It’s like Groundhog Day.

I was late to the Groundhog Day party.

I remember it coming out some time vaguely in the early 90s, but I avoided it because the idea of Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell having a thing sort of grossed me out.  It next came to my attention when Britney Spears had her epic meltdown in the mid 2000’s and she tried to explain her erratic behavior by way of her life being “like Groundhog Day.”  It was sometime after that that I sat down and watched it and it blew my fucking mind.

It’s savvy, it’s esoteric, it’s bloody brilliant.

In the last 6 months I’ve watched it 5 times; there’s something so hopeful about Phil’s actualization.  If Phil can do it, so can you, the movie tells us.  I can do it.

If you watch closely enough you’ll notice that Phil is trapped in Punxsatawny for at least a short lifetime, 30-40 years depending on who you ask, and in that additional lifetime he tries every form of suicide to end the torture of the loop.  He tries being selfish to no end.  He tries being helpful to no end.  He can’t figure out why he’s there until eventually he strives for real change and for truly, selflessly loving someone.

Our lives aren’t that different from Phil’s.

We repeat loops ad nauseam.  Sometimes our loops are beneficial because we learned them that way, other times the loops are negative.  I’d have to say that it’s the latter and not the former for the majority of us.  We’re all just a little bit twisted.

Was it Einstein who said the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?  Well, he wasn’t taking into the human condition when he said that.  We do what comes naturally and that sometimes means the stupid thing.  I’m certainly a testament to this.  So is The Neighbor.

He texted at 8:30 this morning saying he was hungry and what was the plan.

I had just woken up and was still feeling the effects of the two Benadryl I’d taken last night.  I told him I’d pick him up in an hour.

My date last night wasn’t fun.  I was stressed and sad and wrung out, but I didn’t want to cancel on him.  I had made a commitment and I was going to do my absolute best to be fun.

He was charming and sweet, but frankly that couldn’t make up for the basic fact that I don’t want to date him.  He’s not him.

A number of things made it next to impossible for me to get over the hump of my bad mood.  First, he was clearly very stressed out about the bill of the meal. I ordered as cautiously as I could, but felt guilty.  I offered to pay half; he said I could pay the tip.  Second, he was critical of my pacing of my half of the wine.  Dude, I got this.  And third, he likes oh so many things I couldn’t give two shits about.  He wants to run away to his mother’s upstate NY barn to make belts and coffee tables and insisted on talking at length about a table design despite my protests and assertion that I could not follow his words.

After dinner we went for a drink and I couldn’t stop yawning.  I apologized profusely for being off, realized that more than just my broken heart was at play and opened up a little.  “The first week-and-a-half of July is a rough time for me,” I explained.  “I have a lot of really upsetting anniversaries,” was all I divulged.

My dad died 9 years ago on the 8th, I put my sweet cat down on the 6th 3 years ago after 15 years together, TN broke my heart 3 years ago before, during, and after the 4th, TN’s birthday is the 4th which has always caused me stress, my closest grandmother’s birthday is the 9th and she died a sad, awful death 6 years ago, and a dear friend killed herself 2 years ago on the 9th.  It’s a brutal time for me.

I don’t watch the calendar, but on some magical, cellular level I know when it’s time.  And this year, it all came together on July 3rd.  Go figure.  So poor Mr. Nerdy bore the brunt.  And he wasn’t pleased.  He said I should have just cancelled, but I didn’t know that I could.   I thought I was doing the right thing.

He was also under the assumption that a successful date meant we’d fuck.  I didn’t appreciate that.

He dropped me off and I gave him an apologetic kiss, walked upstairs, stripped, took two Benadryl and climbed into bed to let the pink curtains close on me.

Today is a Groundhog Day because I got a call at 10 am from TN.  “Are you here?” just like old times.

“Yeah, why?”

I heard a knock on my front door.

It was him all over again.  The same smile, the same look, the same everything.

He walked in and gave me a hug, said happy fourth of July or some such.  I hugged him back and wished him happy birthday.  The entire damn day reminded me of the day I took him shopping, with some degrees of less of flirting, but I’m confused.  What does he want from me??

At brunch outside under an awning with coffee (him) and mimosa (me) in hand we laughed and talked and it was so easy compared to last night, compared to Thursday, compared to Monday and the previous Friday and all the other first dates I’ve had.  It was impossibly easy.  And it seemed impossible for us to avoid innuendo.

Waiter: So would you like the mimosa in the wine glass or the champagne flute?

Me: The big one, please.

TN: Of course you want the big one.

And so it went the entire morning.  We decided to forgo the batting cages and go kayaking instead.  At the convenience store I grabbed some ciders in a little 4-pack.

TN: Only four?

Me: Well, they’re extra big.

TN: That’s right they are.  That’s how you like ’em.

We drove down to the dock and stood in line with all the other revelers and I felt so natural and relaxed with him that I couldn’t help but feel confused and sad.  I didn’t want to be anywhere else but right there with him.

We signed our waiver, paid, and then had to apply sunscreen on one another.  He dipped below my bikini bottoms with his warm fingers then pulled them up and let them snap back with a hushed thwap.  It was intimate and surprising.

In our boats we paddled downstream, against the wind, and floated under bridges in and out of the sun.  We hooked our feet on each other’s fiberglass boats and floated like locked dragonflies wherever the current took us.  He handed me my hard ciders whenever I asked and encouraged me to flash the boats filled with hat-donning tourists that quietly moved past us.

The way we interacted, and to a very large degree the things we said to one another, were almost identical to what would have transpired one year ago today.  I felt like in a time loop, like Phil Connors.

When we got back to my car I got a text from Sharon telling me she was bailing on our plans tonight.  “I’m too tired,” she texted.  “I’m so sorry.  I have to take care of me.”  I fought tears.  I’d made plans with her so I didn’t have to be alone tonight.  I miss Peyton who’s been out of the state all week and my other two go-to friends are out of state, as well, and well, it’s a massive holiday and I just spent the last 5 hours with my exboyfriend who broke my heart less than six months ago.  I was looking forward to being with her and out and about.

“I know this bums you out,” TN said, “but it’s kinda crazy how different we are.  If it were me and I just found out I didn’t have to go out with a friend I’d be thrilled.”

“What are you doing later?” I asked mostly just to fill the space.

“I have a barbeque at my boss’ house and then I’ll go home and do some work.”  I felt somewhat relieved that he didn’t invite me.  I couldn’t handle another Groundhog minute with him.

“That’ll be fun.  I’m gonna make a steak and drink wine, I guess.  Maybe I’ll head to the pool and sun my backside.”

I drove him to his building and we hugged tightly and I drove off thinking that the only difference between today and a year ago would have been he’d have fondled my breasts and I his cock; two or three years ago, we would’ve fucked at the end of such an afternoon.

Maybe this is just part of the process of change: little things shifting over time.  I don’t know.  I still am confounded as to why he wanted to spend any time with me today at all, let alone doing all that we did.  It was everything I would’ve wanted when we were dating, minus the “Hey, I’m gonna go do my own thing without you now for 8 hours” thing.

I’m thinking of doing something drastic and going on a 6-month dating hiatus.  That would be as close to a mid-life crisis as I could get.  I am turning 40 at the end of the summer, after all; I’m due.

Is there a “dump everyone” button I can press??  I’m feeling claustrophobic and anti-everyone.  I wish I had a million dollars because I’d go take a vacation on a mountain top overlooking an ocean right about now.

Happy Fourth of July, America.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

You Might Also Like

16 thoughts on “It’s like Groundhog Day.
  1. Oh, Hy! First and foremost big warm boob squishing hugs.

    I didn’t have a chance to respond to your last post before your day out with TN and what I wanted to say I think still applies, maybe even more so now. I think many people had the opinion that it was a mistake to go out with TN for the afternoon but I totally disagree.

    23 years ago my boyfriend broke up with me. According to him we were moving “to fast”, He wasn’t sure I was what he wanted. I was heart broken, devastated, sick to my stomach. I loved this man in a way I’ve never been able to articulate and knew he was the one. He didn’t know it though. We wanted to remain friends and we worked together so there was that torture to deal with every time I saw him

    Eventually, the awkwardness went away. We worked at being friends, we’d laugh, joke, even flirt. We started going out more than we ever did when we were dating and before long we got to know one another on a different level than we’d been able to back when we were busy fucking all the time.

    At some point he became my best friend and before long, because I’d left the door open my troubled, introvert, who is nothing like me, who doesn’t check off all my boxes, who I molded myself to become more like even if it meant sacrificing parts of me became my boyfriend again, and eventually husband.

    Now, I know my story isn’t your story and we all have choices we have to make in life that are best for us. Take the time you need for you but don’t close your door sweet woman you never know who will walk through it. Much love and hugs!! xo

  2. I think a dating hiatus is probably a good thing for you. It would give you time to figure out what you really want, aside from an 8″ warm dildo ;-)
    But only if, like in Groundhog day, you take advantage of it to really figure out who you are, that your worth lies in more than your body or your sex skills and that you ar allowed to listen to your guts and cancel a date if you don’t feel like it. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? That the guy doesn’t want to see you again? If he doesn’t understand that you are only human and get tired, then too bad for him, he doesn’t know what he’s missing! And if you get a less than stellar review of some kind on a dating site (I have no idea how these zwork, but it would make sense that word of mouth goes around), then who cares? If you’re tired, you’re better off not dating any how!
    Ok, that’s a very unorthodox view, I realise, from someone who has never done on-line dating. But my general opinion about computers and the Internet is that they’re here to help us, to serve us, not the other zqy round. The way you’re describing it, it sounds like you’re tired of feeling obliged to do something (dating). The good news is: you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to!

    Sorry; I’m rambling! Once again, it’s getting late here, I should shut the computer down and go to sleep. And hopefully tomorrow morning I don’t wake up in the same spot as this morning ;-)

    Good luck. You will find what you need and deserve. And it’s obvioulsy not M. Nerdy!
    XO
    Dawn D recently posted…30 day self-esteem challenge: day 30My Profile

    1. I should’ve said that if I had a million dollars of come and visit you. Could you imagine, Dawn?? I’d hug you and probably burst into tears of joy. You’re a light. xx Hy

      1. Hey, the good news is, it probably wouldn’t take a million dollars to come and visit me ;-)
        Oh yes, I could imagine! I’d probably burst into tears too, thinking you’re not just a name on a blog, but someone who actually cares! You could tell me all about your troubles dating (too many) and I could tell you all about my troubles (no one who wants my broken self)… And we could reassure one another that everything is fine and will be fine. :-)
        I think ‘Tis said something important: you need to keep your door open, whether for TN or for another man. You have to look at them as possibilities, not compare one to the other.
        But I know how hard it must be, having lived that perfect day with him, not to compare others to him!
        Please, just take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to listen to your gut instinct. If it’s telling you to stay home, then give yourself permission to cancel. You don’t owe these guys anything on a first or second date! And certainly not sex. I understand very well that sex is something that you also need, and that’s fine, if you want to. But you don’t have to!
        Ok, really going to bed this time :-)
        Dawn D recently posted…30 day self-esteem challenge: day 30My Profile

        1. I am definitely not “just a name on a blog,” I can assure you of that! And you’re right, Tis did say something important, I’m just not sure how I’ll do that door thingy.

          The other men I barely know won’t get any big pieces of me. Friday was a mild disaster, but I’ve moved on. I think he has, too considering I haven’t heard from him.

      1. I agree with all of you, but not necessarily the why of it. I need time to heal; I love myself quite a lot already and am content with me, too. I’m just desperate to be past this point and I can’t rush time. I need to practice patience more than anything and I think that will involve a lot less dating.

  3. I don’t comment here much, but I come here every day. So I’ll add my two cents. I’m older than you, have been married for 26 years, but many years ago I had a VERY bad break up. After six years together he just couldn’t be sure I was THE ONE. I threw myself into dating (aka screwing as many men as possible). I got off work at 3:30 every day, would meet a guy for drinks, then dump him and meet another for dinner, then wiggle out of that and meet a man at the local watering hole. I was running myself ragged being the social butterfly, all the while telling myself I was getting over him. It took me almost a year of this before I was worn out. I took a hiatus, too, and about a month into it realized what my problem was: I was terrified of being alone! The moral of my (very long) story is that I had to learn to be content with myself. I didn’t have to sleep with everyone I met, and drinking wine on my deck and reading a good book could be enjoyable. Don’t sell yourself short, Hy!

    1. Hi Catrina, thank you so much for your words and support and for reading allllll my bullshit!

      Yes, your old life definitely sounds familiar; the thing I can’t figure out is how to get my needs for socializing met while still getting enough rest. I”m not afraid of being alone, though I know it might seem like it. It’s more or less an extrovert issue (I need to be around others to recharge) and I don’t know how to do it. I am content with myself, truly, but my wiring is my wiring. Also — and this may be the real thing here — I’m desperate to get over TN. Truly desperate. This week I realized I need more time, so time is what I’ll give myself. A hiatus sounds divine.

      1. Aw *hugs* Hy! No amount of cocks will help you get over TN. Complete isolation FROM TN will help you. And even then it won’t do it. For whatever reason it seems like you find excuses or reasons to stick to him. And you won’t be able to begin to move on much less get over him if you don’t cut him off completely. Cold turkey is the way to go my friend. I hate sounding like a complete bitch :( especially when I know that if I were in your shoes I would be doing the exact same thing. Don’t hate me. As an extrovert don’t you have non heterosexual men you could recharge your batteries with? Girlfriends? Seems like you would be swimming in them. Chin up Hy.

  4. You’re doing well. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re listening to your own voice and eventually you’ll find your footing again.

    Breaks are nice. Enjoy yours. You’ll come back even stronger. Always place yourself first in line for love and nurturing. It’s not being selfish, it’s learning to live wisely for yourself and others.

    ~ Vista
    vicvista recently posted…The Problem with Denial is Denial.My Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


CommentLuv badge