He doesn’t want to date me.

The Russian called me last night.  I missed the call initially because I’d fallen asleep watching the cringe-inducing Iron Chef America.  “Who doesn’t fall asleep during that one?” he quipped when I called him back.

His voice was sweet to my ears, but I was tense.  It’d been a strange two weeks of texting between us since we’d met and he’d turned down my offers to talk on the phone.  A hangover hung on me like cheap perfume; I wasn’t prepared.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about us,” he began, “and the thing of it is, I don’t think we should take our relationship to the next level.  We can’t be lovers.  I’d like to be friends, though.”

I shook my head as if I hadn’t heard right.  “Ok…” I said.

“It’s too intense to be casual and too casual to be this intense.  I can’t unknow about your blog and it’s just too much.  It’s too much exposure; I don’t want to be a character.  I don’t want to do it.  I’m spending as much thought and energy on all of this as if we were in a committed relationship and that’s not what I want.”

Many more words were said.  I was keenly alert now, no vestiges of my night lingered.  “I need to be selfish,” he said.  “I choose me.”

I stammered that I understood.  He worried if I was ok, how I was feeling.  I felt vaguely punched, but only shared that I felt trapped.  “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”  This was my worst fear about the blog come true: that I would be rejected because of it.

He lamented with me, apologized again.  “I know this is the very thing you were afraid of happening and here I am doing it to you, but I just can’t help it.”

He said he didn’t want another intense and complicated relationship.  He was done with those.

Occasionally I felt tears well up in me, but I kept them at bay.  “I’m happy to be friends if you want,” he offered towards the end.  “When you’re up here for Labor Day you’re welcome to come over for a beer and hang with me and my friend.”  I told him I’d think about it knowing full well we’ll likely never speak again.

His words were well-formed and precise, my responses were bumbling and ill-formed.  I had known something was going on with him.  He’s a thinker, a thoughtful man and I took every pause in texts and new punctuation to mean something was going on over the past couple of weeks and I was right.

My blog, he said, is me and he would never ask me to stop.  I didn’t offer any solutions because it didn’t seem relevant.  He lives so far away, the mechanics of any kind of relationship with him were already complicated.  I was keeping an open mind and feeling my way through this new exposure.  He was safe, he was sexy.  That’s as far as I’d gotten.  Apparently, he’d gotten much further.

“I don’t want the burden of your secret, the double life.”

I sat on my couch as every word hit my eardrum.  I felt overwhelmingly sad, yet relieved.  I’d no longer be hurt by my texts being ignored, at least.

“Meeting you and liking you has been great, but it can’t go any further.”

I’ve always known that my blog could be a deal breaker for someone, I just didn’t expect it to happen.  It’s scary even for me, but I’ve chosen to take the risk.  For any man who gets involved with me he’d have to be comfortable with the level of exposure that could come if my cover were ever blown.  Don’t date me if you have a political career on your mind.  I’d ruin it just by association.

I’ve thought about the impact of this space on my life for years.  On the one hand it has provided me with a rich playground of creativity and connection.  On the other, I risk losing important people if it’s ever revealed — by me or by anyone else.

When I told The Neighbor, I was terrified.  I had been lying to him about what I did with my spare time for two years, I’d shared every intimate detail of our sex life.  He had every right to be angry, to leave me, to walk away.  But, he didn’t.  He was proud of me in a detached way and left me to it.  “Is it anonymous?”

“Yes.”

“Am I anonymous?”

“Yes.”

“Ok then.  I’m ok with it.”

It had been that simple.

With The Russian, even knowing I’d taken every measure possible to protect my identity, the very idea of that many eyes reading about him was too much.

When we hung up my eyes stung and my gut ached.  I had hoped for a different kind of ending.  He was intelligent, kind, introspective, sexy, and successful.  Being accepted by him would disprove the inner voice in me that says no one will want me if they  know everything about me.  Unfortunately, my worst fear has been proven correct.   I’m sorry, Hy.  I can’t do it.  It’s just too much.

Part of why I opened up to The Russian that night is because I’m tired of the double-life.  I’m proud of what I’ve done here and it’s a huge part of my life, yet I can’t share it.  It’s a difficult position to be in and my patience has petered out.  I need to search my soul about this: why now?

How do I manage this going forward?  I don’t want to find myself in another situation like I did with TN where I have years of lies under my belt, nor do I want to expose myself to a total stranger and hope he’s not a psychotic asshole who’ll rat me out — I got supremely lucky with The Russian.  What’s the middle ground?

Perhaps I tell everyone that I have a secret blog about my sex life, but won’t share any information about it until and unless we develop feelings for one another and decide to commit.  At least that way he’ll have been able to think about it and not feel blindsided.  I’ll tell him the size of my readership, the topics I cover, etc., but keep the URL and names out of it.  I just don’t know.

I’m missing TN tonight because he was safe and he accepted me.  I have to remind myself that he also never wanted me despite it all.  I found an old post where he said, verbatim, what he told me in January, “You’re not the right person for me.”  It’s been nearly a month since we spoke last.  It’ll be exactly one month on my birthday next week.  I don’t expect to hear from him.  In fact, I don’t expect to hear from anyone.

I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m worried I’ve wrecked my chances for love because of my need to be Hy.  I’m sad to miss out on a man like The Russian, but relieved that he let me off the hook as he did, with kindness and like a grown man.

Maybe I’ll meet another one like him, but one who is also willing to take the risk to be with me.  I won’t be Hy forever after all.

34 thoughts on “He doesn’t want to date me.

  1. It’s difficult being you, being honest while still keeping a secret. I tell guys right off the bat that I have a blog. I usually say it’s an adult blog and answer any questions they have. Sometimes I will give them the url but not always. It’s easier for me I guess because I am known as Stella rather than by my real name in some circles. It’s easier to just let everything out to that group and then divulge my real identity when it gets to that point. So far there’s only been one guy who has had issue with it, and one who wanted to date me specifically because of it. I’m lucky to have people in my life now who support my choices and my blogging. You will find the one and as you said, you won’t be Hyacinth for ever.
    Stella recently posted…What would you do?My Profile

    • I don’t think not telling The Russian would have changed anything, but it seems like admitting a blog exists might be my best bet. I don’t lead with my pseudonym, but I wish I could! Sort of. Ugh! It’s complicated. I’m equally proud of my career as I am my blog, so I don’t want to hide either one. Anyway, I’m rambling now.

  2. Honey, I’m so sorry it ended up this way., but I do think it’s worth continuing to try to find someone who can accept all of your (amazing) facets. He’s out there. I’ve found one who seems to be okay with mine, and I didn’t think it could happen either… so I’ve got the faith for both of us right now.

    xo
    Ann St. Vincent recently posted…How do we know if we are ready?My Profile

    • Everyone keeps saying there’s someone out there for me and to not lose hope. I get it, it’s seems like it’s likely, but I have done A LOT of looking and come up with nil this far. Thanks for listening to all my whining. xx Hy

  3. I’m sorry to hear how things ended Hy. He may have checked off a lot of things on your list, but this time he just wasn’t the one. I wish you the best in your search and know there is someone out there that will appreciate your creativity. xxx
    Scarlett Dubois recently posted…This is my placeMy Profile

  4. I think your compromising attitude of sharing that you have a blog, but not giving out the details, is smart for a beginning relationship. No secrets or lies, but not full disclosure.

    My sister and I decided to share our blog publicly on Fetlife (kink social media site) so all the new people that I meet know of the blog. It’s been a bit disconcerting because a few people have read, commented, know some incredibly intimate details..and they know me.

    Hope you find a comfortable middle ground. And I’m glad he called you and handled it in a mature way.
    Cammies on the Floor recently posted…This is hot becauseMy Profile

    • Wow, you ladies are brave putting the URL out there! Is it also liberating? I’d love to have both sides of me coexist in public, but Hy would really infringe on my professional life. People might want to do business with me because of her and that’s not cool. FL is a pretty accepting and discreet place, though, so I’m sure those folks will treat the info (and you) with the respect you deserve.

      I’m glad he called too.

  5. I ran into the same problem when I told the Hunter. The blog came out during a disagreement, so he didn’t take it well at first. Then when I read it to him he could see it for what it is — my online diary. It’s where we can express ourselves fully and with a degree of privacy. He sort of knows the URL but he doesn’t go looking for it, but prefers that I read the posts to him so we can discuss them.

    My point in all that is that although the Russian sounds lovely, he wasn’t for you. He used the blog as an excuse. To me, it seemed like he didn’t like the lack of control and that’s not good either. You will find the right man who understands you and respects your desire to blog and take some of the most beautiful photos I have ever seen. Please just take this time to enjoy reconnecting with yourself and friends. You are a very special woman, so it will take a special man to appreciate all you have to offer.

    ((Hugs))
    MaggieMayat50 recently posted…I’ll Make Love to YouMy Profile

    • I couldn’t say with any certainty what it was about the blog that turned him off. It could be a multitude of things beyond what he already shared.

      It’s funny because now, after nearly 9 months post break up I’m finally ready to be very alone. So yeah, I’m in the beginning phases of a giant dating break for sure.

  6. Hy, I have to comment on this post….To be upfront about it, he wasn’t right for you. While I met Kayla through her blog I accept it..I accept ALL of who she is. I also knew that being a part of her life she would be writing about me. It doesn’t bother me, it is part of what I love about her. There will come a time you will find a man who accepts you for all of the things you are blog included.

    As for telling someone about your blog..yes you should. While maybe the first or second date may not be the appropriate time it is still something that needs to be put on the table.
    Your blog is a deep part of who you are, not telling someone about it would be like having a fetish or kink that means a lot to you and not telling a prospective partner.

    If they truly care about you..all of you…they will accept this part of you as well.
    southernsir recently posted…Breaking My SilenceMy Profile

    • Your analogy of the blog to a fetish or kink is so true. Don’t laugh, but I was thinking it also felt a lot like hiding the fact that I grow a tail when wet (I LOVED Splash as a girl, what can I say? Lol). I can’t keep it hidden forever.

      Thanks for your kind words and support, John. xx Hy

  7. I’m sorry Hy. Things looked good, but…
    This is something I was fearing actually, when I didn’t read from him here for the past two weeks. I’m really sorry I was right.
    As for the blog, I think it is a good idea to let them know soon of its existence, but I wouldn’t give out the URL until a much later time.
    I think printing or copying posts into text/word files and sending those can be a good solution if you/they want to read about it, to give themselves an idea of what it is you write, how you write, what you write about. Reassure them that you are careful with anonymity and so on…
    Take heart. The right guy is somewhere out there for you.
    Sending you hugs. Big ones.
    XOXO
    Dawn D recently posted…I’m scared.My Profile

    • Yeah, you were on the money there, Dawn.

      I wouldn’t be comfortable sending them text of my posts, though, because you can Google the text and it will match them to the post. And BAM, URL is now known. But I get your point: some disclosure, but by all until it’s truly safe to do so.

      Thanks for the big hugs. They feel awesome. 🙂

      • Ah, yes, I forgot about that slight problem. See, my blog is hidden from search engines, so I can do that safely (I checked 😉 ).
        More hugs coming your way then. Rejection sucks. But I think you’ve come a long way in these past 9 months. You have now acquired more self-respect than you had before (namely, you don’t feel like a date is bad just because you don’t have sex, and you know that you deserve to be pursued, because you truly do).
        I also thought about something. Why do you say you won’t be Hy forever? Whether you close your blog or not, that part of you will still be there, the woman who supports her fellow bloggers/friends, who likes to put up pictures of herself up, who thinks women are entitled to a great sex life… She’ll always exist! She may find different ways of expressing it, but she is you, too…

        HUGS!!!

  8. I’m so sorry to hear you had to go through this.

    I think you have mentioned the solution already. I know I’m in a different situation since I’m married and my Husband knows all about my blog. But, I have grown kids and a mom, brother, etc. and I just told them what I do. At my work they know too. They know of the nature of my blog and my writing. The only thing I never tell anyone is the url to my blog. And I never will. If they see my blog, it will because they stumble across it or they went out searching for it. I answer questions about my blog, but always avoid mentioning the name or the URL.

    Yes, tell them about your blog (maybe not rightaway though) because it is part of who you are. That’s one of the main reasons why I told them – as it’s a huge part of me and I didn’t want to hide it. They all accepted it. Not all of them are happy with it, but they are respectful enough to have accepted it. They know I am still me and that the fact that I write about sex doesn’t define who I am.

    I hope you find a middle road for yourself, Hy, and that you don’t have to go through this kinda thing again.

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…ClawingMy Profile

    • Thanks for the kind words, Rebel, I really appreciate them. I like to think f myself as such an open book, but the truth is I’m a deeply private person that has a hard time opening up to people in my life. You all see Hy, my real life friends see that woman. They never cross except for those rare occasions when I meet someone from the blog and even then I think I’ve been relatively slow to open up to them (you’d have to ask them).

      I’m impressed that you’ve taken the leap to braid your two selves together and in such an unapologetic way. It’s good to see examples of successful “coming out” stories. xx Hy

  9. I hate conversations where the other person has had days or weeks to practice what they want to say and it seems as if they are inflicting it upon you. Particularly when you don’t get to give any input into a decision that affects you. It isn’t fair or kind. I think you’re being generous by saying that the man didn’t hurt you as much as he could have. From reading this blog I can tell you have a huge heart, you’re so ready to do whatever it would take to make things work and it seems like no one is willing to meet you halfway. Or even 40 percent of the way.

    I feel indignant on your behalf. You’re beautiful, caring, mature and you have a life of your own. What in the world are people looking for?! I hope L wish on stars and white horses you find someone to take care of you and love you the way you’ve always needed and never quite gotten. You DO deserve it. It’s this disappointing world that is letting you down.

    So many hugs,

    a.

    • I totally agree on the conversation bit, where they had weeks to rehearse and you are gutted.
      But I wonder… maybe it’s because she is so willing to ‘make things work’ that makes things *not* work. I know, it’s a silly idea, but I’ve been reading a lot of dating advice (on blog and elsewhere. I know, hardly the best reference, but hey, I too am wondering when I’ll meet mister right!). All seems to say: be you. Live your life. That’s what attracts men, that you are not dependent on them, that you can stand up on your own. I know, I know, hard to do when it’s in your nature, and not all men are like this, but maybe there is some truth to it? Maybe we *do* need to stop looking for a relationship, hoping against all hope that, maybe, this one will work out, and instead try to stay open to the idea of a relationship, but live in the mean time?
      I don’t know, it’s just crazy thoughts going through my head, triggered by your comment. I don’t want to offend or hurt anyone, apologise if my words did.

      But I agree with you: Hy is a beautiful, caring, creative, intelligent woman. who also likes sex. What’s not to like? She deserves a man who will see her for all this and more.
      We all do 🙂

      • Well said! I think it’s threatening to men after the first few months to be with very sexual women, though. They want to hear about our sexual escapades, then it unnerves and imasculates them when they aren’t confident about themselves. Or they ARE confident and aren’t committed.

        Being deceptive is stifling.

        I also read your blog, Dawn, and I enjoy it a lot. You and Hy keep me company on many boring days!!!

        • I think some men are quite happy to find a woman who is willing to try many things. But you are right, they have to be confident in themselves.

          Being deceptive is stifling, but I think the worst deception is to ourselves 🙂

          And I’m glad you enjoy my blog! 🙂
          Dawn D recently posted…Last night’s magicMy Profile

  10. So many wise words written in comments and in your post. Just wanted to express my sympathy, and if I could just buy you a glass or two of wine and go out dancing to give you a mind a night off. Or maybe go to a Boxercise class together and work it out that way?
    Humbly Twiglet x

  11. Aw Hy! I hope he’s reading this. Because what he said was total BULLSHIT. OMG. I will give it to him though, very useful excuse to not see you again. He didn’t want to say what the real reason was. I hate when guys do that. They try to soften the blow but they end up confusing us in the long run. Whatever. The blog would have 0 impact on his life. Zero. Don’t feel bad about his reasons. Don’t even think twice about your blog. It’s beautiful, raw, honest writing. We don’t even know your real first name. Don’t let him make you feel weird about your work of art.

  12. Having a sex blog and having relationships is like being the crew of Star Trek. Your mission is to explore strange new worlds, your prime directive is not to change them through contact. Well, exploration involves contact and contact involves change. In a similar way, once you tell someone about your blog, then you’ve just changed the dynamic of the entire relationship. But if you don’t tell them, you are hiding a crucial part of who you are and run the risk of being accused of dishonesty or worse. I’m sorry to hear about this. I say, your writing is your fucking business. Your fucking is your writing. Let them go to hell and take your secret to your grave with you. No guilt.
    H.H. recently posted…Heaven & HellMy Profile

  13. It sucks when people reject the “real” you. It makes being honest a chore. It’s a fear of mine to a degree, but my sex like isn’t vast enough to worry about the secretness of my blog. Honestly though it’s on the person pushing you away if they leave. Because that means they can’t handle you and no one has time for that bullshit. I’d take you to shake it off, but you have every right to be upset. Own it, let it make you cry for a hot minute, and then power on! You’re too fierce to do anything else.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…I like my porn with colorMy Profile

  14. Sorry if I’m repeating anything that was allready said but I guess if it’s a repeat, in a way, that’s a good thing (havne’t read the other comments yet). Two things: 1: He said he needed to be selfish so BINGO not meant to be in a relationship…glad he was honest though 2: “No longer be hurt” by him ignoring your texts…save yourself future pain with other guys…if you are ignored, MOVE ON right away. We deserve someone who doesn’t ignore us!!!! Oh, and do like the idea for futre guys just mentioning you are a blogger…

  15. I’m sorry this didn’t work out. Hugs to you.

    You are worthy of love, and there are lots of loveable things about you. For you to know that about yourself is very important, but unfortunately it’s not a complete recipe for finding a mate. Something I read today: “If you put yourself out there honestly, then you’re likely to reach someone who honestly wants you – whereas if you’re dishonest, all you’ll catch is someone who wants somebody else, which won’t do you any good at all.”

    I would send Eros to you if I could.
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…my reading list on sex and sexualityMy Profile

  16. Oh I feel for you! I totally understand those churning emotions, but my gut feeling is – in general – that someone who is a good fit will accept all parts of you, blog and all. I tend to think that if anything ‘external,’ as it were, can get in the way, it’s actually a symptom of it not being right rather than the cause. I hope that makes some sense!
    Claire recently posted…I’ve discovered I’m one of those radical feministsMy Profile

  17. I don’t see this as a rejection of you at all. It sounds like he doesn’t want to be in a serious/intense/long distance relationship (because of HIS baggage) and that knowing you are writing about him, despite anonymity, makes him uncomfortable. It doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with how much he likes you or is attracted to you (which from your previous posts seemed like a lot).

    Regarding the blog, I personally wouldn’t tell any men. Just like I wouldn’t tell them I keep a personal diary. I think you do a good job of protecting their anonymity. But if you do want to share, I would do so in the broadest terms. It’s just not anyone’s business in my opinion. It’s not like you’re writing a tell-all memoir and using real names.

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