When the sun is out shadows are cast, they are part of a sunny day.
But when the sun goes away, when it’s extinguished, all you have is darkness, a void. An ugly bleakness.
The Neighbor has left me in this darkness.
I have discovered a trail of broken glass as he’s left my life and I am bleeding, gutted.
I see a sadness inside of me that is frightening. All my life I have ignored my inner voice though it is loud. I have wanted to be loved so badly that I have ignored so many things, everything.
There isn’t one bone of regret in my body about him because I acted on what I thought was real, but I am shaken and disturbed. I hurt and yearn and want to vomit.
My heart is shredded, a disgusting, pulsing mess somewhere in my chest. Flub-dub. Flub-dub. First I destroyed it with my own shaky hand when I wouldn’t — lo, couldn’t — keep him away from me when he told me he didn’t want to be with me 3 years ago, and then he destroyed it as he proceeded to keep me close despite knowing it was going no where.
I let him in, closer to everything in my life — closer to Peyton — and meanwhile he’d been doing God knows what with an eye past me to something else. Past me!
I am filled with rage and want to pull the walls down around his fucking ears. I want to rail and scream and shout and list all the things it seems he’s done, but I won’t. I won’t give him anything else at this point. I can’t make sense of it, none of it. And I am devastated.
I tell myself that of course he loved me, but I don’t know anymore now… it’s been tainted by his indiscretion and insensitivities.
This is fucking hell.
I spent a couple of hours with Troy and Jack on Saturday and my heart beamed as we recounted filthy stories and called each other cocksuckers between sips of our drinks. It was wonderful to be with them, my two sex buddies from yesteryear.
The connection between me and Troy was as electric as ever, but he is nearly fianced and I respect that. Jack is like a toy I keep under my bed that I bring out with a partner; he and I have never had one-on-one chemistry, but I love him all the same and was so happy to share my time with him with my Giant by my side once again.
What’s important about that minor event is I never in my life thought I’d be sitting with them in a dingy Johnny Cash-themed bar.
When things ended between me and Troy he had chewed me up and spit me out. He’d screamed at me, betrayed me, called me names, assaulted my ears with stories of other women’s magical vaginas, you name it and he did it to me. Yet, there I was feeling fondly about him asking him if I should wear a bra or not to my date.
It only took 4 years and endless apologies from him to make it happen, but happen it did, and all I hear is how happy he is I speak to him at all.
Perhaps that’s what will need to happen with The Neighbor: years apart and endless apologies. Regardless, I don’t think I can do a friendship with him today and I am heartbroken all over again as I see the unpenetrable darkness around me without him.
I never wanted to feel this way about him. I thought he was the sunshine, but maybe that was just me.