We’re on a break.

If you’re reading this then I decided to hit Publish.

Our plan for him to stay the night didn’t happen.  Instead, as soon as he came over he told me we needed to talk about our relationship.  I set my gym bottle down by the sink with a thud that matched my stomach’s.

In three years he’s never instigated a conversation about “us.”

Last night, as he was telling me how stressed out he was about his life, I half-jokingly asked if he wanted to take a week off.  Now he was saying it out loud.  For real.  “One or two weeks…”

I bounced around the apartment not knowing what to do with myself.  He’s not happy, he’s unraveling at the seams due to stress, he’s anxious when we’re together, have I noticed how little sex we’ve been having because it’s not a good sign.

I burst into tears and sobbed ugly sobs.  I also sat stoically and let the tears stream down my face.  I asked questions and got upset.  It’s not fair for him to say it sucks, but not tell me what the matter is.  I mean, I know it’s sucked, but it was getting better, wasn’t it??

His eyes were red and filled with tears, some slipped down and disappeared into his beard.  He has no answers.  He’s just… ambivalent, unhappy, anxious.  He didn’t say it, but the bottom line is he isn’t happy with me.

Me, I’ve thought this was just the heavy lifting of a long-term relationship: boundaries, expectations, hammering out all the details to have a [mostly] water-tight relationship in the future.  Him, my occasional anger and upset traumatize him; he is uncomfortable with the conflict and somewhere deep down believes it means there’s something wrong with us.

I don’t know what this means, but it feels like a preamble to a break up.  That’s not at all what he said, but it feels that way all the same.

He told me he still loves me and that I’m his favorite person in the world.

And then we hugged because he was going to leave.  And we cried some more.

Two weeks of absolutely zero contact.  He wanted to call every other day.  I said No.  I didn’t want him to half-ass this.  If he needs time away to get his head on straight, then I want him to have it.  I will never be with another man who doesn’t want to be with me.  I will never convince someone to stay again.  I don’t want him to leave, but if he doesn’t want to stay then he may go.  He’ll have to.

I am devastated.  Gutted.  Embarrassed.  Just yesterday I wrote a post about broaching the subject of living together.  I’m a fucking idiot is what I am.

He said he’d make contact, “In the morning of the 11th!  No, Tuesday night at midnight!” but I don’t know why he said such a thing.

Frankly, I’m afraid to see him on February 11th.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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41 thoughts on “We’re on a break.
  1. You have nothing to be embarrased over. The pain, sure, the tears, of course, but there is never shame in loving openly and honestly.

    Let him think for a couple of weeks, but be true to yourself. Get to the gym, see old friends, get out, don’t sit at home, and don’t smell his old shirts. Get them to the dry cleaner pronto!

  2. Hy:
    Reading your blog for the first time was like looking into the mirror and seeing a corner of my own kindred soul.

    If you need a shoulder to cry on baby, I am here. Sometimes, as painful as these things are, they have to happen. You are not an idiot.

  3. I de-cloaking to disagree with Advizor, at least the part where he says “don’t smell his old shirts. Get them to the dry cleaner pronto!” you’re not breaking up with him, you’re both just taking a break.

    That doesn’t mean forgetting he exists, that just means getting some alone time to think and reflect, and maybe you do want to smell his clothes and think about him from time to time. I sincerely hope that you guys do in being apart do manage to achieve some sort of peace with what ever next step you both choose to take.

    And for what it’s worth from this lurker, I hope that you guys keep it together, it’s been wonderful to read about the two of you and aside from the hiccoughs where things have been rough you two do sound fantastic for each other. But I also hope that TN uses the time to accept the fact he needs to open up to you because you do read as carrying the relationship by initiating all the honest talks.

    1. I think what Advizor meant (metaphorically) was that she shouldn’t spend these two weeks moping around, deep in despair and dwelling on negativity…if this was a relationship worth anything at all (which sure sounded like it in the myriad posts over the past thr3e years!), there’s NO WAY possible for Hy to survive a mere minute without thinking of TN.

      The heart knows what it wants, and if this was meant to be, then it will, no matter what Hy does…providing it’s mutual. If not, that where sad heartbreak ensues.

  4. Oh Hy! My heart is hurting for you, yet I can’t help but want to be a sturdy, strong and supportive shoulder for you to lean or cry on if needed. I agree with the sentiments above, be true to yourself here. Loving another person is messy, it is scary, it is challenging and dangerous, it is beautiful and gives breath to life. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions rolling through you right now but do not accept any of them that would have you thinking you are an idiot. That just is not the case.

    Much love and hugs to you and if you need an ear or shoulder, please know I am here.

    xo
    ‘Tis recently posted…A Werewolf BoyMy Profile

  5. Oh fark Hy! My heart is aching & breaking for you right now, if I was there I’d give you a real bear hug for comfort. Though unfortunately that’s all I’ve got, I’d not be much help otherwise. & yes, be true & kind to yourself. I’m hanging I’m there for you hun. xxxxx

  6. I just went through something similar…but worse– I thought we were gearing up for a serious relationship, settling into our roles as partners…and he was weighing whether to break up with me in person or over the phone. (He went with a phone call, by the way :C). It’s been a rough time. I’ve been exercising and seeing friends and getting out a lot…but I still felt pretty lonely and embarrassed because I couldn’t see his unhappiness. Or, at least, I thought I was dulling his pain. Seeing your post made me sad for both of us, but I feel like my experience has been legitimized and I do love you for being courageous enough to post. In the end, I think both my ex and TN just need some time to appreciate the light we bring into their lives. I don’t know if I can open myself up to this person once he wants me back (they all do eventually lol). But YOU should! I believe in loving deeply, fully, and honestly. And even if I do that myself right now, don’t let that hold you back. Have hope! You’re a fucking badass.

  7. SO SAD TO HEAR…!!! Based on your last many posts, you have to admit you can’t be totally surprised about this, as you yourself catalogued so many areas where your needs were lacking too…however, clearly, that doesn’t soften the blow of reality one iota! Our hearts share your pain…hang in there sexy!
    ~JTK

  8. My heart goes out to you. No matter what happens, you’re so strong and you’ve been through so much.
    I wish I had some advice to offer, but all I can say is that if you need someone to speak to, I’m here.

  9. I rarely to never comment, but I wanted to say that I don’t think you’re stupid. Not at all.
    I found your post to be open, honest, vulnerable and yet…. strong and showing yourself respect.

    I think you made the right choice of giving him a total break….. and I know how hard that is.

    Fingers crossed for you.
    XO
    Cinn recently posted…ColoringMy Profile

  10. Right, let me say this. You are not stupid, and neither is he.
    He is trying to do what is best for him (which for now is a break to think about it all). You should do the same thing, take advantage of these two weeks to figure out what you truly want from this relationship or another.
    Think of what is good for you and your child, think of where you want to be in 5months, 5 years time.
    Live your life, see if you really miss him as much as you think you will.
    And when he comes back to you, you will be ready to say exactly what it is you want and need from this relationship.
    I cannot help but think that him not coming, never coming when he has sex with you is also a sign that he doesn’t want to open up to you. Is it really what you’d want long term?
    Good luck with the next two weeks and whatever comes afterwards, because there will have to be shifts made, whether you remain together or not.
    And if you need me, you know where I am 😉
    Hugs, Kisses too. XO
    Dawn D recently posted…castrationMy Profile

  11. Oh Hy – this sucks HUGE HAIRY balls (:
    I was also so excited for you guys yesterday.
    But having read Dawn’s comment above, I must say she seems to be spot on.
    I know we are relatively new “friends” but please feel free to contact me should you need anything at all.
    You’ve got to believe that if it’s meant to be then it will be.
    Much love and hugs xxx

  12. Oh honey, I am so sorry. ((((HUGS)))) Cry all the ugly tears you need to, but do not for one moment think you’ve been stupid!! You embraced your feelings and were open about them. There is nothing stupid or wrong in that.

    I hope that in two weeks you know what you want – with or without him – and you continue to be fearless (yes, you are, more than you know) about whatever it may be (with or without him). ((((HUGS))))
    Kayla Lords recently posted…STACKED Available for Pre-Order on #Amazon #EroticaMy Profile

  13. Oh I’m so sorry for the hurt and tears and anguish. Love is so messy. I am so impressed you suggested a full NC, I think you are right, better go whole hog and let him have that space. Keep busy. Don’t let too many scenes run in your head because that may influence the first discussion post break.
    We are all here to support you. Big big hugs and a bottle of Wine. Xxoxox

  14. Hy honey, I reiterate what most have said above – I am so sorry to hear this. You are not an idiot at all, your beliefs on where you stood are perfectly reasonable in my opinion. And most of all, know that you are loved and supported by this wonderful community…which I know doesn’t ease the pain.

    I think Dawn’s words above are so wise and do hope you can also take some time to think.

    Ann
    xo
    Ann St Vincent recently posted…A Google+ Story. (Hint: it doesn’t go well for Ann)My Profile

  15. “I’m a fucking idiot is what I am.” is the LAST thing about you. No way. You are just like all the rest of those that comment on your oh-so-honest and open blog. Just somebody looking for another, somebody to have some love and comfort with. And a bit of fun, share the troubles, discuss the woes, bounce ideas. Marvel at the sunsets, wonder where that full bottle of wine went.

    Try to do something different, visit away, talk to old friends, dull the pain for an hour or two.

    And yes, I think you are right about having No Contact for two weeks, or however long. You probably feel like you have lost a leg just now and can’t stand upright without feeling giddy and falling over. Sadly, that is how it is. But with No Contact you won’t constantly bleed to death because you have at least got the tourniquet on the stump!

    I do hope it works out and you find happiness.

    And remember, most of us guys have almost no fucking idea at all about relationships.

    (((hugs)))

  16. Hy, You are not an idiot. You are a woman in love with a man who is an idiot. WTF is he doing? And why now? Has he met someone else? Sorry but when a man wants a break there is a reason.

    As a big sister I just want to give you great big warm hugs, make you a cup of tea and tell you that it’s all going to be alright. Because no matter what happens you are going to be alright. You are a strong woman. You’ve been through so much. Sounds to me like he’s playing games.
    Who takes a break when everything is supposedly fine? Or did I miss something? What Dawn said makes sense.

    No matter what you are not alone. So many hearts going out to you right now.

    And washing his shirts IS a good idea. Because you know if you don’t you will be reaching for them, smelling them and in a nano second those ugly face tears will come back every time.
    Be strong, take this time to spend with your daughter. And if he calls don’t answer it. I know it’s hard but this is what he wanted. Make him want you. His rules two weeks right? 🙂 <3
    Annie recently posted…A Physical Necessity, Sexy Sunday #51My Profile

  17. Have faith in yourself, you are one of the most intelligent bloggers I follow, and your creative writing skills surpass many. Don’t talk about our Hy like that!

    And have faith in him, he chose to change something, you wanted change too. Something didn’t feel quite right.

    This season calls for us to shed the old to make way for the fresh new beginnings. We take what we learned and reapply it, our suffering fades as we recognize this opportunity to rebuild had to happen because it was for the best. It hurts, I know, I wish virtual hugs could really heal the heart.

  18. Hy, I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Don’t be embarrassed by what you feel. We’ve all pretty much all been there and can empathize.

    “I will never be with another man who doesn’t want to be with me.” There is your bottom line. That is your truth and accepting anything less isn’t fair to your heart or your mind. Everyone has stresses, but this I know for sure, if a man truly wants to be with you it doesn’t matter what’s going on in his life. He will let you know without a shadow of a doubt and bend over backwards. There won’t be any vague communication and he will let you know under no uncertain terms.

    Like Percy Sledge sang: “When a man loves a woman he can’t keep his mind on nothing else. He’ll trade the world for the good thing he’s found.”

  19. Dearest darling Hy,

    You don’t know me from Adam but I always read your blog with interest and look forward to hearing how you are getting on. And recently, its not been good.

    On the outside looking in, I have been seeing a beautiful girl who wants to be independent but loved, find someone who, much against her better judgement, completes her. And you know what? That there is some scary shit. Its scary for both of you.

    You both went into this relationship looking for fun and sex, on tap, on demand, whichever way you want to class it, it was no ties, nothing serious, just good fun. Trouble was, it got under your skins, you simply enjoyed being in each others company until you got to the point where you couldn’t be without each others company. Thats when it got hard. You needed each other, you wanted to be with each other. You both were doing the one thing you both said you would not do. Get involved.

    Your blog entries have been slowly going to into a valley, leaving your sunshine filled mountain top behind and with both of you going down different sides. You have not sounded happy or settled for a little while.

    TN has called a break. I think if he hadn’t, you may have. I think (and this is only MY opinion) this may be a goodish thing. I think you may need your time to think, both of you. You need your time to evaluate whether you are happy together or apart and in either case you need time to decide where you both go from that point on.

    Cry lovely girl, but do not think any less of yourself. You are beautiful and witty, bright and funny. But. You are also human. You are entitled to feel pain, you are entitled to hurt. If you felt neither, it would be more worrying that you turning yourself into a snot filled wreck.

    Find something to hug, hug it tight and cry as though your life depends on it. When the tears stop, the mind will clear somewhat and you will be able to see things enough to be able to face them. Don’t stop blogging, and don’t worry if it seems to be gobblydegook to you, it matters that you are able to express yourself and your grief.

    You are loved, that much is very evident, we are here for you whenever you need us, your silent readers.

    Lots of love

    Terry. aka big bum.
    Bigbuttbbw recently posted…Ut ohh its a rambler….My Profile

  20. “he isn’t happy with me.”. You said this Ms Geezus The Glass Is Half Full. He didn’t. Now I know none of us know and understand him like you do, but imho you are running off at the emotional mouth too quickly. Understandable I’ll grant you. Perhaps it’s half full.

    This is not an opinion … not even a conjecture … just a humble thought from a male of the species. Perhaps you have it all wrong. Perhaps he is very happy with you. And that’s the issue. You read things right the other day and what you were thinking entered his mind as well. What you two have together is too good not to move to the next step. And from what I can figure out about the guy from what you have written over the past few years, that will have a big impact. He needs to just absorb it all. It’s not that he doesn’t love you any more. It’s that he loves you more.

    Just a thought to keep you away from any high bridges Babe. 🙂

    Mike

  21. I completely disconnected my blog from yours because it was messed up. I was hoping that the confusion in how we were connected could be cleared up. It’s been a long time (Dec?) since I’ve read your posts. I’m sorry you’re sad and that you and TN aren’t working as you hoped. It makes me sad because it’s been a long road for you – being with him. I am catching up on your blog and I’m hoping for better things all around because you deserve someone who loves you incredibly. It’s sad when things end and no one is at fault really. it is what it is. I wish TN well too. xo, Jayne

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