When the sun goes down.

When the sun is out shadows are cast, they are part of a sunny day.

But when the sun goes away, when it’s extinguished, all you have is darkness, a void.  An ugly bleakness.

The Neighbor has left me in this darkness.

I have discovered a trail of broken glass as he’s left my life and I am bleeding, gutted.

I see a sadness inside of me that is frightening.  All my life I have ignored my inner voice though it is loud.  I have wanted to be loved so badly that I have ignored so many things, everything.

There isn’t one bone of regret in my body about him because I acted on what I thought was real, but I am shaken and disturbed.  I hurt and yearn and want to vomit.

My heart is shredded, a disgusting, pulsing mess somewhere in my chest.  Flub-dub.  Flub-dub.  First I destroyed it with my own shaky hand when I wouldn’t — lo, couldn’t —  keep him away from me when he told me he didn’t want to be with me 3 years ago, and then he destroyed it as he proceeded to keep me close despite knowing it was going no where.

I let him in, closer to everything in my life — closer to Peyton — and meanwhile he’d been doing God knows what with an eye past me to something else.  Past me!

I am filled with rage and want to pull the walls down around his fucking ears.  I want to rail and scream and shout and list all the things it seems he’s done, but I won’t.  I won’t give him anything else at this point.   I can’t make sense of it, none of it.  And I am devastated.

I tell myself that of course he loved me, but I don’t know anymore now… it’s been tainted by his indiscretion and insensitivities.

This is fucking hell.

I spent a couple of hours with Troy and Jack on Saturday and my heart beamed as we recounted filthy stories and called each other cocksuckers between sips of our drinks.  It was wonderful to be with them, my two sex buddies from yesteryear.

The connection between me and Troy was as electric as ever, but he is nearly fianced and I respect that.  Jack is like a toy I keep under my bed that I bring out with a partner; he and I have never had one-on-one chemistry, but I love him all the same and was so happy to share my time with him with my Giant by my side once again.

What’s important about that minor event is I never in my life thought I’d be sitting with them in a dingy Johnny Cash-themed bar.

When things ended between me and Troy he had chewed me up and spit me out.  He’d screamed at me, betrayed me, called me names, assaulted my ears with stories of other women’s magical vaginas, you name it and he did it to me.  Yet, there I was feeling fondly about him asking him if I should wear a bra or not to my date.

It only took 4 years and endless apologies from him to make it happen, but happen it did, and all I hear is how happy he is I speak to him at all.

Perhaps that’s what will need to happen with The Neighbor: years apart and endless apologies.  Regardless, I don’t think I can do a friendship with him today and I am heartbroken all over again as I see the unpenetrable darkness around me without him.

I never wanted to feel this way about him.  I thought he was the sunshine, but maybe that was just me.

 

 

15 thoughts on “When the sun goes down.

  1. I’m sorry to hear that there have been new revelations/deceptions when it comes to TN. Then again and I’m just thinking out loud here, there is a part of me that thinks maybe this is what you’ve needed to be able to move on from him. Anger is after all one of the stages of grief and perhaps this will allow you to say goodbye like you need to be able too.

    and Hy! You are most definitely the sunshine my dear!

    xo
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  2. Part of me wants to know what else happened with him, but a large part of me is glad I don’t know. I continue to be upset for you when you deserve sunshine, but I’m happy you had a bright spot with Troy and Jack. I wish I could tell him when a stupid idiot he is, but I have a feeling he’ll see with time. The way he never really went away back when he was a true ass to you says more about him than you. He doesn’t know what he wants truly and he’d rather tear you to pieces than be truly honest.

    Hang in there. I’m definitely pulling for you.
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    • To be fair, he’s oblivious and has no idea I am hurting; he hasn’t done anything TO me, but thank you for your words. He’s still not a bad man, just not the one I thought.

  3. Hy – setbacks are inevitable, 1 step forward and 2 steps back as the saying goes. “chin up, shoulders back, wipe those tears & get back on track. Smile, wave & wink with class then tell them all to kiss your ass”!!! We are survivors Girlfriend ((hugs)) xxx

  4. I’m genuinely sorry for the additional angst & hurt you’re feeling Hy, it does sound as though you’ve been dealt another painful blow. It’s a stumble on the track back to you & your sunshine, my hugs are coming from a long way down under, all the way to you. xxx

  5. I can FEEL your PAIN coming through this post. =( Yes, friends at this time is not a good idea with TN. How do you proceed? Keep going to therapy…keep reaching out to friends and family…keep writing…keep spending quality time with your boy…and keep thinking about the future and not the past. All things you have been doing so it just takes time…time for your precious heart to heal…and it will heal.
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