Long term relationships are ____________*.

I grew up riding horses.  I can’t remember a second of my life not being obsessed with those animals.  I like to joke that it’s my grandmother’s fault for buying me a little stuffed horse for me before I was born, but who knows?  Maybe it’s just in my genes.

When I was ten, my dreams finally came true and I started taking English riding lessons at a nearby barn and I’ll never forget my first lesson horse, Rio.  Rio was a bay Arabian and calm enough, but I was warned that he would take advantage of me at the first opportunity.  He’d stomp his feet as I groomed him, lean into me and try to pin me against a wall, go from a trot to a walk if I didn’t stay on him.

I soon outgrew that barn and moved to a 5000 acre mountain top ranch with 50 lesson horses at my disposal.  I spent the next 7 years’ worth of weekends working on that ranch.  I ate my lunch in the hay barn 25 feet high surrounded by the sweet smell of hay and alfalfa, I swam with horses in the pond on the cross country course, I watched Olympian Mike Plumb give clinics — I even rode for him once!, I groomed hundreds of animals, tacked them up and got them ready for their lessons, I watched polo games and couriered for events before there were fancy gizmos.  I learned to be tough, expect the unexpected, and to be the boss.

There wasn’t one horse there, no matter how well-schooled, that wouldn’t try to remind you in some way that the agreement we had required constant attention.  The human was the boss, but the horse was letting you take charge.

Long term relationships aren’t unlike that horse-human relationship.  The horse may have been tamed, but it remains persnickety; it will run you into a tree given the first opportunity.  And if you think it won’t, well, you’re a goddamned idiot.

That’s what’s recently happened with The Neighbor and me.  We forgot to pay attention and we got scraped off by a branch.  The Resentment and Boredom Branch.  At least, I did.

It just all seemed so easy.  There’s no more cloak and dagger, defiance and denial.  Even a year ago and I was wrestling with what to reveal and how to proceed.  It was equal parts exhausting and exciting, and I had to do a lot of work.  But I loved the challenge.

These days, excitement lies in hitting my budget, not in getting laid.

We love each other, he takes care of me, and we are slowly venturing towards a little threesome as I let my guard down about allowing him closer to Peyton.  It’s all wonderful wonderful wonderful.

I don’t long for chaos or drama, but there was energy there.  Spikes of passion and feelings.  TN recently started a new job and he adores it.  I don’t exactly adore the 70+  hours he’s pouring into it, but I want to support him, so I’m not bitching.

However, should I worry that in the last several weeks, we’ve gone from having sex three times a week to once a week?  I’m too tired, he’s too tired, we connect in different ways BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER and then we sleep.

And when we do do it, it’s the same routine.  He gets hard, I spread my legs, he kills me, we stop.  We rarely change positions anymore, but I can’t tell if that’s a problem, because it’s all so easy.  Plus, we’re having sex, it’s just tired-people-sex, not jungle-monkey sex.

Our horse plods along even as I struggle with feelings of boredom and fear that we, as I loved us, are over.

Then, we got a slap on the rear: TN and I butted heads.

I ran out of my birth control pills and had a week to refill them after knowing I had 2 months to get all my ducks in a row.  I needed to make some phone calls and switch over to my Obamacare, etc., but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  So we were birth control free for two blissful weeks.

Too bad those two responsibility-free weeks were marred by the The Neighbor bitching and moaning about having to wear a “hefty bag” on his dick.

I wanted to kill him.

Things came to a head the other day when, after another 12 hour day, he came over to hang out.  We watched Game of Thrones and went to cuddle.  He asked if I’d gotten my pills yet.  I said, “No, and so it’ll likely be another two weeks.”

He was incredulous and couldn’t understand why I hadn’t “just done it.”  Wasn’t it a priority for me?  I explained to him that I’d been busy — which was true — but I failed completely at describing the level of irritation, almost animosity, I feel at taking that goddamned pill every fucking day.

I told him it was also good for me to be off of it for a little while; being on it for more than 10 years increases health risks for women. He didn’t believe me and kept repeating that he “just didn’t get it.”  My heart began to beat faster as I laid next to him wondering what the fuck was happening.

“You go buy some fucking Tic Tacs,” I said, “and after taking them around the same time every day for 3 years, let’s talk.”

Then, he said with a distant look in his eye, “I don’t even know why we’re arguing.  I checked out of this conversation six minutes ago.”

I hit the roof, thanked him for also being condescending as well as a giant baby about using condoms, and continued to argue my case.

We managed to wriggle out from under that one without too much trouble that night, but the next day I spent a good 3 hours of my life on the phone and driving all over town trying to get birth control (which I did), but I was mad about it.  Poor baby, can’t wear a fucking “hefty bag” on his dick to give me a goddamned break for a while.  And it’s not like the guy even cums anyway!! I thought angrily.

Pills finally in hand I told him of my travails.  He congratulated me, genuinely, but didn’t thank me.  I lugged around resentment the rest of the day wondering what had happened to the old TN and Hy.  The ones who didn’t taste the bitterness of resentment, that is.

That night he came over and as we lay together in bed we began to talk about our day.

When it was my turn, I very matter of factly said, “Look, I really need for you to say ‘Thanks, Hy for going to all that trouble to get the pills!’ because it isn’t just about losing a day to phone calls and errands.  I carry all of the responsibility for us not getting pregnant.  It fucks with my hormones if I miss a day and it’s $30 out of my pocket a month, which isn’t a lot, I know, but it’s a lot to me.  And there you were complaining about wearing condoms –”

He stopped me there and apologized profusely for being a jerk, for the unfairness of it all, and for all the work and money I have to put into keeping up this form of birth control which I do for us.

I felt my resentment and anger zip out of me like air from a balloon.  And, just like that, I was energized and perky.  AND HORNY.

I was almost as shocked at my ardor as I was at his apology.

But that had been a challenge!  We’d mentally sparred and parried.  We’d had to work at something to get back on track.  Woohoo!  Let’s fucking fuck, buddy!  Giddy-up!

I sensed a similar change in TN.  It was a Tuesday night, another end to another 12 hour day and he should be drained, but he was buzzing instead, like me.

I stroked his beard and looked at him lovingly, openly.  He stared back at me and we kissed.

I dropped my hand to his bulge.  It was hard. He peeled back the covers and ran his hand from my knee to the top of my thigh and sneaked his fingers under my purple, polka-dot jammy shorts.

His eyes widened when he realized I wasn’t wearing panties, and his fingers moved the plump skin apart and slipped inside. I was wet and felt jolts of excitement, like a long lost memory.  He wasn’t going to just spread my knees and push himself inside of me like we’ve been doing!  He was starting a different kind of dance.

I closed my eyes and threw my head back as his hand slammed into me and I poured myself into his cupped hand.  He kissed my neck and suckled on my breast through my white t-shirt.  I came again.

“Wow,” he said, “I haven’t fingered you in forever!”  I only nodded, but wanted to shout, “I KNOW!!”

He pulled away then and removed his clothes and came back and roughly removed my shorts and spread my knees as he positioned himself between them.  He already had a condom on, the sneaky boy.

I smiled at his caution and pulled off my own shirt.  The bedside light lit us up as if we were just reading books, but instead he filled me up with his cock, not words.

He moved into me until I could feel him in my throat.  I moaned and cried and squealed and laughed when he put a pillow over my face.  I giggled and sobbed into it and threw it off of me me determined to be quieter.

I grabbed his sides, clutched his muscles, hooked his haunches, lunged against him with all my might.

He kissed my collar bone and neck, behind my ear and my open, panting mouth.  He blocked out the reading light somehow and became the sun.

I spun away with him as he hitched my ankle up, then down, then on my side for a minute.  Finally, he was spent and we lay still, spooning.

I felt as though we had done more than copulate.  We’d recalibrated.  Perhaps TN and Hy need to be challenged more and we’d forgotten about that.

We got tired, settled into a routine, we forgot to be empathetic.  Maybe we’re the horse and not the rider and we needed to remind ourselves of who’s in charge.  Neither of us.

He kissed me and disengaged and came to lay on my other side.  I got my little pink vibrator and asked him to masturbate for me.  He lay on his back and tugged and pulled on his erection as I watched and listened to him.  fap fap fap fap 

My own orgasm was tricky, but reliable, and finally swelled around me after he abandoned his own stroking to squeeze my breast and kiss me deeply and wetly instead.

His soft, hot tongue juxtaposed against his scratchy beard, his everything filling my senses, blocking out everything but my pleasure.  His desire to pleasure me pushed me right over the edge.

When I was done he confessed he wasn’t able to cum.  I looked at him not with sadness, but with tenderness and he stroked my temple as I came back to earth beside him.

We kissed and said nice things and it felt exactly like I wish it always could.  I just don’t know if it’s possible.  A long term relationship isn’t the fresh horse it used to be.  It’s a horse that’s been ridden for a while; its tricks and triggers, its needs and plans are no mystery.  Sometimes it feels like the kind of work that’s tedious.

I wish I knew how to get the zip back into our lives without making head butting foreplay.   I’m too sensitive for that.  And I bruise easily.

I also wish this was as easy as riding a damn horse.   I had that one all figured out by 15.  At least I know how to climb back on.

 

 

*bullshit, awesome, hard, ridiculous, spectacular, exhausting, pleasant.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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27 thoughts on “Long term relationships are ____________*.
  1. Oh Hy!!!
    I too used to ride. I loved it, though I didn’t have the chance to become really proficient at it… I totally get what you’re saying about horses trying to run you into trees. It happened to me. Luckily, apparently I am no idiot (at least in respect to horses, about human relationships, the question is still up for debate!).
    I also completely understand about the pill, the drag to have to take it all the time, the drag that you are the one solely responsible for contraception, the fact it messes with your whole body through your hormones…
    But I mostly related to this part: “And when we do do it, it’s the same routine. ”
    Took me right back. To my marriage and the days of lifeless sex. It’s not so much that we didn’t have sex, it’s mostly that there was absolutely no connection. And it had become routine. I would have loved to change things, asked for it a few times, but soon gave up.
    I’m so glad for you that you got a more satisfying outcome, without even having to ask :-)

    Yes, long term relationships are tricky. Just ask any married couple.
    But as long as both of you are willing to work with one another like you did here, I’m sure things will be fine!
    XO

    1. I knew there was another reason to love you! You’d be surprised how many of us in this little community were riders! I’m beginning to wonder if there’s a correlation. ha!

      My marriage days weren’t anything like what I’m complaining about now (it was much, much worse; 10x sadder). That was a different animal altogether (if I’m going to stick with animal analogies). I’m glad that you’re away from that now, though!

      I have to remind myself that as we readjust to his new job, things will get rough. The guy is exhausted, but expecting the same things from himself and I’ve let him convince me that’s ok. Anyway, you’re right, we are willing to work it out, so we’ll be ok.

      1. Of course there are plenty of reasons to love me! You just have to uncover them all. Some are just better hidden than others ;-)
        I wonder if there is a correlation between horseback riding and sex blogs? Maybe the willingness to take risks and be dependent on someone else’s goodwill?
        Yes, I suspect my marital sex was closer to yours than to whatever you have with TN ;-)
        And I’m quite glad to be away from it too. And how far I’ve come from it!!! :-)

        With any change in any one of the partners’ life or of the couple’s, the relationship is thrown off balance which needs to be restored. Probably not where it was before, but somewhere that is either just as good or sometimes better for both parties. I have faith you will find your new balance.
        XO

  2. Oh you guys had me worried for a minute! I think your analogy is quite appropriate. Once you know most of each other’s nuances, it’s not easy to keep things fresh, it can be hard work! As for the pill issue, I back you 100%, most men unfortunately just don’t comprehend the enormity of the responsibility women take on with the contraceptive pill. & that’s not to mention the monetary costs involved! Great post Hy, you were both able to bring that recalcitrant stallion into line eventually! Keep on enjoying each other! :)

    1. I have me a little worried! We’re not over the hump; we keep bickering, which we NEVER do. I have to assume it’s due to him being exhausted (not blaming him, but it’s gotta be hard!).

      We even argued about fucking birth control again last night! We’re still ok, though, but ugh!

  3. I totally feel you on the pill, Jake never used to understand how I could sometimes forget to take it or forget to pick it up in time, so now he sets his alarm to share in the responsibility of me taking it (and sometimes we still both forget!) & sometimes he picks it up for me. Just another glamorous aspect of being in a long term relationship, lol.

    I really love this post, you’ve done an excellent job of explaining the complexity of your feelings and the way things change in long term relationships. It’s complicated. I think about it a lot too…maybe I’ll even try to write a post if I can get my thoughts on the subject together enough.

    xxPenny

    1. Well, I told TN I wanted him to help me remember the pill and we got into another argument! lol He agreed to text me every day at 10 am (REGARDLESS WHETHER OR NOT I’D ALREADY TEXTED TO SAY I’D TAKEN IT) and I thought that was ridiculous and not at all participatory. He finally agreed he’d only text me if he hadn’t heard from me by then. I can’t understand the way men think. Honestly!

      And thanks for the kind words!! I look forward to reading your thoughts on it all, too! xx Hy

      1. Ah MEN!!!
        It’s funny how they don’t want to see how bothersome the pill may be. And the responsibility we have for not forgetting it!
        I mean, surely, it’s not that difficult to remember to buy condoms in the right size, is it?!
        This said, have you considered an IUD? Since you’ve had a child already, it is a possibility. And even with the hormonal ones, that are almost more effective than the pill, you don’t get quite as much hormones pumped into your body. For me, one of the very best advantages was that it got almost completely rid of my period too :-)

      2. Having read Nick’s comment, maybe it was that TN was planning to do exactly that, automate a text to be sent to you… but didn’t tell you because he thought that way he would still get some benefit from it, you thinking he was putting in the effort to remember every day too ;-)
        Of course, if that’s the case, he could just have offered the solution of automated texts as being a solution for both of you, not trying to take anything from it but rather trying to find the best solution for your couple rather than for one or the other. Not sure I make much sense, but hey, I had a rough night ;-)

  4. Yeah it’s complicated when you stop dating, and start actually living. But if it was easy, you’d be riding a hobby-horse, instead of a real one. You guys keep it up.

    1. ^^^ What he said.

      Also, one of the things that made me fall in love with M was the fact that he’d send me money every month during our 2nd year of dating (he worked, I didn’t) for the pill. I’m so glad I’ll never have to take hormonal birth control again. It fuuuuuucks me up.

      1. That is unbelievably sweet and kind. TN doesn’t see it like that. Since he foot the bills for dinners out, etc., I’m in charge of the BC costs. Eh… I could be pissed about it, but whatever. I’ll wait to be pissed about something that’s really a big problem :)

    2. So true. I don’t know how you and L do it all + the LDR bit. And that’s EXACTLY what’s happening. We’re actually living now, not at all dating. *sigh*

  5. Haha, I love the title and choices below. I’ve never consistently taken BC, its really daunting to remember to take something daily and you are right that $30 doesn’t seem like much but with rising gas and food prices it is more like $60 out of your budget. That adds up, mentally,when money is a concern (btw I totally feel you on that!)
    Glad that you were able to say what you feel to him in a way that stuck with him, now that you don’t have anon friends/IBf to vent to first I bet it was a little challenge. Xoxo,
    G

    1. It IS daunting! He still thinks my Tic Tac analogy is too much. He thinks that knowing it will prevent pregnancy would/should motivate a woman to never, ever forget. If only it were that simple!

      And I’m glad you brought up the venting part of this. I did talk to him about it first, but it feels weird sharing this much with you guys. I’ve always tried to keep most things private, but I decided this is the new TN & Hy and instead of me relating our interactions surrounding our relationship “status” (does he love me or not?), now it’ll be more of relationship “maintenance” kinds of things. The nuts and bolts will continue to be private, but things like this, I think I’ll share. xx Hy

      1. I think you should dare him to do the tic tac thing. And send him texts everyday to make sure he took it… At the right time!
        The tic tac analogy is nothing if not enough! It only covers the pain of remembering to take something every day. Doesn’t even starts to describe how it messes with your most inner biological rhythms.
        Plus, did he ever consider that maybe subconscioulsy, a woman isn’t awlays THAT concerned about not getting pregnant?! I remember a discussion I had once with a midwife while I was pregnant and having problems. I visited with her twice a week to check the baby was fine. I said that it bothered me that some women used abortion as contraception (and no, I’m not trying to get into a pro/against abortion debate here, please!). She said that some women needed to get pregnant to feel like real women. It didn’t quite change my view on abortion, but it certainly made me think. The fact HE doesn’t want a pregnancy shouldn’t mean a man can assume that his partner shares the same feeling :-)

  6. I’m glad I continued reading this post to see you got a resolution you’re happy with. I was about to stop reading your TN posts altogether and just stick with Friday Boobday posts.

      1. I hated the way he was treating you over forgetting the pill. Is it important? Sure. But your argument regarding your health is a serious. Women die from taking the pill. And he didn’t believe you? It’s a medication just like any other. And condoms are cheaper and doesn’t affect ANYONE’S health in a negative way. He couldn’t wear them for a little while? Until you get the pill again? Just makes me angry…I don’t have a lot of tolerance for guys who act like that.

        1. Ah, I see! Well, I’m cutting him some slack for a while because that particular argument (or any between the two of us) is so uncharacteristic of us. 70+ work weeks is bound to wear him down. I think the whole pill thing was just this one thing he felt like made his life unbearable. I’m laughing, but not at him. He needs some patience as he finds his footing with this new job and I’ll give it to him. I love him, after all.

          Having said that, if he were still giving me a hard time in 2 months, then we’d fight again. :)

  7. Hi Hy,
    I started reading this twice already and kept on getting interrupted. I’m glad to see that it ends happily. The relationship question is (as you know) always on my mind…I hate the idea that sex is bound to mellow once things become official and comfy. Changing partners is depressing though. Here’s to The Full Meal Deal! Stay in the saddle my friend. :)

    Bises,
    Dawn

  8. I know this is a dumb question, but why not simply automate the have-you-taken-the-pill? text message with a computer service? That way, neither of you have to explicitly work at it and you don’t have to measure his attentiveness by him sending a message about it?
    Instead, he can send you texts because he loves you:-)

    1. Because it’s not that easy. I can set a daily alarm myself, but it still doesn’t ensure I’ll take it. It’s a weird phenomenon the birth control pill.

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