There is no filter.

Hy let's the sun shine through
No really. There is no filter and half of me is gone.

My heart is dark.

I cannot shake doubt, this feeling of exclusion.

Something important about him is missing from my vocabulary.  I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s there. 

I want to believe him, he deserves my trust, but something is lodged inside of me.

Whether it’s by my own hand or his is yet to be seen.

What is love when alongside doubt?  I think it reeks of guilt.

There are no details to share.  This is it in a nutshell: either I’m creating chaos or identifying it.

Either choice is humiliating.
Sinful Sunday

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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53 thoughts on “There is no filter.
  1. We’re so good at sabotaging ourselves.

    Does history repeat itself because that’s what we expect it to do? We react to behaviours we are expecting rather than what are happening.

    Hope it works out. xx

        1. Keep looking, I’m sure there are plenty out there. You just need to keep an open mind to find them. They may disguise themselves a little in real life, but if you look a little deeper, you should find what you are looking for :-)

  2. Deep breaths.

    Does he read this?

    Have you told him exactly what you’re feeling? You two have got through so much together. Talk to each other. Analyse. Work it out. You both deserve this.

    Sorry, didn’t mean to be so firm. Wishing you all well.

    1. No, he doesn’t read this. He’s given me this space to be free.

      I have told him — to a large degree — but I’m still losing sleep. I’m working hard on it, though… I promise. xx Hy

  3. Man, I’ve been there. Where I tortured myself mercilessly. The only thing I know that helps is to remember that this particular torture is a dream that you are creating right now — the sense of urgency, the need to judge yourself, to find a firm answer– all that is simply in your head. If you can stop listening to all that, and look around and just see what is actually happening and don’t feel that you need to come to any great conclusions… Easier said than done, I know. And do remember that before this hit, you were an amazing person with an amazing, unknown future, and a month from now you will still be an amazing person with an amazing, unknown future. (Hugs.)

    1. Hy, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time again (or still going through a tough time from your previous struggles). I wish I had something great to say to help you out. I guess I’ll have to join in on all the virtual hugs. :) And I know Theo wrote these words to you…but seriously, Theo, thank you for this!! What a great thing to point out on being “an amazing person with an amazing, unknown future and a month from now you will still be an amazing person with an amazing, unknown future”. I SOOO needed this.

  4. This post makes me cry because….

    This post makes me sad because we are all so much alike. We have such a hard time believing that something truly beautiful can actually occur in our lives. Our fear is close to terror and if we allow it to fester, it destroys everything we want so deeply. Be afraid here with us, allow yourself to be fearless in your real life. Love with all your heart today.

    Je t’embrasse,
    Dawn

  5. I read this and don’t know what to say. I just want to hug you, hold you together until you’ve found the strength to look at what is in your heart. I know it’s only a virtual hug, but I know how they sometimes help me. I hope reading all the support and empathy you have here with us gives you some strength to go forward.
    And to end on a smile (or at least I hope so), I too want to say that your picture is beautiful, just like all pictures of you really ;-)
    XOOX

    1. Everyone’s virtual love and support has helped immensely. This stupid little blog means so much to me. Thank you for being a part of it, Dawn. xx Hy (haha I typoed “ju”)

      1. You have no idea how big an impact ‘this little blog’ has had on my life, and I’m sure that of so many others. Some who may comment, some who don’t.
        And as a blogger myself, I know exactly what you mean when you say it means so much to you.
        So please, don’t call it stupid. It is a part of you. It is a part of all of us. There is nothing stupid about that.
        And I’m glad my support alongside that of numerous others is a little bit helpful. :-)
        Big Hugs again!! xxOO

  6. What a conflicting post, a mesmerizing photo with a torrid tale…we feel for you deeply and wish you all the best. Just remember that if life were easy, it would be drab and boring…these challenges make us who we are and when we face them head on, adds to the zeal of what living means for most of us. Win or lose, make (up) or break (up), heartbeats or heartbreak, you WILL rebound and be a better person. Hang in there honey…xoxo.

  7. Those are some deep words to go along with a amazing pic, I feel like breaking down because I have been there.

  8. A certain man’s used to say to me often, when were still apart, 1000’s of miles apart, and I would find myself falling apart with the sheer stress of it all and doubting we would ever be together…. “if it was easy anyone could do it”. It used to make me grumble in frustration sometimes but you know what he was right. It wasn’t easy, but that wasn’t a reason not to do it because easy is dull, easy is alone, easy is not giving a part of yourself openly with the sure knowledge that you lay bare to all the hurt and pain that person could inflict if they so desire, easy is not love or passion or anger, or desire, or joy, or commitment…. these things are not easy but who cares, they are what make us alive. You are alive Hy, as is TN, let the rest go, let yourself go and take the tricky path, for the easy one is dull, predicable and bland.

    Mollyxxx

  9. Oh darling, sweet Hy, I’m aching for you right now, all the sentiments above I’m echoing in dump truck loads, along with all the virtual hugs. It’s true, you’re an amazing person, with an awesome ‘little blog’ that we share your love for & appreciate so much. Take care, you’ll come through the other side, still an amazing person. I wanted to add that your beautiful glow emanating from your pic is so purely ethereal & mesmerizing, thank you. :)

    1. Things have gotten much better since I wrote this little missive. I’m happy to report that that’s true :) Thank you for being so kind all the time. I’m a lucky person to have such support from you! xx Hy

  10. Gorgeous photo.
    Plus: there is always doubt when there is love. In my opinion, of course. But for me, from my experiences, if I don’t have even a tiniest trace of doubt, then it’s not important enough to really be love. If it wasn’t important, I wouldn’t worry about it. We only worry about the things important to us, and so doubt and worries are a natural sign of the strength of our emotion.
    I don’t know the details of things happening with you – but I hope this helps – and that you feel at peace with your relationship(s) and feelings soon. xxx

  11. Please don’t find me heartless because I spend the first half of this message scolding you for ever….ever suggesting you aren’t photogenic. You’re got such a gorgeous body and do not, as you’ve always claimed, rely upon tricks of the camera, lighting, etc, etc. to hide your flaws. I could do so much with a camera and you as my model. You make me crave that opportunity.

    Now, about TN. Fight your way to the heart of it. Make him fight his way to the heart of it. Do not rest and allow yourself time for speculation and fear. This is not the time to wonder, it’s the time to resolve, because the longer you wonder, the more time those poisonous thoughts will have time to leave their mark in you, even after you find it was nothing. The poisons will remain, only partially flushed out. This is when you let your Domme side come out, you take control, you make him speak to you until you’re satisfied. “Do not go gentle into that good night” (I know, that’s quote’s about dying, but isn’t a heart’s pain close enough?)

    1. I took your words to heart, JK, but not towards TN, towards myself. I run from my fears too much. I don’t know if he would; I’ve never given him the chance! But the poisons are being flushed, as we speak. It’s a process :) xx Hy

  12. Dear Hy,

    I haven’t “known” you for long, and I don’t know the details, of course, but I want to add my own virtual hugs and empathy to the above. I wish you peace, within yourself, and within your relationship with TN.

    Jade

    1. Aw, thanks, Jade! Hugs are always appreciated! You know how awesome this community is. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Thanks for sending me hugs (and kindness)!

  13. Hugs to you Hy. I don’t know what else to say. You always seem to have the perspective you need. I hope you’re alright. xo, Jayne

  14. I’ve been where you are. There are always two perspectives in every situation. Don’t let your past control the one you see. I believe in you. You can handle anything that comes your way.

    Btw…by far the most beautiful picture of you that I have seen. DAMN!

    1. Aw, thanks!! That’s awfully kind of you to say :)

      As to the other stuff, you’re right about not letting your past control your present, but damn… it’s hard! :)

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