I have a secret sex blog that won’t be secret for much longer.

Twenty-six months ago, in December of 2011, I started this blog.  I was alone, heartbroken, sexually awakened, lustful, sad, hopeful, terrified.  I was wild with passion to mask my pain and I used men and my body to slake the thirst that oozed from me morning, noon, and night.  I was quite a sight.

For a year prior to that fateful day in mid-December a typical week would consist of 2 or 3 dates with different men.  Sometimes I would sleep with them, sometimes I wouldn’t.  I would dress provocatively, yet tastefully, allow a spaghetti strap to fall and absent-mindedly pull it back up.  I would lean in close and listen to their every important word and hide behind their disclosures, then put my hand on their knee, in control and flirty, filled up and never fooled.  I’d dip into their mouths or fall onto their cocks with abandon.   Happy, distant, very busy.

In my despair I was able to create a space of comfort and control.  I was distracted in a productive, healing way.  I did what I needed to do unapologetically.  I met good men and I met some lousy ones, but they all were a brick in the wall around my heart.  Until one day, I didn’t want to lay another brick.  I froze my acquisition spree and held 4 men in my  hands: Phillip, Kevin, Jason, and The Neighbor.

::

My journey to blogging isn’t a mystery to me, though it may be to all of you.  When I was married and a stay-at-home-mom I blogged.  And when things began to change I blogged then, too.  It wasn’t until I was about to move out of my marital home that an important man I’d met online, Big Tex, suggested I write about sex, too.  And so I did.

He encouraged me to use my words in titillating absolution; he supported my silly endeavor and encouraged me to keep going when I got shy.  He helped me find my new voice, one other than that of mother.

It was a different blog name back then with very different characters, but what I discovered was that I rather liked reliving my wild trysts with Troy and others.  I switched blogs once more to better reflect my new life and kept on writing, but I had made the mistake early on of sharing my writings with Troy and Lina and others who weren’t as safe as Big Tex, so as things became less pleasant for me I found my outlet not my own.  I had made the fatal mistake of sharing my blog with people who knew me.

I shut down that blog and was creatively homeless for 2 months before I couldn’t stand it anymore.  Writing had stealthily welded itself to my marrow over the course of the previous several years and not writing created only more blackness inside of me.  It was this darkness, this need for connection, discourse, and creativity that drove me to start writing again.  I finally had to admit I was a writer.

I switched blogging platforms to WP, found a title that very much matched my behavior and feelings over the previous 12 months — A Dissolute Life Means… — and promised myself to not make the same mistakes regarding disclosure that I had with my previous blogs.  It would remain a secret, my ego forever in check, my drunken desires for confession squashed dead at arrival, my need for approval a private matter.

Two weeks prior to this decision, I met The Neighbor.

::

I had no way of knowing that 2 years later he and I would be in love.  Or that he would be my very best friend.  It started out fun and surprising.  He matched my passion, appreciated my humor, and did things to my body I thought no one could.  We assured each other it would only be a friends with benefits kind of thing, but a handful of months later it began to unravel when I stumbled upon him on a date he had kept secret from me.  That night was eventful: I realized I loved him and I “met” Noodle for the first time.

A few more months and more heart-wrenching longing later, he left me for a woman I called 4 am girl (f.k.a. Pisspants for you longtime readers).  That, he says, is when he realized he was in love with me.  But because this is a tale of two flawed people, he kept it to himself and dated her for 6 short, but agonizing weeks.

In the months following 4 am girl we hobbled along.  I was still certainly in love, but furious with him for hurting me.  I was also confused, embarrassed, happy.   Yet again a big, fat hot mess, but I kept on.

I couldn’t break up with him, though I’d tried numerous times.  Our connection and proximity made it impossible.  And frankly, I didn’t see the need.

We spent more time together, learned to communicate better, and embarked on a different power dynamic that made something in me sing and we lurched yet another step forward, blind as newborn kittens but compelled to grow nonetheless.

As my anger faded my guilt rose regarding the blog: should I tell him about it?

When I was angry and we were clearly not in a relationship it was an easy answer: it was none of his business; what would it hurt?  But as we grew closer I began to question the ethics of my decision, so I battened down the hatches to safeguard my privacy and our identities.

I purchased a VPN for both my computers and my phone; I made a secret email account; I paid for StatCounter which I keep secret; I got a secret PayPal account; I refused prizes that had to be mailed to me and asked for gift cards instead; I’ve deleted browser tabs with the blog on it before I share my computer screens with TN; I opted out of opportunities to broaden my network in person via sex blogging conventions; my computers were set to save zero history; there is no auto-fill in their search boxes; I’ve avoided social media which I might accidentally get mixed up with my own real life personal ones, so I don’t do Instagram or FB as Hyacinth or Twitter as “me,”; I’ve painstakingly deleted all my copyrighted photos so as not to accidentally give away my URL; and lastly I have made up an association with a friend (Noodle) so as to not have to explain how she and I met, as well as with various other characters in my life who’ve come and gone into my personal realm (Gillian and Ella to name two who are no longer with us in our blog-o-verse here).

I never lie outright to TN, but there is a lot of omission going on.  I think I told him I met Noodle through my blog, the assumption being the retired one.  I never clarified, but left it up to him to be curious.  He never really was.

But all of this won’t matter if he feels betrayed.  I wouldn’t exactly blame him, but I hope he can forgive me and get on board.  If he feels betrayed, then I have to own that and figure it all out.

I’ve also come to believe that TN might actually be a little flattered by all of this and maybe — maybe — even a little proud of me.  I have grown my stupidly wild life and tales into a little tiny community of brilliant, open, loving, sexy people.  I’m kind of proud of me.

I can’t begin to fathom how he will react.  It’s just another unknown.

::

I told myself months ago while wrestling with this secret that I would tell him if he ever told me he loved me, because in that instant it would change the scene from me brokenly pining after a man who wasn’t interested in me to me loving a man who loved me back.  I would now be accountable for us, not just me venting solo on the internet.  He would deserve to know.

In a strange twist of emotions, I can’t wait to tell him.  I want to show him Boobday and have him meet all of you.  I want him to see how I see him: beautiful, intelligent, sexy, kind, loving, quirky, funny, complicated, and above all else worthy of all my efforts and affection.  I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today without his influence.

I want him to see the journey, how I’ve gone from fearful to daring with my heart and gone out of my way to let him tell me his story in his own way and never speak for him; I want him to know that even though he might feel that we have few real life supporters, we actually have a small army of them here.

I used to say that I knew he loved me, but would never hear the words slip from his mouth.  It is pure paradise whenever I hear it now.  Of course, I still don’t know what the future holds, but then again I never knew, so I haven’t lost a thing.

::

I’m not sure what my goal is in revealing my secret blog to him other than the basic sense that it’s time to move on to the next phase of this whole thing.  I trust him with my life, why can’t I trust him with this?

I know that some of you are adamantly against me revealing this blog to him and to you folks I ask to what end?  I doubt I’ll blog here forever or even for a decade, but my relationship with him may last as long as either of those times.  I have no way of knowing.  And my blog, as important as it is to me, is not more important than my relationship with him.   Writing, on the other hand, is different.  I will always write, just not necssarily about the details of my sex life.

Having said all that, I am still afraid.  My hopefulness has its limits and I fear I will lose him, but the clock is pushing me: the longer I wait, the bigger the secret.  I have to do this.

I’ve never presumed to know what he is thinking or feeling in the past and so I’m not going to start now.  I must be brave and patient.  I will tell him and I will wait for him to show me his cards.

Maybe he’ll be holding the King and Queen of Hearts.

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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60 thoughts on “I have a secret sex blog that won’t be secret for much longer.
  1. I’m one of many that have felt your frustration and abandon, feeling mixed with the searching and dreams. There has been a change mixed with the journey and I’ve kept fingers crossed with my own hopes. We might never see the turns in the path before us until we get there, but I wish you as smooth a path as we can have in these times….

  2. Oh my. I wish you so much luck if this is what you decide to do. (I’m sure you have thought of it, but another alternative MIGHT be just to dissolve this blog as if it never happened. That way there are no future secrets and no threats from the written past). But I know you are wise, and good fortune seems to be following you now. No matter what happens, I only wish you well and much love.

    Mike

    1. But I don’t want to dissolve it before I have to! I love this place, the history, all of you! And what if TN becomes a part of it? I’d have erased something wonderful out of fear. I’m a big girl, I can handle any fall out, I promise.

      And, as always, thank you for your love and support, Mike. Don’t go away, ok? I need you here!

  3. My thoughts are simple.and will guide me on the day when I decide to shut down the Advizor side of my life. When it has served it purpose I will quietly close down and leave it behind, but i see no need to tell anyone about it. You may want him to see the journey, to give him credit for the wonderful person he’s become, but don’t. If you need to leave us, leave, or start a new blog, or write a book but he will not see it as you see it. I hope you are right, but I fear that I am. Give him credit in your kisses, but don’t give him the keys to your past.

    1. Maybe it’s my Achilles heel, but I don’t want to just walk away from this. I’m it ready for that at all. If he asks it of me, then I will deal with that if it comes.

      Perhaps I am being naive or greedy or just downright stupid. I’m not sure. I just feel like today, I’m ready to see what happens. And I hope I won’t regret it…

  4. If he dares to venture here as a commenter, I hope we don’t scare him with our (mostly) jubilant, effusive greetings.

    I applaud you for being willing to share this with him. I hope (for your sake and your readers) that he approves and is proud of you so that you feel free to continue writing in this space. ((HUGS))

    1. Thanks, Kayla. It’ll be interesting to see how my readers fall: for or against?

      And I can quite honestly feel your hugs. Thanks, I need them. The first couple of comments have me feeling shaky! 🙂

      1. I will not be surprised if his initial reaction is less than favorable – it’s got to be shocking to discover that someone you love has been running a super-secret-sex-blog. That being said, once he realizes this is a glimpse into your soul, I believe he will be proud of you – even if he asks that you not continue writing about your relationship.

        Your relationship is much more important than this specific blog (as much as we all love you). This (writing) is as much a part of you as your eye-color or hair-color. I think you would do yourself and TN a disservice by not sharing it with him and pretending it never existed.

        Here are some more ((HUGS))

  5. I’ll be here for you, one way or another. I’m hoping that this turns out to be glorious, because in the end… I really, really would like you to be happy.

    It’s such a big step, and I am unbelievably proud of you for taking the leap.

    Xoxo

    1. Thank you, Fay. It just doesn’t feel right this way anymore and I can think of no other solution than to share.

      You’re awesome and I’m happy you’re at least proud of me haha. No one else may be!

  6. Although it’s very different in many ways (and not so different in others) than my relationship with M, I can tell you my experience. Knowing he’s reading changed the way I write. I don’t tend to bitch as much, especially about him. And there are those moments that I write, and it let’s him in, in a way that just saying the words can’t. And when he reread the past, the things I never intended for his eyes, he was able to see how I really felt, and know how much I truely love him. I’ve watched the relationship with you and TN develop and change over these past two+ years, and I think he’ll be pleased, after it all sinks in. And believe me, it will take some time to sink in. It’s funny, dear, because I think the first time I ever commented here, was on a post, long ago, where I scoulded you for not using a condom with TN. Hehe. If only we had known where it would go then! *hugs and kisses*

    1. My biggest fear is that I’m wrong about this and there will be no amount of “sinking in,” however, I’m just hopeful enough to think he’d really, really be pleased by all of this. He’s a proud, yet sensitive man and I doubt he’ll like reading how he hurt me, but it’s never been my intention for him to read it. Maybe he won’t. Who knows?

      And I don’t think it will change my writing too much at this point. We’re at a good place, first of all, and secondly, I’ve never “bitched” about him here. Yes, I’ve shared the struggles of my feelings for him, and the occasional shocking conversations we’ve had where my head is in knots, but I avoid the rest. I focus on the dynamic and the sex, but maybe that’s how I’d read it; he might read it in a very different way.

      Ugh… who knows! Thank you for the hugs and kisses!!

  7. Hy,
    I think what you are doing is beautiful, adventurous and commendable. We all know it’s not easy to open yourself up to someone, to expose your heart, soul and spirit. But the rewards for doing so are greater than any pain felt from rejection. Best wishes to you both as you continue your journey with each other.
    xoxo

  8. Firstly, so many wonderfully supportive comments….
    Gorgeous Hy, you are a such an incredibly amazing woman! I’m not sure just how long I’ve been following your blog & participating in boobday & sharing some of your posts with friends, though I know it’s got to be just over a year or more… My participation & all I’ve read to date, including the comments from your now familiar & cherished followers, has made me laugh out loud, melt with ecstasy & desire, cry like a baby, cheer you on with my support & proudly show my boobs on boobday! Your blog & comments in return have also been an incredible support during a very tough transition throughout 2013.

    The only advice I would offer, is to go with your gut, it generally doesn’t let you down…doesn’t mean it may not be bumpy! & irrespective of how it turns out, I’m confident that both you & TN will come through that too…
    Bear hugs coming your way.

    1. Thank you Anon Aussie. I appreciate your support and presence here more than you know! I’m so glad to know that my little blog was a help to you in some way. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. 🙂

      I hope my gut is right and I really do believe that TN and I will get through this 🙂

  9. I am 100% behind you in spirit. It’s going to be ok. My guess is that you know that to be true somewhere deep down…and what do you mean? He HAS you as the Queen of Hearts. Yes – that’s kind of cheezy but very true. He’s smart enough to learn of this and be happy. From my perspective, I have always liked him because he doesn’t play games. He is who he is and doesn’t try and fit a mold. Remember though, it’s all in the delivery. It’s a positive thing to you – show him how it is just that and he’ll be fine. XOXO Jayne

  10. I’ve been following your blog for 12ish months now and FWIW I am none the wiser as to your real identity, and even less so for TN. I mention that only for his benefit, in case he is fearful “we” will all suddenly know who he is. We don’t, and we won’t, unless you decide to publish your real names and photos and (for good measure) your places of work and (if it’s not too much trouble) a google map link…
    So by all means, continue blogging – under your psuedonyms – and share it with each other (and us). Just don’t go telling your real world friends and you shouldn’t have any trouble.

    1. Thanks for your thoughts on that, Nero. I always wonder if I’ve blown my cover despite my best efforts to keep myself hidden.

      I’ll keep blogging if I can, I promise.

      Map is in the mail!

  11. Hey, you-

    I’ll say the same thing I’ve said every time this question has come up: do what you feel is best for you. That’s all that matters here: what will be best for your future and your happiness. TN, and the growing relationship y’all have makes you happy; this community and this presence makes you happy. Reach in yourself and see what growth you’ve had, changes, and what has been related to that. Take it from there. Whatever way you decide – that’s what *I* want to see.

    On one hand, the robotic INTJ side of me says that this question comes up and will keep coming up until you make a decision and enact on it. Maybe it’s time to act, so you can nail that question closed… and then move on to whatever the next question is. 😉

    On the other hand – believe it or not – I’m a hopeless romantic idealist. Recently, I made conscious choice to give my very best and everything I can to someone who means the world to me. It didn’t mean at the expense of other things important to me; I’ll do everything I could to meld them together without loss. And trust that everything will be okay – even though I don’t have the vision to say it will with certainty. But, for those who matter, sometimes you’ve gotta take that leap of faith with both feet. That’s what makes life alive.

    Just be good to yourself; that’s all that matters to me, eh.

    1. Thanks, Dave. How would you feel to discover a blog which revolved almost entirely around your sexual prowess, kinks, and relationship? I’m scared to tell him, yet definitely ready. How can I feel both simultaneously?? It’s so weird… I dunno. I’m almost as scared to tell him about the blog as I was that I love him… I just want my cake and to eat it, too. I’ll be honest about that. xx

      1. Me? I’d be flattered and happy. But my happiness would be that it wasn’t compartmentalized any longer from me. Do you believe he’d be reluctant to talk about that stuff with his peer group?

        Sure, you want your cake and eat it too – who doesn’t? But in the end, that keeps gnawing at you – you’ve brought this up for over a year eh.

  12. I loved reading this. I think you should tell him, but you know that. I think I’ve said so already, haven’t I? I haven’t been part of this blog-world long, but reading your blog certainly has helped me figure out what, how I wanted to be. You need to trust your instincts on this, just as much as you trusted them in telling him your feelings. I think this post is just what he needs to read to understand. I mean, it explains why you didn’t want to share with him at first, and why you need to, now. And it shows how much you love him. As many have said, and as you’ve said yourself, it might be a bumpy road. But who said bumps can’t be fun? And think of the joy of finally reaching the smooth road together… or alone in the worst case scenario. As Caitlyn said, sometimes, writing something knowing that he will read it may be a way of sharing deep thoughts, deep feelings that might feel too hard to share out loud at first.
    But whatever comes of your decision, and however sorry I would be to see you, to see this blog, disappear, you need to do what feels right in your life. Good luck.
    Much love too 🙂
    XO

    1. Thank you, Dawn. I think you’re right to trust my instincts. They haven’t led me astray yet! And in the beginning there was a lot of opposition to me staying with him (even from him!), but my gut told me to stay and here I am.

      And don’t worry, I won’t put this blog ahead of my life; I’ll make the right decisions. Thank you for the love. xx Hy

  13. I have faith in TN. A very long time ago when some others (certainly not everyone) suggested it might not be meant to be, I had faith in the man next door. You do realize that you already have more than enough her for a book and/or a movie, surely TN will want to be famous! Instead of showing him the blog, why not let him read the first draft of your novel?

    1. You always did! You thought he was in love with me when I couldn’t possibly see how that was true.

      And I guess you’re right… I do have enough for a book. It could end on a positive note right now, huh?

  14. Hy. You are right, ‘we’ will be here no matter what happens. You know my reservations on this one, but you are right in that you have to move on in your life with him. And, if you do share this, TN should become immensely proud of the woman that has loved him for so long and so faithfully.
    I think Caitlyn – fka LSAM;-) – and G are the only ones here that has been through the sharing of a blog with it’s main subject. That it was a difficult time is indisputable, but they survived and grew from it, as Caitlyn says above.
    Your relationship with TN recently had a big change when he said he loved you. If this was his Crossing of the Rubicon moment, I think it frees you to make your own gesture of faith in him. I hope he does not fumble it, or you.

    1. G and LSAM had marriage as their backdrop, though, so I’m not sure it’s exactly the same. Though Dumb Domme’s J discovered her blog and he was fine with it (by all accounts). I hope we’re like them: just go about our usual thing and that’s it. NBD.

      My relationship with him is the second most important one to me and I certainly don’t like the idea of jeopardizing it, but I feel by not telling him I’m still jeopardizing it, but in an unethical way. I hope we don’t fumble it, either.

      1. Hy,

        I applaud you for wanting to tell TN and I certainly don’t mean to dissuade you. If you don’t feel right about writing about him without his knowledge, then you should do something about it. That something is up to you, of course.

        But, in the interest of making your decision with the best information possible, I need to correct the record.

        First, the way TN will find out about your blog (if you tell him) is very different than the way J found out about mine. J stumbled across my blog on his own… and he didn’t tell me about his discovery for a month (which gave him time to process his feelings).

        Second, by his own account, he wasn’t fine (at first) — it was a big deal:

        ”my knee-jerk reaction was to be angry and upset that D had created such a public forum to discuss something deeply personal and private. All the caution and discretion used creating and maintaining it kept our identities hidden, but the content of what is here made me feel vulnerable and exposed.” (from J’s response to a question about how he felt when he discovered my secret blog)

        He was hurt and angry, I just didn’t know it because he had time to cool off before it was all out in the open. During that month, (ironically) he went from feeling angry and hurt by my secret to feeling guilty about his secret.

        I suspect that the time, his guilt, and our D/s dynamic all worked in my favor to temper his initial negative responses. He had them, I just wasn’t aware of them until they had passed.

        I’m sure none of this helps, and I’m sorry for that. I just want you to be aware of what really happened with us before you decide what to do about your situation.

        As always, I’m pulling for you. 🙂

      2. Hy,

        I applaud you for wanting to tell TN and I certainly don’t mean to dissuade you. If you don’t feel right about writing about him without his knowledge, then you should do something about it. That something is up to you, of course.

        But, in the interest of making your decision with the best information possible, I need to correct the record.

        First, the way TN will find out about your blog (if you tell him) is very different than the way J found out about mine. J stumbled across my blog on his own… and he didn’t tell me about his discovery for a month (which gave him time to process his feelings).

        Second, by his own account, he wasn’t fine (at first) — it was a big deal:

        ”my knee-jerk reaction was to be angry and upset that D had created such a public forum to discuss something deeply personal and private. All the caution and discretion used creating and maintaining it kept our identities hidden, but the content of what is here made me feel vulnerable and exposed.” (from J’s response to a question about how he felt when he discovered my secret blog)

        He was hurt and angry, I just didn’t know it because he had time to cool off before it was all out in the open. During that month, (ironically) he went from feeling angry and hurt by my secret to feeling guilty about his secret.

        I suspect that the time, his guilt, and our D/s dynamic all worked in my favor to temper his initial negative responses. He had them, I just wasn’t aware of them until they had passed.

        I’m sure none of this helps, and I’m sorry for that. I just want you to be aware of what really happened with us before you decide what to do about your situation.

        As always, I’m pulling for you. 🙂

  15. He has surprised you before, and I hope with all the hope that exists that he’ll surprise you again, and be proud of you for having an outlet of expression. Your internet boyfriend is no threat to TN. xxoo

  16. Good luck! I wish I had a more secure and special piece of this history than being an observer. Life…you seem to be a couple years ahead of me in this, oddly.

  17. I’ve been writing about before and always found it flattering. Well, almost always…

    Anyway, I have to commend you for telling him and I hope it goes well. I hope you’ll tell us how it went.

  18. My dear Hy your happiness is a wonderful thought to dwell upon. From the first I have had no doubt that this is how things would work out. If this was to be the closing page of your fairy tale it will stand comparison against the classics as a masterfully woven tale of the heroine over coming all odds to win the affections of her prince.
    It has been my experience that when eating or feeding someone it is best to cut things into small pieces to avoid choking. To much at once and we begin not to focus on what has been said but on how we feel.
    Best wishes and xxx’s

    JCS

  19. It is amazing how people change in such a period.

    Time allows us to explore, learn and grow from times that we fall and rise again to new adventures and new possibilites. Its amazing to read how others went through their own difficulties and when they had times of doubt. Your start is somehow similiar to mine yet once you meet this right person, it somehow changes. I’m aware of this and experiencing this myself right now.
    Thank you dearly for following my blog and I am delighted by reading your entries. Thanks for sharing.
    xox

  20. I hope everything works out well for you. I can’t imagine someone loving you and not being proud of you and supporting what you have done with your blog. It is after all, a big part of you!

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