I got a fortune cookie with a bright idea. And a pregnancy test.

Hy shares some cleavage
Boobs for dayz.

This week my iron constitution has thrown up her hands and walked away and I’ve been reduced to turning down softball, sex, and booze.  Such a sad, damn week, y’all, when all I can eat without immediate stomach cramps is white rice.  I’m miserable, weak, forgetful.  A general mess.

Today my chiropractor — who’s selling herself short with that label, she’s really a holistic healing shaman  — suggested I switch to the rice.  I swung by the corner Asian restaurant and left with, “Yes, just 3 cups of plain white rice.  No, I’m not making something else with it.  No, no sauces, thank you.  Ok, I’ll take the cookie.”  I inhaled half the rice and went to “lunch” where all I “ate” was some San Pellegrino.

My breasts have also been tender.  And enormous.  The Neighbor and I have been marveling at them all week while I wince when he touches them.  He came to cuddle last night and when he flicked a nipple straining against my tank top I shrieked a little.   “Maybe you’re pregnant,” he said.

“Well, then that’d mean it’s Baby Jesus,” I retorted.  “I’ve been religious with my pills and you haven’t cum in me in months.  And that’d make you fucking God.”

“No,” he laughed.  “That’d make you fucking God!”  Such a comedian.

This morning — while dying a little in the bathroom yet again — I Googled “diarrhea and sore breasts pregnant.”  Turns out I’m not the first to have this particular confluence of symptoms (those poor ladies).  The conclusion?  Possible.  So I bought a pack of three tests.

When I got home from the drug store I knocked out the rest of the rice and snatched up my fortune cookie.  I peeled the wrapper, cracked it open, and found one of the loveliest little notes I’ve ever gotten.  My “What if” brain went to, Well, if I make that happen I can certainly support a new baby! 

Hy's fortune.
“You have a charming way with words and should write a book.”

I’m not too worried about being pregnant, honestly.  My breasts are less tender today and it would basically be a miracle if anything got fertilized, but it’s always good to have a couple of tests laying around just for peace of mind.  I’ll wait until tomorrow morning to pee on the stick and this weekend before I start on the book.  It’s good to have things to look forward to.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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13 thoughts on “I got a fortune cookie with a bright idea. And a pregnancy test.
  1. It’s obvious it’s not a possibility in your mind, but how would you feel if you were? Book writing, a special kind of labor all by itself. You have a lot of good things to say.

    1. I could write an entire post about being pregnant. There have been a few scares already. It’s not a thrilling thought. TN wouldn’t want to keep it so if I did, I’d be on my own, I think :-/

  2. I really like the fortune cookie!
    And well, being me, I love the idea of a new baby, so a part of me is all “Yeeeeeee!”.
    But then, I also understand the implications it would have for you, so I’ll wait with bated breath about the result.
    (and to be clear, though I have this part that thinks Yeeee, when thinking about babies, it is also very clear in my mind that I *don’t* want one myself…)
    Good luck with it all, I’m looking forward to the book :-)

  3. My how things can get complicated for a single girl, even when she’s careful, and extremely good. Here’s hoping you get what you (don’t) want. And that iron constitution better get her ass back from holiday next week.

    Mike

  4. I can’t say that I’ve ever looked forward to peeing on a stick….I have really bad aim! I think that you really should write a book! I want to but everything I think is so jumbled, I’m not sure how I could put it all in order. Coherency and Me do not go together! Ha! Eat rice, write a book, get famous and start planning the International Sex Blogger Conference. Somewhere in my neighborhood. I have no available cash for travel!

    Bises on a stick,
    Dawn

  5. Not to make fun of an uncomfortable situation…

    …but I can imagine some nasty fuckin’ images that Google search could have turned up. ;)

    I hope you’re feeling better today, Hy.

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