I don’t know what to say.

This will be short.  Peyton is in the shower and the dog needs to be let out.  The Neighbor seems to have stopped stalking me on AFF, which is nice; I’ve bought a ticket to Eroticon 2016, which is giving me heart palpitations.  Anyone want to donate to my travel fund?; and I’ve suddenly run out of things to say here.

It’s not that I don’t have thoughts and feelings, it’s just a little complicated.  I’ve promised a piece of writing for someone else (my first guest post) and everything I’m thinking and feeling should go into that, not into little fragments here.  It’s also complicated because I’m trying to be patient with my feelings.  Maybe he’ll come through, maybe he’ll show up figuratively speaking.  Of course “he” here isn’t just one man, but multiple.

The thing of it is, I’m not at all sure what men think and I’m even less certain of what they think about me.

I feel like a blind woman on a ship at sea in a storm.  In other words, I feel wholly incapable (no offense to the blind people out there who steer ships through storms).

I wait, I rush, I open up, I close down.  Nothing seems to work to wriggle out of a man a little human decency and respect.  I don’t speak their language, clearly.  I know enough to know that I can’t control others, only myself, but it’d be nice to have a 1 + 1 = 2 equation from time to time in regards to dating.  You know, I do a nice thing equals a nice thing back.  I text, he texts back.  I enjoy the sex and want to have more, he enjoys the sex and wants to have more.  Instead the equation looks more like this: 1 + 1 = hahaha FUCK YOU.

So, yeah.  I have nothing to say at the moment, but didn’t want continue to ignore my favorite place in the whole world: this blog and all of you.

I’ll be back soon, I promise.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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12 thoughts on “I don’t know what to say.
  1. I’m so sorry you feel this way….I’m on the ship with you and equally as blind. However, even blind you make a fantastic captain. Hang in there Hy. ❤️

      1. Maybe it’s the month of January that has left you ‘blowing in the wind’ a bit. Mid-January through the whole month of February has always been rough for me. If I were president, I’d eliminate the February completely! I hope things seem a little less fractured for you soon. That’s how I’ve been feeling….fractured.

  2. Lurker here, decided I’d finally post. I’ve read a number of your entries, and I thought I’d share my perspective for whatever it’s worth (you can decide if anything).

    In a recent post you mentioned that your sister said you lead with your sexuality, which you agreed with. I think this is part of the issue you’re having with your relationships and interactions with men.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to say you should be shamed for your sexuality or desires. But for a lot of men in general, a woman who leads with her sexuality is seen as someone to pursue primarily for sex, and sometimes not even more than that first time or two. Again, that’s not bad or wrong; if all you’re looking for is casual sex and nothing more, it’s all good. It’s also not to say that leading with sex precludes the possibility of it leading to more than that, but in a modern world of abundant casual sex and seemingly endless partners from which to sample, it is less likely.

    The other thing that stuck out at me was how many of your lovers tend to be significantly younger. Again, this isn’t a problem when it comes to just sex. But in terms of developing something more significant, again it’s less likely to happen, and more likely to remain something casual or non-committal.

    Even The Neighbor, who was a significant relationship for you, wasn’t willing to commit in the way you wanted, yet turned around and did just that with someone else. He was 9 years younger, with no kids, and in the beginning told you he didn’t want to seriously date someone with a kid. You two were (are) in completely different places in your lives. He probably saw you as a wonderful and fun distraction, but due to the age and life stage difference he was never going to want more with you than he already had.

    So in the end, I don’t see the problem you’ve been having as not knowing how to speak men’s language, but rather the choices you’ve been making about who and how you’ve been dating.

    Again, this is just an outsider’s perspective. Feel free to disregard it if you think it’s totally off base.

    1. Hi Hy
      Have been reading you for some time and just love your way with words and style and the emotion and raw honesty you bring to this blog.
      Your writing is great, probably the best of all the blogs I follow. I so enjoy reading your life and have really felt for you in your travails with your unrequited love for TN – we’ve all been there and you express it so well.
      I do get your deep need at the moment to connect with a man on a more complete level than just sex and to have them treat you with kindness.
      Please don’t take this the wrong way but Thomas in his comment to you had a lot of sense and stark reality in his remarks on what it takes to get a relationship started. Sigh……. but I’m sure you’ve thought of these things for yourself already Hy – I do wish you well in finding what makes you happy and thanks for all the wonderful blogs that us readers are getting whilst you are on your journey to find it. xx

      1. Thanks for allowing for room that I’ve already considered what Thomas suggested. The whole point of this post is that I feel freer accepting the fact that I can’t control for other people’s behaviors. I can only do me and this is how I do it: I’m sexual, I fuck a lot. I greatly appreciate your support and your kindness.

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