You have a new girlfriend. Good for fucking you.

I don’t know who the biggest asshole is here.  Me or you.

I thought about this post as I was driving home, cigarette hanging out the window, my jacket zipped up and my breath filling the cabin of my car.

I haven’t written a post like this in too long.  I’ve been measured, even, fair.  Tonight, I am returning to the point of this blog: it is my space to feel.  I owe no one a thing.  You don’t read me; you never did.

I want to send this post to you, from Hyacinth Jones, not me, not “JB,” the woman you nicknamed and kept on the hook from day one, not the woman who loved you and needed you and sacrificed her own better judgment to trust you.  No, you don’t get to ever hear from her again.  She’s fucking dead to you.  She might even be dead to me.

I want you to see an email from Hyacinth and for your stomach to clench.  I don’t give two shits if you ever open it, just knowing you saw my name would be enough.

I’ve already left the brown paper bag filled with your things after you brought that woman, your girlfriend, to my gym class.  I thought I was unreachable, but I was wrong.  You’ve touched me again, goddamnit.

Tonight I was with Hannah, the girl we played softball with who used to dry hump your leg for kicks, and I was telling her the gym story, the story of your colossal insensitivity.  “He looks too pale, washed out,” I told her.  “Not to be mean or anything, it’s just true!”  I always loved you with a beard.

We laughed, like assholes.  Oh, what assholes!

“I’m still friends with him on Facebook,” she said.  “Lemme see if he’s posted any new pics.”

I agreed that was a fine idea; you hate social media.  I’d been banned from tagging you in anything.  There’d be nothing to see.

She pulled you up and froze.

I took the phone from her and there you were with your arm around the woman from the gym.  Smiling, so happy.  Her caption read:

“Thanks for inviting us to your special day!”

So you attended a wedding with her.  I remember the wedding you were in two summers ago.  The one I was excluded from attending with you.

Another picture of you two at a skeeball competition.  “I don’t like going out late,” I remembered you saying.

And then there were the pictures of you in your Captain America costume and she was a Brownie.  “He’s the best guy,” her note claimed.

Lastly, the one that really twisted into my core, the pic of you holding her close and planting a big, smiling kiss on her cheek.  I read the comments as my friend kept saying, “Put the phone down, don’t look!”

I couldn’t stop.  My heart was still, my guts frozen, my breath even.

The comments were cute and then there was yours.  “What a lucky guy,” it read.

You were at a popular concert venue that I wasn’t even aware you knew existed.  Certainly had I suggested going you would have said, “No thanks!” as usual.

Work dinners, workout photos, everything I ever wanted you to do with me was there in photographic evidence with a pale, brunette, smaller busted version of me. Her smile soft, her arms toned.

You are an awful fucking person to never let me go despite my attempts to end things with you, a man who told me repeatedly he didn’t want to be with me, that I was the wrong person, and I am the Queen of Fucking Masochists for somehow believing that your actions spoke louder than your goddamned words.

Lies, all lies, TN. 

You are a piece of shit and I wish more than anything you could know the depths of the pain you have caused me all these years, the pain you still cause me.

I trusted you when you deserved none of it.  You followed me everywhere, cried every time I tried to protect myself and end our fucked up, lopsided relationship.

Three weeks before you planted that kiss on her plain, pale cheek you were crying in my living room because I was ending our friendship to save myself.

“I’ll support you no matter what, but I wish this didn’t have to happen.”

You were already burying your giant cock into this woman by then.  Deeply, with power, with — dare I say it — love?  You were already looking into her brown eyes and forgetting my blue. What is wrong with you that you could never let me go?  That you could never give me what I needed to heal?  To separate myself from you?

“I don’t want to date anyone, Hy, I swear.  Those women are just middle aged ladies from my workout group.  They’re no one.”  Oh really, TN?? This one has attracted your cock and captured your heart apparently.

You are a deceitful, awful man.

Can I print this out and plaster your fancy black car with it?  Can I vomit my pain into the ether and will you smell it?

I see you’re still on AFF.  Nice.  At least you continue to deceive and dally with others even when it’s not me.  Did you like checking out my profile in late September after we weren’t friends [update]two days ago tonight??  I hope you remembered how I felt around you, how I tasted when you dipped your mouth to mine and how I’d weep with pleasure as you slammed your hips against my soft, white thighs.

Her name sounds a lot like mine.  Do you think of me whenever you say it?  Every time you see her smile do you think of me smiling at you while you broke my heart?

The saddest part of all of this is that you were a step up from my husband; I feel irreparably damaged by my own history and choices.  I knew — I knew — this was wrong form the very start.  Now I have to stop the bleeding, I have to halt the self recriminations.  I did what I thought was right, right??  Or maybe I’m just so stupid I deserved your fucked up, stunted self.

You have every right to move on and love and all the flowers-out-your-ass bullshit, but I don’t think you deserve any of it.  Not one fucking ounce.  You were cruel to me, TN.  Motherfucking cruel.  And selfish to the core.  You loved me and you needed me, but more than anything else, you need to not be a bad guy so you lied and hid and kept the things I needed to leave you to yourself.  Then and even now.

At least you unfriended me on Facebook despite me leaving it over a year ago.  One decent thing out of hundreds of shady, selfish ones.

When you got angry at me for ending our friendship you looked at me, tears streaming down your face, eyes red and raw and I thought, “What the fuck does he want from me?!”  That was your opportunity to say, Hy, you’re right.  I’m moving on and so should you.  Instead you did everything in your power to stop me and to make it as painful as humanly possible, but I prevailed and I left you. Finally.

But still: fuck you, fuck her, fuck everything and everyone.

Fuck this fucking shit.

And again: fuck you.

 
[Ed. Note: It’s occurred to me since writing this that he couldn’t have unfriended me if I was deactivated.]

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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35 thoughts on “You have a new girlfriend. Good for fucking you.
  1. This makes me think of the Alanis Morrisett song You Oughta Know. I’m singing it in my head as I type this. “Did you forget about me, Mr Duplicity?”

    He’s an asshole. You deserve to be angry about this. We don’t let ourselves be angry, but sadness seems to pervade everything. I find anger simpler. I’ve been tamping it down myself over the last break up and I don’t even have the history you have.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…In an effort to find myselfMy Profile

    1. Wow, I hadn’t noticed that, but you’re totally right. I’m already feeling apologetic about this post, but know I need to leave it up. I have to. Must. Stay. Strong. Anger is good. xx Hy

  2. WHAT A FUCKING BASTARD! I am feeling your pain and your anger. I have been through this so I know. My ex did much the same. I have never been able to understand how someone can deceive like this. My only conclusion is that there.is an innate selfishness. They always come off as kind, helpful, and generous, but it’s a front.to cover up their shit.

    1. This is like the never ending breakup. The entire year has been spent reliving his rejection and finally fully rejecting him. I’m fucking exhausted and he can go to hell with his smiling, happy pictures.

  3. When all else fails : rant, swear and throw an almighty tantrum!!
    Now, go and have some wine and enjoy your weekend 🙂 xxx

  4. It’s hard to to let yourself be angry when you still have feelings for the person who hurt you. Especially when you’ve got such a big heart like you do, love. But I’m glad you got this all out. You should leave it up. It’s cathartic. It’s good to drag it out of you and onto the page.

    With that being said… I love you. I hope this turns out to be a pseudo positive experience, insomuch that it burns away the last little remnants that may have remained–that almost always remain after a breakup with someone you really love.

    Xoxo

  5. Yep fuck him. Add a few more expletives. Insensitive git. More expletives. Glad you’ve got better different options now.
    Hugs and chocolate and a giant work out session too or clubbing and then gin
    Humbly tiggersub.

  6. Embrace the anger — it’s healthy for you to get this all out so it cannot fester. Then move on. He’s an emotionally immature guy and you deserve better. Hugs. Thank you for sharing all that emotion — only a strong woman who can do that.
    MaggieMayat50 recently posted…Pity PartyMy Profile

  7. YAY! Though it’s painful as hell, you have finally reached the final stage. First there was grief. Then the ‘what did I do wrong’, followed closely by ‘what can I do to make it right, and, oh, by the way, is he hurting like I am’, to ‘I think I can get through this if I just keep trying.’ And now, because the fates didn’t allow an actual corpse, you have reached the ‘he’s dead to me’ stage. I know this sounds silly, but Congratulations! You are a fine woman who made a decision to let him in because you just may have seen something in an asshole that maybe didn’t exist. But you felt it was worth a risk. Hey, we all make mistakes….but we also meet assholes and give them the benefit of the doubt when they don’t deserve it. Please don’t even consider deleting this post! You may need to look back on it when your heart is all put back together and realize how goddamned lucky you were to remove yourself from a toxic relationship. Yes, I’ve been there, and gone through each stage I mentioned. Sadly, mine took a little longer. I guess there is one more stage….the one when you can see him or hear his name and feel NOTHING. I predict that day for you is closer than you think. Big hugs, Hy!!!

  8. Oh Hy. I feel your pain. It sounds so hard, seeing the evidence of him doing the things with her that you yearned for him to do with you – and the evidence of his dishonesty. Such honesty is not easy; we often shy away from upsetting someone who cares about us; maybe it’s easier to pretend, to fool the other. But you’re right to be angry. You’ve been honest with him and expected the same in return: mature, adult behaviour. What a shame he couldn’t deliver. That he left you with this awful feeling.
    Please keep the post up. We’ve all been there.

  9. This is good Hy, purge it from you, this venting is cathartic & healthy, you’re spewing it out & it will assist with your healing. Love & hugs to you my gorgeous twin.

  10. Oh Hy, I’m so sorry…but so super proud of all the anger flowing from you because anger is absolutely cleansing and healing. I know this must suck and hurt…the duplicity, the lies are one of my worst fears and I was so upset for you when I was reading your raw pain. Kisses and hugs to you, Mxx

  11. First, my credentials: I’m an introvert and Wolf is pretty much a hermit.

    TN’s earlier antisocial behavior sounds very familiar, and more than that, the pattern seems plausible. I think it’s likely that what he told you (about not wanting to be involved with social media, go to weddings together, stay out late, display affection) was more or less true, but maybe exaggerated, whether consciously or unconsciously. I don’t believe that he was deliberately and maliciously lying, anyway. I don’t think he was being fully honest with himself about your relationship – he’s not that self-aware. He did all these things to create a distance that made him feel relatively comfortable rather than going all the way to pull the plug (which would have required bravery and honesty).

    Why is he doing this stuff now? For some reason he doesn’t feel the need to create distance – I guess that’s down to the alchemy of a different relationship with a different person. Maybe they’re a good match and he’s finally able to go all in. Maybe she holds him at arm’s length and in order to be comfortable (which may still be distant), he needs to approach rather than withdraw. Maybe it’s new relationship energy and in a few months he’ll feel stifled. Who knows. Don’t forget that Facebook is curated too and there’s no guarantee that the sentiments expressed are actually felt deeply rather than being ‘performed’ for the audience.

    None of which is to invalidate your feelings about any of this. I still think anger is good here because it will help you break that lingering attachment. I just worry that if you view him as having lied to you deliberately, you may then unreasonably blame yourself for being foolish, causing yourself further and unnecessary hurt. In contrast, if his bullshit was unintentional, it might be easier to let go of because hurting you was accidental. I don’t think you’ll ever really know what he was thinking, and on the evidence there’s more than one possibility. So you have a choice as to what to believe. Do you want to be right or do you want to be “happy” (less miserable)?
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…Gawan: adventuresMy Profile

      1. Ha, thanks, Zoe. I agree with you on all points; I’m very familiar with an introvert, space, etc., and it could have an underlying level of truth. What I consider lies is the idea that he was incapable, that with me he was being real and with his exgf and Pisspants he wasn’t. That I should feel special for getting so little because he was finally being himself. That may be true, but it doesn’t mitigate an ounce of my fury. I am on month 11 of this heartache and he’s off to the next girlfriend once again being the kind of man I longed for but said he simply wasn’t. New relationship or not, it’s bullshit. I also recognize that he’s not all bad. He was kind to me, never spoke to me badly, truly liked me? But he also hid, deceived, and was miserly with his time and affection; he manipulated me to stay when he had no intention of ever staying himself and I’d like to think it was because e really did love me. It just happened to be a selfish kind of love, because had it been true, he’d have let me go long ago and certainly wouldn’t have moved into my complex. But now I’m rehashing old stuff. I just want you to know I really care about your thoughts on this and appreciate the input. I also don’t want you (or anyone) to think I’m demonizing him. I’m sure he’s being a superb boyfriend to that woman. He just never was to me.

  12. Oh, Hy…

    This hurt to read..
    As a follow-up to the overall story-arch of TN, and its end, these revelations felt like finding out you’ve been cheated-on the whole time.

    I hope he’s really an introvert, and _really_ prefers to stay out of the social media limelight in general, and that the few posts / pics you saw on FB _are_ in fact “rare” moments for/with TOW [That Other Woman]…

    ..cuz otherwise, in my head, all I see is “he lied about being out late etc etc cuz those times are being spent with someone else anyway, all this time”…

    Given your open, honest, heart-on-your-sleeve nature, I agree with many that:
    (a) you should definitely NOT regret posting this one, and to leave it up;
    (b) it’s definitely cathartic .. though I’d hesitate to dwell on “anger”, more than calling it an “empassioned release”, and a necessary one at that, in this instance;
    (c) you certainly have EVERY right to be upset, and to have expressed it;
    (d) he _might not_ have “done it on purpose”, but your pain is still valid..

    Now, as I always seek out Silver Linings, I have one for you here:
    Had your friend NOT checked FB, had you NOT seen such things, you’ll NOT have “enjoyed” (as it were) this opportunity to VENT, to really have That Final Excuse to totally Excise TN from your heart, after loving him so long…

    That is to say, had you never seen them, nor known “the real truth”, you may still even now be harboring residual feelings, regrets, etc for/about TN.. and maybe that book wouldn’t be as “closed” as it must now be.

    Still looking on the “bright(er) side”, this chance to “flush the last of his shit out” helps you to “have less TN baggage” going into whatever your next relationship adventure may be — lighter, more open, better enabled to really fully engage with whomever the next lucky guy is… AND, with past (painful) lessons learnt, with an eye open, and a healthy level of skepticism/caution due to a bruised heart.

    *hugs*
    In Sympathy, from one SleeveHeart to another;
    ..and in a little shame, for being a guy who knows how seriously shitty some guys can be to women.. and wishing the world was different.
    I’m Sorry, Hy, that you were hurt by a guy who was careless with your heart, and thoughtless of the consequences of his actions on your feelings.

    Now go, and be Reborn, into the Light of a New Chapter;
    and leave the Ashes of this hurt and pain behind you.

    Blessings for a brighter future,

    xx

  13. Sorry if I repeat anything said above because I haven’t gotten around to reading all of the comments. You are correct to vent … finally! Give the prick what he deserves. He was always selfish … he was only there for what he got out of the relationship … not what he gave you. There … I said it … but I’ve thought it a long time. Anger is really good in you. It makes you even sexier.

    Mike

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