The cosmic joke is on me.

I’m sitting on my balcony, half drunk, tears running down my face.  I’m pretty sure people walking their dogs could just hear me crying as I lay on the couch, clutching a pillow, and moaning like an asshole.

Here’s the thing: I am sad.  Very, very, very sad.

I deny it every day, but all it does is make me feel antsy; full when I’m empty, empty when I’m full.   I can’t tell which end is up.  The heat here makes my skin prickle, but I’m cold inside.

My exhusband is marrying his girlfriend — no, fiancée — in the fall.  It happens to happen the weekend before Peyton’s birthday and they’ve conveniently planned it so they’ll be out of town not only for the big day itself (old enough to notice, if you must know), but they’ll also be gone the weekend before and the weekend after is their big “wedding party.”  Sorry, Peyton, but your dad and future step-mother are selfish sons-of-bitches who know no ends to their narcissism.   They have yet to break the news.

Secondly, I am barely making ends meet, yet my ex continues to go on love-trips with his fiancée every other month.  Expensive excursions, though not luxurious, but I know even a weekend trip by car can cost hundreds of dollars let alone a plane ticket away.  Of course they leave  the kids at home, leaving Peyton thinking there’s something on the child’s end of responsibility to that.  Oh, did I forget to mention the kids (hers and mine) are not invited to the wedding??  Nope.  It’s just the two love birds “and an officiant.”  Good for fucking you, exhusband. 

Thirdly, while my ex is off getting married, moving in, and sending rejection messages to our kid, I can’t even get my boyfriend to stay the night or go away for the weekend with me.  He absolutely refuses most nights and the trips aren’t even an option.  Forget it, Hy.  I hate traveling.  My parents dragged me blah blah fucking blah.  The truth is, he’s ok with hanging out in our apartments for the rest of our fucking lives.

They’re not connected, I know, but yet they are.  I can’t fucking help it.  The Neighbor says he’s forgotten his “slut kit” (a.k.a. contact stuff, toothbrush, etc.) but when I buy him his own he still goes home.  “I just really like my own bed.”  A pause sits between us when he breaks the news last night.  “You’re not mad, are you?”

“No.  But I’m sad,” I say, honest as can be.  Why won’t he stay with me???  Why does it seem there’s something wrong with me that I want him to sleep over?!

Tonight we had plans but he begged off earlier saying he needed to pack and hole up in his man cave.  What-fucking-ever.  Fine.

Lastly, my sister is pregnant with her third baby.  I wanted 3 babies.  That was my dream.  My ex and I tried for a second but the anxiety meds he was on fucked up his sperm.  Even an artificial insemination didn’t take.  She’s living her life — the life I wanted.  Babies everywhere, toddlers in pjs with wet hair from bath time with a strip of sonogram pictures laid out between them on mommy and daddy’s bed.  The perfect little batch of kiddies.  Who aren’t mine.

I am heart-broken a million different ways.  Alone and sad and wanting.

I think half the time the best thing to do is to cut TN loose so I can find someone who expects and wants to spend entire weekends with me.  And holidays and birthdays and friends’ things and to whisk me away on road-trip-weekends and introduce me to his family in Seattle or Burbank or Long Island.  Instead, I have a guy who loves me, but leaves by 11 pm every night, hates sleepovers, travel, family & friend things, anything whatsoever remotely resembling a commitment or a life together.  Like together.  Just fucking dating “together.”  I’m not even talking “forever together”!

Half the time I think I’m nuts and off my rocker, the other half I think, “No woman would put up with this bullshit, you’re either a genius, a saint, or an asshole, Hy.  Anyone would want what you want. There’s nothing wrong with you.”   But I’m not convinced and I haven’t figured out which one I am, yet.

Ok, I am in my cups, and feel sadly clear, like the tears on my cheeks.  I bet they’re see-through, too.

But, I will be silent for a while longer and see what happens.  I will never have 3 babies, nor will I be getting married — possibly ever –, but maybe my boyfriend will finally want to spend the night with me more than 2, 3, 4 times a month and want to be a part of my life — my real life — and if that’s the case, then maybe this will last after all, because as it stands today, all I feel is what I don’t have.  Not what I do have.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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30 thoughts on “The cosmic joke is on me.
  1. Oh man, there is a heckuva lot of hurting going on!
    While I can’t be certain, but I do believe that situations appear to be at their worst just before things improve. This isn’t the way things have to be. It is just a season. It had a beginning and it will have an end and you will be a better person when you come out the other end!

    Hang tough! You are an amazing woman with amazing talents, skills and experiences. You will feel authentic love in the near future. Just hold on for a bit longer!

  2. Hy,

    I’m so sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to “like” this post. It’s a terrible thing when you are faced with these things that you want, and you feel like you can’t have them. Or know you can’t have them.

    I’m around if you need me :)

    1. Thanks, Ann. I’ve felt quite stuck for some time and struggle with the question of if it weren’t for my ex and my sister would I feel so keenly this sense of not-having?? Thanks for being there. xx Hy

  3. Oh Hy, I hate to see you hurting too :'(
    A lot of pain & hurt going through you atm, it’s true, at it’s worse it usually turns for the better so the turning point can’t be far off at all. As for what you’re seeking, no you’re not nuts or off your rockets, you’re you & your feelings & what you want matter. Hang in there, sending you big cool soothing winter’s hug :)

    1. Thanks for the feedback. I swear that sometimes when I express a need I feel as though I’m asking waaaay too much. It sucks donkey balls. Big, hot summer hug back to you :)

  4. This is all a catalyst to a eureka moment. While some (mostly your inner you) will tell you to think of what you have versus what you don’t, you’re also not getting any younger or being given more time to wait. It’s fair and understandable to think long term right now, especially when your boy’s blissful innocence may about to end. Everything you are feeling, whilst sad, is an unfortunate reality and I send you as much positivity and strength as I can through this screen. We’re not close but as a fellow blogger/bust buddy, it’s aweful that you’re going through this but I’m here if you need someone to vent to. Or flash. Either or. Take care, Hy. xxx

    1. Aw, thanks so very much for your thoughtful words, Scar. It probably is leading up to a eureka moment. It’s scary to think of what it is, though… It’s not like TN isn’t trying… Just makes me sad :( xx Hy

  5. It’s so hard when it feels like we have everything we should/could want (I put those together, like they’re even close, but they are nothing alike, and yet both so true)… and we still feel unsatisfied… we feel the lack of whatever it is we’re missing deeply. Sigh.

    It’s also hard when exes move on when we are not even close to being as happy as we want.

    Meh.

    I love you.
    xoxo

    1. The last thing you said about exes is so true. I think it’s ridiculous that he’s remarrying so quickly. On paper it seems like a long time, but it feels like warp speed to me. And reckless for our child :-(

      I love you, too. xx Hy

  6. Dear one. Have your cry. Have several. Let them do their cathartic work. And then, when it’s a new day and you don’t have your world crashing around you, stop and think about all the positives in your life. And then… Think about how much of the time you react to circumstances instead of making a decision and plowing ahead. One isn’t better than the other. But if doing things one way isn’t yielding contentment, perhaps it’s time to change things up a little.

    Love you dearly.
    M

    1. Indeed… I’m just not certain I’m ready to try something new because that new thing would mean the end of this old thing. I’ve beaten this horse to death with TN — he KNOWS how I feel — yet he is unable to make it better. It’s what we talked about a week ago. Maybe this is as far as he can take it with me. I thought I had much more patience, but my sister’s pregnancy and the ex’s wedding crowds in on me, heightens my emotions somehow.

      It just blows. And not in the good way. ;).

      Love you dearly, too. xx Hy

  7. I’m with Scarlett Dubois here: eureka moment coming up. It happened, over a longer time period, with the “I love you.” thing.

    You can do this.

    Oh! and “…you’re either a genius, a saint, or an asshole, Hy.” It’s possible to be all three, and more.

    Admit it, you smiled (maybe even giggled a little) then, didn’t you? :)

  8. I’m back…
    I feel for you. As everyone else is saying, hang in there. I too am pretty sure that a eureka moment is coming, but only you will know what it is when you see it.
    Peyton will survive. Your ex is behaving like an asshole and children pick up on that pretty quickly. They know who cares for/about them and who doesn’t. And your child knows or will know soon enough. (I wish I could follow my own advice here and believe it. Maybe adolescence is a different phase and they react differently? I don’t know. I do know it’s tough to hurt and see your child hurt too though).
    Try and let go about the hurt to see your ex moving on. Just know that if he goes into this relationship the way he went into his previous ones, it’s bound to fail too. Whereas you are trying real hard to move forward and not reproduce the same mistakes, he is just trying to go through a pattern of avoidance (my kid? What kid?). Guess who will be happier in the end?
    As for the money, I totally feel it too! I’m deep in that shit at the moment! And to know that he can take the kids away on holidays, rented a place somewhere and so on, while I had to make do with the worries of where is the money coming to feed those kids of mine while they are with me? It is draining. But this too shall pass. One day karma will bite their fucked up asses and we’ll be fine :-)
    I can totally relate to the number of babies thing. Right now, you’re grieving the perfect life plan you had in your mind as a teenager/young adult. Get married, have three beautiful babies, live life happily, watch them grow, spread their wings and still have a companion to be with you during old age. I am going through a similar process. The only difference is I got the number of babies I wanted, even if it wasn’t always easy. But is this really better? Because I had the babies I wanted, it also means that I stayed in a shitty marriage for much longer and am now much older to realise that life is worth living, not just plowing along.
    Plus you’re still young, who is to say that you will never have more children? Life sometimes has strange plans for us. Only time will tell.
    For me, now, the fact is I will probably never have children with a supportive man. I had all my babies, but I never had one pregnancy/labour/delivery/toddler years like I was picturing it in my mind. It’s just a different kind of shitty :-/
    As for TN… you are not crazy. You need someone to live with you, you need to feel the love everyday, you need someone who wants to do things with you aside from fuck, discover new places, want to cuddle up with you and not care if you snore (did you smile a little here? :-) )? That’s your prerogative. It’s his to not be able to give it to you. As with any relationship, it’s a matter of give and take. What am I prepared to give in order to keep what I have. I think men are much better equipped to state their needs and take care of them (at least that is what I have experienced over the years. Now I feel like I’m the selfish bitch, but that’s another story), society usually tells them it’s Ok to go after your needs. It tells women we have to care for the babies, our aging parents and so on… it’s engrained into us from a young age that we need to put other people’s needs before our own. Possibly even genetically coded… so it feels difficult to put our needs first for once. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. Ugh, I don’t know. I’m trying to figure this thing as I go too…

    Whatever your epiphany is, whatever path you decide your life needs to go down now… we’ll be here. I’ll be here, going through my own shit so you don’t feel all alone ;-)
    Big big hugs to you Hy. Hang on!
    XOXO

    1. I wonder all the time how he could possibly be getting married, but he was good about “being together” when it came down to it. As for the quality of the togetherness, that’s another issue. There really is no telling if this marriage will last. For my baby’s sake I hope it does. Less turnover, you could say.

      Re the kids, I felt the loss of children I’d likely never have when my marriage ended. I’m almost 39, more kids aren’t an option. TN doesn’t want them, I’m not keen to the idea of another lifelong relationship with someone (considering how bad things are with my ex right now, you can’t blame me), and it’s not like even if TN and I ended it I’d feel remotely safe enough with someone else to have a baby before I’m well into my 40s (and frankly, I don’t want to have a child that old).

      Thanks for thinking I’m not crazy. Poor TN, he really is trying… It just might not change :( big hugs back to you! xx Hy

  9. Hard feelings to feel and so many of us have been there. Feel it completely is all I can say. My ex left me because he was having an affair and got her pregnant, which I only found out last year so I finally had a reason as to why he left after having a giant question mark over my head for the last 28 years! I saw the dick head on YouTube (he’s an actor). He didn’t age well at all. He looks just like his father..a wrinkly old man…Yikes! I had to laugh because I thought his balls must be down to his knees by now. They hung pretty low when he was 28 so I can only imagine. No, wait, I don’t want to imagine.

    I hope that made you laugh. You will be the one that comes out ahead.

      1. I’ll make a long story short. Couldn’t sleep so I was on YouTube watching comedy videos. Saw a link for clips from an audience participation show I had heard about. Watched and then there he was. We were in acting school together and he wanted to be a comedian. I was in shock. Looked him up on FB and his whole life was right there. Saw a birthday post to his oldest son and did the math. His wife didn’t age well either. They look like elderly grandparents. Coach and I don’t look our ages. Karma, baby. I am ecstatic I’m not married to him. He did me such a favor.

  10. I’ve been reading your blog for months but never commented until now, Hy.

    One of the worst things about depression is the never-ending sadness. Yes, it wanes at times but it’s always there, right below the surface. I’ve struggled for years to deal with it and finally emerge from the shadows, but it’s been a losing battle for me thus far. I hope that you are able to right things in your life and find happiness.

    I cannot imagine scheduling my wedding to coincide with my child’s birthday—no matter what birthday it is. Truly selfish and repugnant! You son will learn, in time, what type of man his father is. You are the rock in his life and your place in his heart will grow in time as his father’s likely fades. And that is okay.

    To be succinct, just drop TN. Clearly you and he want different things out of the relationship. Why continue holding onto hope that he will change or you can somehow will him to. Based on what I’ve read, I believe he is an engineer. Those guys are usually overly analytical and bad at relationships. Yes, the sex may be amazing but there are many of us out there who are reliably fantastic lovers. ;) Find one who embraces you wholly.

    I’ll try to be less of a lurker from now on. :)

  11. Hy

    I don’t post comments too often…but wanted to just let you know I’m sorry your feeling down and hurting about a lot of things. We’re all here for you in this community. :) It may always seem like the grass is greener on the other side. (the ex, your sister) it rarely is. It’s just that your only seeing your challenges right now.

    I hope this helps in at least a small way to make you feel better…Hugs Kate

  12. Damn…I mean…just damn. And yet there are so many guys who would kill to be wanted and here is some idiot(the bf) who can’t be bothered to see what he really has.

    It’s purely frustrating to see so many people who have so many relationship issues….myself included.

  13. I am so sorry because I read this the day you posted it and didn’t get a chance to say anything. I don’t have any answers, just my love to send you. It did make me ask myself a question though. If TN was spending the night, planning vacations together…would the physical aspect of your relationship stay as thrilling? For this past year, I have been putting the sexual side of my life in one drawer, the love side in another. Sure, I would like to have both, with one person, but so far, no luck. Oddly, I am kind of happy with my arrangement. Maybe TN’s inability to commit is what makes him so….desirable. Maybe I am totally off base.

    I am hugging you Sweet Hyacinth.
    Love,
    Dawn

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