I have a Boobday update and an apology for you.

July was really great in a “woohoo I don’t have any deadlines!” kind of way and then August sneaked up on me and Bam!  The first Friday was come and gone, then Whoosh!  The second Friday was toast, too.

I don’t know what happened, honestly.  I feel disconnected, discombobulated.  I can’t tell if it’s because of my mental state or if it’s because my blogging community, once at my fingertips, is now sometimes unavailable to me.

My mental state, let’s be honest, is shitty, at best.  I have long inner dialogues with The Neighbor about taking a break.  I imagine tears on both sides as I explain how starved I feel and pitiful whenever I get the smallest bone.  A little hug closer, anyone?

I keep wondering if the problems with my gut this week — which have been the most severe of my life — aren’t someone directly connected to the twisted, painful mess in my heart.  I wouldn’t be surprised.

I’m exhausted and feel as though I’m a giant bag of whiny.  My blog hasn’t been ME all year.  First with Sonofabitch then with telling TN about the blog.  I haven’t really known what to say here.  I certainly haven’t felt it was safe like it was.  It’s felt different somehow.

Then I moved to self-hosted, something I had to do in order to protect my identity.  It was the only way.  And with a few keystrokes I lost so much access to my blogging friends.  I am remote 99% of the time, meaning I use my phone to interact with your blogs, but that has been severely limited since moving to self-hosted.

Do you remember when I was able to keep up with your tales?  All my likes and little comments?  Yeah, well, sometimes I’m not even given a link to open in Safari.  I think, I’ll go back and look it up, just let me scroll down and comment/like what I can first and then I inevitably forget.  I feel like a shit friend to you all.

And that brings us back to Boobday.  Having accidentally missed August has made me realize how much good it brought in my life; hosting a little meme that brought women together, bolstered their self-confidence, and gave a teeny little community of cheerleaders was gold.  I want that back, but less intensely.

I’d like to bring Boobday back, but this time only the last Friday of every month.  That means, Friday, August 29th, will be the next Boobday!  The theme will be OPEN, so be as creative or traditional as you like.

Hopefully I haven’t driven you all away with my emo bullshit lately and you’ll still be willing and able to participate.  Just label your emails with “August Boobday” and we can go from there.

My hope is to sort out things with TN sooner rather than later, resolve my bellyache so I can stop bellyaching, and reconnect with everyone I hold so dear.  All of you who have commented and contributed over the years are all in my heart and my mind.  I can remember almost every single commenter, prolific or fleeting.  You are important to me. And I hope to prove it in the coming months.

xx

Hy

40 thoughts on “I have a Boobday update and an apology for you.

  1. Hi darling.

    Your blog is secondary to everything else in your life. Everyone here who loves you does/will understand that. You’re having a shit show of a time right now. Just hang in there, baby. And if you need anything at all, you know how to reach me.

    Xoxo

  2. Boy, am I feeling you on this one. Our blogger friends are so important, yet so many things get in the way, and most of them aren’t nearly as much fun.

    And this blog is for you, not us. I like seeing you on boobday, sure, you are hot and funny and sexy and all, but don’t do anything that’s not fun for you. Don’t write for us, go Emo if you feel Emo, rant if you want to rant, and, when the time somes, shut the whole mother down and move on.

  3. Hy – there is no need to apologise. You and TN need to have a proper chat and suss out where you are, as you both appear to be pulling in different directions. My problems are more complicated – I reckon I am fallinf for someone completely unobtainable in another country, whilst flirting with two women old enough to be my daughter.

    Sexuality is a weird thing, I’m not sure what I want but there must be an answer somewhere, for both of us. Much love your way, that way.

    Kev
    XLXOX3

    • Kev, tangled webs and all that, though I’m not saying anyone’s deceiving anyone else. Or maybe just ourselves?? But thank you for your support. I still feel shitty, though.

      There are answers, but I’m convinced they’re embedded in the journey to discover them, you know, there all along. xx Hy

  4. HY – It is healthy to empty the well from time to time. Your feelings are valid and your need to express them real. You are not whiny or emo….you are simply human love. And a wonderful one at that. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    XOXO

  5. Hy, Hy, Hy. Please stop apologising. We’re thinking of you, of course, and hope you get things sorted out. Here’s a thought, offered only half in jest…

    TN is an introvert, you seem to be an extrovert. I know this problem. I am way out on the extrovert spectrum, whereas Silverdrop is an introvert.

    You and TN are paying rent on two apartments right now. I suspect that for the same amount of money, you might be able to rent one home that’s large enough for your introverted TN to have somewhere that’s his space – spare bedroom with an office. A granny flat as we would call a bolt on smaller unit over here?

    Just a thought. *hugs* to ya! 🙂

    • Ha! Oh man, I’m not sure I’m ready for even that kind of commitment! lol I just want to feel like I’m cherished, appreciated, and loved. I don’t think we’ve gotta cohabitate to achieve that!

      How have you and Silverdrop figured out the balance over the years, I’m curious. xx Hy

  6. You know we’ll wait for more boobday posts. As for driving any away with your words, I know I enjoy your posts and will keep following whatever you wish to share.

  7. Hy, Hy, Hy…the ONLY apology you owe is to *YOURSELF* for beating yourself up as you have! And I couldn’t disagree with SilverD more…the LAST thing you should do right now is live with TN…until your differences are sorted and you are getting an equal share from this “relationship” you would only be setting yourself up for more heartbreak, and from your recent musings, it sure seems you’ve had your fill of late.

    Although you’re a clearly a woman in her ‘prime’ with a healthy sexual appetite, have you thought about taking sex off the table until you resolve these other, deeper issues? Difficult as that may be, even though it’s something you may want, it appears to be the ONLY thing he comes around for (pun intended)…he doesn’t want to travel, doesn’t want to spend the night, rarely wants to cuddle, but seems he’s often there to provide sex when you suggest it. A friend-with-minimal-benefits…at least not the ones that really count!

    I hope you resolve this sooner rather than later too, as life is way too short to squander it as woefully as you have. Perhaps a stern heart-to-heart is needed, without letting him off with his usual deflections…force answers from him that actually mean something…to him and to you.

    I wish you all the best, even if that means more sorrow and heartbreak before the upturn you so deserve! REACH FOR THE STARS BABY!

    • You’re right about needing to talk, but I assure you it’s not quite as bad as you’ve illustrated here. Yes, I feel as though the scales re tipped in his favor, but he might tell you the same (in my favor).

      I’m going through a rough patch, serious doubts are rearing their ugly head. I’m trying to be as deliberate and fair as I can be. It’s hard. Relating to other people long term is fucking harder.

      And don’t forget SilverDom was half joking :). Maybe if we had a mansion!

  8. Hy, Hy, Hy…the ONLY apology you owe is to *YOURSELF* for beating yourself up as you have! And I couldn’t disagree with SilverD more…the LAST thing you should do right now is live with TN…until your differences are sorted and you are getting an equal share from this “relationship” you would only be setting yourself up for more heartbreak, and from your recent musings, it sure seems you’ve had your fill of late.

    Although you’re a clearly a woman in her ‘prime’ with a healthy sexual appetite, have you thought about taking sex off the table until you resolve these other, deeper issues? Difficult as that may be, even though it’s something you may want, it appears to be the ONLY thing he comes around for (pun intended)…he doesn’t want to travel, doesn’t want to spend the night, rarely wants to cuddle, but seems he’s often there to provide sex when you suggest it. A friend-with-minimal-benefits…at least not the ones that really count!

    I hope you resolve this sooner rather than later too, as life is way too short to squander it as woefully as you have. Perhaps a stern heart-to-heart is needed, without letting him off with his usual deflections…force answers from him that actually mean something…to him and to you.

    I wish you all the best, even if that means more sorrow and heartbreak before the upturn you so deserve! REACH FOR THE STARS BABY!

  9. Hy, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… Boobday is great, you know I love it, but nothing in blogworld should come before what happens in your life.
    No need to apologise about it. You know we’ll be here, Boobday or not.
    As for the gut problems… anything related to the colon has to do with letting go…
    I experienced something similar a few weeks ago… I hope you figure it out before you’re worn out 🙂

    Big hugs again. XOOX

      • Well… you may remember me offering you some advice on a cold once… this is the same type of advice. I’m dead serious about it, I tried to find the best possible way to say it in English, but yes, just like liver represents anger and lungs sadness/grief, colon has to do with letting go 🙂
        What you are trying to let go of is for you to figure out, it could be that perfect life with 3 children that you described in a previous post, not wanting to do Boobday on a weekly basis anymore and feeling bad about it, or your relationship with TN… or a little bit of everything and maybe even more 🙂
        That bit I cannot figure out for you. Heck, I’m having trouble figuring it out for myself! But well… just know you’re not the only one having to let go of a few things 🙂
        Now, if I could at least get my liver under control!
        XOOX

  10. I just deleted my blog life, again. Just another depression driven impulsive decision, but one for the best. I’m done, for a long time or for good, I think. Might get stir crazy and need an outlet when winter comes around again though.
    I hope you keep this up a long while, but I seem to remember telling you long ago what your fortune said to you. Whenever you’re ready : ) I’ll buy a copy. I’ll probably read it too, but I do have a habit of just adding books to my shelves and never picking them up again. Just wisdom for future generations…
    No, I’ll read it, for sure.
    I’m kicking the majority of the internet out of my life for a time. No IGF or virtual lives and online representatives or even good and bad entertainment. I have a real life to work on, as the cosmic jokes on me have been rather cruel and unusual lately. Been helping a number of women feel better about themselves so that they stick with dicks that don’t really deserve them while I continue to sleep alone. Which could be for the best, because I have to go get what might be a fucking wart checked out, a present from the last one years ago. If it is what I’m afraid it is, then sweet Jesus, I just don’t know.
    I really thought this was the summer I was going to write a new chapter, and here it’s nearly Fall again. Fuck… Lewis Black’s new stand-up special made me feel a little better about some things, though I don’t know how I feel about relating so well to a guy twice my age.
    Well, Hy, it is with great reluctance I wish you the best and say goodbye to ADLM. I just need to withdraw from the world of sharing and get a little selfish for a bit. I think about others too much and forget about this guy here. I know you have some similar feelings, and you shouldn’t be sorry to the online community for taking any breaks from boobday or anything else. This isn’t really real, after all. It’s just a mindfuck, and while it has its uses and benefits, it has just as many, if not more, pitfalls and self-image traps and even in some cases like yours, possible legitimate dangers.
    Use the net to your advantage, but stay aware and wary of the ways it can manipulate. I’ve been giving out all kinds of advice lately and not taking any of my own. When it comes to the net, I just need to be rid of it for now.
    Take care, Hy, and good luck with the TN. I’m still going through some heartbreak over a young-un who doesn’t know what she wants. Youth can be pretty damn frustrating. Not that you or I are old, or TN all that young, but there still seems to be a point during our thirties that we snap out of a lot of dumb ideas and come to better terms with things from our more youthful youth…
    Here’s to better days ahead. I have little doubt that they will improve, short of a massive Ebola outbreak…… that could really jam some shit up for a while.

    Many heartfelt hugs,

    -Justin

    • Justin, I’m responding knowing you likely won’t get this, but I’m so glad we bumped into each other. Got your email, too, of course. Thx. I’ll be taking you up on it. xx Hy

  11. Take care of your life. Take care of you. We all get that life kicks our asses at times. The answers and lessons come when we least expect then.

    I’ll be here for boobday!

  12. Hy,

    Please don’t worry at all about the timeline and stress of starting up Boobday again. The most important thing for you and for us to help you with is to get your life back on a positive trajectory. You’ve been going through a lot emotionally, mentally and even physically but we’re all here for you! If nothing else we can all listen as you need or want to talk on here. I appreciate and admire your writing and they mean a lot to me…
    Take care and just know you have a friend here in Raleigh, NC.

    PS – If you need help with Boobday let me know what I can do to help. Share the effort if you need to.

    A big HUG…Kate.

  13. New reader here, and I must say I am enjoying the few posts I have read so far. One that I read earlier that I am intending on going back to to comment, as it touched me a lot. Thanks for sharing! xx KisserGirl

  14. Pingback: I live in a sex-positive bubble. - A Dissolute Life Means...

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