I am heartbroken.

Hy in her CA tee
My heart might be in California.

To the outside world, I think I appear completely normal, though beneath the surface I have been awash with all the fear and pain and anger that I worked so hard to keep at bay for all those months.  I can do nothing but stand in its current and let it rush past me for it is bigger than little ol’ me.  A lot bigger.

I miss him desperately.

I am furious with him.

I love him.

I am walking the precipice of every heart that’s ever beaten.  Great wars were started over broken hearts because it is a languishing, vile pain.  It’s there when you awake and still watching you as you sink into your dreams.  It cheers at your deepest insecurities and chides the hope you try to build.

I haven’t slept in two days because the thought of completely losing him from my life is too painful.

I have the delightful and dubious pleasure of a documented relationship and when I dip into the past, the distant TN and Hy past, I can see the turmoil I was in.  My heart was in limbo, he was distant and non-committal, but when he chose to share himself with me I stuffed him inside of me in every way I could.  Little nibbles here and there in my mouth and in my soul.

He has always been him and I will not allow myself to fault him for it.  I am determined to remember his love for me and shroud myself within that memory as I work through all the rest.

I always knew he would leave me.  I think he always knew.  I wrote about it extensively and worked hard to live in the moment.  I never let him address the strange state of our relationship in that way as I tried to stretch the clock.  I was complicit in our pseudo-status.

Weeks and a river of tears later I have come to terms that it has run its course and the only thing for me to do now is to accept it — and him — with grace and loving memory.

There are other men on the horizon as always.   Men who may help me heal, men who may be better for me.  I might even have one between my legs today.

Hy in her CA tee
Keep going, Hy…

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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11 thoughts on “I am heartbroken.
  1. The horizon is still the horizon… but it is not always easy to get past the emotions that have brought us to this point. I can say I wish you all the strength and hope that will heal and let you put it in the past.

    A side point is that you are still stunning and, while I am sure there are many that would love to have any of your time, I hope that you will find one worthy of the attention. We are probably worlds apart, but you know I am always around if you need someone to listen.

    Hugs
    Charles recently posted…Paths Less TravelledMy Profile

  2. Oh Hy – my heart breaks for you….I just want to put my arms around you and give you a tight squeeze, but instead virtual (((HUGS))) xxx

  3. Knowing that it is going to end doesn’t make it easier when you hope it won’t….

    I’ve been a bad follower and haven’t been keeping up with what’s been going on. When I read “I got mine” I was confused and had to back up. The heartache you are going through is painful even when, like TN, you know it is going to end. Happiness will return if only because you are so intent on bringing joy to others. Good things always come back around to good people. And you a good people.

    And that last pic! WOW! Thank you. Very much….

    now I have to go leave a comment about the pushy guy in the next post.

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