The grass is brown everywhere.

It was dark and his skin was warm.  I arched under him and spread my legs reveling in his weight upon me.

My clothes were twisted around me and unceremoniously pushed away until the parts necessary for connection were exposed.  I couldn’t see him, his face was obscured in darkness, but he felt familiar.  A little.

He spread my knees with his and I let him push into me.  His floppy brown hair bounced a little as he began to move and I closed my eyes and felt him inside of me.  Something was missing, but I knew if he just moved a different way, stayed with me, I could get where I needed to go.  But instead he stopped and pulled out.

I curled up and covered myself.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I know what you want me to do and I don’t feel like doing it,” he said matter of factly.

“What?”  I was incredulous that a man would openly admit to being so withholding.

He repeated himself, not kindly: “I don’t feel like giving you what you want.”

My gut clenched and pooled with the embarrassment of rejection.   “Get the fuck out,” I whispered.  “Just go!”

He shrugged noncommittally and rolled off the bed and disappeared into the dark doorway.  I sat there bereft and befuddled.  I had been filled and ready for pleasure only moments before it was taken away.

And then I woke up.

::

I blinked into the pre-dawn darkness and thought about what my brain had just conjured.  The Neighbor would never do anything like that, though the past three weeks has certainly felt as though I’ve had the rug ripped out from under me much as the dream Hy had done to her.  Maybe that’s why my subconscious gave my rude lover long brown locks instead of his shaved head: it wanted me to know the difference between them.

I have successfully survived one week without him.

I have stayed busy and away, true to my heart and open, and committed to a daily check-in with myself.  We talk every other day or so because I want to and need it and because Peyton needs it.  For now.

For now it’s also simple.

Neither of us are doing anything except hurting and our long, open talks with lots of tears are cathartic for us.  We cried in each other’s arms when I told him I was proud of him for ending this when I couldn’t.

I want to be his friend and I need him to be mine; maybe we’ll make it happen, maybe we won’t.  Right now I think that depends entirely on how long we can hold out for sex because at some point we will be forced to go find some and that will change everything between us.  I feel like I’ve swallowed a bucket of rocks whenever I think of it, not unlike the stark loneliness and disappointment I felt in my dream this morning.

Another man’s hands and mouth on me, another cock, another mind wrapped around my own.  It’s all slightly repulsive to be frank.  And I feel desperate on occasion to think of TN’s specialness, our chemistry.  How the fuck do I find that again??

But I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

::

It was during the break when Noodle and I were talking one night.  This was before the hammer had come down and no one, least of all me, knew what the fuck was going on.  She was being cautiously optimistic while I was being pragmatically negative when one of us said, “Doesn’t he know the grass is brown everywhere??”

We laughed because we’re both well aware of just how fucking hard relationships are and there’s no such thing as green grass anywhere in the damn field of love.  “That’s kind of sad, isn’t it?” I asked.

“No,” she said, “Because brown doesn’t mean dead, it means it’s winter, it’s laying low.  Wheat is golden brown before a harvest, before it reaps great rewards.”  I got her point.

Relationships are difficult, brown if you will, because they take near constant effort to maintain and a willingness to let it be seasonal.  If all we ever had was spring, we’d never get to harvest, but that’s a little like what TN seemed to want from us.  He was unwilling/unable/un-something to go through the seasons with me and if it wasn’t going to be green then he didn’t really want it.  My threshold for pain was much higher, apparently.

I told him last night that if we could ever figure out how to really be in each others’ lives then I would want to try, but the truth is neither one of us could crack open to the other.  Yes, I was demonstrative and hopeful, but I was also packed safely away while he was a million miles the other direction and wriggling on a hook in total discomfort.  Despite my love for him and my desire to figure shit out I remained a safe distance away from him, too.

It’s thinking about him wanting to do it for real with another woman that makes my belly churn with despair.  I imagine he’ll figure it out one day, but I won’t be around to benefit.  Hopefully by then though, I’ll have found a new man with killer sack skills, a pretty and delicious cock, a decent savings account, a career he loves, an easy way with Peyton, an open heart, and a love and devotion for me.

It’s a tall order, I know, but I never thought I’d meet anyone like TN, either.

For now I’m committed to celibacy for at least another month, possibly two.  The idea of being sexless makes me hyperventilate, but I’m trying to be reasonable.  I am no longer starved for male attention like I was when I left my marriage; I know I’m desirable, a great catch, sexy.  I have all of you to thank for that.

I think I’ll be leaning on my Internet Boyfriend quite a lot in the coming weeks and months.   I want to be measured and smart about this time in my life, channel the sexual energy into something more useful than desperate texts to uninteresting and uninterested men.

I also have to remain calm and remember I have nothing to prove anymore and this pain and loneliness may actually light my path.  I don’t know why my journey in life thus far has included so much rejection, but I’m determined to figure it out and I believe that if I ignore this latest pain and loss I will only be prolonging this interminable loop of failed love.

I might end up happier if I try.

 

13 thoughts on “The grass is brown everywhere.

  1. You are a catch, Hy. You are enough for someone, for many someones, most likely. It makes me glad that you see that too, that the part of you who recognized you are enough didn’t die last week. I hope the person who is what your mind, body, spirit, and child needs is just around the bend.
    Anisa recently posted…slopesMy Profile

  2. Noodle has a great point. Relationships are damn hard and there are ebbs and flows (okay, water reference instead of harvest). What I have found a challenge in the past is knowing when one is simply in a winter season, versus actually having land that has been destroyed and will no longer be able to nurture life.

    One could argue if you wait long enough and tend long enough, the land comes back. But you ask yourself if it’s worth the time and effort and if the harvest you get is worth it in the end.

    Some people stay in relationships that are ultimately not enough. I suppose only time and distance will help you know whether this decision was, in the end, the right thing. And as we’ve spoken about, finding someone with the elusive chemistry, the same appetites, who can satisfy you… that’s no small feat. But I have faith <3
    Ann St. Vincent recently posted…Figuring out why I’m chill about Tony.My Profile

  3. ((HUGS)) I’ve been reading and crying with you over the past three weeks. Haven’t said much, because platitudes felt empty.

    The grass is green where you water it – at least that’s how I look at it. And you both deserve people who are willing to crack themselves wide open as hell for the other and work equally as hard. I’m a hopeful optimist – especially about love – so I believe that’s a possibility for anyone looking for love. Now that I’ve come through one end and out another, so to speak, in the relationship world, my view is this: don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t make you want to give them all of yourself. You probably won’t realize they’re the one when you first meet them. And you might even be terrified, but the little voice in your gut will know. Until then, I’m happy to be part of your Internet Boyfriend crew again. Never left, actually. ((HUGS))
    Kayla Lords recently posted…e[lust] 67My Profile

  4. Oh Hy, you are such a strong beautiful woman – both inside and out. I think you are doing all the right things. Take your time, heal, think. I love the water, so I think of relationships like an ocean. Moving endlessly, changing and at times breathtakingly beautiful. When you are ready, you’ll dive back into the water, but for now enjoy the sandy beach and rest. <>

  5. I really love this post. I know how painful these past few weeks have been. And maybe they won’t get better for a while. Who knows? But like Kayla, I’m an optimist. The big thing I notice is how you’ve grown. And not just in relationships. While we only get to see a tiny slice of Hyacinth Jones, the IBF has really seen you flower. I suspect you may agree and I bet you know Hyacinth much better than you ever have. She’s pretty fuckin’ remarkable isn’t she? Smart, sexy … and strong! xoxo

    Mike

  6. You sound like you’re doing ok. Heartbreak is such a mindfuck. It feels like you’re never going to see the light and then you do.

    As I type this there’s a guy out there going about his life not knowing he’s the lucky man that’s going to fuck and love you. And you him. Can’t wait to someday read about it here.

  7. It’s hard to hear your thoughts while being so far away and “virtual”!
    It’s amazing to see what a strong and devoted community of “virtual (boy)friends” you have though!
    I can only echo what they have said above … I ache for you. And at the same time I am SO proud of you!
    Keep on keeping on, dear! None of this is a reflection of your worth, it’s only the perverse nature of a universe controlled by a god named Murphy.

  8. “Don’t worry about a thing,
    ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
    Singing’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
    ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”

    Rise up this mornin’,
    Smiled with the risin’ sun,
    Three little birds
    Perch by my doorstep
    Singing’ sweet songs
    Of melodies pure and true,
    Sayin’, (“This is my message to you-ou-ou:”)

    (Bob Marley – Everythings Gonna Be Alright)

    Hugs my Lovely Friend xxxx
    Kim

  9. Sometimes these are the relationships that prepare us for “the one”. It’s still too fresh, but it’s stages of grief until you one day wake up and there are no more tears. I have faith real love is just around the corner 🙂 and it may not be in someone else, you find what you need. Just a thought.

  10. Hello Hy,
    I strongly agree that you are onto something with the last paragraph of your blog. Desperation and the need for validation from a sexual partner only breeds the continued attraction of partners who can’t commit and who fear the relationship you are looking for. Being a marriage and family therapist intern I tell anyone in your position to take a breath and realize you are special to the Universe and it is up to you to gain that realization as well as coming to grips with the fact that you have “:magnetized” yourself so that these people are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Make a list of all the qualities of the man you want in you and your child’s life. Then take a breath and with a critical eye examine every man who seeks you out or who you feel are brought into your life. Stop settling for second best (or third or fourth) and know that the Universe will bring the right person to you once you know what you really want. Many blessings.

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