I have advice to give: What to do when your man doesn’t cum

Hi Hy!

I’m a huge fan of your blog, and I think it’s one of the greatest (sex or otherwise) there is. I don’t know if you’re into giving advice, but I just started dating a guy and I feel like you could help me with a situation that’s come up.

My boy has trouble coming. It’s something we’ve discussed since the first time we had sex, so I’ve known for the entirety of our relationship. However, two months in, it’s starting to get me down…I know it has nothing to do with me, and I do enjoy sex with him regardless, but after a while it starts to make me feel self conscious and then I can’t come either, and we both end up tired and kind of unsatisfied. It hasn’t caused any major issues yet, but I feel like it could begin to soon.

I know TN has a similar sitch, so I was wondering if you have any advice as to how to get past it and enjoy the experience, without worrying about the end result.

Thanks! Have an excellent new year!
Orgasmless in Orlando

Dear Orgasmless in Orlando,

First, I hope you don’t mind that I made up where you live.  It just sorta went with “orgasmless.”  Second, thank you so very much for emailing me and your kind words!  I don’t pretend to be the expert on anything, but I certainly try to see things from every corner and I am more than willing to share my experience and journey with anyone willing to listen.  And lastly, you and I aren’t the only women who’ve experienced a man who can’t cum and I bet there will be lots of interesting feedback in the comments.  Internet Boyfriend, we need you!

What does sex mean to you?

Sex is fun and hot and messy and fulfilling and nerve-wracking and bonding and amazing and weird and miraculous.  Having said that, we all seem to be very much focused on the end of sex, not necessarily the before and during parts.

We also attribute all sorts of other things to it; meanings that aren’t equitable to the thrusting of body parts.  Namely, our worth and our skills and it’s all tied up with orgasms somehow. 

Men feel like superheros when their partners cum because women are sometimes tricky puzzles, but women take it for granted (if she’s fucking a man) because men are easy as Sunday morning, but the bottom line is: our partner’s orgasms have nothing to do with us.  They belong to those who have them.  Period.

And great sex doesn’t mean there were orgasms. 

It means there was passion, pleasure, and maybe some connection to something or someone.

It’s true that we can be less skilled at certain things, but generally speaking we know what we’re doing and if we don’t we try to learn all the right buttons to push.  We’re very motivated learners once naked. 

Insecurities and doubt creep in when we have a very black and white view of what sex is supposed to look like. We need to feel satisfied with the process, not just the results!

If he doesn’t cum, then I suck

When TN and I started fucking he came almost as much as me.  I even remember a night when I made him cum 3 times.  Man, those were the days —  I didn’t make him cum once in all of 2014.

Yes.  You read that right.

When it first started happening I rolled with it.  I knew from my own personal experience that orgasming, while goddamned terrific, wasn’t required for my enjoyment. 

I don’t know what your personal experience has been with orgasms, dear Orgasmless, but I can promise you I was sincere all those years when I told my lovers who could never get me to cum that I really and truly had enjoyed myself.

If I hadn’t gone through that personally, I might have had a harder time believing TN when he told me the exact same thing.

It was odd hearing it come out of his mouth, though, because here’s the thing about dudes cumming — and it’s unfair and ridiculous for both men and women: We’re taught that sex is good — and over — when he orgasms.

Anyone can argue that isn’t the case, but the general idea about sex in this world has nothing to do with a woman’s pleasure.  Good lovers make it about the people, and thereby all partners’ pleasure, but for eons it’s been about the man and his seed.  Call it for procreation, laziness or shame, the evilness of pleasure or whatever.  But for the sake of me tackling this issue, that’s where I’m coming from.

And the sad thing is, is we’ve bought it!  We all have!  You, me, and the mailman all believe that men are these lustful, spooging creatures who, when put in front of a hot, sexy woman, can’t control himself and will lose it buried deep inside his lady.  And if he doesn’t then there’s something wrong.

Jizz does not equal success

For The Neighbor and I, the closer and more emotionally intimate we got, the less he came.  I would mention it here and there and he would blow it off as just being tired or that he came 6 times already that day.  I didn’t buy it, but I allowed it.

It doesn’t sound like you and your man have that particular issue since it’s starting right from the beginning, but what if sex for him is something deeply intimate no matter the circumstance?  What if there’s deep-seated shame?  I don’t want to play armchair psychologist, or anything, but if he’s a healthy man, orgasms should happen.  It’s a 1+1 equation.  Stimulate a healthy man and he will orgasm.

Since they’re not happening, I have to assume it’s an emotional hitch and those can be very difficult to overcome, if not impossible.  Therefore as his partner you need to do emotional work, as well.

What I’ve worked on all these months — and what I recommend you do — is unhitch his orgasm from the value of your sex. It’s irrelevant.

HIS ORGASM DOESN’T HAVE SPECIAL MEANING.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t cum. Not if he tells you it doesn’t.  Not if it seems impossible.  Not if you both can’t make it happen.

However, he can cum for you in other ways.

Cumming other ways

Recently, because I’d gotten stretched thin about this myself, I asked TN to “cum with his mouth,” instead.  In other words, if his cock won’t orgasm, then I want his mouth to share what he’s feeling.  And it’s been amazing.

He’s opened up vocally during and after sex and as I’m losing my shit I can hear the thoughts in his head also losing their shit. 

In the past when his hips thrust into me over and over — knowing that it wouldn’t end in a big release for him at the end — I would drift away a little and not be present. 

Now, with his words I can see us through his eyes and feel his experience. I reconnect to him and then orgasm myself.

I’m not saying talk dirty, just sharing his feelings — though dirty talk would work for me!  I’m suggesting requesting him to tell you how good you feel, how much he’s enjoying fucking you, or how much he loves it, etc.

When a man doesn’t cum our default thought is he wasn’t enjoying himself, but that simply isn’t fair to either of you.  So, clear away the doubt and have him share his pleasure with words instead.

Being ok with ending it

Another thing that might come up for you — because it certainly has for me — is knowing when sex is over. If we rely on the traditional model it’s when he cums. But we can’t do that.

And it isn’t necessarily after we cum, either, because sometimes that’s just a warm up!

It’s taken me a long time to learn when to call it quits. TN (and I suspect a lot of anorgasmic men) can fuck for days. He won’t stop until he’s exhausted, but that can often be long after I’m done.

I had to get comfortable with setting my own limits and not feeling like I was giving up.

Switch goals

So, my advice is this:

  • Think about what sex means to you. Is it really all about his orgasm and yours?
  • Unhitch his orgasm from your worth/ability/sexiness/desirability.
  • Ask him to express his pleasure in other ways besides an orgasm.
  • Learn to be ok ending a session when you’re done.

I hope this helps, Orgasmless in Orlando, and keep in touch with your progress!  I’m certain you and I aren’t the only women who have sex with anorgasmic men.  (And for the record, I think all of this can be applied to the reverse, as well.)

It can be a bit of a struggle internally, but certainly not insurmountable.  We’re still hot bitches. Jizz or no jizz!

xx

Hy

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

21 thoughts on “I have advice to give: What to do when your man doesn’t cum
  1. a very interesting and thought provoking write. I see what is being said and find it very interesting. Lack of a man being able to orgasm in the world I have understood so far was often linked to a physical problem, age or something called porn creep (I did a short blog on the later once)
    I never thought in the realm that there might be a shame issue involved. It stands to reason though as physical health and performance in in other areas can be affected by some underlying psychological issue. Shame being a huge factor in what would stop or at least slow down many people from doing things.
    Well said and thank you for sharing
    Lord Raven recently posted…42 Flavors of lifeMy Profile

    1. Thanks! Our bodies are usually very well-oiled machines and when worked in a certain way respond in certain ways, too. Barring a physical reason, anorgasmia is an emotional issue. And I’m not at all saying what goes on in others’ minds, just that *something* might be.

  2. Well done! Hy, awesome advice. I really like your advice on having your guy talk during sex. The men I am with tend to be pretty quiet and you are right – it kicks things up a notch or two to have that positive reinforcement. Excellent post – thanks!

    1. I should add a part to the section about ending it that there’s also probably a component of guilt at taking and not “giving”. Im gonna need to edit this, clearly 😉

    2. I fucked a guy once who cane silently. I hated it!! He just stopped moving all of a sudden and I was like, wait, what?? Lol Some sounds, verbal queues, anything I can read works better than that!

  3. Hi Hy,

    We described. From a male’s perspective I know I take on a lot of the “burden” of orgasm for both of us. What I’ve found is that it’s about the intimacy. That means taking time on each others needs. My wife and I alternate getting each other close multiple time before we dive head on into the orgasm phase.
    So while sometime you may just want to pop buttons and get at it at time take the time to build the pressure. Take away some of his control. hand and mouth work, bring him to his edge alone and talk, tell him what you’re feeling and wanting.

    1. Anorgasmia is a distinct inability, unrelated to stimulation, though. TN is fully functioning and can masturbate and cum (with and without me), but I cannot bring him to orgasm. I do certainly enjoy trying, though!

  4. Since I have actually experienced this lately, I like your take on it…my experience was still good, but I thought it would be better if I knew he came…it does also signal a natural ending in most cases. I’m not entirely aligned with the theory about an orgasm…because I feel like, for me individually, it signifies some of the better sex I have had. So, I assume the same for my partner.

    Love the idea of the man talking during sex, that is a massive turn on.

    1. Orgasms can make it better, but they don’t nevessarily mean it’s a *successful* coupling. And if your self-esteem were tied up in a man’s orgasm, you’d be in a pickle. And by “you,” I mean all of us, of course. Also, this is talking about anorgasmia. Not the occasional missed opportunity, but chronic lack of orgasm with/by a partner, which might be slightly different than what you’ve experienced.

      Re: talking more: YES! I love it ao much! Even though I myself am terrible at it lol

  5. Dear O of O
    I completely agree with Hy and add a couple of things from my own experience, as it is a long time since I could depend on cumming in my Wife’s pussy.

    First, it is a vicious rumour that men are simple creatures. We are as comed as you, we’re just not supposed to admit to it. Pistonining in and out of our partner’s body is rarely unpleasant, but we need mental engagement as well. Whilst we can provide this for ourselves – watching cock and cunt, conjuring up a fantasy in our heads, or even just focussing on the sensation – it can take only the smallest thing to break the spell. I don’t mean to suggest you are doing anything wrong – probably not – but I think the best piece of advice I ever read on blow jobs was to smile. If your man thinks you’re enjoying him fucking you, he will enjoy himself more.

    Secondly, does he wank a lot? If he does, he may have become too used to his own technique. There are inevitable feedback loops between a masturbator’s hand and their genitals which are near impossible for a partner to emulate. If he takes matters into his own hands when you’re not together, encourage him to save his cum for you.

    Hope that helps.
    Accidental Masturbator recently posted…I suppose they think that’s funnyMy Profile

    1. Yes, AM! It’s so awful how we assume men are simple creatures. I hope my “easy as Sunday morning” comment was read with the tongue in cheek that I was feeling. I was only highlighting the stereotypes!

      And I love your comment about wanking. TN used to wank up to 6 times a day, so he cut waaaaaay back and we did an orgasm control thing where he could only cum with my permission. It didn’t make him more sensitive like we’d hoped. He’s back to a more “regular” schedule, I think, of 1-2x a day or so, maybe less.

      For him, it really could be about years and years worth of jerking off 100x a week. Who knows?? Not much he can do about it now and like my post says, it’s not the end of the world. Maybe his sensitivity will return, maybe it won’t. I’m really ok with whatever happens 🙂

  6. This was so interesting to read. What I’ve come to know through many years is that sex changes, morphs, and evolves so that the longer you’re with someone the likely it is you will see this person through many sexual phases. Coach is 56 and is in shape. He constantly has to show his license because no one thinks he’s a day over 35. As fit and as healthy as he is, age is a factor (and long work hours just plain SUCK). We have to have really good communication and we learned to improvise, laugh at ourselves, and be flexible. There are times when Coach is thrusting away and it’s not happening for him that way. One night he just straddled my face and masterbated while I licked him. We found for us that it is the perfect way for him to cum while I get to participate in the experience. And then there are times he’s just perfectly happy and satisfied to get me off over and over. Actually it’s best that way before he ever tries to get inside because lately my friggin IUD string has poked his cock a few times. He said it feels like a needle. The more I’m stimulated and cum the longer my vagina expands and then he never hits the string. It’s always something because sex, as you say, is messy.

    1. TN masturbates with me frequently, but I am unable to cause him to cause through my touch. I kinda look at this as a phase, too. Who knows what the future will hold? When he and I first met he was 25lbs lighter and felt really great about himself. Maybe that has something to do with it? I’m sure it’s a factor.

      And thankfully I don’t have anything pricking him from inside (!)! OMG, can that be fixed or is he just hung like a horse and there’s nothing to be done about it? lol

      1. Body image is a huge factor. But yeah, phases. As we work on ourselves we change. The problem would be if he couldn’t get hard or sustain it.

        He likes to be buried deep, but I saw my doc today and we believe it’s probably the position of my cervix during different times during my cycle couple with my arousal level and the position we’re in. My IUD strings have been trimmed as short as she can trim them. As for size, he’s hung to a most satisfying length. Gee, poor, me, he’ll just have to arouse me more and make me cum more.

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