I have fallen in and out of love with myself a dozen times.

I’ve been struggling with body dysmorphia this week because I missed a birth control pill.  One stupid little missed pill — which was quickly made up for — has thrown me into a chaotic, emotional pit of self-disdain and complete confusion.

On the one hand, my heavy breasts please me, on the other the crease in my waist disgusts me.

On the one hand, my soft, athletic body titillates me, on the other I wish I could shrink it.

So today as I thought about taking pictures in the morning light — a treat I haven’t had the pleasure of in far too long — I plotted ways to hide from you all.  And then as quickly as the thought came I forced it out.  Home girl don’t play like that.

I lay on my bed and smooshed my breasts together and held the camera from above.  I was pleased at how my form looked, round and inviting.  I got up and thought I might try using my timer.


I have fallen in and out of love with myself a dozen times this week.

I have fallen in and out of love with myself a dozen times this week.

As I set the phone on my dresser I was taken with the simplicity of my form, the mundane activity I viewed as I prepped the position.  I moved to redress and stopped.  There was an image I had never seen: me just being me, a person getting dressed, not posing, not trying to be sexy.

I let the camera’s timer do the rest and I forgot all about the crease in my waist.  Fuck that awful voice in my head.  Just FUCK IT.

Hy gets dressed 1

Hy gets dressed 2

Hy gets dressed 3

Now I’m going to go make some bacon and black coffee on this bright Sunday morning and cuddle with my little one.  I have a lot to be thankful for, including this strong, unique body that never lets me down.  Crease and all.


Click the lips to see who else is playing along for Sinful Sunday!

Sinful Sunday




76 thoughts on “I have fallen in and out of love with myself a dozen times.

  1. I think it is just in our nature to pick ourselves apart. We never seem to see the entire picture, and the entire picture of you both inside and out are beautiful. Put the stick you beat yourself with aside and enjoy you….in all of your perfection.

    • It’s good advice and reflection, for sure. I like to say to my friends who voice their ugly inner dialogue, “Hey! Don’t talk about my friend like that!” and I try to apply it to myself, as well. I’d never let anyone speak to me the way my inner voice does sometimes.

    • I agree with the scales. My mood is usually high in the morning (when we’re all taller and thinner lol) and depending on my day and how I treat myself throughout it I will have a certain kind of body night. Typically, I’m in a pretty decent mood, all things considered.

  2. I can relate to this post, unfortunately. I too have fallen in and out of love with my body a lot in the past few weeks. Lack of positive reinforcement, maybe?
    It came particularly true yesterday, when I tried on a dress I’ve had for a while (I mean, what are 15 years, really?). Of course, my body’s changed quite a bit in all these years (a few pregnancies tend to do that to you, I hear. Not to mention the crappy marriage and ensuing depression). Still, instead of being happy that I still looked more than Ok in the dress, I couldn’t help but focus on the negative things I saw in the mirror. :-/
    Oh well, I’m sure we’ll get back to loving our bodies. Keeping in mind that they serve us well most of the time is probably going to help too 😉
    Sending love your way! XO
    Dawn D recently posted…Thank You for the poetryMy Profile

  3. Missing a pill can really fuck with you, can’t it?

    Adore your images – you look so very, very lovely. Yourself. Beautiful.

    xx Dee

  4. I totally get this… I fall in and out of love with my body ALL the friggin time. I wish I could hold onto the love a bit more though, at the moment I feel just too big which makes me sad but then moments later, like you, I think it is all perfect at it is all mine and brings me and him great pleasure and joy

    Molly recently posted…ScentedMy Profile

  5. Beautiful photography. The dressing poses were captured eloquently displaying the beauty of your breasts. You need be displeased with your body because it is titillating and gorgeous to view.
    Keep up the good photography.

    • Thankfully, it was a hormonal thing (missing a birth control pill wreaks havoc on a body and mind!) and I’m back to feeling spry. THANK GOD! And I agree with you 100%!

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