “what if he texts me” last night and decided he’s not getting any piece of me back, nothing not my body, not my attention, not even my wit, without a diamond ring. And that thought resonated very strongly. I guess I maybe didn’t feel worth a diamond ring. (Who’s gonna save my soul by Gnarls Barkley – oh man give that a listen).

    I just noticed over the holidays I’d be watching Casa Blanca or It’s a Wonderful Life and sort of sad for those love stories. And yesterday I realized it was because I don’t have a chance of having that love with this man. He’s not going to lasso me the moon. The only thing he’ll lasso me is is dick. In between more wholesome girls who he’d rather date. And that’s not to say I don’t believe this man is in love with me either, because he is. One of my good psychic friends even had to audacity to say she thinks he’s my twin flame! But maybe…I know we’ve evolved each other a lot.

    Anyways, I feel for you, Hy. Just wanted to express my thanks in making me feel not alone in what I’m going through, and doing it with such eloquent words. You are one in a million. And I hope sharing my experience can make you feel not so alone too.

    • Oh, EL, I am so sorry. What a night you had! Love is neither wise nor logical; the best we can hope or is it doesn’t destroy us. But — and I say this to myself as much as to you — to me it’s worth the burn for the flame is precious and fleeting. When I’m old and gray… etc, etc.

      Love is a lesson, not graduation.

      Hang in there and thank you very much for sharing with me. Many hugs to you, Hy

      • Thanks Hy, same to you. Love is neither wise nor logical. Made me laugh, so true. Of course I feel bad like the next day after all my deleting but I’m sticking with what I did and calling it tough love. Bad behavior will not be rewarded with my pussy. Also, I might just write a book about this. I don’t understand the relationship but writing about it seems to be the only thing that makes sense right now. Yeah I won’t contact this guy but I’ll write a book about him, haha. Maybe I’ll title it Love is Dumb.

  15. Holidays are sad for me too, Hy. But from the way you write, I can see you’re learning and growing through all of this. And whatever is going on now, I can guarantee it won’t last forever. Good things are coming, babe.

    • I’m sorry they are for you, too, Theo. and thanks for the kind words. I’m working on it all. I often feel spun and dizzy with a bag on my head, other times enlightened and clear-sighted. I hope my writing reflects that much, at least. Much warmth and hugs to you, xx Hy

  16. You’re such a wonderful and smart girl and it irritates me to read this at the same times it pains me but mainly I think: serisously??? You have enough respect to speak for girls so come on! You can do good for what you want! I really like you from what I read, and I think your blog is nessary! / Sweden

  17. Ihave just now found you through the Best Sex bloggers list. I have decided I am going to meet them all , and possibly become their newest admirers. I have been there before, alone on Christmas with only my new baby. Including the ex husband, except mine was not baby daddy so I didn’t have to see him or deal with him. I am sorry you felt so lonely. Hopefully 2013 will be a swing for you to better days and better things.

  18. A day late and a dollar short, since I’ve been cutoff from technology for most of the week. But, I still want to tell you – no, remind you – that I think you’re amazing.

    If you never posted another tit pic, or another story of your sexcapades, and just wrote about you and the thoughts and feelings that are you, I am confident in saying we’d all still read everything and anything you share.

    You’re good people, and human, Hy. And fine just the way you are. Anyone who says otherwise can take it up with us.

    Lots of love,
    Dave

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