Love really does conquer all.

It’s been a stressful, scary day today.  Someone came out of the shadows this morning and let me know in no uncertain terms that they know who I am and what it is I do for a living.

And so with tears in my eyes, I had to tell TN not only was there a blog out there where he was the central character, but also someone who was threatening my anonymity (By virtue of calling me out. No actual threat was made).

His response was something along the lines of, “Who is that sonofabitch?” and “I don’t care that you’ve been writing about me, I’m rather flattered, and a little proud of you.”

Thanks for all the love and support, everyone.  Looks like the majority of you were right: I had nothing to fear in the end.

I’ll write more tomorrow.

xx

Hy

PS: I’m still in utter disbelief…

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

You Might Also Like

75 thoughts on “Love really does conquer all.
  1. I, personally, am proud of you taking the leap of faith and telling him. And that it went well (though I never really doubted that eh).

    As far as the rest… you’ll get through this; you’ve got a guy next door who’s firmly in your corner (now that he knows you have a corner) and that’s one hell of a backboard.

    Good for you. Pat yourself on the back. :)

  2. OMFG! Hope everything is ok?
    Bless his sweet heart, TN that is & not that ‘sonofabitch’!
    I’m sure you can sort it, hugs & love to you both….pulling for you here too!!
    xxxx

  3. New follower, finding myself connecting on a visceral level, I am happy that you found your way clear of the secrecy. Happy, because I felt the darkness enveloping you and you fought free. I don’t know you, yet I felt “worry”.

    I have my own struggles; your posts reconnect me with reality.

    1. He trusts me and views it as my private journal. He said, “I could hardly get angry at you for writing your thoughts and feelings in a diary.” He’s not at all concerned about its public nature.

  4. No more secrets – isn’t that a great feeling? TN knowing about the blog gives the sonofabitchcreepyfuckingasshole one less thing to try and threaten you with. We are so relieved TN knows.

      1. Correct. And clearly exposing you was never my intent, or I wouldn’t have taken so much care in making sure only you got the message. Plus I’ve known about your real identity for more than a year and only decided to speak because you are finally confronting the potential ramifications of the ongoing dishonesty you’ve had with the people in your life.

        The only thing I asked for is that you spend more time reflecting on the ethical harm you’ve done in the past (you’ve ameliorated that with the neighbor, but not with your many other subjects.)

        Imagine that you were not writing from the perspective of a sexually liberated divorcee making her way in the world. Imagine you were a fraternity brother describing the many ‘bimbos’ you’ve bedded. Now go back through and count the disparaging remarks you’ve made about your lovers, and cast it in the light of traditional sexual power and violence. There was a time when you were no different. I felt obligated to make you pause before you moved silently into ethical white when you have never reckoned with your time in the grey and black.

        I might be the only one who knows your real identity that you don’t control, and although I don’t want to (and never will want to) harm you, I feel the only thing that shakes up an imbalanced power relationship is an inversion. Also, assuming I’m a *son* of a bitch, and not just a bitch should make your readers pause as well. How much have you all excused the subtle sexual violences in your digital lives because they haven’t fallen in line with your gendered stereotypes?

        Jeremiad over.

        1. You make a good point about who she is versus being a fraternity brother. I never thought about it that way. But who are you to say how she should be going about telling people in her life about her blog. I just don’t understand why you cared so much to bring it to her attention. She already obviously felt guilty and has for some time. If I don’t agree with what someone says on their blog, I just stop reading it. It’s none of our business how they live their lives and how or when or if they choose to tell people about what they write.

          1. To be clear: I never told her to tell people in her life about her blog. If anything that would be more harmful. The reason I felt compelled to speak about it (the who am I question) is just that I realized that I’m very likely the only one who could have said something that didn’t just reaffirm the self-contained and uncritical moral universe of anonymous sex blogging.

          2. Glad your world is so black&white. Is everyone who ever writes about another person, critical or otherwise, supposed to clear it with that person first?
            I’ve been on the receiving end of serious criticism within this ‘moral universe’. I never understood the person’s motivations other than that his superiority was too large to be contained. You come off the same way.

          3. Everyone who publishes their private experiences with someone who trusts them (enough to have sex with them) should always clear it with them first, yes.

          4. No.

            This is an anonymous blog with anonymous characters in it. They may be fictional for all I know. The only danger of people being upset is if somebody like you tells them they’re featured as a character in somebody else’s life story which has an opinion about them. That you know each and every character, maybe even slept with them all, just tells us that you are a local. It does not qualify you to try to censure this author’s view of what went on.

            If you want to put out your side of this, why not start your own anonymous blog and tell us about it. That way we can get to hear the true story of how it was all misrepresented here.

            Maybe you should broaden your horizons further. Tell politicians and Fox News about consent, truth, bias and plain lies. Do something useful with your life rather than attempting to take an anonymous axe to somebody working through their problems, and a whole lot of other people’s problems too.

          5. I understand how you feel about people getting consent from someone they are writing about. I don’t disagree with this and actually feel the same way, but probably not as strongly. I would never in any way approach someone and tell them what I thought on the subject. If I disagreed strongly enough I would just stop reading their blog. You say you felt like you were very likely the only one who could say something but you don’t know that you’re the only person reading her blog that knows her. And even if you are, I still don’t think you have the right to call her out on it…unless you’re someone she wrote about and you’re asking her to remove that story. Then maybe I could understand saying something. Guess I’ll just have to wait to see what, if anything, Hy has to say about what happened. And you had to know we’d all stick up for her and have her back. :)

        2. I seem to recall that a frat brother disclosure traditionally also includes full details, including name, dimensions, preferences and phone number, of every young lady he had the pleasure of or been denied by. In contrast, Hy has made sure that nobody was identifiable from her interactions with them unless, possibly, they stumbled on this blog and were personally involved. For that latter case, we are in the realm of personal opinions, interactions, preferences and other choices that real people make.

          Instead, Hy has empowered and helped many hundreds of women and men in the problems of surviving modern life and love.

          Unless your name is Pope Francis, I would suggest that this moral high ground that you claim for your own is actually built on sand and you are as shallow in your motivations for your pseudo-intellectual discourse attacking Hy as you are cowardly in your way of doing it.

          Personally, I totally agree with her reasons for keeping everything and everyone anonymous. I have no interest in knowing her name, where she lives or the type of cola she buys. I thank her for freely giving her honest insights and feelings on the difficult topic of human interaction. One that, I suspect, you have yet to master.

          1. Seeing as I know the identities of most of the central characters of Hyacinth’s story without working very hard at it, she put all of them at risk by publishing her version of their sex lives. I don’t think all of what she did is wrong (not even close) but she could have done all the good without any of the harm by exercising a little more care in what she chose to say about whom and the point at which she decided to get consent from her lovers. Which she never got, as far as I know. So: personally, I totally agree with you Nick that she should have kept everything and everyone anonymous. What she should have also done is gotten consent.

          2. You are being quite naïve in your understanding of blogging. That you happened upon this anonymous no-names blog and can identify people makes YOU the loose cannon and YOU the thread that may cause the fabric to unravel and people to be hurt, if they are. The author is most certainly not trying to do that.
            If she were to shoot her mouth off in a bar with friends about how manipulative certain people were, how poor they were in bed, how two-faced they were in their dealings, then that would be her opinion and they might well feel hurt. Business as usual. Yet nobody would ask that she got their permission to talk about them before she said anything. If she got consent, it would be probably not be the truth that was told.
            TV, newspapers, social media and politicians don’t ask permission to criticize others. It is their opinion. Moreover, it is their job to give opinion. This is what you are seeing here.

        3. Do you think Mrs Millet asked for consent from all 40 men she had sex with at that orgy she describes in her book?
          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sexual_Life_of_Catherine_M.
          Probably not. Why? Because she probably didn’t even know their identities. And didn’t care about knowing them. Does it mean that her book is wrong? Apparently, it didn’t seem to break any laws, since it found a publisher and was sold around the world.
          Since Hy doesn’t bad mouth the people she writes about and, most importantly, she took great care to write so that they cannot be identified, I don’t see the problem with writing not how she views them, but about her experience with them, her side of the story.

          1. I see your point on the Millet book, but I also think this blog (and many others like it) are doing something different by publishing chronicles of ongoing experiences without consent. I don’t think you have as strong of an obligation to orgy attendees (who seem not particularly concerned about their privacy) than with individual lovers. Here are a few examples where I think Hyacinth acted unethically, should have gotten consent (in various forms,) and exploited her power as anonymous narrator:
            http://adissolutelifemeans.com/2011/12/19/i-have-no-feelings/
            http://adissolutelifemeans.com/2012/02/01/i-am-an-unethical-slut/
            http://adissolutelifemeans.com/2012/02/07/i-can-feel-feelings-coming-on/
            http://adissolutelifemeans.com/2013/03/11/old-lovers-are-a-dime-a-dozen-new-ones-are-a-million-bucks/

            I’ll admit, these were hard to dig up because they happened so long ago. But since she’s mentioned that she had another blog before this one, I’m assuming there would have been other examples there. My problem with all of these events are really that she admits to trusting these men, then repeatedly betrays their trust both in real life and by publishing this blog.

            Honestly, I regret pointing this out in the first place and the fiasco that came from it. I especially regret using the fact that I know Hy’s identity to have my comment taken more seriously. I really just wanted to point out that ‘coming clean’ to her current lover didn’t absolve her from the years of secrecy and betrayals of trust with previous lovers, and my suggestion was that she should just continue the process. Not by coming clean to those previous lovers, but by writing something new about the very real ethical problems of anonymous sex blogging. If more sex bloggers talked about the ethics of what they do, there wouldn’t be such an uncritical acceptance of the ‘anonymous=harmless’ attitude on the internet.

            Taking a cue from C (above), I’m going to refrain from additional responses until Hy has had her say.

  5. WOW!!! I’m so glad it worked out, even though this is not ideally how you would have liked to have told him. I love his reaction! Must have been a huge relief! I hope you can do something about that person not exposing you.

    1. I was going to tell him regardless, yes, but I certainly was hoping to have nothing negative to attach to it when I did (although, it obviously didn’t matter at all).

      There’s nothing I can do that I know of besides pray for their benevolence and grace towards me and what I do here.

  6. Yes!! I just threw my fist in the air in the middle of the gym. Tell that emailer to go fuck him/herself. So, SO glad TN had the reaction many of us expected he would.

    1. Ha! That’s awesome :)

      Whoever it is certainly reminded me of the risks I take here; I was already in the midst of self-doubt, -flagellation, and fear. They just made it more urgent that I come clean.

      And I’m also very glad :)

    1. He certainly is :). And I doubt this person is a “stalker,” but I get your point. They were trying to make a point about my self-centered perceptions and how I might be hurting those I write about anonymously.

  7. I have been an on and off reader for a while but I thought I would de-lurk long enough to say congrats that the “big reveal” went well. Sorry that the threat to your anonymity came so close to your victory.

  8. I’m really really pleased that telling TN went so well, even if the exact timing was pre-empted by somebody else’s distorted motives.
    I hope you find peace with his knowledge of your blog. If he ever reads it, he will be proud of you.
    ((((hugs))))
    Nick

  9. I knew this was coming since you started writing about TN.

    I want to thank you before you disappear into the mists of the Internets. You’ve given me some hope in my life when I needed it- that I can find love and great sex again, even with my puritanical upbringing. Not gonna lie, it hurts that your relationship has succeeded where mine hasn’t worked out like I thought it might. But you’ve had your own ups and downs too, so I’ll keep looking just like you did.

    It was an honor to be a part of your Internet Boyfriend. I’m sorry I’ve lurked and haven’t commented until now- I’m terrified about being open about sex, but I’m working on it in no small part thanks to you. I know it’s gonna be goodbye soon, and I’ll really miss you.

    1. Jay, thanks for de-lurking, but don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry you’ve had some heartbreak, but I can say with certainty that hearts are pretty resilient things if we give them the chance.

      It warms my heart to know my story has given you hope. What a kindness to share that with me. xx hy

      1. For sure to all of that, and thanks for the encouragement, for real. :) If it’s not goodbye (!) then good luck with this next bit and I’ll try to lurk less and comment more. Lots of change for you, I know. I remember what it’s like for secrets to get out- it’s freaking scary even if it turns out there’s nothing to be afraid of.

  10. I told you!!! I’m just happy I got to say that for the greatest reason. He’s true to who he has always been. The fear fucks us up so much but it also pushes us in the right direction…if we choose to go against it. Fear is an Ironic mother-fucker. xo, Jayne

  11. Well, some things are a blessing in disguise.
    What I’ll retain from this eventful day is not the person who decided you needed to be reminded that you are a real person in addition to being a blogger, but the reaction TN had. It was so close to what you’d said it could be, even though at the time you didn’t quite want to believe it… He’s accepting and maybe even ‘a little flattered by all of this’ the fact that you write about him, and ‘even a little proud of [you]’ :-)
    I told you to trust your gut instinct. Once again, it was right. I’m so happy for you and TN.
    And it looks like I cannot comment from Google + anymore… I really need to work on creating a gravatar :-)
    XO

  12. I’m glad he was okay with that! I figured he would be and I’m happy he proved me right. As to the other character, one of my biggest fears is being discovered and having my “secret” thoughts revealed to people who know me. When I had issues with someone threatening me with it last year, I shutdown my site and moved. It pissed me off that I had to change everything because of one asshole who was hateful in everyway. I still feel it’s okay to write an anonymous sex blog detailing my antics. I don’t name names, nor do I describe enough physical characteristics.

    We have to have an outlet, but we aren’t in a society that is naturally okay with that revelation. Electronic media is a double edge sword because we can find commonality with others who want to share in secret, but we also find trolls who threaten that. It’s shitty that I can’t be myself out in the open for many reasons, but I’m as honest as I can get here. I don’t think that’s wrong.

  13. Congratulations! I have been outed too in increasing circles in my life, and I have to tell you that I didn’t love the process. I love being out now though. The interaction is amazing, though of course I’m learning things about blogging.. especially about others. Good luck and welcome to us known sex bloggers. :)

  14. Dear Hy: I’m so happy for you and TN. In many ways, it must be a huge relief. I confess, though, that I had a mild rant on my FB this morning about sex bloggers being threatened with exposure inspired by your position (and my assumptions about it). I feel REALLY conflicted. I’ve told my lovers that they will most certainly end up in blog posts yet have been careful not to talk about some painful breakups and their aftermath to keep the people involved private. When one of those people says, “I don’t like what you wrote” then I want to say, “don’t fucking read it.” All of this has started me thinking, and my thoughts are tumultuous (as you can see here.) I’ve been on both sides, the flattering and the unflattering, the author and the subject. I believe strongly in free speech and being sex-positive, and I also believe that we have to take responsibility for the shit storm that we sometimes create because of it. (i.e. I’m in the middle of my own personal shit storm from a recent post.) Your happy ending gave me hope for my own. Thank you, as always, for sharing. xoxo

  15. Sonofabitch appears to have been accurately named. This is your blog, Hy. Write about whatever – and whoever – you choose. I write about guests but I stick to a certain code and it has served me well. No one has called me out because they can’t!
    Robert Hookey is The Hook. if anyone wants to come at me like Sonofabitch did to you they better be prepared for one helluva battle.

    As for you, Hy, talk to our mutual friend, Marian Green, she knows what you’re going through. And how.

  16. I’m thrilled that you had nothing to fear from telling TN!

    Veronica and I were once outed once, a reader emailed me announcing that he knew our first and last names and where we lived. When questioned, he detailed how he figured it all out. His intention, or so he claimed, was friendly, that he was trying to illustrate how ‘careless’ we had been. (If you want to know about how he figured it out, email me and I’ll tell you, but I’m not putting the rest here).

    In any case, I’m sorry to hear that you’re having to deal with that now.

    1. It would’ve been very nice if this was how it’d worked for me. I have gone out of my way to protect my anonymity — and those I wrote about — but apparently I fucked up somewhere. And if this one person could deduce who I am and “with little work” learn the identities of central characters then maybe there’s something I could do to better protect myself and them. I don’t know if I’ll be privy to my weak spot, though, but hopefully I am.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


CommentLuv badge