I hate this part.

The problem with going to bed at 9 pm is I wake up at 3 with a rather large little person splayed out on pillows on my side of the bed.  And then my mind starts to whir.

I miss The Neighbor.  So much.

It hurts down to my marrow, this process of removal.  I think of him 100 times a day and yet I stay my hand and remain quiet and away.  It feels naturally unnatural.

The Saturday after he ended things was Valentine’s Day and it was the day I reactivated my OK Cupid account.  A couple of days later I made a Chemistry.com account and just last night I finally finished building an eHarmony account.

I spent $45 on OK Cupid for 3 months of anonymous browsing and I’ve yet to pull the trigger on the other two.  Currently they’re just shell profiles since I’m unwilling to spend any money not to meet anyone.  Because the truth is, I’m not even remotely close.

I’ve barely chatted with anyone on OKC and have already decided to not meet anyone at least until the end of March, but what then?  Will I be able to be open to a great guy?  Will I be able to fuck?  Will I want to?  Who the fuck am I if I’m not fucking??

It’s been an oddly cruel experience to write what I want in a partner, what I’m like, who I am because as I lay the letters down I am really just drawing him and me: us.  I want us. 

The men who are contacting me are these unknown wildcards and I know what online dating is like.  Do I want a man who I met that way?  Someone who’s cracked the code of online banter and first dates?  But then I think, The Neighbor dated online, though that’s not how we met.  And then my stomach clenches thinking of the goldmine some chick is going to stumble upon with him: a talented lover, financially secure, kind, and — if she’s the one for him — his fucking heart.

We’ve hung out and talked several times since the hammer came down on the 11th.  Peyton initiated a couple of those with requests to see him and the others TN and I had planned on checking in with one another.  We’ve cried, we’ve been honest, we’ve laughed.  I’ve genuinely enjoyed his company despite the broken heart and pervasive sense of hopelessness.

The scheduled visits have helped bookend stretches of no contact where it used to be constant.  He wasn’t hit by a bus, after all, so why pretend like he was?

But something happened Saturday night which was out of my control and has thrown me into a twist: I dreamed that he’d been cheating on me.  I awoke yesterday with a deep ache in my gut.  Not only had I dreamed he’d betrayed me, but it had been rubbed in my face by Lina, a former friend of mine who basically introduced us through her prolifically slutty ways (had she not told me he was hung, I might not have ever looked at him in a sexual way).  It was a heartbreaking, humiliating dream.

Normally, I’d have called him or asked him to come over so he could assuage my fears and laugh with me in real life, but yesterday I couldn’t.  I don’t get to do that anymore.  It’s just me and my big fat brain.  All alone in its misery.

Thursday night’s dream also awoke me, though for different reasons.  I saw him walk into my new room, in this new home of mine, stark naked with a proud, jutting erection.  With a condom.  It was reminiscent of what he used to do with me when we were next door to each other, but the condom was a reminder that he is no longer mine.  I masturbated several times that day and night.  At least I’ve stopped sobbing when I cum.

As I finished my ridiculously Christian eHarmony profile yesterday (No, I do NOT think it’s a deal breaker if someone has had more than 10 sexual partners and YES, I do think the Republican party lost female votes based on their stance on reproductive rights) I felt flat, pressed between lab glass, because all I really want is him.

I love him.  I like him.  I want him.

His weird, introverted, yet fiercely loyal ways; his dry with and razor sharp mind; his huge, thick, glorious cock; his stamina; his need to help and his generosity; his accepting, open-minded philosophies; his strength and determination; his fiscal responsibility and earning potential; his handsomeness.  Who and what he is feels so right to me, but the feeling isn’t reciprocated — that I am right for him — and that one thing is what has pulled the thread on this entire affair.  Because it’s the most important thing; he doesn’t believe.

He told me himself on Friday as we sat perched far from one another on my couch after watching a favorite TV show together.  I had told him that the week apart had been strangely calm for me, that I was less hurt in general because he was no longer not really wanting to be there.  He agreed and said he was looking forward to seeing me, too, that his anxiety had lessened some as well.

“The only thing is,” I said, “I’m really having to work on why.  Why don’t you want to do this??  We’re so great together, we love hanging out, we’re great at sex.  I tell myself it doesn’t matter because I’m certain it’s not personal and therefore it’s your problem, but then I wonder if it’s those things you listed so long ago: I’m a mother, divorced, too old…” I let the sentence linger.  “Are you hiding something from me that would help me move on?”

He laid there looking pained.  “No, God, no,” he said.  “It’s just… I’ve never felt you were the one for me.”  He paused and looked truly stricken and added,  “I don’t know what is, though.”  I left it there because what’s the point?  I have to get my shit together and move on from this.  I have to find all those things I love about him — plus this elusive belief that I’m the right partner — in someone else because that’s what we do.  We keep going.

I remind myself that I came so close to hitting the mark with him.  He was a vast improvement over my marriage.  Maybe I’ll get it right next time.

But dating this minute isn’t an option; I’m frozen in stasis.  I don’t need the attention at this point.  It’s almost like a ghost limb thing being back online.  The Downstairs Neighbor discovered my profile this weekend and sent me an email.  It simply said, “Well, shit…”

I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.

At some point, though, I will be forced from my cave to get fucked.  I’ve considered calling some of my better, old lovers, but there was never that thing between us.  Kent, Phillip, and Kevin are three that come to mind.  They are all ok in their own right, but I feel shy and broken, though I’m sure they would certainly help ease my mind if they were available.

Dan, an old high school crush who wears funny looking and ridiculously expensive shoes, will be coming back through town in April and he’s promised me he’ll do whatever I want while he’s here.  Expensive dinners, lavish hotel room, any kind of entertainment I can think of will be his command.  Last time we ordered champagne up to his room and I poured it over my breasts as I rode him 17 stories high.  That wasn’t the worst night of my life, for sure.

In the meantime, I get to just sit here with my thoughts and the ache that’s going strong deep inside of me.  It reminds me of what I’ve lost and also of what I want.

I miss TN.

 

 

21 thoughts on “I hate this part.

  1. Oh Hy!
    Yes, the ache is very real, you even manage to convey it beautifully!
    I agree with you, you don’t sound like you are ready to date quite yet.
    I am also wondering what the point of the online dating is. I know, maybe I’m a fluke and I don’t know exactly how it happens, but I seem to be doing pretty well with no online dating. Maybe it’s because it is different in Europe, or maybe it is just that I am truly open to meeting new people, truly ready for it. I do believe that we meet the people we are supposed to meet when we are supposed to meet them. And so far, I have.
    All I’m saying is that it is important for you to heal before you start looking for someone else. I don’t think you will ever find the love of your life when all you can think about is how different someone is to TN and how you preferred TN…
    It is a good exercise to fill out these profiles because it helps you put out there in the Universe what you are looking for, but I fear as long as you are stuck on these things that you had with TN, you may not go very far in your search…
    Ugh, I don’t know if I make any sense. Worst of all, I fear that I may write something hurtful to you. This is the last thing I want, I hope you know it.
    All I really want to do is send you BIG HUGS!
    Dawn D recently posted…The Dancer knows how to work my body (Masturbation Monday)My Profile

    • Oh, Dawn, don’t you worry! This isn’t hurtful at all!! It’s perfect. 🙂

      And did you know that I rarely meet men in real life?? They don’t talk to me!! Since ~2002, when online dating became less scary and stigmatized, TN is the only man I’ve dated that I DIDNT meet online. Prior to that I met them all in bars and a couple from work. I don’t do bars anymore and I’m the boss at work, so those won’t happen now. Online seems like the only alternative…

      • Well, I guess you can say I met most of the men in my life online if you want.
        You have to remember that prior to a year ago, I met plenty of men but regarded none as potential BF material since I was married and planned to remain faithful to my husband. That and the fact I didn’t think I would draw any attention/interest because I was undesirable (or so my husband managed to make me believe). I’d never dated. At least not in the way Americans mean. So this is all very new to me.
        A lot of the men I met are through websites, but none through dating sites. I couldn’t face the rejection and hurt and unmet expectations that seem to take place in online dating. I don’t meet men in my every day life as I too am the boss. Not that there are many people to be the boss of, but it means I don’t have male colleagues I could meet that could be interested in a romance with me. Instead, I decided to sign up to go out. So I go out and meet people. I did that for NYE, I did that many times since. Oh, yes, when I go out, I scan the room, wonder if this man could be right for me or even interested in me, but by not being on a ‘date’, I can stay true to myself, act carefree, have fun. If they like it: great. If not… who cares!
        It is funny because by doing that, I have already met many men in less than two months, 3 of which I had sex with. All brought something to my life. Even if some for a very short time. With all, the sex was great, taught me new things about myself. And with some, a deep friendship has come out. This is what I mean. The fact that when I go out I am just expecting to meet new friends for me.
        The added benefit? The website is free 😉
        Hugs once more… XOOX
        Dawn D recently posted…The Dancer knows how to work my body (Masturbation Monday)My Profile

    • He’s never walked into my current bedroom (that I can recall) fully aroused like that, so that’s why I called it my new room. But yeah, we used to live next door; we shared a wall.

  2. I cannot fathom trying to date after a love relationship. I’d never meet anyone in day to day life!
    You might just need a trusted former partner to help you over the “what the hell will someone else’s hands, mouth, and cock feel like?!” part. Someone who knows what you’ve just been through and will be kind, who won’t mind being just a little bit used as your edges smooth out.
    Anisa recently posted…slopesMy Profile

  3. No comment on who The One for TN might actually be, but I feel like he tends to be at least somewhat disconnected from his emotions and I’m not sure he would recognise The One if she bit him on the ass. But if he’s listening to his gut now, that’s a step in the right direction and I wish him well.

    It puts me in mind of this quote from The Matrix:
    “Being the One is just like being in love. No one needs to tell you you are in love, you just know it, through and through, balls to bones.”

    Take care of yourself.
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…t-shirtMy Profile

  4. I recommend a trip to Jamaica (that’s what worked for me)…Or a trip somewhere! The planning will help get your brain focused on something else…you are still going to hurt for awhile…and it will take time, lots of time to heal…
    Lisa recently posted…JamaicaMy Profile

  5. I haven’t the first clue what it is like to date anyone. Hell even my husband and I as strange as it might sound never really dated. We were friends, then we were lovers, then we were us all by the time I was 18. That being said, I was introduced to a website not that long ago http://www.meetup.com/ that I’ve found fascinating and I can only imagine would be a great place to meet others while partaking in activities that interest you. Want to go to a writers workshop, check. Have a fun trivia night, check. Perhaps photography is your thing, check. Cooking, gotcha covered. Well you get the idea, What I am getting at is maybe check it out and give “YOU” a shot first and if you just happen to meet someone else while doing so than bonus. 🙂

    Many Hugs and Happy thoughts being sent your way. xo
    ‘Tis recently posted…‘Tis~isms #20My Profile

    • Hey! This is EXACTLY the sort of website my ‘let’s go out’ thing is 🙂
      I really like it. It helps me learn to get out there without having any pressure to fit in.Knowing me, knowing where I come from and how much of a pleaser I am, I know that I would try to change to match a date’s expectations without even realising it. At least I’m still worried about doing this, I’ve been conditioned to do it for so long! With this site, if I like it the event and the people, great, if not? I won’t go back.
      It also allows me to meet new people without any expectations and… well, I highly recommend it! 😀
      Dawn D recently posted…The Dancer knows how to work my body (Masturbation Monday)My Profile

      • I wondered if it was the same thing or similar. There is something for everyone on that site, it really is impressive. As of yet, I’ve only been lurking but I am hoping to pull the plug soon and start going out and meeting new people. 🙂
        ‘Tis recently posted…My Fuzzy ValentineMy Profile

  6. Dearest Hy, I am so sorry not to write sooner but I haven’t been able to log into your site in ages (it’s always blocked by the corporate bots …I wonder why?! lol). First, I am so so very sorry about TN. I have read back and can feel your tangible pain. I am amazed at your strength though – you are doing amazingly well in my opinion. Just getting through moment by moment is an extraordinary feat to be commended.
    The thing I take away most about this post is that you are moving too fast my dear. Slow down, breath. Mourn your loss at it is significant. Let the tears wash through you. I am happy to see you don’t accept others judgement on TN….you loved him and you had a relationship, take the good from it (which it seems to me you are doing). Take a little bit of time to just sit in the sorrow as painful as it is. When my mother died, I read so many books about mourning and they all gave the same advise no matter what the loss….let it consume you for a time because you will come out the other side cleansed. I found this to be very true.
    I have been online dating for months now and there is good and bad to it. Don’t put too much hope into the profiles…most times what you read is not what you get from the man. It’s a messy world on line dating, but little nuggets of fun can be had…I just don’t think you are in an emotional state to deal with the let-downs that come with online dating.
    And there was recently a series of articles on HuffPpost divorce about why people in their 30s and 40s SHOULD use online dating – the basic message is that “how else do you meet people of your choosing?” You won’t be spending time in bars or clubs with friends the way you did when you were younger and the bulk of the population is already on line dating. The stigma is virtually disappearing. You should google some of those articles to set your head at ease – it’s entirely common nowadays.
    Good luck and my thoughts are with you. Many many hugs and glasses of Prosecco to get through some of those really crappy moments. xxxxx

  7. I feel your pain, but I see your light at the end of the tunnel. You are strong beyond belief. You know this and will prove it again before this is complete. I wish I could just be there to talk with you. Take you to dinner. Good food and great conversation. Just close your eyes and breathe…

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