All I do is think of you.

I’m in your Ohio sweatshirt again.  It’s not very warm; my nose is cold in my apartment.

I went to bed last night with the tiniest glimmer of hope that I’d wake up to a midnight text from you ending this break of ours.  I didn’t.

Then I let the glimmer return until I saw it was past your alarm time this morning.  You didn’t text me then, either.

I know you well enough that if you were to end the break today those would be the two times you’d do it.  I mean, why wait?  Why prolong the misery?

I’m not spending too much effort on trying to figure this out anymore.  The thought occurred to me that if you knew you wanted to dump me today, you’d do it now.  I don’t think you’d make me wait an extra 7 days just to hear some of the worst news I could imagine coming from your beautiful, bearded face.

Your car was parked by the gates again this morning.  I imagined you’d left to get food or to work out because I also saw a car that resembled yours at 3 pm yesterday outside your building.  I wasn’t going to go verify it was yours — it was an accident that it’d caught my eye in the first place — but my brain did mean things to me.

If it was you, some ideas crossed my mind as to why you’d be home so early: you were heart-sick, you were actually sick, you met a woman and had a nooner, you pushed back on work and stayed home/came home early, you were depressed because you’d decided to dump me later tonight, you were taking care of yourself for a change and played hookey, you had some kind of apartment thing to do.  Just ideas…

It’s hard not to sound crazy right now.

I slept with your wadded up sweatshirt cradled like a stuffed animal in my arms.  I’m not ashamed of that.  I feel empty, lost, and I’m too fucking busy this week.  I feel like a robot about to short-circuit.  Move here, type there, do this, do that, must complete, refuel, rest, repeat.  Oh and: don’t fall the fuck apart.

I am numb from holding my breath. My hope ebbs and wanes with every passing minute.  Twenty seconds of hope, 40 of despair a thousand times over since you left my sight 7 days ago.

I’ve been taking some pics for my Instagram account.  It feels ridiculous, like a cosmic joke.  Normally I send you those pics.  I’m just going through the motions, a robot again.  I don’t feel sexy or beautiful or desirable.  My orgasms are orgasmic.  Nothing more.  I’m almost too sad for that, but cumming makes me think of you and us in happier times.

I think of you stroking your cock and spurting hot semen on your hairy belly and I get jealous.  Of you.  Of your ability to be there with you for that.  How ridiculous is that??  I’m jealous of you for getting to be with you.  I guess this is where I start sounding crazy again.

The idea of anyone else being with  you, of making you feel like I once did makes me want to scream.  It’s how I know I’m not ready for this to be over.  I’ve never cared about others moving on before and so I turned my back on them and blithely walked away with swagger.  With you I will walk woodenly, jilted and wounded, but walk away I will, of course, if that’s what you want.

I told Peyton last night that we’d likely not see you this week due to busy schedules.  It went over well, but there was disappointment.

I’m empty again. 

I’m  trying to connect the many dots that you’ve scattered out there.  I can’t.  They’re simply everywhere, TN.  Which is when I hug patience tightly to me.

I keep wondering why I’m not mad at you for this.  I’m not.  At all.  I feel a gaping space of fear and bewilderment, a little hope and a lot of strength, but I’m not angry.  I feel badly for you that you are hurting this much to require such a drastic thing as pushing me out of your life completely for two weeks.  I know how much you love me and how important I am to you.

Should I be mad, though??  I just can’t be.  I wouldn’t be mad if you’d broken your leg and couldn’t walk.  Your heart is broken about your life right now and you can’t be you for a spell.  I get that, I really do.  Heal, think, learn, be and hopefully you’ll come back to me.

Hopefully.

Tenderly,

Hy

JB

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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12 thoughts on “All I do is think of you.
  1. You don’t sound crazy, you sound heartbroken and worried and nervous and sad and all the things you should be feeling. i have little patience for him in times like this. “I need to think.” bull shit. you need to man up.
    Not everything has a happy ending, but you will figure this out, you’ll be strong for Peyton, for yourself, for your job, and just because you are amazing. I hope he comes to his senses. Soon.

    And don’t feel bad about those moment’s of hope. 25 years after she left me, I still smile when I see a beat-up Blue Volkswagen Beetle drive by.

  2. You’re not crazy. It’s hard to not let ones mind float away when there is no longer a frame to hold the edges. Hy, you know we will all be here for as much support as we can provide, but please don’t stop supporting yourself in anyway that seems safe and necessary. Hugs to you. xo
    Beatnik du Jour recently posted…Deep in the NightMy Profile

  3. Sorry to break it to you, but all the best people are crazy.
    I know how you feel, I’ve been feeling a little crazy too so I can’t say you are or aren’t. However, you are amazing sweetheart, and this darkness is temporary, no matter what the outcome of this break will be. I wish I could do more than just write a comment here. I’ll take a shot of Tequila in your name tomorrow and keep you in my thoughts. Much hugs and love to you Hy. xxx
    Scarlett Dubois recently posted…An Untitled MessageMy Profile

    1. Can I just like this comment?
      This is exactly how I feel. You’ll make it through. You are a strong woman. And he is a strong man. And whatever happens, you will make it and be stronger for it. Maybe not right away, whether he comes back or not, there will be things that will have shifted in these two weeks. You will need to find a new balance. But you will become stronger for getting through this situation.
      Much love and big hugs from my side of the pond.
      XO
      Dawn D recently posted…Letter To 13 Year Old KatMy Profile

  4. I am truly sorry that fate has picked this moment for you. I hope that TN is able to repair the damage he feels is his and is able to return to you. The world desperately needs more of the love the two of you have shared. respectfully stan

  5. Hi Hy, so sorry you’re going through this heartache. I never comment but I enjoy your writing so much! It’s sweet, sexy, raw, and smart :) you’re so in love with this guy so words are just words at this point but I’ll add my two tiny cents. I think he loves you but I don’t think he loves you how he should. And I also don’t think he can love you more than he already does. You guys have been at this for years right? You deserve someone who wants to fucking be there even when shit isn’t great. You can’t be a chore for him. Not now , that’s something unhappy married couples do. TN seems like a great guy but I think you know he’s given you all that he can. Again these are all words that may not have meaning. I hope you someday meet someone who can give you everything you need and want. Someone who doesn’t give you panic attackS at the mere thought of them leaving. You deserve more.

  6. I’ve not commented in months, but I’m still reading. You’ve been on my mind today, given your present situation. I can relate! It blows. The waiting….

    Hugs.

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