Sometimes, I want to shut it all down.

I am not trustworthy.

A trustworthy person doesn’t have a secret sex blog.  A trustworthy person doesn’t share elicit photographs of your body on the internet without your knowledge.  A trustworthy person doesn’t worry about being discovered and her life ruined.

Therefore, I am not trustworthy.

I live in a world of cognitive dissonance, supported by excuses and denial.  This is my outlet, I say, I need it I shrivel up without it.

I speak of things which I ordinarily keep hidden: my fears, my feelings, my lusts.  Here, as an anonymous voice, I am vocal about who I really am, not shy of my body’s quirky, leaky features and proud of my desires and the many words I choose to describe them.

This is my secret sex blog.  The sex blog of which I am at once wholly proud and deeply ashamed.  Who am I anymore if not a trustworthy individual?  Is this blog worth my integrity?

With the exception of this one thing, I am true to my word.  I never break it.  I never share information a reader divulges to me and I never break my own rules about disclosing my secret.  I don’t tell my real life friends anything about this world and I keep a controlled drip on my real life here.   I live firmly in both: my blogging universe and my real one.

I write because it is in my blood, but I chose this medium because I also need attention.  I am not afraid of facing that fact.  I don’t believe it’s a failing to need others.  Blogging allows me access to an ever-present IV of support, feedback, and creativity unlike anything else.  My real life friends have lives and are busy; I can’t always catch them on the merry-go-round of life, but here, here I can tickle a fish out of water.  It’s easy and familiar.  My readers are wise, my friends accepting.  I belong here.

I worry that what I need from life isn’t sustainable by less than a cloud of faceless names and words, that part of my wiring begets requiring an unreasonable amount of interaction and support.  Perhaps that’s the case and I will always rely on blogging to fortify me.  I don’t know.  I don’t know how this will all end.

It might end if I ever tell The Neighbor and he asks for me to stop.  When I began writing here I didn’t have anything to lose, no one had my heart.  I was recording a period of my life, but 18 months later, it’s become something much different.  It’s a living document of my love and relationship with a man who is innocent and who has never given his consent to be written about.  What’s the protocol for this??  I feel so lost. 

The choking weed of this fact has grown slowly, sneakily.  I didn’t fully realize it was happening until now, when he and I are closer than ever and I swear he says, “Hy, I love you,” in a look, through words, and his warm touch every time we’re together.  Those words would shatter my world of cognitive dissonance.  I would be unable to continue the lie of A Dissolute Life Means… if he admits to loving me.

I have played a game until now, telling myself it doesn’t matter that I do this because we’re not together, he hasn’t committed to me, I can do what I like because it’s my story, too, but those are the excuses that are built on bullshit.  And bullshit is loose and washes away.

I don’t know how he would react to discovering this blog.  Frankly, I don’t like to think about it.  I imagine it would feel flattering and a little special at first.  Then the anger would rise in him as he read all the minute details I shared, my petulant anger which seethed beneath the surface for months, my manipulations to seduce him, and the brute force of my unrequited feelings.

I would be horrified and embarrassed to my roots to be so exposed to him.  All my ugliness and insecurities, all my hopes and dreams, all my hesitations and complaints.  It would be too much.  I would die a thousand lonely deaths, hideous and bare.

And how dare I share a single photo of him without his consent?  I’ll save you the trouble of saying it: I know I’m an asshole.

Consent, which is so integral to what we do, has been absent from this blog.  Therefore, I am taking down all images of him effective immediately, even the ones that he said I could share on the internet somehow.  I will never share another image of him.  Perhaps it is possible to salvage some self respect, after all.

Becoming a blogger with even one reader has a learning curve and I’ve felt behind for some time.  There are no rules written, no How To Successfully Write a Secret Sex Blog and Not Blow Up Your Life or Be a Total Dick manual.  What do I share?  What don’t I share?  What’s  the right content for a fucking secret sex blog??

You may have been judging me for some time about this.  Well, thanks, but I’m way ahead of you.

My writing has changed as I’ve learned more about the pitfalls of secret blogs and my feelings have grown for my muse.  I’ve read numerous times elsewhere similar ethical uncertainties as a relationship begins, “Do I close my blog??  But I love it so much…”   Lots of wives have risked everything to tell their husbands of their blogs and some bloggers have just disappeared altogether, their reasons for leaving a mysterious whisper the rest of us pass along like confused school children.

When I became a sex blogger — and chose to remain anonymous — I relied on an unspoken agreement between myself and you, The Code.

I choose as wisely as I can which parts of myself to hold to the light and pray that no one will blow my cover.  I protect my location, the age and sex of my child, my profession, and all those same identifying facts about my lovers and friends.  My pictures hide identifying markers to the best of my ability and you only see ubiquitous doors and bathroom sinks, Ikea furniture that half the industrialized world own.  I hide my hair, the shape of my face, my smile, yet I bare my soul to you with the understanding that you know I know you know: if I don’t do it first, you can destroy me.

You could tell me where I live and what I do for a living.  You could find images of me on the internet and have them at the ready to spread around and connect to my sex blog.  You could steal from me the little world I have created here and I would be powerless to stop you.  But you don’t do that.

And in turn I protect you, your email addresses, and accidental uses of your real names here and there, blog addresses you decide you don’t want published after all, and you leave me in peace and take what I am willing and able to give and not one inch more.  It’s a beautiful, symbiotic relationship, one which is well-oiled in my corner.

But it doesn’t always work that way for everyone. Sometimes someone crosses the line and ruins a beautiful little world with one swipe.  There’s a galaxy in that drop of water you so carelessly wiped away.

It happened to one of our own recently; most of you miss her, too.  Her creative outlet ripped away because a reader became obsessed and tracked her down based on the loosest of details she’d shared with him as a friendly gesture.  She chose not to share his identity with us because she understands the agreement we have with you.

I pressed her to tell me who it was and she refused, citing her honor and integrity.

Being a secret sex blogger is a complicated, emotional endeavor.  I flog myself for my indiscretion, my betrayal of TN, my weakness for attention, yet I am pulled here like a riptide — to a mass of people who could destroy me — because of the friendships and creative-petting I find like a freshly tapped well.  All it would take is one individual to pull the plug on this, to freak out and be an asshole, and it would disappear as if it had never been.

It’s a dangerous dance, a dramatic play, a nail-biter, but a real live human being is behind this blog.  A terribly flawed woman, a woman of possibly questionable ethics, and attached to her are innocents caught in her narrative.  Remember that.  It’s not just me you would be unearthing, but them, too.

Goddamnit.  I am two halves living in one shell.

So what next?  Will TN and Hy ride off happily into the sunset with a signature post?  Will the blog go on indefinitely as Hy creates better rules and regulations for sharing?  Will Hy tell TN and he’ll give her his blessing?  Or will her world come crumbling down around her because eventually she was found out by a reader?  Her silly, dark needs driving her to never let go of her secret sex blog because it just all felt too good like another glass of wine, one more orgasm, or just one more minute, please, please don’t go yet.

Forgive me the frailties of my ego, protect me from myself.  I want to shout that I am better than all this, but clearly I am not.  I have no where to hide.  I admit I’m at a loss as to how to weave it all together, my blogging life and my real.  They seem so disparate, yet they are both me.  Sometimes, I want to shut it all down.  I am exhausted.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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78 thoughts on “Sometimes, I want to shut it all down.
  1. Oh Hy … Do what you have to do for yourself. We have no answers for you, only support in what limited way we can. We know we’re lucky to be on here with each other – no secrets. You fell like a good person to us, from the tiny fraction of your life you share here.

    1. Thank you, Silverdrop. You are too kind. I try to be a good person, but I’m not so sure a good person has a secret sex blog. But maybe it’s not that black and white, either…

  2. It is hard to combine the both, it’s hard to keep up a front all the time and be two separate people, exhausting.
    I mixed mine up a bit. I told my friends, my family discovered it, my then boyfriend knew of it, an ex who I used to write about without him knowing, much as you do, discovered it months after we broke up. I had cleared most of the writing about him by this point, started again. He was mad to start with, but also happy to see I was doing well.
    Now I make sure people know what they are getting into with dating me.
    Like you I love my blog, I need my outlet. Those who don’t know about it, don’t know the real me. Like I’m hiding myself. Then those who know the blog and not the real me don’t know what I am like either.
    Don’t be ashamed xx

    1. Thank you, Emma. I am just tired. I am so proud of this blog, its writing, my readers. I think I write good content, but I can’t share it with anyone. My wins are silently celebrated on the internet. It’s kind of sad.

      But I don’t know if I could handle discovery. In my experience, if I know someone is reading it who knows me in real life, I don’t write the same, my voice changes. I’m not sure how to get around that.

      I would love nothing more than to share this with TN and hope he would be proud of me and see himself through my eyes.

      Thank you for your kind words. xx Hy

  3. Hey lady,

    More in-depth response soon; I’ve got some ass kicking I need to run out the door for in a few minutes.

    Short version: it’s the compartmentalization. I’ve grown more aware of this and seen it happen to others, and cause people to crack. The compartmentalization of the the two separated lives and unable to figure out how to reconcile it so you’re not fractured into two halves, both of which are important to you.

    Unfiltered (well, you know what I mean) communication of thoughts and feelings one-way that you then desire, yet fear, sharing with the other half. How to reconcile that? If you open it to him now, what things that you’ve kept segregated may come back to bite you on the ass – with him – in a serious way?

    No easy answer, just be aware that this is the dilemma many here face, eh?

    1. Ps. Even if, right now, you don’t believe you’re trustworthy, others do. I do, for what it’s worth. That’s why you were on that recipient list a couple of months back. Take it to heart; I believe in you.

    2. You’re right and I know I’m certainly not alone. It’s something I have to process. I’m hoping there’s a solution where I get to eat my cake and have it, too. I won’t lie. I’m a selfish bastard. xx Hy

      1. Publish this as a novel, tell him you are writing a story about neighbors falling in love, tell him you exaggerated if he doesn’t like parts. You can have it all, nothing written here would ruin you IMO

  4. Funny timing what? : ) Hi darling. I just couldn’t stay dead. Not really. I love you dearly. Always. Blog or not. Thank you for being my stalwart in this storm.

  5. I feel this with every fiber of my being and I’m scared and exhausted too. And fuck, I still wish for 1/10th of your writing talent.

    It’ll be okay happy ending or not.
    Love,
    G

      1. He does! It would be great if we actually agreed on what is acceptable for me to think/feel/fantasize. Now I have a blog that I can share a censored version of me on, and if I shut it down he says I will resent him for finding it. The damage has been done, blogging has only made my marriage harder. Now I see that other woman don’t just blindly agree with their spouse, they actually do things that make THEM happy. And I can’t do a lot of it, or process that openly on my own space, just in comments here and there.

        So yeah, I’m here to say, I feel you because I know there isn’t a good or easy answer.

        1. Oh man… I didn’t realize it was that kind of arrangement. I’m sorry. I know that stifling feeling, which is why I shut down the old one and started this one.

          1. I’m probably making it sound worse than it is. Only I can choose to be stifled. In reality he doesn’t own me or my thoughts, he will have to accept what I write.

  6. Dearest Hy,
    Don’t we all hide things from others and compartmentalize our lives to some extent? Your work colleagues don’t get to see the same aspects of you as your family and intimate friends. The fact that you think about it and that it bothers you means your NOT an asshole! The fear of discovery is real, but I think most people here are in the same boat and are respectful of that. I think the most important thing is that you’re honest to yourself.
    Xo
    Ginger

    1. Yes, we do all compartmentalize, but it doesn’t usually involve the non-consenting participation of another :) *sigh* That’s the rub for me.

  7. You are right to worry about someone being a dick because you don’t know who reads you. Your very questioning reveals character – but that character can be tested to it’s core if TN reacted negatively…and I couldn’t tell you enough about him to identify him in a naked line-up. I say – look to Cher and Madonna ( hold on) You only have to change your mental image and transform it. You could keep TN out in a way and still keep the dissolute edge to life. I do agree that if Tn and you became a Quote “couple” – you would lose some tension – some grit some hidden desire but frankly, your smooth nature of relationship ( as it seems to me) lost some of that when you yourself changed perspective and became less needing of a verbal commitment directly from him as you believed it shoulkd be. THAT, my friend, is evolution and it’s still hot to read and intelligent to ponder and damn right your right to express here. Why do you think I call my place a diary. I used to have my eyes as an avatar – but deleted it probably when I wrote something more explicit than the last time – whenever that was. I whole-heartedly agree with every thing you stated. I also believe that you are someone who releases, processes and digests life through words. THEN – you lovingly and so beautifully share them and ruminate in the that beauty with like-minded souls around the world. Where else on this damn planet can you do that? You let me know and I’ll follow you there! Oh shit – I forgot to mention how reading your real life blog has added to my very vulnerability and willingness to love a man in a better way than I was. xo, Jayne OMG – you got Noodle to pop up again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah!

    1. Aw, thank you, Jayne. I appreciate your thoughts on this. It’s true that as I grow closer to him I feel less tension, but I shouldn’t have worried: he always manages to put the tension right back and I feel less guilty for my secrets.

      After writing this and reading everyone’s comments, I feel much more at peace with what I have going on here.

      Thanks for being a part of this. xx Hy

  8. Well if you are untrustworthy, I don’t know what that makes me…lol
    I have asked myself the same questions – how will this all end? I fear getting found out and someone finding and telling my husband. But, I forge ahead because I like you need this outlet and the attention. And you will too. But there’s one thing I know – guys aren’t nearly as angry as we think they’ll be when they find out we’ve been (or are going to) writing about them. Their identities are relatively concealed, the pictures could be of anyone, and none of their “real life” friends/family are reading about the intimate details. I find that they usually find it to be boost to their egos. But, I totally understand where you are coming from about the non consenting part. Do you think there’s any way he could find out about this? If so, I’d tell him yourself. Better to hear it straight from you. Sorry about the novel I just wrote, and for not reading the other comments before replying. If you’ve already answered/considered these things, just ignore me! :)

    1. I don’t think he’d ever find my blog unless he followed some trail of boobs (seriously, the man loves boobs and now that I’m doing Boobday… who knows what that will bring??).

      I’ve decided to NOT tell him. This is my space, my world. I work hard to protect him while sharing my life, and as other comments after yours pointed out, I can think about it much like I would a coffee clatch: if I shared everything I did with my friends in person, how would that be different?

      I agree with you, though, that he’d probably be flattered. I’m just not certain of how angry he’d be after the flattery died down.

  9. You take so much care to tread lightly, you are nothing but trustworthy. Your care and introspection on the very existence of the blog demonstrates this.

    IMHO, don’t tell TN about the blog. To do so would be to cast your relationship with him onto the roulette wheel. It may be ok, but it might destroy it. It would certainly damage his trust. To what value? You would, in the main, be asking for his blessing, his absolution from the guilt you feel. But it is your guilt, not his burden. You should keep it to yourself, as you do this blog.
    The blog has given you and many others great joy. I would suspect that without it you would have binned TN a long while ago. With it, you have managed to limp through the low times and argued out your support and commitment to him, even though many of us would have cut him out of your life. But you survived and we are pleased for you, even if it is not perfect.

    Yes, it could be that telling him turns the corner for him, crystallises out what is important with you. But do you want to take that risk?

    Whichever way you go, thank you for inviting us all along for the ride.

    1. Aw, Nick. After reading comments like yours I can’t help but agree. I am a HUGE proponent of suffering with your own guilt and not burdening another with it. Seriously.

      And, really, I have made this bed so I will continue to lay in it. We’ll see what happens. Hopefully (and probably) nothing. xx Hy

  10. I understand your feelings. I’ve had my space destroyed because someone was nosy and felt it was their right to pry. I get nervous about the photos I post and the things I reveal because I can be hurt by a friendly exchange with another anonymous blogger. It’s fragile here. I’d hate to see you stop writing, but truly understand why you would need to do it. It’s for your safety (professionally, mentally, physically, relationally) and that supersedes keeping up with a virtual world. Good luck whatever decision you make.

    1. Oh, man, that’s horrible, Cara. I’m so sorry. I am very realistic about this world we live in — this virtual one — and take my time getting to know people. I didn’t listen to my gut and I believe a blogger/commenter of mine from the recent past was a fraud. I let them in too much, but so far nothing has happened. They had their agenda, I suppose, and I am ok with whatever repercussions. I believe we all have something to lose, so I won’t worry too much about it.

      I’m not going to stop writing. Ever. I don’t know if Hyacinth will always be the vehicle, but it’s done now: I’m a writer. :)

  11. Several times in your post you were writing as if you were the only one with a secret sex blog… you’re not alone. It seems like most of the blogs I read are in secret. Some of them have gone through the pains of being discovered. Some disastrously so. Others have flourished and grown into wonderful things. I know none of this is helpful, but please hold onto the idea that you are not alone. We’re all here. For you. For each other.

    My blog is a secret to most, but not to all. It also isn’t really a “sex blog” whatever that really means… Because it isn’t secret I cannot fully express myself. Times that I let loose a bit are met with questioning. I hate being questioned. Everything comes with a price… sometimes it is a price you’re happy to pay, other times you wince. Sometimes it bleeds you dry. Again, not helping. I know. Still… you have a freedom that some cannot obtain or afford. Relish it.

    Best of luck Hy. xx

    1. I love what Beatnik said about everything having a price. Sometimes we’re thrilled to pay it, and other times it leaves us devastated. It can go either way with the relationships we openly discuss on our blogs. Like so many other comments say, there is no easy answer. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, and she announced it on her blog.

      All our friends now know a very slanted (and inaccurate from my POV) version of what happened, and I was crushed. I felt vulnerable and exposed and my life offered up to public scrutiny during a time when I’m emotionally wounded, but that’s what I do with every post on MY blog. When we first started dating, we gave each other consent to post whatever we wanted about the other. It’s great when it’s great, and it sucks shit when it isn’t. However, she has the right to write whatever she wants. (and it gives me a lot of insight as to why I know breaking up was the right thing.)

      I have an odd mishmash of people who know me as Heather and people who know me as ___. I try to keep things anonymous as far as my child is concerned, to protect her from the ignorant and cruel people of the world and her father. But even with my partners who KNOW that they’re probably going to be mentioned on the blog, it still stirs up reactions. I’ve really had to step up my communication skills, because I was talking more on Vagina Antics than I was to the boyfriends. (BTW, I think it’s a good thing that you took TN’s pics down. That consent thing being what it is, but I don’t think you were a bad person to post them in the first place.)

      I suppose this is a very long way of saying, secret virtual lives offer a steep learning curve with some dangerous cliffs, but the ride is fucking amazing. Hy, you have a writing gift and an incredible life both virtual and real. I feel privileged being able to peek into your bedroom (and now you’ve been in mine!) and I thank you for it! Even if you disclose to TN what you’re writing, it’s no guarantee that there won’t be other conflict inspired by your posts. There’s no easy solution, but I admire that you’re thinking about this. It’s the best we can do; look at ourselves, examine our motives, and do the best we can. Hugs and boob smooshes, Heather xoxo

      1. Jeez, Heather, that SUCKS. I’ so sorry about your exgf. What a mess. I’m glad it proved you did the right thing, however. What an odd blessing that was.

        I feel much better now that I’ve removed all his pics and made a new policy. I also feel better now that all of you have chimed in and given me your two cents. I need a tribe to calibrate sometimes.

        Thank you for your kind words about my writing and thank you for being a part of my world. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Big hugs and boob smooshes back to you. xx Hy

    2. Beat, I know I’m not alone, but it’s not something we talk about very often. I’ve been overwhelmed with all the thoughtful responses and points of view since posting this — yours included. Thank you.

      I have decided that the price I pay for my freedom here is guilt and conflict. But, I should be used to that by now. :) xx Hy

  12. Reblogged this on A Life Un-Lived and commented:
    I’ll hang out here and read as long as you’re here. I’ve been blogging since about 2001, and blogs come and go, and some even get deleted, and all have been and remain anonymous. With the rest of the world, I am face to face, or written on paper, or out in public for all to see. Perhaps you, like me, need a place that is private from your friends and neighbors, but public to the world.

    Perhaps by writing out our longing in this “place” we connect with people we might otherwise never meet. What we hide to the world around us gets exposed in a special way to special people who seek us, or find us among others of like ilk, and suddenly we’re more real to a few special people for whom we would not otherwise exist, and they for us.

    We are all like this, out among our daily grind, and one day we cease, blog or not, journal or not, friends or not, family or not. What a melancholy thought: your blog may die, and you may remain, whereas you will die, and the blog will remain. This, I think, is why we write, and why we write in these places, and in these ways.

    1. Tteclod, unless I get hit by a bus, I will never just disappear. But you’re right, we all have our reasons for coming and going and we all have our reasons for being here.

  13. Hy, my love,

    I couldn’t empathize with you more. Every time I write here, every detail described… every last word makes me feel near insufferable guilt. I feel guilt for what I’ve written about my boyfriend, I feel (slightly) censored and a (little) stifled, knowing that Sir reads the blog, but glad for it too, because it forces me to maintain something of a rein on my unreliable feelings and emotions, and it forces me to talk things out with him rather than ranting.

    I worry that my blog will end my career before it starts, I worry that someone will find me, recognize me, stalk me (I’ve been stalked before, though not because of anything online). I wonder (sometimes) if Sir is too nice to say anything to me, if maybe he hates that I write my stupid blog and I divulge all details about the way he looks, the way he loves (or doesn’t) the way he fucks.

    I want to say something to make you feel better. I feel love and have love for you, even if it is only through these secret, shameful blogs that we know each other. I think and feel that you are trustworthy. I want you to be happy. I think that you have done a good job at anonymity, but I understand feeling that too much is still never enough.

    xoxo

    1. I just saw this on my twitter and came over to read. My two cents- if it doesn’t feel “organic” to you, that’s your answer. You don’t write half as much as you used to it seems. So maybe unconsciously you’re already separating, slowly but surely. My thoughts. You want the relationship with TN to be official and writing a secret blog about it makes it seem less so? Hence the removal of his pix. It’s one thing to post pix of some guy you have sex with, another to post photos of your partner – if they aren’t in the know.

      1. This Ella is in agreement as well. I’d say lose the pictures of TN but keep writing about your life. I push the edge of my personal identity all the time, but I would never put a photo of my lover online without his permission. Maybe toy with the idea of telling him about the desire for exhibition and maybe the two of you could manage a blog together?

        Kitty pictures, however, are totally acceptable – I mean seriously – there are like a million cats in the world and they all look the same. Just saying . . .

        1. I agree that I crossed a line in posting his pics without his consent. I feel much better and a lot more centered now that I’ve made a clear policy for myself and taken down the old pics. Sadly, we’ll never manage a blog together. He’d have no interest in it! ha

          And I haven’t forgotten about you! You’ll be getting a pussy shot soon!!

      2. It’s just a coincidence that I write less. I have a million jobs these days and much less time than before, though I can’t rule out some unconscious motivation.

        Re: the pics, yes, I feel 100x better now that I’ve taken them down. I feel there’s integrity in that and I feel fortified to keep doing this.

    2. Well, I’m glad I’m not alone. I basically believe that anyone who chooses to read a blog wherein they are a character has to take it with a grain of salt. I am certain your Sir would do whatever he pleased regardless of what you wrote in your blog. Meaning, if he were turned off by what he read, you wouldn’t be seeing him, you know?

      I wish I could alleviate your fears about your career, but I’m in the same boat. Isn’t it amazing that sharing what we do with our bodies is such a threat? It’s unbelievable, really. If you got caught killing someone you’d have basically the same repercussions as you would having your sex life aired. So dumb.

      Hang in there yourself, honey. I’m so happy you’re here with me. xx Hy

  14. I think most people have already covered the high points so I can only offer my support. The novel is already written here, you just need to flesh it out and I hope the end of it includes some sort of wedding or at least, moving into a duplex with you on one side of the house and TN on the other. You could share a back yard with a pool and a joined balcony to look out over it. Who knows?

    You ask questions that I think most secret bloggers have to ask themselves at some point. We end up removing those secret pictures we posted of our unsuspecting partners and remove a few of the posts that might be more hurtful if discovered, but in the end, this outlet is more important than the risk.

    None of us can do the risk analysis for you on every single post you have written, but I suspect in the end, TN would be flattered.

    1. Thanks JFB. You’re right, the novel is already written and a duplex sounds lovely, but it’s still only in my dreams.

      I like that you say “we end up removing those secret pictures we posted… and remove a few of the posts that might be more hurtful if discovered.” I feel less alone in my mistakes. We never talk about this as a community, so, while I knew I couldn’t possible be alone in all this, I really wasn’t sure.

      TN, hopefully, will never find this blog. Maybe I’ll give him a copy of the book, though :)

  15. My blog has always been read by my partner/ potentials, and your comment about how your voice changes when people you write about read your blog was spot-on.

    The boys I write about in my blog read what I write, and I have to consider that when I put it out there. I have to consider it for *my* sake as well as for their sake, and that comes at a cost.

    I refuse to use my blog as some sort of passive-aggressive communication tool, and that means that if I haven’t talked about something with the person involved, then I won’t write about it because that doesn’t sit well with me. And goodness knows, there’s a whole mess of stuff in my head that I have absolutely no intention of blurting out to some potential boy who I am interested in and might be starting to date (even if I’d have no trouble sharing it with a bunch of internet people (so strange, that, but true)). Maybe I think it would hurt him, or maybe it’s a moment of anger/upset that is gone in a flash but that becomes some big thing because I’ve put it on the page, or maybe it’s something that reveals me in a way I am not ready for him to see yet. So I keep it to myself and put restrictions on what I write because I have to consider that it has real world impacts for me and those I know and care about.

    My point: Either way has challenges, and there is no easy answer.

    Good luck with figuring out what works best for you, and for what it’s worth… I don’t think that having a secret sex blog makes you untrustworthy (of course, I WOULD say that wouldn’t I? *smile*).

    Ferns

    1. Like Ferns, my boys know about my blog so I’m not challenged with the “what ifs” that you are.

      The downside is that as my blog matures, I feel less comfortable sharing the details I once did. My audience is larger and is now comprised of exes, current potentials, real life friends and even a current girlfriend of an ex. I tell myself it’s my outlet, my safe place to express my thoughts but the reality is that it’s no longer that because of my audience. And because of that, I don’t write about many things that I’d like to and that makes me also question whether or not I should shut it down.

      Every so often I get a message of appreciation from a reader saying they’ve learned something or become more open to ideas because of my blog. I’ll probably keep my blog open as long as I keep getting that feedback and have something to say. But I do understand your conflicted feelings and send you hugs as you sort through this and determine your own path.

      1. Lilyana, I really appreciate what you’ve shared here. It’s a reminder that my cost for freedom is this internal, questioning conflict. I would much rather have that, than feel stifled — I hated it when I wrote that way before. I guess I should just suck it up and decide to commit to this kind of writing, flaws and all.

        And your readers are right: don’t quit what you’ve built. Or, at the very least, don’t shut it down. You can always start up a Super Secret Sex Blog for other stuff! hehe

        Thanks for the hugs. I like hugs :)

    2. Ferns, I commend you on your honesty and forthrightness with your partners. My old blogs had my partners’ eyes on them and you’re right, it forced me to either communicate better or to hide my feelings altogther because I refused to communicate passively through my writings, too.

      But this blog is my real brain, not the pretty brain I like to present to the world. That flash anger, the impetuous post, the feverishly paddling legs beneath the surface is EXACTLY what I’d be horrified for TN to ever read, because generally, to him, I am a level-headed woman. I am measured, kind, and logical in an emotional sort of way. He has no idea I’ve thrashed all over the map like a fool for months here and there.

      And I appreciate your comment about my trustworthiness. I don’t care if you WOULD say that, or not :) xx Hy

  16. Hy,
    Take a deep breath. (I bet you look lovely doing so!), and relax.
    You’ve done nothing wrong. Never stop expressing yourself…ever.
    We love you and are here for you.
    Be well.
    The Hook.

  17. My Dearest Hy,
    Like you, “I don’t believe it’s a failing to need others.” Because it isn’t! I know how terrifying and exhilarating this blog business can be and I know that I could not stay away from it for long, no matter what the circumstances might be. I’ve made too many beautiful friends here, friends who for no good reason understand what I feel and how challenging it is to continue…breathing.

    Sometimes I want to take you in my arms and squeeze you and make you believe how incredible you are. You make a difference.

    Je t’aime,
    Dawn

  18. As you say your blog and your real life are both you. There’s nothing wrong with discussing different parts of your life with different groups of people and that’s all this is.
    You call it a ‘secret’ sex blog and sure, there are people in your life who don’t know about it but it doesn’t make you untrustworthy, or dishonest just selective.

    Your biggest concern seems to be how TN might take finding it. That’s a real concern.
    What if you had a group of coffee morning friends you gossipped about your sex life with? Would you tell him? How? What would you do if he overheard one day?

    Decide what feels right to you and do it.

    My gut feel is that earlier disclosure is better but then I’ve always told anyone who appears in my blog before writing anything substantial about them. I felt they had a right to know but that’s just me.

    The fact that you’re thinking about this means that you’re not a bad person. You’ll find a solution that feels right.

    Faile x

    1. Thank you for reassuring me that I’m not a piece of shit :) No, really. And your coffee group analogy is spot on. I can’t disagree with that; of course I wouldn’t tell him.

      I’m not so worried about TN anymore after writing this post and getting so much thoughtful support. I can handle it. It’s going to end one day, anyway, and if that’s the last straw, then so be it, though I seriously doubt he’d ever find this. If he does… I’ll have to take it on the chin.

      I won’t be disclosing anything to anyone ever about this blog. It’s been a year and a half of total creative freedom. I could never go back to the muzzled writing I experienced before. It’s totally pointless for me. xx Hy

  19. Slowly catching up on blogs.
    Missed you, Hy!
    I hope that you find a compromise between your two halves. It would be a shame to see you go, but I understand completely, the need to recollect the pieces of yourself and have that control over your own thoughts and most intimate details of life.
    xoxo

  20. I can feel your frustration… And the panic of revealing too much info is very familiar… Your an adult and you do what you want and if your not enjoying your blog anymore, delete it. You can always start again later.

  21. Wow!
    As moved as i was by this post, I was not going to comment. Your more intimate friends have already pretty much covered all the bases as far as I can see, and any additional commentary by a relative stranger seemed superfluous. But then I was notified of your next post, the ” I Always Feel Like Shit …” one.

    I realize that I’m a bit of a “lurker”. I have seldom commented on your writing other than the occasional “like”. But of the dozens of blogs I read, you are one of the half dozen that I have asked to be notified of via email because i never want to miss anything that you write. And, although I DO love the “sexy bits”, that’s not why I have subscribed. You have a style that I find compelling, a completely human set of dilemmas and feelings that I relate to, and a way of asking the questions that afterwards I find myself examining for myself. (Plus … there’s Boobday! LOL!)

    We all have our secret selves. Aspects of ourselves that we divulge to only a select few and some that we divulge to no one. In my case, what Dave referred to as compartmentalization has taken the form of eight separate blogs, each of which I use to express different facets of myself, and three of which I have shared with NO one..

    And I truly think that is what it is. You are a jewel, lovely lady! Not so much compartmentalization, but facets. Different ways of looking at you evoke different glittering views, all of which, even the uglier or more embarrassing ones, are quite beautiful. Regardless of what happens in the future, it’s been a very real pleasure to have been privileged to have you share.

    As i said, I don’t know that I have anything of any import to add to the fascinating and quite perceptive comments that have already been posted. I just wanted you to know that what you have done here was greatly appreciated by me, and i suspect, many thousands of others that you will most likely never hear from.

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