I can’t feel my heart.

I fell asleep sobbing last night, Friday, too.

I’m crying now.

I drank a bottle of sunshine last night, a cheap Chardonnay with a twist off cap.  It prickled on my tongue as I nursed it over the course of 7 hours and it wrapped its languid arms around my shredded heart and whispered in my ear to just do it.  No surprise that I am regretting all of it because the first thing I thought of when I awoke was The Neighbor.  And then I cried with the rain in the early grey morning.

Late last night while lying in bed I discovered a photo of us together.

It was May 31st, a bright summer morning.  The image is of me on my back in a white tank and The Neighbor is pressed against me, shirtless, his mouth is in a slight curve against my arm.  His face is relaxed, serene, eyes are closed.  His beard is red, he still has his hair.  The arm his lips are kissing is holding the phone up and I am smiling softly, lips together.

I texted it to him and said, “Stumbled upon this just now.  Kinda breaks my heart.”

As I looked at this image of two people in love the tears burst from me.  I set the phone down on the covers and curled up and wailed.  The dog and cat shook with me as my cries tumbled out.  It was several minutes before I noticed he’d responded with a sad face.  The long, lonely night behind me was like gasoline on the fire of my sadness.  The other men aren’t going to help me feel better like I hoped.

He came over on Friday as planned.  We spoke for some time before we watched our show.  It’s not getting any easier to see each other — we are clearly both in a lot of pain — but I wanted to see him, to drink him in.  I had a glass of red wine waiting for him and the vacuum cleaner to do his promised cleaning, but our talk ate up the energy to make that happen.  He only sipped the wine and promised to vacuum on Monday when he comes to read to Peyton.

We talked more about how we were doing and I shared with him more of my thoughts, how it’s a struggle because I still want him.  He asked me if I felt he didn’t want me and seemed hurt that I would.  I pointed out that he’d broken up with me, but I guess it isn’t that black and white for him, either.  He does still want me, there is just a larger governing force within him that thinks I’m not the right one.

He said he wants to be single for a very long time.  It hurt to hear, obviously, but I can accept that.  I can even accept that he believes I’m not the right woman for him.  What is excruciatingly difficult for me is convincing myself that he is not the right man for me, because it never felt that way and it still doesn’t.

It was the best relationship I’ve ever had.  The sex, the companionship, the trust.  He made me feel special, even if I didn’t feel like a priority, but I know why now.

I don’t have a list of things he did that I can rely on to spurn my anger into resolution; I don’t have a laundry list of wrongdoing to ignite my fury.  Every single thing he did that hurt me was at its core due to the one reason he left me: he didn’t want to be with me.

His occasional, odd shadiness, his unwillingness to commit, his aversion to blending our lives, his emotional distance, our dwindling sex life.  All of it was caused by the conflict within him of loving me, but not believing I’m the one for him.  Which in its own fucked up way makes this feel even more insurmountable because it was only  one thing.  It just happened to be a doozy.  One ring to rule them all.

And I can’t be mad at him for that.  It’s not me.

While I was riding the crest of that sweet, warm buzz last night I made a date with a tall, handsome eHarmony man.  I gave my number to hot black guy on OK Cupid.  I reconnected with Phillip who lives in CA full time now and no longer has business here, but who wants to see me somehow anyway.  And I even reluctantly agreed to go on a date with an old high school friend who professed to having a massive crush on me for the last 25 years.

Those few hours of man-juggling before I stumbled on the photo of TN and me were like being suspended above ground and not fearing the fall.  I felt beautiful, desirable, happy, invincible.  I felt safely tucked away from the pain of his rejection, but it was relatively short-lived because I knew even as I cried myself to sleep last night that it had been just a fancy, frilly, empty façade.  I’m not ready to be with anyone else, and this morning’s regrets confirmed it.

I can’t feel my fucking heart.

It’s not in me or even near me.  Its absence is made obvious by the leaky sadness which oozes out of me nearly every moment of every day I’m not focused on something else, by the hiss of longing in my ear when I think of never having him in me again.

I can’t feel my heart because he still has it.

He’s trying to hand it back, but I don’t think he’s entirely prepared to do that, either.  It’s half-assed because he does still want me and miss me and love me.  So now there are puzzles to solve and terrain to traverse.  I have to work to get it back with patience and understanding and know that it will be returned in pretty bad shape.  I’ll need to let it catch its breath and heal, become stronger, before I try to use it again.  The tall guy was understanding when I cancelled our date today.

TN isn’t hurting it on purpose, but one thing is for sure: the longer he has it the less opportunity I have to care for it.  I’m just now understanding this.  Somehow, I have to get my heart back.

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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26 thoughts on “I can’t feel my heart.
  1. Oh, sweetie. Wish I could sit and sip wine with you while we talk, or don’t talk, whatever. I’ll have a small glass here tonight in solidarity.

    (yeah, I’m one of THOSE pregnant ladies, one of the reasonable ones who isn’t afraid of a measly glass of wine once in a while)
    Anisa recently posted…in the eye of the beholderMy Profile

  2. Good wine can come in with a “twist of cap” . Its ok. A cork doesn’t make it good. Your a very passionate women. Lucky man to find you down the road….drink a little drink, toke a little toke. Best to you and son.

    1. Of course it can, but it really was cheap. I didn’t say it was bad! And I don’t toke. I’ve heard is nice for those who dig it, but it’s not my thing. I’ll have to settle for Netflix binges ;)

  3. :(

    A harsh truth from my experience: do with it what you will.

    You can’t heal when you are seeking comfort from the one you are trying to get over. It keeps the wound fresh and open and seeping.

    Maybe you can be friends in time, but being sweet with each other now is going to keep you in this space. And maybe this is all you can handle right now because anything else is unbearable. Trust me, I get it.

    But soon, you are going to have to cut him off and give yourself (and him) time and space to heal for real. And when you think you are strong enough (perhaps not ‘over him’ exactly, but ‘okay’ at least), THEN get back in touch and see if there is something left to build a friendship on.

    *warm hugs*

    Ferns
    Ferns recently posted…My sent emails XLVI – the sex-voiced TexanMy Profile

    1. You are not even a little bit wrong about any of this, but cold turkey didn’t make sense when it happened. I had Peyton to consider and I was still wrapping my head around it.

      I’ve already talked to my little person and said that we won’t be seeing much of TN for a while bc my heart hurts too much right now. Pey understood and isn’t protesting. We’ll see him tonight and then not again for some time. I might have my last night be Friday when we’re alone. I’d like the chance to set a boundary in person. We’ll see

  4. Love & warm squishy hugs from me too Hy. It hurts me to read of your heartache & pain & remember the feeling all too well. Do as you need to for as long as you need. xx

  5. *hugs* I want to recommend a book I’ve been enjoying. Tiny beautiful things- by Cheryl Strayed. I don’t give perticualrly great advice or write particularly good comments but I like this book and I think you might too. Maybe you already own it and this comment is useless.

    Even if you don’t like the book as a whole I think you’ll find something in there that you identify with. I hope you get your heart back soon ** <3 **

  6. Oh Hy, how well you have identified the problem.
    HE still has your heart, and it is selfish of him to not let you heal on your own terms because it makes him hurt less.
    The fact that this was the best relationship you’d ever had doesn’t mean it’s the right one for you either. I can tell you that my relationship with G was the best I’d ever had. But there was too much missing from it still. And when I recognised that, I knew I had to walk away.
    I think you are right, you are not ready to be with anyone else quite yet. You say that your bubbly feelings were just ‘a fancy, frilly, empty façade.’
    All I can say to that is sometimes, you have to walk through the paces even if you don’t believe in it quite yet, so that eventually you will start to believe all these things about yourself again. You ARE ‘beautiful, desirable, happy, invincible’. It is just hard to see it right now, but it doesn’t make it any less true. A bit like affirmations work by being repeated to the point that you start to believe them, so maybe it is going to be with dating and other men. Maybe you’ll have to go through the paces in a little while, just to remind yourself of the validity of these happy feelings.
    Here I go rambling again. All I really want to say is “HUGS”.
    XO
    Dawn D recently posted…Thank You!My Profile

    1. I really don’t believe TN is selfish. He’s hurting, too, and doesn’t want to let me go anymore than I do him. It just sucks, but oh well.

      One good thing about where I’m at today vs where I was after my marriage is that I totally feel beautiful and desirable. I definitely don’t need a man to convince me of that, so you don’t have to worry about me with that, thankfully! It was just nice to have outsiders make me feel that way, too :)

      And let me be clear, the way TN and I were in the end wasn’t sustainable. We would’ve had to change the thing that broke us up, for sure, but if it’d been different for him it’d be 100% amazing.

      And I love it when you ramble. Don’t ever stop ❤️❤️❤️

  7. Dear Hy – give yourself time to grieve and deal with all the emotions running through you.
    Recovering from heartbreak is no easy feat – don’t fight your feelings, you are not supposed to feel all sexy and wonderful right now. Accept the emotional turbulence for now.
    Also, I’m not so sure that the regular contact is such a good thing?!?! Isn’t it making it more difficult for you both to move on…..sorry I might be completely off base here.
    Lotsa love and HUGS sweet lady
    xxxx

    1. I agree with it all. I’ve spoken with Peyton and we’re all clear that we won’t see TN for a while (after tonight). I just needed to truly wrap my head around it all, I guess.

  8. I have to chime in with Ferns and Kim, and wonder why you’re spending time around him. It seems that all it’s doing is making it harder for you to heal.

    (hugs) my friend

  9. I’m glad I read your comment to fern before commenting.

    I think you have a solid head on your shoulders and I think you know your strength and worth apart from him. I think TN is the same confused guy we met before you guys got serious. He doesn’t know his heart and can’t seem to figure out how to be with you/not with you. maybe I’m not being fair to him, but its obvious he hasn’t changed. A shame because you’re a catch!

    Okay I still said more than I should have just then. I don’t know everything no matter what I read here. I do feel like things will work out for the best.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…SinewMy Profile

    1. You didn’t say more than you should have. Your advice is sage (as is most people’s). It’s just a shit situation that I have to wade through. Love you.

  10. OK, I don’t comment here much, but read every word you write. Maybe I missed it, but are there reasons that TN feels you’re ‘not the one?’ He said he loves you, he enjoyed being with you. Did he make a Pro’s and Con’s list to determine you’re not the one? I don’t get it! I do believe that whatever the issue is, it’s with him. Doesn’t make it any easier, I know. But I DO agree with the others who said spending time with him is not healthy for your heart. I hope you can heal from this and assure you I’ll be reading your posts and hoping for only good for you and Peyton.

    1. Thanks for commenting all the same, Catrina :) TN’s reasons I’m “not the right one” are not clear, he just feels it and has always felt it. My feelings for him have always made him uncomfortable. I can shrink him from my armchair all day long, but that’s pointless. He’s doing the right thing by letting me go and freeing us both up for something that feels better. He has not said he needs or wants anything different from me, I’m just not the fit he feels he should have. So, that’s that.

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