Surprise! I’m not over him.

This weekend was hard.  Today has been hard.  Yesterday was hard.  Nice people keep checking in on me and asking how I’m doing and the answer is the same:  Eh.

I’m doing eh because my dumb ass finally — and just — realized that I’m still in love with The Neighbor.  I thought I wasn’t.  Truly.  I haven’t won the war.

I thought I’d taken enough time to catch my breath and pull my big girl pants back up from my ankles and march on.  I thought I had an open heart for new love.  But, I don’t.  Not even close.

Spending Saturday with him was so familiar, like old times, that it hit me on two fronts: one from the present and one from the past.  The one from the present reminded me of what I’m missing: the sex, a future with him, his company.  The one from the past reminds me that even when we were in a relationship I got no more than what I did 4 1/2 months after he dumped me, which made me sad for that old Hy.  I felt trapped in a loop.

I’ve spent a lot more time with him in the last week and a half than I have in months.   He came bowling with me and Peyton recently, stopped over another night to hang out for some reason, and then we were in more than usual texting contact leading up to his birthday.  It’s like I have a TN Hangover: I binged on him and now I’m paying for it.

I’ve deleted all my texting threads with men and Tinder off my phone.  I haven’t checked into AFF in a week because I can’t wrap my head around the idea of one more stupid fucking date.  Friday burned me and I’m avoiding the kitchen.

Realizing that I’m still in love with a man who secretly-not-so-secretly withdrew from me for months and then disengaged altogether without a fight because he’d decided I wasn’t the one for him is humbling.  I feel about as bright as an ant intent on her duty to get to the nest despite the river between her and it.

Ann sent me a link to a great article about being addicted to people and the highs they create in us.  A friend on Instagram emailed me a link about being addicted to seduction.  I keep getting little messages like pollen blown in from far away telling me to love myself and to “be content with you.”

I’m a conflation and paradox of all those things: I love the hunt, I’m seduced by the chase, yet I do love myself and am content.  I don’t need to be alone, I need to get my head on straight.  Being alone makes me go crazy, not because I hate myself or can’t stand me, but because the stillness of energy drains me as swiftly as removing the cork from the bottle.

So I am stuck in this breakup purgatory of being unfit for dating, but in need of contact.

Someone suggested I rely on my friends.

If only I could.

My friends are far flung and busy.  Gone are the days when we move in packs and come and go with revolving doors.  My friends are mothers and wives and workaholic singles.  I don’t have enough people in my life to fill the many gaps in my time; it’s why I got a dog.  He’s always up for an adventure or a cuddle.  Also, my friends can be real shits.  It happens.  They have priorities and many times it’s not me reaching out to say I need them.

The men left somewhere in the orbit of my life aren’t taking up any space at the moment.  I’ve switched the command to something akin to an alert system.  If they put out a signal, I see them, respond, and go back to dark.

I need to figure out how to get filled up with what little contact I get in a quiet week because I can’t spare one more ounce of effort to get more.  That’s how I’m going to heal: staying quiet and being open to the connections offered me and doing with less.

The other day I learned that my birthday in 1783 marked the end of the Revolutionary War.  The Neighbor’s birthday happens to be on the day it began.  We are bookends in history and like all stories, ours has an ending of its own.  It’s time for me to figure out life after the treaty.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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20 thoughts on “Surprise! I’m not over him.
  1. Oh Hy, I’m so sorry you feel this way but I’m not surprised you are not over him. I can’t get over a 3 month affair from last summer, never mind being in a full loving relationship. Gosh I feel for you.

    I do love this post because I see not being around people the same way…and friends, as much as we love them, sometimes are not the answer. I loved your analogy of the bottle and cork and just think it’s so amazingly accurate.

    The thing with dating and the sex is that it takes so long to really get just one truly rewarding experience that it becomes frustrating to keep putting yourself out there. But the more you are out there the more you can make contacts and possibly find the next “one”. When you’re ready…and you are so amazing that I’m sure he will find you when the time is right

    I have finally figured out how to reply/comment on your self hosted site (sometimes the blonde dye seeps in too far, I’m just no tech wizard) and I think I’ve got you in my inbox now instead if spam! Yay!

    1. Thanks, M. You’re spot on about the frustration of finding one that works and then losing it. Of course it’s a little more than that between me and TN, but I think this is a good thing for me to be going through. Better to have my eyes open and my mind honest than not, right?

      And honestly, I’m not sure how amazing I am. Real life people are a lot harder to impress than online ones. xx Hy

      1. You are amazing. If you don’t believe it, return to my words as often as required.
        YOU ARE AMAZING!

        If someone doesn’t seem to think so, it’s their bad, it’s that you weren’t meant to be together. But never doubt your value, please. I’ve been there, it’s not a good place to be!
        XO
        Dawn D recently posted…Ask a poly person…My Profile

  2. Oh my dear friend… I will fill you up as best I can (yes, innuendo fully intentional!).

    Deleted dudes from your phone is cathartic at some level… removing them from my chat list helps me forget they haven’t reached out (yes, we know of some recent examples). I liked the notion of “alert system”. Good call.

    Give that doggie a cuddle from me. xo
    Ann St. Vincent recently posted…The beating of my cervix. Then a slow fade.My Profile

    1. Haha Thanks, honey!

      I’ve deleted before and it is cathartic. I remember when I decided to take myself off the market because I couldn’t find anything better than TN. It was a glorious moment.

      I cuddled the shit out of the dog just like you said.

  3. I have read this on way too little sleep and want to comment this: It is very North American to think that there are only two options: dating or stay home.
    I get what you’re saying: you’re an extrovert who needs to be out and about, to be surrounded with people to feel recharged. Staying home by yourself drains you. But so does dating, and worst than that so does hanging out with TN.
    People (I am one of them) saying you need to be content with you don’t mean you should stay home by yourself. Simply because that’s not who you are. So obviously you’re not content with *that*.
    However, going to a bar doesn’t require you to have an appointment to meet a guy there. Yes, it’s less fun going alone to begin with, but it’s a great alternative to seeing your time/energy slowly wasted on a dating site (because, let’s face it, that’s the way it felt to you lately, isn’t it?).
    In other words: find things that you enjoy doing and go do them. You don’t need anyone to do them. No friends, no date. Just the will to go out.
    I don’t go out by myself because I don’t have any friends. I have plenty of friends, but like you, they are busy with different stages in their life, most married with children, they are not looking for available bachelors. I enjoy hanging out with them, but I can do that when my kids are with me. When I go out clubbing, I go by myself, because I want to be open to meeting new people. People I’m interested to see where things can go with. And depending on my mood and theirs, things can quickly move to the bedroom, or they can stay as friends, or even just people I know that make it feel less lonely to go out.
    But most importantly, I know that when I go out, I’ll have a good time. I don’t need anyone for that. I go out to do something I like (dancing, or karaoke) and that will be enough to have fun. If I meet new people along the way, then great. If I don’t… well, I still had fun. And I didn’t waste my energy on dating site that cost me a lot of money and bring me head- and heartache repeatedly in the form of mind games or feelings of rejection.
    Be content with you. Go out and do something you like. Go to readings, to gallery openings, to ‘paint a picture’ night. Whatever rocks your boat. Who knows, you may even meet someone interesting, but at least you’re not actively looking for them, you are only being open to when they find you. And the good thing is: you should have something in common when you do. ;-)
    Well, that’s the way I decided to approach being single. It works for me. At least for now. :-)
    Good luck Hy. You’ll find your way.
    HUGS!
    XO
    Dawn D recently posted…Ask a poly person…My Profile

    1. I hate saying “This” but yeah. Pretty much this. Work that charm of yours in the settings mentioned above.

      Ah TN. In terms of friendship what does he bring to the table besides the special connection and past you share? I’m interested in knowing what positives he brings to your life besides the butterflies in your stomach. Knowing you won’t cut him off completely is pretty much a give right? Is his presence worth the pain?

      1. Eh. haha I’m not much for running around alone. About the only thing I’d do alone is go horseback riding, but alas, that shit is expensive!

        Anyway, re: TN, who can say? I love the guy and I love spending time with him. I suspect with time it won’t be the case, but that’s just the nature of the beast. You’re right, I’m not interested in cutting things off completely, but I have made a deal with myself to not contact him again. If he contacts me, then ok. But I am going to try to increase my strength with this little thing first.

        1. Not much for running around alone… Maybe *that’s* what you need to be working on, rather than the list of guys who can take you out?
          Going somewhere alone shows you’re confident in who you are, in your ability to have a good time even when by yourself. That you don’t need a girlfriend or a man to have fun.
          *That’s* what we mean when we say ‘being content with yourself’.
          I think ;-)
          Dawn D recently posted…Ask a poly person…My Profile

        2. Yeah, I get it :(
          I guess the perplexing thing to me is why he doesn’t completely cut you off you know? He HAS to know that his presence causes you pain. He must see it in your eyes. He knows this and that’s what I don’t get. You probably don’t even know the answer but I see it as putting your beloved pet down. You’re doing the kind thing even if you love them, even if it kills you a little too. Maybe it’s cowardice? selfishness? I actually cut off my friendly relationship with my ex after reading about you and TN… I knew he was in love with me still, yet I kept agreeing to hang out. Dinner, breakfast, taking my puppy out. After I read one of your posts I realized I was being selfish. He deserved better.

    2. Ok, so I’ve been thinking about your comment all day long. I’ve considered doing everything you suggested, but it doesn’t work for me. My city isn’t that single-friendly (and I don’t mean relationship-status single, but a lone-person single). If I go to a bar alone I will sit at the bar alone all night. One time in my life have I struck up a chat with someone while alone; we had a nice tryst, actually (you can read about it here). Dancing alone isn’t done, either. It’s a young-person thing laden with booze to music I don’t dig.

      I’ve thought about volunteering, but my schedule is erratic and often under heavy deadlines which makes me wipe out any plans I have; plus having Peyton also limits my availability.

      I know I must sound stubborn and contrary, but I don’t mean to. It’s just that when I say I feel stuck, I really mean it. I wish there was an easy solution to my current state of mind, but I’m ok with it just being difficult right now.

      Good news, though! I’ve rejoined my beloved softball league and that starts tomorrow! I also spoke with my mom today and she’s agreed to babysit for me on the occasions I need help once the school year starts so I can keep going with it (I love it so much!). For now I’m going to focus on that and this blog — writing always brings me joy.

      Thanks for all your love and thoughtful words, Dawn. You’re amazing.

      1. I hear what you’re saying.
        My city (if you can call it that!) isn’t exactly designed for single, not very rich, women.
        When I go somewhere by myself, I don’t worry about the way people look at me. If some music comes on that I enjoy, I’ll get up and dance to it, even if I’m by myself on the dance floor. I go out there and sing, even if I don’t have the support of a bunch of friends behind me if I mess up. And when I sit there, I look at people around. Not trying to pick them up or to be picked up. No, I look at them and observe what they do, how they act towards one another, I make up stories in my mind about what they are doing…
        I think if you do something, anything, that you enjoy doing, repeatedly, you will end up seeing the same faces over and over again, and hen, without you even noticing, you become part of their experience at that place, and they start to smile at you when you walk in, say goodbye when you go, and slowly, you look forward to seeing them again, and it doesn’t feel like you’re completely alone next time you go.
        The trick is to give it time, to keep going to the same place, to become a regular. Someone the bartender knows, maybe.

        This said: good for you for signing up for the softball team. And I’m glad your mom realised this is something important for you and is willing to help with Peyton. This will give you something to forget that you’re sitting home alone. And that enough is a great thing!
        Not to mention that physical activity releases feel-good hormones :-)

        I hope you don’t think I’m being contrary either. I hear that you say you’re feeling stuck. I think that’s because you’re still in the grieving process. Things should start to feel better when you’re actually over your last relationship. I’m very hopeful!

        XXOO and more love coming your way!
        Dawn D recently posted…Ask a poly person…My Profile

  4. Yes, it’s going to take time to thoroughly get over TN. That’s sad and not fun, but it’s OK and you’re allowed to be sad. Part of that is grieving the loss of the relationship – you might find books on grieving to be helpful, even if they tend to be geared toward the death of a loved one (many of the principles are similar).

    I agree with Dawn – figure out what you enjoy and then go do that. (In the words of The Bad Advisor [thatbadadvice.tumblr.com], “Go learn to paint or some shit.” Meant kindly, despite the bluntness.) Bonus extrovert points if you can find a group of like-minded people to do your fun thing with. Self-care!

    Big squishy virtual hugs :-)
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…that was intenseMy Profile

  5. Oh Hy – nope, not surprised at all my friend.
    Heartbreak is devastating to say the least. You are crushed by feelings of disappointment, hurt, insecurity, anger and loneliness.
    Heartbreak takes us to a dark and unpleasant place – hopelessness.
    BUT, in the end –
    You will emerge from this, beautiful blonde head held high, like only a strong, intelligent and sexy woman can :)
    (((hugs))) and xxxx dear lady

  6. I know that during your wait-and-see time with TN, you stressed that he’s a good guy and discouraged anyone to say differently. But I, for one, thinks he’s playing with your emotions. He knew when he walked away that you’re still in love with him, and I think him spending any time at all with you strokes his ego. He knows you want him, so he keeps it friendly. Throw in an innuendo or six, and he’s having the time of his life. I would like to hear that you texted him to say that you’re moving on and any relationship with him right now isn’t what you’re interested in. It could very well picque his interest again, but I think this could all be a game for him. My ex invited me out after our break up, and I’m ashamed to admit that I felt like a giddy school girl. Imagine how I felt when he told me (in a restaurant full of people) that he just wanted to see me one more time to make sure he was ‘over’ me. Please don’t do to yourself what I did!

    1. I can’t begin to know, but I like to think of him in a positive light. He would never intentionally play with my emotions, though that doesn’t mean he isn’t by accident. I have control of that, I suppose, which is why I’m going to stay away for a while.

      I can’t believe your ex did that to you. What did you do??

      1. I met him at the restaurant and had my own car. So when he laid that on me I just said I was glad his experiment worked out for him and left. He also saw me in a parking lot once and invited me to lunch. When I declined he pulled an engagement ring out of his pocket and asked if I liked it. I said I did, then he said he was going to propose to his girlfriend, and my opinion meant a lot. WTF!! He’s been married a total of five times now, and still messages me on Facebook. I didn’t know it at the time, but I sure dodged a bullet!

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