There was an unexpected end.

I’ve never done a Wicked Wednesday before not because I haven’t loved the idea, but because I’m not an organized blogger.  I can barely keep it together for my own meme and I think I only participate in Sinful Sunday about once every 6 weeks or so — again, same fucking problem: disorganized — but as I saw this week’s prompt and posts roll in I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The prompt reads:

End of what? A story? A relationship? End of a project? Or maybe the end of a movie, or a song, or a holiday? Tell us about “the end” – a happy one, a sad one, a funny one. Share your “ends” for Wicked Wednesday.

::

My life this year as a single person has been filled with ends.  Ends of week-long courtships, of interminable dates, of a 3-year love affair, of nights with clouds of semen sprayed in the space between us like little gloppy paratroopers.

The other night was the end of The Soldier.  He stood me up and disappeared into the black void of non-communiqué.  Drunk and supremely disappointed I texted David, the fireman.

He towered in my doorway and then he towered inside of me.  He hooked his fingers into my body and made me weep around him like a faucet.  He rammed into me like he was angry at me and I hit back with all my might.  His body blocked out the candlelight and he growled in my ear, his words as punishing as his hips.  I trembled my finish and my chest heaved with sobs of release and sadness.  I didn’t want it to be this man.  It was supposed to be The Soldier.  I wasn’t prepared.

I had planned on tracing his tattoos with my fingertips, my hot, wet tongue.  I had planned on relearning my body around his.  I had planned on becoming friends.  I had planned on kicking his ass at dominoes.  However, before it even began, it ended and with a crescendo of confusion and hurt feelings.

I also ended the reel where I pretend I don’t care about being mistreated.  Late at night — lo, early in the morning — limp from [mis]use by the giant fireman I checked my phone one last time.  Still nothing.

So I guess you don’t give a shit about me.

Super glad that I arranged my entire day around meeting up with you tonight.

I don’t get it.  I thought you liked me…

(pissy emojis)

I’m actually super sad (super sad emojis)

I broke character that night in order to admit I wasn’t the sex robot I appear to be.  I’m a person who has expectations.  Low ones half the time, but expectations nonetheless.   Like showing up when you say you will or, at the very least, letting me know that something’s changed for you and it can’t happen, or never will again.  It’s all good.  I’m actually more like a robot in that way than you might imagine.  I have a program for communication and understanding; I resort to full on reactionary human, however, when I am disregarded.  I think it’s a pretty good new start to things.

I’d like to say that this is the end of all the bullshit, but I reckon it’s somewhere in the beginning to middle of a long brown streak of shit in my life until I settle down.  The threat of harm from indecent, ignorant, or otherwise incapable people is always there, but when you deliberately — and unknowingly — put yourself directly in their path, well, you know: shit happens.

Saturday night was the end of one particular story line in my life, a continuation of another I thought had ended.  As many endings as I’ve experienced the past 10 months I’m not entirely convinced they’re all true.  People reemerge, they change, they soften.  Sometimes, my resolve is weak.

I wish I could say I want the endings to stop, but that’s not true.  As tiresome and hurtful as some are, others are equally hilarious and enlightening.  Like the fella on Tinder today who unmatched me when I said that in addition to no strings sex, I’d also like to be able to enjoy a beer with my lover.  I’d say that end afforded me to dodge a bullet.  Thanks for that, Jordan, 30.  4 miles from you.

Then there are the endings at the end of a cock, the ones which keep me warm at night.  The kinds where I shiver and cum streams upon us both and he quivers with climax and holds me close.  The kinds when our hot mouths part and the heady spell dissipates into pressed, smiling lips and crinkled eyes.  And the kinds that were high, kept above the fray of tangled feelings and left alone on the perch of fond memory.  The kinds of ends that remind me of why I persist with the beginnings.

 

wicked wednesday

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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31 thoughts on “There was an unexpected end.
  1. Sigh! Sorry about that end. It sounds like you were blinsided and it sucks.
    But… I’m proud of you, if I may say. You realised you are worth more than being mistreated like this. And it makes me happy.
    Because you are, Hy. Worth so much more.
    You are a pearl hidden in the midst of online dating sites. If Jordan couldn’t see that? Too bad for him!
    Dawn D recently posted…FlirtingMy Profile

  2. “The kinds of ends that remind me of why I persist with the beginnings.”

    Perfectly perceptive and beautifully written.

    You are such an intriguing woman, Ms. Hy.

  3. It’s hard to be a robot in the face of rejection by someone you connected with. A delicate balance, perhaps, to being closed and cynical (not that those are two works I think of when I think of you) and opening yourself up to possibility.

    With risk, comes reward. It also brings a lot of shit to deal with, and you’ve definitely had a long smear of shit lately.

    At least you have some upcoming travel to look forward to?

    Ann xo
    Ann St. Vincent recently posted…When a threesome is me, him, and a…My Profile

  4. *hugs*
    My first thoughts while reading this one:

    “Asshole.”
    I despise guys who disrespect a decent Lady. Doesn’t take half a minute to at least text an apology, or even a cheap excuse.. but preferably an apology. Dammit.

    “What if he was suddenly *called*?”
    He’s a Soldier, right? Soldiers would be off in a flash, possibly the middle of the night, with nary a word to anyone…

    “Ends. Hmm. End of Weds, gone. End of Thurs, coming. That means BOOBDAY next – are you ready? :p
    ;)

    “Too bad about The Soldier.”
    Everything ends sometime.
    Count your losses, Treasure your Blessings, take with you the Lessons..

    If I may be so bold, dear Hy:
    Yes, “shit happens”, and yes, I’ve been reading, and sympathise w as much as you’ve gone through (& shared w us all); yet I still wish to enjoin you to focus more on the Positives, everywhere, than on the negatives…

    They say you attract more of what you focus on; perhaps The Soldier’s sudden disappearance is (“destined” to be) GOOD for you, perhaps the short experience w him was simply the Universe reminding you that there ARE and WILL BE other great experiences – however short – with decent men beyond TN (sorry, reminder..) … ESPECIALLY within the context YOU SET for yourself / your life:
    “no strings sex”..!

    The more I read, the more I learn about your Heart; the sex is great, but seems to me your Heart yearns for “strings”, so in my mind I wonder if your parameters need further adjustment..?

    You’d be surprised – we’re about the same age. *hugs*
    Chin up, Hy; you’re stronger than you know, and more resilient than you may think; plus you’ve a wisdom which arms you against harm from idiots who aren’t worth your time — look on the bright side, chick: your Future is as Rosy as YOU choose to make it.
    So have at it.

    Best,
    Chris.. x

    1. He wasn’t called. He’s not active duty. He’s a full-time dad.

      In regards to “the ends” it was the prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday. Ends are great, ends are sad. Ends are part of life. I don’t think this post came off as morose, did it??

      Thanks for the thoughtful note, Chris. xx Hy

    1. Endings are required for movement forward, no? And yes, I will definitely participate again! Maybe not every week, but positively will again!

      BTW, when you speak Dutch on Twitter, it’s super hot lol. I speak all the languages my parents spoke: English. It’s a sad state of affairs.

  5. This is a great post Hy, shitty news about the soldier though. In saying that, there’s something a little different here, a shift. It feels positive. Endings do teach us, things of ourselves & others. & I like the idea of new beginnings. :)

  6. Oh you are so right, sometimes you have to take a moment and remember the joy, the peace and togetherness that comes from moments when it is just right because striving for that is worth all the endings.

    Mollyxxx
    Molly recently posted…Terrifyingly closeMy Profile

  7. Just want to echo everyone’s thoughts, what a pity and silly way to end something with potential by the soldier… and endings are hard but I think we learn something about ourselves in those moments too…

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