This week my iron constitution has thrown up her hands and walked away and I’ve been reduced to turning down softball, sex, and booze. Such a sad, damn week, y’all, when all I can eat without immediate stomach cramps is white rice. I’m miserable, weak, forgetful. A general mess.
Today my chiropractor — who’s selling herself short with that label, she’s really a holistic healing shaman — suggested I switch to the rice. I swung by the corner Asian restaurant and left with, “Yes, just 3 cups of plain white rice. No, I’m not making something else with it. No, no sauces, thank you. Ok, I’ll take the cookie.” I inhaled half the rice and went to “lunch” where all I “ate” was some San Pellegrino.
My breasts have also been tender. And enormous. The Neighbor and I have been marveling at them all week while I wince when he touches them. He came to cuddle last night and when he flicked a nipple straining against my tank top I shrieked a little. “Maybe you’re pregnant,” he said.
“Well, then that’d mean it’s Baby Jesus,” I retorted. “I’ve been religious with my pills and you haven’t cum in me in months. And that’d make you fucking God.”
“No,” he laughed. “That’d make you fucking God!” Such a comedian.
This morning — while dying a little in the bathroom yet again — I Googled “diarrhea and sore breasts pregnant.” Turns out I’m not the first to have this particular confluence of symptoms (those poor ladies). The conclusion? Possible. So I bought a pack of three tests.
When I got home from the drug store I knocked out the rest of the rice and snatched up my fortune cookie. I peeled the wrapper, cracked it open, and found one of the loveliest little notes I’ve ever gotten. My “What if” brain went to, Well, if I make that happen I can certainly support a new baby!
I’m not too worried about being pregnant, honestly. My breasts are less tender today and it would basically be a miracle if anything got fertilized, but it’s always good to have a couple of tests laying around just for peace of mind. I’ll wait until tomorrow morning to pee on the stick and this weekend before I start on the book. It’s good to have things to look forward to.