I live in a sex-positive bubble.

Hy in a cardigan

I love the kitty bomb.

It’s recently come to my attention that I live in a bubble.  It’s a sleek, sex-positive bubble, shiny and open-minded, inquisitive and searching.  It doesn’t judge others, it doesn’t believe in “right” or “wrong,” and it certainly doesn’t try to categorize every little atom it comes in contact with.  My bubble believes that if it’s between two consenting adults who are exercising informed consent — no 16 yo in love with a 45 yo kind of thing — then I am all for it.  No matter if I would ever do it or not.

This means that I won’t judge an illicit affair between two adults, or a gang bang, or someone getting bruised and beaten, tied up and ravaged.  Or maybe it means I’m ok with a woman being hunted down by a group of people in the woods whilst half-naked or if another woman only has sex with the lights off and the covers on.  Go ahead, sniff panties!  Perhaps I’m on the side of the man who loves it when his lover straps a dildo on and goes wild on his pert ass and then they get up and make pancakes for their sleepy, chubby-cheeked children.  It could mean that I support waiting to engage in sex until marriage if that’s what they want.

I am accepting of transwomen and -men; I don’t need them to cut things off or add them for their existence to make sense.  It’s none of my fucking business and I count myself lucky that I don’t have to prove to anyone that I have the right to be me.  They don’t have to be straight or gay.  Their parts are theirs as are their lovers and they may mix and match and call it whatever they like.  Are they happy?  Are they consenting?  It may be diametrically different from my personal experience of my own body, self, and sex, but I will never feel that I am “right” and they are “wrong.”

I believe that sexual orientation is about love and attraction, not orifices; that women have the right to be frank about sexual health concerns.  We do not carry the onus of being polite.  Everyone gets to fuck, not just fit, pretty people.

Sex is noisy, sloppy, messy and as complicated as you let it become.  We can fall in love or walk away, but we have the ultimate choice as to how we approach it.  I forget sometimes that on some level my entire world is filled with basically like-minded people, but it isn’t reality for many.

For many more women sex and their sexuality is shrouded in shame, guilt, and a strange responsibility to live up to standards.  We have to search for our sexual organs and our desire — it’s so different for men, their penis begs for attention and exploration — and we’ve never been encouraged to do so.  I still cringe when I think about the “mirror challenge,” and I’m ashamed to admit it.  It’s not because I hate my vulva, but because I just never, ever see it.  It’s an alarming thing in a way, all the folds, the dusky pinks, the little hairs that I’ve been told aren’t supposed to be there.

Becoming sexual and owning it is a hurdle, a rite of passage in a way.  We have to remove the cloak of shame and own who we are sexually.  Maybe we’re kinky as fuck, maybe we aren’t straight, maybe we’re not cis, maybe we’re asexual, maybe we’re vanilla as fuck and monogamous to the bone, like an Emperor penguin.  Maybe we aren’t what we think we should be.

I should not want to watch porn with my boyfriend, I should love every position equally, I should not want to touch myself, I should not want to get sex over with quickly, I should want to masturbate, I should be able to take all of my lover, I should not have casual sex, I should not like anal sex.

I wish women thought, “Hey, my lover likes it, I like it, it has zero connection to my character and self-worth so I feel good about it.”

Can you imagine a world such as that??  I can’t.

Those of us who are open in these ways are characterized as outliers, freaks, even sex addicts.  Some couples who are hetero-normative and monogamous say that if we could fix what was wrong with us, then we could be happy like them, though really modern-day life doesn’t work that great for lifelong monogamy, does it?  Some of us don’t carry that penguin gene.

I’m upset that men and women, but especially women, carry such a burden when it comes to their bodies and their sexuality.  I wish I could invite them all to my bubble where they could see the endless possibilities, that they don’t have to jam themselves into any one box, that they have permission to be free to express themselves.  It’s what the last 150 years of industrialization has steered us towards: we no longer struggle to survive, now we focus on fulfillment and personal expression.  It’s a gift and a curse, depending on who you ask and who you’re surrounded by.

We have to be careful, curate the kinds of friends and life that fit us the best.  You guys are part of my gallery, carefully chosen energies, men and women alike, who support my beautiful bubble and challenge me in the best of ways.  I wouldn’t have such a clear sense of myself if it weren’t for this blog and the community it moves through.  I know who and how I am in relation to the outside world and I no longer carry doubts or guilt about my sexual needs and person.

I hope that with each post, no matter how erotic or high or low, I personify my joy in my freedom to be me and express myself; I hope that it inspires other women to discuss their needs and bodies and sex and to remove all judgement from the dialogue.  There isn’t only one right way to be.  There are endless ways to be. 

I never want to leave my bubble.

 

::

Don’t forget that this Friday, the 29th, is Boobday for August!  It’s an open theme, so get creative!

77 thoughts on “I live in a sex-positive bubble.

  1. All I can say is that I like my bubble as well. And thank you for showing me a way to express myself more freely. I think I’m becoming better at it by the day, even if I’m far from doing it perfectly.
    That’s all thanks to great role-models like you 🙂

  2. Wow! This post feels like it was written with my name on it. I am thrilled to be sharing bubble space with you, Hy. In the few years that we have known each other, your opinions and experiences have helped me to explore my own sexuality. Why did I wait so long to begin? Shame, guilt, negative body image….

    In the past month, I have posed butt-naked for a figure drawing artist and a photographer as well. I’ve been to an adult sauna three times! Even a year ago, none of this would have been possible. It feels good to feel good! Thanks for holding my hand on this exciting path and for being a cherished friend.

    Love,
    Dawn

    • Ok then! Dear Alice (or Dawn), this post is for you! You, more than most, have change drastically from who you were when you began writing to who you let yourself be today. It’s been such a pleasure watching your journey and reading your words. You’re a sexy, talented woman who has permission to let her flag fly high! It’s been a real honor to be your friend. xx Hy

  3. This! I think it’ll take time before we can move toward that. Maybe it’ll never happen, but the individual choice to be positive is important. At the very least, self-efficacy and and understand of ourselves in general will lead to satisfaction. Great post.

  4. !!!
    I’m so glad I came back for this! Well, I admit, I was back a few days ago, but I’m still mostly on internet hiatus. I needed this little battle cry for peace and love. Thank you. And lord help the woman who finally gets me to end this age-old sexless streak I’ve been on. I want to be on top and on bottom and upside down and sideways and diagonal and who the fuck knows, maybe on opposite sides of the room with toys attached to poles just for something different. But I have yet to look someone in the eyes who doesn’t have that mirror fear as well, who thinks she needs to be what she was taught to be by society or her parents or whatever.
    I think the millennials understand this a lot better than our generation. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around one lately and still have yet to figure out if I over or underestimated her when it comes to her sexuality, but I think it was both in different respects. Still, though, even if the youths have a more innate understanding of these things, I am afraid for the ones who don’t comprehend the possible dangers of being so free with their bodies, especially if they offer them up to people almost twice their age.
    These are weird times, like the sixties again, but with no patchouli, and all the community is on the internet instead of the commune. They’ll do or say anything online or in texts, but in real life they freeze up like deer in the headlights.
    Fucking hell, I need to start up another blog so I can get pissed at crap, seeing as how I don’t have much of a real life to inspire an online life. But I used to! So there is that to draw from.
    Hy, you are a champion of freedom and life and liberty and all that, online and off. Excuse my ramblyness, I’m just thinking out loud in quiet words here.

    xoxoxoxo
    I was playing guitar and bringing myself to my tears earlier.
    You’re a life saver this evening, you have no idea : )

    • I’m back to review. That was a little nutty, but I’ve been a bit off lately. I think I jumped the gun, and got a little too excited. What is this about people hunting down a half-naked woman in the woods? So, she consented to being hunted, right? And is all for it?
      Meh, doesn’t matter. Most everything I just said there is a bunch of crap, I think, and deserves a whole lot more explanation. I’m going to blog again! So I can explain away. Feels like it’s been forever. I can’t stand the internet, but I just can’t keep of the thing. I will refrain from hasty, screwy commenting though. I’ve done more than enough of that in your pages here. Later then

    • Honestly, I’m not sure what the Millenials understand (and did you know they don’t like being called that??). What I do know is that times are changing; we’re opening up to the idea that it doesn’t have to be the way it always was (for a time — like a couple thousand years).

      You know I am a big fan of yours, Justin. Any blog, anywhere, I’ll read it. I even read the one all about gardening. I just didn’t have a lot to say. My thumb is black. I’m glad I could make your evening a little more interesting. xx Hy (now on to your next notes!)

      • I’m sure they hate being called that! They don’t want to be called anything. I’m going to call them that for now anyway, annoying little knowitall fuckers that they are…
        I’m glad to know the hunted consented to be so. Some of these things are well beyond me. I am a sex addict, but of a far different sort. I would have gotten a kick out of watching…
        I was in a state last night. Been in a state for quite a while. Let a millennial get into my head, a place where she really didn’t belong. And I should have stayed out of hers, because it’s god damned frightening there, and I should know, because I was just like her. I told my friend from day one, this girl is just using me, you watch, she’s going to break my heart, but I think I want to let her. And I did. Then I got frustrated about it and tried to make a point of how manipulative she is, but in a roundabout sort of way, because there’s no way to be direct with someone who thinks they know everything about everything. They’ll just tell you what they think you want to hear and walk away, thinking to themselves, “idiot…”
        My friends and I sat for an hour in a manmade salt cave earlier today for my birthday. If you haven’t ever done so, I highly recommend it! So relaxing.

  5. I like the way you think, Hy. Absolutely, we should be good to each other, and if we’re doing that, who has any business telling us what kind of fun, love, pleasure, rocks are okay?

    • Totally…

      I’m responding to comments that came in first, but I’ve already read a more recent one. He thinks I’m picking on monogamously paired folks. I’m glad that you — a monogamously paired folk yourself — didn’t see that in this post. Big hugs to you, Theo! I’m always so happy when you pop by!! xx Hy

  6. My mind has been going in circles all afternoon, wondering and pondering your words.
    And I came to think that it’s nice to have this bubble, but by havingvit, aren’t we perpetuating the myth that women don’t like sex, that we don’t enjoy it and can go without it for extended periods without it affecting us.
    Aren’t we, by protecting ourselves in our little anonymity bubbles, helping to keep sex taboo and dirty and not something anyone should want to discuss?
    I’m not putting the blame on anyone. I know for now, anonymity allows me to let things blossom in me that probably would never have otherwise.
    But in the long run, are we really helping ourselves? Are we helping society?
    Deep questions so late at night. Not sure I make sense 😉

    • I also wrestle with the anonymity factor to my stage, however, I have the opportunity to speak to lots of people, in person, like real life, about a sex-positive lifestyle — friends, colleagues, students, etc. — and so that helps me feel better about it.

      But the bottom line is we don’t live a sex-positive world, just lots of bubbles. It could possibly ruin my career if anyone linked me to this writing. Not because anything I’ve done is illegal, but because my tits are on it and I talk about intimate sexual details. That’s just the way it is, sadly. I always find it weird that potentially I could break the law, go to jail, and do my time, and still salvage a successful career, but it could prove impossible with a secret sex blog.

      Anyway, I always welcome your thoughts, Dawn. I hope you got some rest!! xx Hy

  7. / I have followed your blog for several months and have enjoyed it. My wife and I have an FLR and neither she nor I are uncomfortable with alternative sexuality. I sense in this post, however, a subtle disdain for “vanilla’ and “monogamy” Twice you make mention of the “penguin” gene. I sense a tone of ridicule in your simile-the penguin as a comical animal that makes us laugh. Vanilla people do not have a monopoly on judgmental attitudes and the desire to fix. Criticism and judgment abound in the alternate lifestyle world as well. Too often, I have heard friends in the lifestyle mock the vanilla world for such things as the inability to experience true intimacyor claim that they would be so much better off if they employed some kink in their otherwise boring and mundane lives. Monogamy has a viable place in the modern day world. Bonnie and I have been married for well over 30 years, Monogamy is a cornerstone of our relationship. as it is for many others we know. As a sex positive person one should not discount it so easily. Bonnie and I will continue to read and enjoy your writings. You have a talent we appreciate. By the way? Does the phrase “Kennywood’s open” hold as significant a meaning for you as it does for us? Respectfully, Stan

    • Hi Stan, thank you for your comment. I absolutely support lifelong monogamous relationships, which is why I listed it specifically. The very nature of being sex-positive is that I support all pairings (or groupings, such as it were) if all parties are consenting, happy, and informed. I suppose I could have used swan as the animal totem for lifelong pairing, but penguin is what popped up for me. I meant no disrespect. I love penguins and think of them as regal creatures.

      And you’re right, vanilla people don’t have the monopoly on judgmental attitudes, but they do have the stage, so to speak. It’s what we mostly see on tv and movies and books. It’s already accepted by just about everyone on the planet as healthy and normal. I just believe that healthy and normal goes beyond only that and can mean anything we want it to me (given the criteria for sex-positive) and that’s what this post was about. That we can define our own healthy and normal if we allow ourselves to.

      There are a lot of people out there with serious sexual complexes because they feel like they are broken and/or depraved because they aren’t vanilla and my heart breaks for them all. My heart also breaks for the truly vanilla person who thinks something’s wrong with them because they’re not as freaky as the Cosmo article says they should be; or feels pressure to do/be things that aren’t in them, either. I really and truly just want us all to have the societal and personal permission to accept ourselves where we are and embrace it as enough and ok. Sort of be our own #1 fans and then find a bunch of people who support that same idea, too. That’s all I was trying to impart with this post. 🙂 Hy

      • “If I remember correctly, in a previous post you commented that you wished TN would be more amicable to going to Pittsburgh with you to visit high school friends. I assumed that you grew up around the city and would be familiar with one of its more iconic landmarks. As children, if our zippers were down we were reminded to be more socially correct by being told “Kennywood’s open”. It is a phrase that has lasted generations and is peculiar to a very limited geographical area. while there are other examples of regional phrasing, it is extremely rare that a “place” be the source of such a linguistic creation

        • That’s what Google told me! I actually went to high school in the Bay Are. The Pittsburgh note was just to make an example of visiting an old friend if they lives there 🙂

  8. You never cease to amaze me Hy, you’re such an incredibly talented, emotionally intelligent woman. Since my life took a very different direction over the past two years or so, I took on the matras, ‘I judge thee not’ & ‘do no harm’ & the only exceptions, are in similar vein to yours.
    Also, in the strange way of cyberspace, I’d fallen off your subsriptions list, I’d wondered why there were no posts. I checked the bookmark on my home screen & indeed there were many posts I’d missed 🙁 I’ve re subscribed & voila! There you are in my inbox gorgeous woman.
    Great to see your groove is well & truly back! xx

  9. I like my bubble too, but thanks for the reminder that there’s a whole world of people living outside of that bubble and, in many cases, hurting because they don’t have a great support system of sex-positive people.

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  12. Can you imagine a world such as that?? Yes. I can. Very much so, but only when my generation gets off the pot and lets the younger generation have a turn.

    They can’t fuck it up any more than we have managed,

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  15. I completely agree with the spirit of this post.
    However, where the whole concept falls down for a lot of perfectly nice, tolerant people is that they haven’t a clue what Sex-Positive means.
    I’d describe me and my friends as ‘your average person’. We’re open minded, tolerant, blah, blah, blah. Your typical 21st century woman, with a modern, sensible attitude towards sex.
    Sex Positivity could be in danger of ghetto-ising itself in its own bubble, though, because of its jargon.
    Cis-gender, hetero-normativity etc, most people (non prejudiced people) don’t have a clue what they mean; the message goes over their head.
    When I first heard the term sex positive, I thought it was a mis-interpretation of HIV positive… yes, really. Maybe it’s a British or non-US thing but many, many people are not going to understand the meaning of many sex-positive jargon terms.
    The person on the street often doesn’t have the time / inclination to look up the meaning of all these terms, so the entire meaning and sentiment (which they’d be totally cool with) is totally lost on them.
    I think it’d be helpful if “Sex Positivity” as a whole, developed more understandable jargon, so that the word gets spread more quickly and effectively. Because it IS a message that needs to be spread.

    • I don’t disagree. I never knew what “sex-positive” meant until I started blogging, reading, and tapping into the sex-positive community. I get curious looks all the time when I say that’s my lens. People think it means I go around fucking everyone I meet!

      I hope that by talking and writing about it gives people the terminology. Not that it’s my job or anything, but it can’t hurt. Those terms are all moving into the mainstream consciousness as trans issues rise to the surface. I didn’t always know what they meant, either, but once I did it all made sense.

      In the end, sex-positivity (cultural and psychological terminology aside) is about consent and I’m hopeful that that’s something that we can all easily wrap our heads around. My fingers are crossed!

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  28. Wow, found this post from a link on a blog I follow and I have to say I think what you have written is wonderful. Wouldn’t it be great if sex between informed, consenting adults was just seen as a part of life and there was no more shame attached to it than any other part of life.

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