My paint brush is empty.

I write about sex here, this is not an online life journal.  It’s a sex blog.  It’s an account of my sexuality and the adventures that come with that.  I’m stingy with the other stuff.  Very.

I’m ok writing about countless sexual encounters, my insipid dating travails, my feelings about The Neighbor and some of our relationship.  I shared with you all a little of my broken heart when I lost a friend last summer and I open up a little on occasion about my ongoing frustrations with my exhusband.  You might remember I have difficult, complicated relationships with my mother and sister.  My father was a bastard, but is dead.  I miss my baby when it’s not my turn for custody.

But what’s left to share when I don’t feel like shagging?

I can’t share what I do for a living, where I live, or who my friends are.  I try to mix things up to keep the vibe of what I share truthful without giving away accurate details.

I could write volumes more if I opened the doors, but I don’t feel like I’m allowed.  I’m not certain it would ruin my life, but it’s possible and I’m not at all willing to take that chance.  We don’t like it when people are open with their sexuality or opinions on sex.  Teachers and state representatives better never show their tits online.   I certainly don’t want people I work with professionally seeing my breasts and knowing how I like it in bed.  Yet, here I am, compelled to risk it all because I need this space for something.  At least I used to.

I’m at an impasse.  My writing has waned, or at least the urge to write has.  I don’t feel negatively towards the blog, but I don’t feel positively towards it, either.  I get lots from it, but it also takes a lot.  I’m feeling less inclined to open up and share because I have less to share about my sex life.

I look at other longtime bloggers and see what they’ve done with their spaces.  Many of them have monetized their spaces brilliantly and others have become little sexy cottage industries.  I admire their fortitude and work ethic.  I look at myself and don’t see it happening.  I’m self-hosted and have the ability, but I don’t know what to do with the opportunity.  I’m overwhelmed.  I’ve thrown together an Amazon shop, but that’s it.

And these other bloggers, they haven’t seemed to paint themselves into such a corner as I have; they have other avenues of expression that they’ve worked out that don’t revolve around the sex they have.

On top of all that, I don’t feel sexy.  Ugh.

I’ve gained a couple of pounds, I’m constantly tired, I’m choked with fear about my financial situation, TN and I are wading through the doldrums of stability and a long-term relationship.  I’m working so goddamned hard at important, life-altering things that I have zero energy left for passion or creativity.  And I’m sad.  I miss being excited about my body and my art.

This blog used to be an oasis in the desert of my life, but these days it’s like it’s evaporated into a mirage.  My body and its pleasures are like an old memory I smile at when lost in thought.  I barely even masturbate anymore.  I’m tapped out.

I have to figure out what I’m going to do here.  I have some ideas — I still have hot sex on occasion — but I’m wrung out and I’m scared and I’m tired and I’m bored.  With my life, my lover, myself. I’ve lost something over time, it’s slowly leaked out of me.  Or maybe I’m just tired.  Pinched and wilted and dry, forgotten flowers in a pretty vase.

I am a horrible mess of a woman lately.  I’m painstakingly sifting through my life to untangle the negatives I was hand-fed growing up.  I’m struggling, but I’m committed to being as patient as possible about the process in general, but it still takes the winds out of my sails and that fucking sucks.

I wish I could work on all the important emotional things and still want to fuck my brains out. 

Fucking is fun, it’s fantastical, it’s freeing.  This other work robs from me the one thing I have always felt was a way to define who I was: sex.

Growing up my mother said, No, Hyacinth!  No, no, no!  You’re not to feel that way!  You’re not to want those things!  You’re not to need this, that, or the other.  Don’t be that way!  And as a young adult I used sex (and drugs) to differentiate myself from her… all without her knowing.  I did what I wanted the way I wanted when I wanted.

After the divorce, and a long relationship with a man who wasn’t unlike the dominant voice in my ear as a child, I used sex (and alcohol) to differentiate myself once again.  Like an adolescent, all over again, wild and wanton.  Dissolute.

Only this time, I had more success without all the fallout.  I kept an eye on my behavior and didn’t go off the rails like I did as a young woman.  I created a blog where I could channel my behaviors and become a writer, an artist, not just a woman who was fucking through her grief and secretly piecing herself together probably for the first time in her life.

My mother still doesn’t know about the woman I am, but at least I have friends and a lover who do and who love me anyway.  Maybe I need to sit with this a little more and I’ll come back to my body sooner than I think and I’ll get to slip back into my sexy pants.  Then I’ll have lots of sexy shit to share and this blog will be busy and thrumming with energy and sex and love and lots of Hy’s words.

All I know is that I’m ready whenever I am; to have lots of sloppy sex so I have the paint in which to dip my blogging brush and make beautiful, sexy art.   I want to fill the pages here with over-flowing content that titillates both you and  — just as importantly —  me.  This space is my blank canvas.  I guess I’ll just have to wait for inspiration.










76 thoughts on “My paint brush is empty.

  1. Painfully beautiful. And I relate so much!
    I also have loads going on in my life that I cannot quite share on my blog, and take time away from it (or from which I take time away when I write, I don’t know which is worse). I have money woes, I don’t feel sexy, not on most days. My libido has waned though I can still have pretty good sex. I just don’t know where I’m going right now. Sigh!
    I am just wondering… have you considered that maybe, just maybe, you are depressed? It does suck your libido and will for things you used to enjoy doing (like writing in your case). Actually, not wanting to do things that you used to enjoy is one of the symptoms… Sorry, I know it’s a tendency I may have to want to find people like me… It just took me so long to acknowledge it myself. Every single time I had to. So… I hope I’m mistaken. And that the sadness I feel here is just sadness at wanting to keep your blog, your baby, going but not knowing how.
    One way or the other, the only important thing is you. The blog is secondary. We enjoy when you write stuff here (you have such a beautiful way with words), but the most important thing is real life, it’s your baby, it’s your relationship with real life people. We’ll still be here when you feel like writing again!
    Big hugs.
    Dawn D recently posted…Free from tears and fearsMy Profile

    • Dear Dawn, You are always so freaking kind and thoughtful with all of your comments. I’ve been letting everyone’s comments sort of sink in over the past day. I can say that I am a little depressed, but it’s not chronic. I’ve been there, but that’s not this. This is situational. It happens every time Peyton is away and it’s due to my finances. When Peyton is with me and money is looking better I’m peppier, naturally. This is just a shit-ass time, as I know you can relate to. I’m lucky it’s nothing chemical or too dark to handle on my own.

      Every morning I wake up and think about what a beautiful day it’s going to be and how happy and lucky I am to be alive. It’s just that as the day progresses and I don’t do all the things I say I will that I begin to sink. The day I wake up and wish I wasn’t is the day I know something has changed within me, but for now, I’m luckily not there.

      By the way, I’m sorry you can relate. I wish you couldn’t at all!! xx Hy

  2. I get where you’re coming from, Hy. Compartmentalization – necessary compartmentalization – leaves such a narrow slice of you visible that it pigeon holes how you can express yourself. This compulsory anonymity leaves the well dry at times for writing.

    Stick with it or let it fade – all that matters is which feels *right* to you.

    There are some ways to evoke that creativity again, but really they’re just temporary boosts. When it comes down to it, it’s whether you feel it inside you or not.
    Dave recently posted…DuetMy Profile

    • Yes, “necessary compartmentalization,” that’s what this is! I’m going to have to try to figure a way out of it one way or another. I think I have some ideas which might work. I could always cheat on TN, for instance! LOLOLOL OMG, that was a sick joke hahaha No, seriously, I’ll figure it out, because it’s legitimately inside of me. I know I can always shut this place down, but the thought leaves me feeling bereft. When it sounds like a good idea I know it’ll be time to move on (like you are :(). xx Hy

      • I get how it’s unsettling to consider shutting down. The thing is, as time goes on your compartmentalization becomes more rigidly defined – which makes it more difficult to write.

        As an example… when was the last time you wrote something that wasn’t at least tangentially related to either sex or your relationship? My brain is fuzzy right now (been awake for, I dunno, 30 hours) but the last ones that stick out in my mind were when you opened the wine & writing donation request and the GET OUT AND VOTE post. Which were ages ago.

        One way to get some inspiration (at least for me, eh) has been to bounce stuff off another writer. Perhaps collaboratively? I had a flurry of writing almost a year ago with someone who bounces around these parts… you know her name… and even though very little of MY stuff ended up posted, I have near 30 posts that are done, yet have never seen the light of day.

        Someone trusted who’s not directly enmeshed… meaning prolly not TN. 😉
        Dave recently posted…Perfection of the PastMy Profile

  3. Oh honey… I agree with Dawn as well but will just add…be kind to yourself. I’ve been through some major life changes as well…so I do understand at some level what you are going through. There are many people around who are here for you – online and off – whenever and however you want to share.

    Ann St Vincent recently posted…Hands and knees on the bed. Now.My Profile

  4. I can relate so hard to the blogging part at least. I’ve been single for a while, I don’t do casual, and when I do explore something new, I can’t share it on my blog because I’m not anonymous and it’s much too fragile to expose to the light.

    This makes *sex* blogging hugely difficult because… um… no sex, privacy etc. Also, I have pretty much mined my history over the years for memories worth writing about so I have precious little left in my archives. I have often felt stalled, uninspired, flat, dull, all that.

    So my blog has evolved out of necessity. It was either open it up to share more (random thoughts, opinions, life stuff) or just stop writing, which is a different kind of hell.

    I wrote my first fiction piece yesterday: It’s not really my thing, and not what my blog is *for*, but I’m doing a post-per-day over November, so it’s a good time to try it out to see how it feels.

    My advice: If you need a break, if it’s become a chore, then take that break, regroup, wait for inspiration. If you want to still write because it has value and you want to keep it oiled, don’t be afraid to write about things that go beyond ‘sex blogging’ and go internally if you can’t share ‘life things’.

    Your readers will understand and stick around, trust me *smile*.

    Ferns recently posted…“Are you lookin’ at me?”My Profile

    • I know you can relate and I’m sorry that you can! I’ve read your struggles to come up with what to write about and all your apologies for what you do end up posting (stop it, by the way!). I feel for your situation, I really do. You seem to be in a much tighter pickle than I am, but I’m glad you’re figuring out a way around it, because you’re right: not writing is a different kind of hell.

      As an aside, I like your little bit of fiction a lot. And I’m with you, it’s not my thing, either, but maybe we’ll both be changing our spots a little to match our new environments. xx Hy

  5. I understand to a degree. I’m a little more honest on my blog, but I’ve also suffered the consequences of being exposed. It wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, but no one likes feeling caught out when all they want is to have the real them accepted. I wish I had something witty and helpful to say. The only thing I can say is to hang in there and keep coming back to this space even when it’s hard. Maybe things will right themselves soon.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…Be a good girl and beg for itMy Profile

    • I really can’t imagine being caught with this blog. I had that big scare in February with that Sonofabitch character and she’s still on my shoulder. I wonder all the time if today’s the day I’m going to be busted, but here I am, writing and flashing my tits anyway…

      Thanks for your kind words, Cara, as always. I’m glad you’re here. xx Hy

  6. Dear Hy:
    After reading your post I wanted to fling my arms around you in sister spirit and then pull you into bed for cuddles and ice cream. From reading the other comments left here, I think all of us (sex bloggers) have felt a similar place. Personally I’m battling my old wanton sexy habits vs my new life as a writing-hermit, and one (surprised) half of a long-distance D/s relationship. A fan recently wrote me and asked where all my vagina antics had gone. I had to laugh/cry at that. WHERE DID THEY FUCKING GO??
    Part of it is life. We can’t do everything with the equal amount of time and enthusiasm 100% of the time, and right now, my other life (the one with my child and bills and a writing career) is monopolizing the majority of my waking hours. I read about my friends’ sexploits and feel envious and wistful. My SO promises me that I can get back to that place of debaucherous sexual abandon (and a smaller jean size), but right now it feels like it might as well be the moon. You know?
    I’m echoing previous sentiments when I say, be kind to yourself. You’ll be in a new place soon enough. I’ll be thinking of you.
    Heather Cole recently posted…Secret Lives Anthology is HOT! (off the press)My Profile

    • I actually thought of you at certain points while writing my post. I know your sir is gone and you’re feeling lost and my heart breaks for you. At least I have TN nearby to help pull me out of my funk, ya know?

      But you’re right, we can’t do all things with equal enthusiasm all the time. I’m just really terrible at not feeling awful. It’s like my stupid go-to “happy” place. It drives me nuts and I work really hard not to be such a jerk to myself, but it’s hard. Plus, the financial stuff is truly crippling which creates a type of domino effect, naturally.

      Anyway, thanks for all the hugs and please know I’m sending them back to you in spades. xx Hy

      PS: how does one get a writing career, anyway? Please help! 😉

    • Ha! “Doldrums”! I’m going to correct my typo now. I knew it didn’t look right before, but stupid spell check didn’t help me out and I didn’t bother to look it up.

      I hope I get in the mood soon, too. Thanks for the support 🙂 xx Hy

  7. Ah Hy, be kind to yourself. I’ve been writing about how I lost my work mojo, so I can relate to your situation. It happens – you are only human and it’s OK! For the writing, you can’t force the creativity. I have written a work blog for about 4 years, so I get it. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s OK.

    • Thanks, Maggie, and I’m sorry to hear about your work mojo. Sounds like you know what to do to get it back, so I’ll try to follow your advice and not be so hard on myself. That’s a tough one, though!

  8. First off HUGS!! Big whole-heart tight breast smashed together HUGS!!!

    I can relate so much to the emotion in this writing. It is hard when you want to write and share and become but life just seems to strangle those things into submission. Everyone’s journey is different so I don’t have any definitely answers to offer other than just keep breathing and don’t give up if it is truly your hearts desire. It may go stale for a while and that happens with life but stress can cause all kinds of drag in a situation I know!! Just keep going at it and one day that right moment will come along and all of a sudden that one piece of the puzzle you have been trying to place with fit!
    Scarlett recently posted…Wicked Wednesday: Keyholder…My Profile

  9. I’ve always felt and related to you because you’re open or maybe it’s the way you expose your mind and your heart. You write gorgeous stories too. I hope you find what you need soon enough. I believe it’s inevitable.

  10. You’re sounding very human Hy. All things in life have peaks & troughs, this is just a trough atm. Hang in there amazing woman, we all are hanging in there for you too. 🙂

  11. Hey there Hy,
    I can only echo a lot of what those before me have said. Having written a blog for four years now (wow!), I totally understand where you are coming from. Every so often I feel like all the time and effort put into the blog is a tremendous waste of time and a joke. I’ve poured so much into it and it can seem ridiculous at times. The suggestions about depression resonate with me because it’s when I’m depressed that it all seems like so much worthless words. But then I let it sit for a while and (luckily) Lo does something just so funny or bizarre that I feel the need to share it. We won’t fault you for taking a hy-atus. (Get it? Sorry.) You have a dedicated network of readers and we’re here to see you do what’s best for you! Also, you’re super hot!!! Forget the few pounds you say you’ve added. Boobday is a success mainly because of you!!!
    Be well!!!
    H.H. recently posted…Penis EnvyMy Profile

    • Holy crap, HH! You’re an old fart, just like me! haha No really, joking aside, I know you know what I’m talking about. In the past TN and I would have some mad, amazing monkey sex and that would jog me out of my funk, but since we haven’t been having a ton of it lately it hasn’t saved me mopey ass. I’ll try to take your advice (and everyone else’s) and just be chill and see what happens.

      Re: Boobday, thank you! You’re very kind. And I just gotta say how happy I am I’m only doing it once a month now. Phew! What a pain in my ass that had become lol. xx Hy

  12. (((HUGS)))

    You have to do what’s best for you and makes sense for you. Have you ever considered sharing the knowledge you’ve gained over the years? Not just your sexual escapades – which are a-maz-ING – but what your experiences have taught you about your own sexuality? While we are all unique snowflakes, there are people who can relate to what you think and feel and may learn something from you. It’s a way to continue to write, share what you know, grow your own sexual authority as a writer (although I think you have plenty already), and possibly (in the future) turn your blog or writing abilities into something that is more than a personal account of sex and makes you a bit of money along the way. I definitely don’t have all the answers, but there are some strategies you can employ (if you’re interested) that could help you with your writing mojo and possibly help financially. Shoot me an email, and I’ll tell you what I know – if you want.
    Kayla Lords recently posted…#Masquerade Now Available – Get Your Copy Today!My Profile

    • Man, I’m luckhy! I’m getting the shit hugged outta me today! Thank you so much, Kayla for your thoughtful ideas. Honestly, no, I’ve just been all tied up lately and hadn’t really thought much beyond the sexy sex. But you’re right, I have a lot more I could write about regarding sex and I kinda like that thought. I’ll be emailing you in a bit. Thanks again!! xx Hy

  13. So well written and relatable which is definitely one reason to not be down on yourself. Your blog is genuine and pulls people in. More so than lots of other blogs out there. I think we have all hit a snag sometimes with our creativity. Writing is emotional, personal, full of so much and it also takes a lot from us as well. Rewarding at times, but also difficult. Give yourself a break. There’s nothing wrong with giving ourselves time. As far as feeling, not so sexy, I have been there. Uninspired and feeling as though I look hideous. That feeling will fade and there will be something or someone to ignite that sexy devil in you once again.
    Rach recently posted…flopMy Profile

    • Thanks, Rach, you’re on to something, I think! I need to move my body more and that will tackle the feeling sexy part and hopefully get it to fade faster. And thanks for saying nice things about my writing. It’s always nice to hear 🙂

  14. I’ve been blogging for over 8 years (or nearly 8 years) and i’m a monogamous (sp?) father of three and I ran out of interesting things to say a long time ago, but I keep writing. I do Flash Fiction Fridays, I used to do TMI Tuesdays, and I’ve pictue up other memes at times to keep me at the keyboard. But, what I don’t do, is worry anymore. if i’m not in the mood to write? I don’t write. My followers have left, but that’s OK, i don’t write for them, i write for me, to keep my brain and penis working when nothing else keeps them away.

    If you want to stop, slow down, change directions with the blog, do it. It’s your blog and it should be fun. If you leave, we will miss you, but if we know you left to be happy, then we would be happy too.

  15. Oh Hy, as others have said, I can so relate! In my 10 years or so of blogging, I have had many ups and downs, many times when I just couldn’t find the energy or enthusiasm to blog (or think of one interesting thing to say) and I do talk about my whole life, pretty much, so shouldn’t I always have something to say? Sigh…nope, sometimes I just don’t. I’ve taken breaks here and there as well. I always come back to it, though, because I can’t not write.

    We all write for different reasons (and some similar) but in the end, it is for *you* and what you get out of it. Be gentle with yourself, take time and just let yourself *be* when it feels like this. Let yourself live in this space for the time that you need – embrace it because this, too, is part of the journey. Perhaps it will inspire or drive you to make a change, or perhaps it will simply pass. Either way, it’s *your* journey, *your* life, *your* blog. You’ll find your way, and a way to make it work for you.
    Jade recently posted…Seven – A Fairytale of SortsMy Profile

  16. I’ve been struggling with this lately myself. I’m sure you can tell by the fact that my blog has mostly been memes for a month now (I’m about to force myself to do otherwise).

    We have a *bit* of the opposite problem.

    I have plenty I’d like to share, but I just… am having a hard time sharing. I’m ecstatically happy… but I feel like I’d just be rewriting everything I’ve written already OR I fear that I will let my happy emotions spill over and I’ll say something I shouldn’t.

    The opposite nature of the problem is that I share WAY too much on my blog. WAY too much. I feel like some day soon the other shoe will drop on that one in a way that may ruin my career… but lately I’ve been too apathetic to care too much.

    My point to whining and shit is that I understand where you’re at. I’ll still be here when you write again. 🙂

    Fatal recently posted…Pretty GirlMy Profile

  17. Hy,

    I am not a sex blogger (my husband blogs about sex, but his isn’t like yours), but rather I am a consumer of the content of sex blogs. You have been an inspirstion to me and my husband with what you pour out on these pages. It is clear that your write from your heart and are filled with incredible passion. It sounds as though you are at a bit of a mental impasse and are resolved to taking stock of the why, who of continuing this blog. You have plenty of people who are friends (here, if we can really be friends in the purest sense of that relationship status in the sanitized Internet arena) that are encouraging you and will stand by any decisions that you make.

    I have only begun to get to know you and I like who you are. You are quite honest though you have to exist in this space by avoiding many self truths to protect yourself. It is a crazy way to express yourself. I watch my husband twist and turn as he fights with himself (and sometimes with me) to pull back from sharing too much. He gets so frustrated that he threatens to delete his blog, steps back for a breath of fresh air and begins again. When he receives messages from men and women who were helped by his posts, he finds confirmation that he is achieving the goals that he set for himself.

    You are a talented writer and your story as you tell it here is worthy of your efforts. You have had an impact in my marriage and in my bedroom if nothing more than by encouraging me to take risks and step out of my comfort zone.

    Hugs (great big warm squeezy ones!),

    Savannah Carrier recently posted…A Trick and Two TreatsMy Profile

    • Shoot! I forgot one other point that I wanted to make. I se a common theme among my friends here on WP (Ann reminded me that we ARE friends). We all seem to look unfavorably on our bodies. It is true that we all could find something not to like about figures (my ass is too big and my boobs are being assaulted by gravity). But I see how sexy you and everyone else is and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. We just need to stop this bullshit (ok, I know that I need to but it is very hard when I see what is in my mirror).
      Savannah Carrier recently posted…A Trick and Two TreatsMy Profile

  18. I had my blog for almost 5 years. It started out a sex blog, about the adventures Veronica and I shared as we started swinging and opening up our marriage. With time, that grew stale and within the confines of ‘necessary compartmentalization’ (love that phrase!) I expanded the scope of what I wrote about. Occasionally I’d end up mentioned in someone’s “my favorite blogs” or end-of-year posts and a common theme was that people enjoyed that my blog wasn’t *just* about sex.

    The point being, write about what you want to write about, as often or as infrequently as you’d like. I, and I suspect many others, will still be around!

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  20. “I’m at an impasse. My writing has waned, or at least the urge to write has. I don’t feel negatively towards the blog, but I don’t feel positively towards it, either. ” I totally get this: my blog is floundering: I had negativity towards it and just don’t have the energy or the will to do anything with it.

    Fingers crossed your inspiration returns! 😉
    John recently posted…The Periodic Table of Kink by UberkinkyMy Profile

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  45. I’d been saving this little nugget for a future tis-ism… however now seems like as good a time as any to share. 😉

    “The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers.” Erich Fromm

    Hugs to you Hy!

    ‘Tis recently posted…The Human ConditionMy Profile

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