I need you, Internet Boyfriend.

I am feeling lost and sad and lonely.  The Neighbor’s birthday is this weekend and, being silly me, I offered to take him out for his birthday on Saturday, Independence Day.

“So…” I began, “I was thinking I should take you out for your birthday this weekend.  Tina and Amy are both out of town, Peyton is, too, I’d like to do something fun.  What do you think?”

He looked at me with a quizzical look.

“C’mon!  It’ll be fun!  What else would you be doing?”

“I’d go into work then go home,” he admitted. Then he added, “Lemme think about it.”

I knew that was code for “Let me check with my therapist.”  “Ok,” I said.

A couple of days later he called to say I could take him out for brunch.

As you know, Internet Boyfriend, brunch is a sore spot with me.  He never went with me, hated it, he said.  “I’m not a brunch person,” he’d assert.  No matter my protests, he never budged.  The closest I ever got were a handful of 5 am wake-up calls to go to our favorite greasy spoon. I took it, appeased, but still longed for what brunch represented: a closeness, a lazy stroll through the morning after an intimate night, a declaration of couplehood.

Last weekend I told my dates that I wanted someone to go to brunch with.  Both men got what I meant without hesitation.  Last night my date got it, too.  “It’s special,” he’d agreed.

But this offer of brunch isn’t any of those things to The Neighbor.  If I had to guess — and that’s all I can do — it’s because it’s the safest slot to put me in.  It won’t be late, there won’t be much drinking (if any) and then he can bail on the excuse of having to do some work.  I could feel the long arm of his therapist in this decision since I had clearly made my intentions known that I wanted to take him out for the evening, as friends only.  “What do you want to do?” she likely asked.  “I want to hang out with her,” he’d probably said, “but I don’t want her to get the wrong idea…”

It makes me sad because the truth is there is a deep, dark part of me that wants him to come back around to me.  Not as we were, obviously, but as I’ve jumped into the deep end of dating I realize once again how special he is, how special our connection is.

Both Tina and Amy have rekindled romances with their exes.  They look at me with surprise when I say TN and I haven’t slept together once since breaking up or even kissed.  They have both gotten reengaged with their men and — despite all the complexities and confusions it’s caused — are happy with their lots.  I want that, too, but I can’t break him down; he has a steel grip on his resolve, never drinks too much around me, runs out of the house if he does, and because my heart is still dripping with loss I rarely contact him.  The chances of us bumping into each other with lowered inhibitions are nil.

I’ve come to realize that his rejection of me is integral to my wanting him.  The fact that I can’t charm the pants off of him, literally, invigorates me.  I want to know why, I want to solve this riddle.  I can charm the pants off of 97% of the men I meet, why not him?  Hell, why not the Bad Texter?  Even he has me on the hook because he is a complete mystery to me.

As I’ve been given the bitch slot of the day on Saturday it’s caused me to wonder why I even bother, but it’s that inexplicable itch I have to scratch.  Man after man I meet as if it’s my job and one by one they fall to my wiles.  It’s so easy, too easy, IBF.

I’m ashamed to call myself charming because it might come off as arrogant, but I don’t know how else to explain that with very few exceptions I manage to make a man want more of me.  Except the men I want; they eschew me, dodge me, refuse to see me.  Those are the men that draw my attention most: the ones who don’t see me.

Last night I sat at the same dive bar as I had with Remington only 3 days earlier.  We nearly sat at the same table, but out of respect for the ghost of that first date I steered us to a different table.  He was a fine looking man, fit and wirey from climbing, self-assured, a little nerdy looking which drew me in.  We began to talk and I found myself fitting to him as I had Remington, and The Lawyer and Mr. Nerdy, and all the other men.

Remember that ridiculous date I had with the guy with the face tattoos?  Or the power-lifter aficionado?  There have been others I never even wrote about because why?  They all went nowhere.  Yet, without exception they all thought it went swimmingly and wanted more of me.  I’m exhausted being their perfect woman and I am forgetting to look for my perfect man.

I’m so busy being charming and winning them over, figuring them out and being wanted that I am completely forgetting to be discriminating.  Why would I want this guy?  Is he the right fit for me?

He loves camping (I hate it), but, I think, maybe I’m doing it wrong and he can change my mind.  He’s a little bit overweight (and that’s not really my thing), but, I think again, he could lose it, it’s not a character flaw.  He’s a recovering alcoholic (and I don’t really want to mess with that being the drinker that I am), but, again, I can’t judge him for getting his life on track.

And so I have these inner dialogues during these dates whereby I dismiss all my red flags, all the things I don’t really want in a partner, because I don’t want to judge and I want him to want me.  And, what if I’m wrong??  God forbid I make a mistake.

I have this thing about me — I’ve noticed it my entire life — that I naturally emulate whomever I’m with.  When I’m with Sharon, I get a southern drawl, when I’m with Tina my hand gestures mimic hers, when I’m with Amy I walk like her.  Studies have been shown that it’s a likeability factor, this emulation.  We are naturally drawn to those who are most like us, who become familiar.  Books have been written on how to capitalize on it.

I suppose this was something I was born with then the skill was deeply stroked as a child in an unstable home.  To survive my mercurial parents, I had to disappear, figure them out and be as likeable as possible.  It’s led me to success in my career, but loss in love.  I rarely know where I start and they end I am so impossibly contorted to be likeable.  This gift of being a chameleon comes at a price: my own voice, my own way.

At the end of my date last night he asked how I was feeling.  I was his first internet date ever (“I prefer analog,” he’d explained) and it was off of AFF.  The truth was that I didn’t find him all that attractive physically, but I had enjoyed the conversation.  So, I did what I always do and kept him on the hook.

“I’d like to see you again, but I have to be honest, I’m a little worn out.  I go out a lot and next week I have my kid again.  Are you a patient man?”

He smiled, pleased I was interested.  “I am.”

I left it at that and we walked out and had a chaste kiss across from my car where, 3 days earlier, Remington had assaulted my mouth and pussy with hidden skills.

I drove home and got texts from Mr. Nerdy.  He’s excited about our date tonight, a traditional dinner and then an activity.  He’s been amping up the sexual content of his messages and I, quite frankly, don’t know if I have it in me.

I am so tired.

David came over Wednesday — yes, the guy who had taken himself off the market was back at me — and had railed me to oblivion.  He’d picked me up and thrown me around, choked me while his hand slammed into me until I puddled around it.  He bent me over and licked my asshole while holding my hands behind my back, fingered me and slipped his fat, unprotected cock deep inside my wet hole.  I’d gagged on his massive cock.

He struck my flanks, my legs, my thighs until I was fire-engine red and fucked me until he came on my back.  We’d laid in the waning light and talked about safe things: our dogs, physiological reactions.  Then he’d pulled me back into him and rolled on top of me and kissed me passionately until I pushed him off of me and tried so hard to get that enormous dick down my throat.

Tears squeezed out as they had earlier in the night, I’d vomited a little and then he’d flipped me over and railed me again until his muscles seized up from his 60k run over the weekend.  I’d fallen back on his cock and he’d turned me around to finger my ass.

How many fingers and how far he was into me was lost as I tried to cope with his penis.  He coached me as I whimpered, mortified and turned on and determined all at once until I’d vomited completely into my mouth and pulled off, stiff and still, looking for something to spit into.  That was it for us for the night.

We found ourselves trapped in the vortex of miscommunication again and I realized it was so easy to fuck him and let him come around because though I had figured him out I didn’t actually want him in my life as an important person.

I lay there, opposite him with his leg draped over me, his hands massaging my ankle and me stroking his calf thinking how comfortable I am with a guy I would never want to date, whereas the men who want me cause me great discomfort.

Mr. Nerdy has no idea that David sucked it all out of me.  I don’t want to have sex tonight, though I’m sure I will.  I will because I’ll mold myself to him and want to win him over.  Plus, I like sex.  It will likely be good for me to be with someone who’s interested in me beyond just my willingness to put out.  And, he wants to take me to brunch.

But I will be kicking him out sometime in the night, under the summer moon, because I will have to wash up and be ready for The Neighbor’s birthday brunch and afternoon surprise (I’m taking him to the batting cages).  He says he’s excited and really looking forward to it.  Strangely, I am, too.

I’m looking forward to figuring this out, IBF.  I’m lost.  I’m sad.  I’m lonely.  And The Lawyer wants to spend time with me on Sunday which makes me feel all the more lonely.  I need you.

 

 

28 thoughts on “I need you, Internet Boyfriend.

  1. I’m not sure if my reaction to this. Part of me is extremely distressed for you. Another part of me understands. Like you’re making choices I’d make even though I know I shouldn’t. Don’t wear yourself out too much, save something for you

    • I’m tired, Cara, it’s true. I want love, but feel utterly incapable of making the right decisions to get it. I definitely need a break. It’s coming, thank God. Thanks for being here for me.

  2. I saw the Bat Signal in the sky and thought I would mosey through here. Here are my thoughts. I should warn you … I’m in a very pissy mood … even more than usual … so my apologies before I even get started.

    You and TN. You remind me of a canine. Like a dog with a bone, you won’t let it go. Believe me, I get that. It’s extremely hard, I know. But you must. Man-up girl! And helping him celebrate his birthday? Such a bad idea. Like the dog, you won’t stop chasing that car every time it goes past. And even if you “caught” it, you wouldn’t know what to do. You wouldn’t be happy. You’d just sit there dazed.

    The other men? Same problem. You think you know what you want … but Babe, you haven’t a clue. You have been so spoiled at how easy it’s been, that you have become lazy. Totally fuckin’ L-A-Z-Y! At least you’re starting to give your head a shake. It’s a good beginning.

    Ok, I’m going back into my hole now.

    Mike

    • Good ol’ Mike. I’m not sure I’d call me “L-A-Z-Y,” just hurting and trying to make it go away. I know you hated me and TN… I don’t know what to say. My heart might be more flawed than even my logic.

  3. Sweet Jesus darling woman. Your heart is scattered and desperately looking for that glue to pull it all together again. I understand. I also understand about the chameleon trait. I deal with that also. Something I’m becoming more aware of as I move forward in my own journey. It has it’s pros and cons.

    Some advice: Take things one day at a time. Find the two or three lovers that fit your needs at the moment. Each one will bring his own quality that you need. Don’t look at them as relationship material but ‘stop gaps’ as you slow down and take care of yourself. Get strong while your needs are being met and when ready take your time to find the one you really want to build something with. And maybe, just maybe along the way… one of those lovers you already have may fit the bill.

    Be selfish right now. Take care of you.

    Much love,

    ~ Vista
    vicvista recently posted…The Problem with Denial is Denial.My Profile

    • Thanks, Vista, your words are awfully kind when you probably are thinking I’m nuts.

      Having 3 lovers doesn’t really sound all that appealing at the moment, honestly. I’m just going to fulfill my obligations this weekend then become a hermit for a while…

  4. Cancel. Don’t do it. You shouldn’t have to jump through this many hoops to be a part of his life. Don’t EVER be with anyone (friend, lover, family) that doesn’t truly want to be with you because he/she enjoys your company.

      • You are Hy. It doesn’t seem like because you’ve been doing it for a while. I know you LOVE him, want him to be part of your life but it’s a slow painful death doing it this way.

        I know you’re not asking for advice especially not from someone like me but cut it out. The close proximity of him is killing you.

        He doesn’t love you. He loves you the way you love a sister. Without the gross factor. I mean what man doesn’t take out his girl to brunch? He’s not a bad person for not taking you to brunch or doing boyfriend shit with you; but it’s something most people wouldn’t be able to overlook no matter the special connection shared. Most people would call it a day after being turned down like that. Even Fuck Buddies do brunch Hy and he wasn’t able to do that.

        This whole birthday thing is a bad idea 🙁 you’ll be left with an empty feeling in the end. Why on earth would you do this to yourself ? I think Mike described the situation perfectly. Stop chasing him Hy. One of these days he’ll meet a woman and you’ll find out and it will destroy you. Cut the cord before you’re not longer able to put your heart back together. I know you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do… Just look out for your heart.

        I believe you’re charming and I also believe you’ll find the man you’re meant to be with. I believe it like I believe in evolution:) some people are meant to be alone, you aren’t one of them. You just gotta put in the work, sweat, and tears. *hug*

  5. Hy, I had a thought yesterday… Dating is like a juggling act, you may drop one from time to time, and have to decide whether to grab it back or to keep it in rotation……

    I really feel for you… I too have a man that I have deep feelings for that just won’t budge!
    Joyce C. recently posted…Intoxicated…..My Profile

      • Then you are luck Hy!! Because it’s both my heart and the guy that won’t budge.
        I was with a repeat lover a couple of nights ago, and dammit! I kept seeing J’s face and body in my head and it almost made me cry.

        I was thinking earlier today that we as single strong independent women desrve it all. We really do! We know what we want and I do believe that the “one” is out there somewhere.
        Just be yourself… if they can’t handle it, then go on to the next.
        If they are not wanting a relationship and their hearts not in it, then as painful as it is we must cut ties.

        I do hope that this birthday brunch went well for you both today, but I do worry if you are setting yourself up for wishful thinking dear. Only you can protect your heart.. don’t give it away to one that doesn’t want to or can’t love it back. HUGS!!!!!
        Joyce C. recently posted…Intoxicated…..My Profile

  6. Here’s what I’m seeing: I think you’re onto something when you note what it was like for you growing up. You learned that love is something that you have to work for and earn, and if you’re accommodating enough, clever enough, and you work hard enough you’ll probably get it, like good grades. Right now you’ve got a 97% in affection but you still want that other 3%. I think TN, being avoidant, represents a terribly engaging challenge, like a monster crossword or fiendish Sudoku – you’re so good at shaping yourself to be what a man desires, why can’t figure out how to be what TN desires? But that’s not how it works.

    You are worthy of love already. You don’t need to earn it – trust me on this. I suspect you’re having a hard time finding what you’re looking for because you’re not really clear on what that is because you don’t really know what you want deeply in your gut, and the noise created from trying to please them is drowning out your own voice. Work on your boundaries, work on figuring out what you really want, work on nurturing and loving yourself. (I still have difficulty answering the question “what do I want?” in various areas – it’s a work in progress.)

    I recommend that you skip brunch. You sound torn, but it sounds like your gut is telling you not to go, especially not if it’s going to be “brunch”. Tell him the truth or make an excuse, I don’t think it matters. He may well be relieved too, so you may be doing him a favor.
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…that was intenseMy Profile

    • I 100% agree with you about the 97/3 split. I went out last night Mr. Nerdy and it was a huge mistake. I’ll write about it later, but I was so depleted and raw I couldn’t be charming. He was sweet, but revealed more to me that I don’t want. I went to bed alone and was woken up 15 mins ago with a text from TN. He’s very excited about our plans today. I don’t feel I can cancel 🙁

      There’s also the added “July factor” that I completely forgot about yesterday. I have several extremely upsetting anniversaries the first 2 weeks. I think that’s a big part of my sadness right now.

      Thanks for all your kindness, Z. xx Hy

      • If TN is looking forward to it, then maybe you can enjoy it for what it is – a nice time with someone you care about and who wants to spend an hour or two with you – and not regret what it isn’t.

        It’s odd how those anniversaries can sneak up like that, that the sadness keeps such a good eye on the calendar. All the more reason to focus on looking after yourself right now.

        Take good care of yourself, my dear.
        Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…that was intenseMy Profile

  7. A long time ago I was in a similar place. Our engagement ended (on Valentine’s Day, no less) and my heart was so shattered that moving on was damn near impossible. I put on a brave face, I went on a few dates, but I also made every excuse I could think of to see him or talk to him. I had to return things he left at my place, we needed to talk how to split joint purchases, whatever. We’d be at the same parties and I’d find a way to chat with him. He was like crack to me, not because he was so amazing, but because my heart was broken and those short visits soothed me temporarily. I don’t remember now when it happened (it was months) or what the final straw was, but I finally acknowledged that seeing him made me feel worse instead of better. It was like a sucker punch to my gut and I didn’t want to accept it. But it flipped a switch. Suddenly I could see how his behavior made me feel like shit. I deserved more than his breadcrumbs. He didn’t deserve my heart or my friendship. I suspect it might be like this for you and TN. Your heart is so shattered that you want to hold onto any piece of him. But every time you see him, you’re hurting yourself. Someday your heart may be able to handle a friendship with him, but right now, you’re torturing yourself. Right now, he doesn’t deserve any of your time. You’re an incredible woman (said in a totally non-creepy-internet-stalker way) and you have so much to offer someone. You deserve to be treated like royalty, to be cherished and nourished, to stroll to brunch with someone who loves you, and of course to be fucked senseless. *smile*
    NDG recently posted…Switching it upMy Profile

    • This is a beautiful anecdote, NDG, and I truly hope to get there one day. I’m sorry you can relate to me in any way, too, btw. This sucks! I envy the people who can shut it down and walk away. I have the worst time saying no!

      In any case, I’m planning on getting through today and then distancing myself. I’m also on the verge of dumping everyone else; it’s too much!

      Thanks for all your words. xx Hy

  8. I understand why you are the way you are and I think that’s why I’m drawn to your words. I know you’re like me and have to follow the path all the way to the end even though you’re afraid and you still pin your hope on people who are hopeless. I wish I could hug you.

    Nothing hurts like finding someone who understands your thoughts and feelings, who is lonely and hurts the way you do–and even though they’re fucked up just like you are, they can’t handle you either.

    I hope you always, always follow your heart. It hurts but at least you don’t go to bed every night feeling like you left something undone or didn’t give someone you care about your all. Sending you many Internet loves!

    • Thank you for the Internet hugs, Delerium. I’m definitely in need of hugs!

      And you’re right, I never go to bed with that kind of regret. That’s a half-full way of looking at it. 🙂

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