I shut my mouth and open my legs.

I am filled with resentment and confusion.  I have needs I don’t want to have, things that aren’t fulfilled.  I am mute and afraid to voice them.

I was going to spill it all out last night; I was going to crack myself open and admit that this isn’t enough.  That all the wonderfulness, all the everything he’s been doing doesn’t feel like enough and I am afraid.  Afraid of what that means, if it’s even real.

I feel out of control, body snatched.  Is it an outside, unrelated storm that’s causing this tremor or is it from within?  Everything is passing through me, it seems.

I moved away 8 weeks ago and three weeks ago he started his new 70+ hour work week.  It is a bad coincidence, terrible timing.  I am simply not happy.

So last night I was going to spill it all, purge it from my gut.

But I couldn’t.

He was there as soon as I said I’d be ready, filled with hope and love and a desire to please.  I was running behind: noses to kisses, bedding to tuck, shower to be had.

He was there cupping my bottom beneath my towel as I tried to remove the black from my eyes in a steamy mirror.  “Here,” he said and turned my face with his hands so he could be my mirror.  His eyes roved over mine and he lightly tapped the places where the cotton had missed.

He kissed me then, soft and deep and I fought to push my sadness away.

He took my hand and led me into my room.  I dared him to say something snarky about the pile of clean clothes on my bed.  I wilted a little knowing that these days a gentle warning is needed, he is short with me.  He only smiled at me and kissed me passionately.

I lit candles and he tugged on my towel and dragged me towards him as he knelt on the bed.  I joined him and he gently took the towel from my head and unwrapped the one from my body.  I released the ribbon of worry and it floated away as I melted into his touch and his love.

His hands roamed over my body and I heard him groan as he bit my collar-bone and neck.  I arched towards him and rubbed his erection and deftly unbuckled his belt.  He pulled off his pants and rejoined me and as we knelt together I guided his hand to my aching pussy.  It was covered in stubble, no longer bare.

My anger and resent came back at me like a boomerang in that instant.  “I’m letting it grow back,” I said.

He giggled not knowing.  “Ok, then I’m shaving my beard tomorrow.”

All I could say was, “We’ll talk about it later.”  I forced myself to release the ribbon again, willed it to stay away.

We threw ourselves down on the bed and he hooked his fingers into me.  I writhed on his hand like a fish on a hook and whimpered into his neck, nibbled his ear, clutched at him with desperation.  I wanted to forget, remember, and be transported away from myself and from us.

The first orgasm came big and full, lusty and loud.  He moaned into my mouth as I came again and felt myself pull apart in a beautiful tangle of emotions.  Separate.  Puddled.

As I lay there basking he quickly rolled on a condom and positioned himself between my legs.  The entry was smooth; I could barely feel him.

We rode each other, I exclaimed at his size, teased him I was likely a virgin again and I came two more times.  And as I filled with happiness I was reminded of how not happy I’ve been these past many weeks and just like that, the goddamned boomerang was back.

I begged off for a minute and held him, wrapped my arms and legs around him and laughed that I was like a lemur.  “A slutty lemur,” he chuckled back.  I squeezed him with all my might then hoping that loving him would ease some of my discomfort.

It did not.

“I’m done,” I said softly.  “Are you?”

He said yes and slipped out and lay next to me.  No orgasm for him.

I lay there beside him, full of the knowledge that he loves and adores me and yet sad.  We have barely touched each other this month and I often feel as though I am squeezed in whenever he can get over.  The thing is, the pattern is no different from when we shared a wall, but for some reason, the landscape is wildly, painfully different.  I’m still trying to figure it all out, what to say and how to say it.

Too afraid to bring it all up, instead I only explained why I was growing back my pussy hair, “I don’t know that you even appreciate it, TN,” I said gently.  “You don’t talk about it, touch it, or acknowledge its existence.  It’s a pain in the ass to keep up and I’d like a little attention for it.  I rave about your beard every single day, don’t I?”

He nodded, “Yes.”

“Well, I’d like a little of that, too.”

“I’m sorry,” he said into the candlelight.  “It’s unbelievably sexy and I love it and think it’s quite pretty.”  He gave me a one-armed squeeze and kissed me.

I’ll shave for him tonight.  And I’ll spill the rest of my guts.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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33 thoughts on “I shut my mouth and open my legs.
  1. And you purged yourself here, with words. You’re damned if you do, it is like picking at a wound, and damned if you don’t, it is like leaving something in that wound to fester.
    So you spill your guts onto the page. I cannot tell you to tell him or to shut your mouth and open your legs, just that I understand, and love this post. Keep us posted.

    1. I feel guilty for writing first, but I was so twisted and messed up all day. It had to come out, get exposed to the light, so to speak. Thanks for listening. 🙂

  2. I don’t think you should feel guilty. It would be just like writing in your journal to get it out and start to think about how you want to say what you want to say. A rehearsal, if you will. Only you get input from people! 🙂 I think it’s good to have in mind what you want to say so you can cover everything.

    I know we are only getting your side of the story…but it makes me sad you have to ask for these things from him. In one of your other posts you asked him to “thank you” for taking care of your BC. Now you’re asking him for attention because he wants you to keep shaving. Which totally is a pain in the ass and that’s why I quit doing it. I know you had said you cut him slack b/c of the work hours…but when are the work hours going to lessen? I hope you do open up to him soon!

    1. It’s true, it’s only my side and I will never turn this blog into a bash-TN sight. I’m just frustrated and scared and when that happens, I write [to a small audience]. Thanks for listening!!

      Well, honestly, part of why I didn’t say anything last night is because he’s only been at that job for 3 weeks and I don’t feel like I can complain yet. However, he says he plans on working these hours for the next 2-3 years, so I’m sure that’s factoring into my unhappiness.

      Hopefully our talk tonight goes well and I’m able to be articulate 🙂

      1. I would feel the same way you do…frustrated and scared. And especially if these hours are going to continue like this!! But I want to back track a little bit. Although I find it sad you have to ask for the things I mentioned I’m also very impressed you DID ask!! I feel like most people don’t speak up for what they need and that’s important. Even if it’s only a fraction of what you need, it’s still speaking up for something. 🙂

        1. Thanks for that! It’s excruciating for me to admit to needing something I’m not getting because I think it means my need is too much and I should make whatever it is I am getting be enough. But I did that once and it lead to a failed marriage. I’m trying to do something new here…

        2. I agree with C here. Well done for letting it out before it turns all nasty on you. And maybe it’s Ok if you didn’t get to spill it all out at once. At least you got something out, and could see that it didn’t turn into a full blown argument. And that may make you a bit bolder and able to express the rest better tomorrow…

  3. I can totally relate to the shaving thing. I wrote about it once. Exactly about that. That he’d asked me to shave and when I did he didn’t even notice until it was growing back again… but that relationship was almost over. I really didn’t want to waste more energy discussing this.
    As I read this post for the second time, the first line struck me. ” I have needs I don’t want to have, things that aren’t fulfilled. I am mute and afraid to voice them.”.
    Whether or not you want to have those needs isn’t going to make them go away. That’s the difference between wanting and needing. A want is something you would really like to have. A need is something you cannot live without. So if yo have unfulfilled needs, they are not going to disappear. You need to voice them, so that he knows what they are and you can then both discuss how you want to satisfy them.

    You say you need good luck and some courage… Well, I’m sending you both.
    And big hugs to help as well…
    XO

    1. You’re so very right, Dawn! I’m not accustomed to sharing my needs because I learned somewhere along the line that I was requiring too much if people. It’s ridiculous, of course, but it’s my cross to bear.

      Good news, though: we talked last night and he was splendid. All my tension and resentment is gone. Goes to show my fears were unfounded 🙂

      Even the shaving chat went well! Lol

      Thanks for all your support. ❤️

      1. Your fears were rooted in past experiences. What you did last night is write a new history for yourself. So that you can go back and think: Oh, it didn’t go all that bad that time when I voiced my concerns and my needs. I probably should do it again.
        I was in a judgmental relationship, so voicing concerns was always scary, as they were most likely going to be dismissed as ‘silly’ or unimportant or unreal… I am now not afraid of stating my needs or my feelings. Or at least, much less afraid 🙂
        I’m so glad your chat went well though! It means we get to see pics of your hot man for a little while longer 😉

        Big hugs
        XO

    1. I agree! But we talked last night and straitened it all out. He impresses me at every turn. I have to remember to give him the chance. I’m so used to being quiet.

  4. Yes, make the extra effort to communicate. We’re all reluctant and clumsy to talk about the things that really matter, that we don’t fully understand. It sounds like he’ll be willing to suffer through it with you, to make it to the next level.

  5. Well, this is certainly sadder than I expected… I would ask if everything is alright, but it seems the answer is an obvious no. I’ll keep you in my thoughts, my dear Hy.

    And check your inbox. 😉

    1. I know it was sad, but it was a snapshot. Things have resolved somewhat overnight thanks to me stepping up and airing my grievances.

      I’ll write you back soon — getting ready to go on vacation, so I’ll have lots of time to respond! xx Hy

  6. It’s so hard to not let past experiences prevent us from trying again… good for you for expressing some of your feelings and then having another talk. I can completely relate. It’s a scary thing to do it, and to trust someone. But as you know, it’s way better than not taking care of your wants and needs. They are valid. But when we express them, we risk having to make a decision if our partner isn’t responsive to them. So glad to hear he was 🙂

  7. I’ve read you post and the comments and I think everyone had pretty much covered it. Just wanted to say I’m smiling for you both and without sounding condescending say I’m proud of you. It’s not easy overcoming old patterns and ways of thoughts, but you are doing it and I think it’s wonderful. 🙂

    xoxo

  8. I’m glad you got the “I am filled with resentment and confusion.” problem sorted out. You were right to lay down the problems here on your blog (even if it forever stays in ‘drafts’) as it helps you work out the issues as you explain it to other people. If you cannot do that, you cannot get full value out of the more important conversation with him.

    As a general rule, you cannot let these things fester. It will eat you, sooner or later, and not in a nice way.

    I don’t know what is behind your unhappiness, but it may be because TN is committed to work so much. IMHO, continual 70 hour weeks will either kill him or kill the relationship. From bitter experience I know that working that much is seriously unhealthy, long term. Everybody had a breaking point and the stronger ones just break harder when it happens. Let it settle for a few months but then move on if it has not got better or cannot be re-arranged. He is no longer a spotty 19 YO in mom’s basement, living on coke and pizza and coding or whatever all night, every night. The spots will fade, the damage won’t.

    1. I agree with you on all points. I’ve noticed he has a tendency to make grandiose statements, though, so I’ll try not to put too much stock into his pledge to work 70+ hours for the next 3 years. Only time will tell with that one.

      You’re such a supporter of me, Nick. I’m certain I could do almost no wrong in your eyes 🙂

  9. Common mistake women make, expecting men to communicate like women. For example, he will love your shaved pussy. Men just do. He wont say it unless you ask him to. Saying it doesn’t mean he loves it any more, just that he’s complying with your wishes. And raving about his beard every day isn’t the same. He’d be fine if you didn’t. You’re doing it because you want to, not because he needs you to. Of course, I’m projecting what I know of men and women on you and TN, and I could be all wrong, but I don’t think I am. Men need to be considerate and thoughtful, yes, and show appreciation, yes, but we’ll never be as considerate and thoughtful as women want us to be, even if they rant at us about it.

    1. Yes, I quite like your insight here too JK!
      I actually think that women ranting at you about anything makes it more likely that you will be less of something. Not more like we would want you to be.
      However, there is a way to communicate without ranting that may yield better results (says the woman who just got in a row with her teenager 😉 ). At least I’m still quite hopeful about it. Don’t crush my fantasy tonight, I really could do with it a little while longer…

  10. Sweet friend… It’s a dip. We all have them. I’m in one myself and it’s very hard. But in your case, he is just around the corner even if not just down the hall. And I’m coming to see you soon. Not that that makes everything better. But I am. Because I need to. And I think you need it too.
    Lots of love,
    Marian

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