I am more than my needs.

Hy in pink panties
I wish I were different…

I lost my virginity at 19 to a boy I barely knew.  He was blond and golden, had soft lips and a beard that tickled my face.  I knew him about a month before we drank smuggled wine in my bedroom and I let him go down on me.  His mouth was warm and soft and his tongue was perfect.  It was the first time I’d ever allowed a boy to do that to me.

When he climbed on top of me and tried to shove himself in me he had no idea I was a virgin.  It hurt for all of 3 seconds and was over in 4 and I laid there wondering what the fuck had just happened.  This was nothing like what I’d read about in the romance novels I devoured.

That fateful night 20 years ago marked the beginning of my lifelong pursuit of sex.  I have never stopped looking for it, needing it or wanting it.  As a young, single woman I averaged sex about once every two months.  This was pre-internet and trolling bars and parties was the quickest way to Point B.  Then the internet entered my home and it altered my universe in a molecular way.

No longer was my quest for attention and sex limited to in-person interactions, but now it was virtual and could happen round the clock.  I web-cammed with men while they jerked off in their offices, I came on screen while 4 men watched, beating themselves to climax into hands and tissues and towels.  I had phone sex with men in NY City while he lay on silk sheets and with men who lived in Salt Lake City who shyly told me their fantasies.

And then I got a smart phone.  And then divorced.

The pull for constant contact and reaffirmation was all consuming and I was sucked into a cycle of men that for a year consumed my life.  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner I had men in my head, possibly my body, in my phone, my computer, my space.  They littered my emotional landscape like garbage.

The Neighbor cleared them away with his massive cock and persistent attendance, but I never resolved the crisis within me, that feeling that if I’m not hunting I am nothing.  That if I am sexless, I am losing something.

Couple that with the fact that I believe The Neighbor is out trolling for sex [with women better than me] and I am experiencing a kind of split rejection, an internal tension that has stretched me taut and spread me thin and in order to mitigate the existential pain of his rejection and subsequent satisfaction with someone else I have to find someone, the voice hisses.

The past two weeks since I’ve been home have been a maelstrom of men.   Tinder, OK Cupid, that eHarmony guy, my old lovers.  None have ended in any kind of consummation, but I’ve orgasmed a few times, squirted, have some beautiful bruises, and seen a cock or two (none of which have come even close to measuring up to what I want).

I’ve switched gears and put my efforts into Adult Friend Finder because at least there no one bitches me out for being a size queen and I figure I’m a decent human being on an adult website, so I’m sure there are male equivalents.  On Tinder I allude to gold wrappers and hope for the best.

So not only do I crave sex, but now I have the added misfortune of wanting it attached to a huge cock and a kind man who actually wants to be with me.

My struggle today, this moment, is to chill the fuck out, remind myself to remember all the kindnesses The Neighbor gave me, believe every word he ever told me, let him go, and to move on.  I won’t do anything I don’t want to do and will be patient.  My life doesn’t actually revolve around sex, despite what I might think or how it feels.

I have a child, a career, friends, my health, this blog, my writing.  What I have to offer a man is top shelf, a high commodity.  If I rush into the arms of every horny man who thinks I’m hot I’d never get a moment’s rest.  Apparently, men like me.  A lot.

What I have always done wrong when I’ve dated is I have approached it desperately, with a churning, oily need inside of me.  Almost a sickness, my need to be desired has pulsed throughout my life and it distracted me from so many things that mattered more.  I won’t do it again.

This time around I am clamoring for balance, for that belief that what I have to offer is worth some fucking effort.  I am catnip, yes, but substantial, too.  I’m a fucking person, goddamnit.

How on earth does a woman who loves sex, big cocks, kinky sex, and general debauchery obtain it when she’s sensitive, intuitive, and sweet?  When she’s horny as fuck all the goddamned time?  When she yearns for love and commitment?  I’m a walking contradiction and my own bear trap.

It may be small-minded of me, but I only wish that The Neighbor is at least half as miserable as I am.

Hy bruises
There was a fella who knew just what to do to my ass.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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20 thoughts on “I am more than my needs.
  1. Hy, it sounds like you’re out there having fun. You are balancing that with healing from someone you loved very much. Only now, two years after I left my ex am I getting there. I find it hard to trust anyone for a date, let alone sex. Still, that’ll change. Do it your way, follow no path.

    Namaste.

    PS: I don’t think I’m big enough for you.

    1. I wouldn’t call it “fun” Kev, but it is enjoyable! I wonder if it won’t take my heart as long as you to heal, honestly. And don’t worry, seems like no one is big enough :( xx Hy

  2. Always easy to look back, harder to see what might be… It makes me ache for days when I was a little younger, for I know what it is to enjoy a woman and reading your words makes me wish I didn’t live in small town America, everyone knows your business or wants to. Hard to find even a viable dinner companion, let alone a woman that cares enough. I hope you can find the satisfaction you seek, or at least distractions along the way that leave you with more smiles than disappointment. Always a pleasure to read what you share..
    Charles recently posted…StormyMy Profile

    1. Isn’t it easy to look back? That’s te fascinating thing about life, really. We’re geniuses when reliving time, idiots in the future :)

      I’m sorry it’s not an ideal situation in your neck of the woods. That sucks.

      I’m always happy you’re around here. Don’t be a stranger. xx Hy

  3. Hy,
    I see progress.
    First, I want to say that, no matter whether TN is out trolling for sex, it doesn’t mean that it is with women better than you. Only that he too is trying to satisfy his needs. And that he finds you may not have been the best suited for that doesn’t mean other women are better than you, just better suited to his needs. There is no sense of your worth or lack thereof, it is all a matter of compatibility. A very different thing!
    Secondly, well… I can relate to the contradiction. I too am a horny, hard to satisfy b**ch who’s looking for love and commitment.
    We’ll find it, eventually. We’ll find exactly what we need and want.
    In the mean time… let’s have fun :-)
    Big hugs.
    XO
    Dawn D recently posted…A peaceful dayMy Profile

    1. I agree, but I have to tell you I’m not even remotely close to hearing that another woman might be “better suited to his needs.” Still hurts… :(

  4. Contrary to what others have said, this doesn’t sound fun at all. The challenge ahead of you is daunting, it will be tough, it will take time, and, in the end, it will result in a major redefinition of you as a person. You are not, as you say, just a bundle of sexual need. You are a mother, a daughter, a friend, a writer, a child of divine nature and a woman with transcendent power to define herself in her own terms.

    When we seek for approval in the arms of others, we give them power over us, great power to lift or destroy, and now you need to take that power back, to evaluate what you ar that goes beyond sex, and measure your life differently.

    How do you add value to the lives of others?
    Where do you serve best?
    How do you lift your friends, your child, your family?
    Do you take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually?
    What makes you happy when fully dressed and out of bed?

    You bring joy to many around you, but now you have to focus on the difficult work of defining a new set of criteria. It is hard work, but you are worth the effort, and the results will be amazing.

    1. I agree with you wholeheartedly, Advizor. It’s not “fun,” but I’m trying to enjoy myself during the process of reimagining who I am. Thanks for saying such smart (and kind) things to me. xx

  5. ‘…if I am sexless, I am losing something.’

    My god, hearing this makes me feel so much less alone! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  6. Hy,

    I stumbled upon your blog last week reading about female ejaculation. What I found here is so much more.

    I have enjoyed every word you’ve written and when I read this post today my heart ached for you. I don’t have any solace to offer except you aren’t alone. Your writing let me know I’m not either. When the world proves itself to be a cruel place, you open your heart to it and ask, “what else you got?!”

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful journey. Sending you many loves!

  7. Hello there

    I am from colombia and i dont remember how i found your blog but i love it! I cant resist jerking off while reading your posts, sometimes i read them with my gf while we masturbate in front of each other.

    I would love to send you pics of my cock and my gf giving me blowjobs…i would love to exchange messages and pics with you. Nothing makes me hornier than sharing pics on the internet..are u interested?? Big kiss and keep your blog just like this!

  8. Oh wow. I feel every word you’re saying. If it weren’t for my severe anxiety and depression I would be as actively looking out for sex as you. Instead I masturbate and go online looking for attention. Like someone said above please let me know when you reconcile this contradiction. As for TN, I’m sure he’s probably trolling on line for sex and he’s probably fucked someone but I can guarantee you that he’s compared them to you. I don’t know you but I sense that you’re not the kind of woman one forgets just like that. As a reader even I find myself wondering about you, WWHD? You’ve set the bar fucking high

  9. You know, I’ve seen quite a few images of you and I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve seen your ass. Nice to see you :-)

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