It’s the little things.

I pulled out of my parking spot and headed down the long row.  A movement caught my eye to the right.  A young woman and man rushed into each other’s arms.  Their open car doors gaped as they pressed their bodies together.

She was slender, cooler than shit with rocker layers and bleached hair.  He towered over her in faded black jeans and Vans.  They hardly moved even as they clutched at one another.

I craned my neck to watch as I crawled by.  I imagined the breath they were breathing, not their own, but of the other’s.  They held still, locked in this fervent embrace, their lips pressed in long release, not passionate consumption.

Were there tears?  Surely their hearts sought to break away and leap into the other’s chest.  I watched them grow small in my rear view mirror and felt a pang.

I have never had that, that emotional race into another’s arms whose own heart beat as clamourously as mine.  So open, so free.

I don’t believe any of the men in my life currently have the potential to evoke this kind of situation.  I tend to attract men as cagey as me, as wary and broken.  We are drawn to those similar to us, after all.

On a date with a man in a poly relationship last week he commented on my distance.  “Hy, you are very guarded.”  I at least know my limits with that situation — I could never be beta — but his relationship forces much openness and emotional intimacy.  I have proven extremely difficult for him to get close to over the last year and in contrast to what he has with his girlfriend I must have felt like a brick wall.

His remark struck me as we drank Prosecco in a darkened bar.  It’s true.  I am guarded.  So very, very guarded.  I prefer the dark.

I met up with Bones for a daylight excursion this weekend and I felt exposed to the light.  Our tenuous connection couldn’t withstand the glare and I left our so-called date late at night upset and alone.  We have not been able to repair the damage; I am not sure I want to or can.  I need a man who’s better than me, not as broken as me.

I know that what I witnessed earlier was a moment in two lives possibly never to be duplicated, but it reminded me of the basest need I have: to be desired in such a way that all else melts away except for the two of us.  In a monumental moment in a random strip mall parking lot like I saw today or in a mundane one such as pulling me in for a side hug as we walk a few strides together down a crowded sidewalk or in a sexy one which included a casual nip of my ear at dinner, a hand on my bare thigh.

I want our feelings to drown out our self-consciousness; I don’t want anyone to be more important than me, him, and us.  I realize that in craving this openness I am desiring that one thing I struggle to achieve with people: an admission of my feelings, a freedom to feel.  Oh, the irony.

I want a man to be unafraid to love me fully, yet I can barely share even the smallest sliver of my own heart.

I have a lot of work to do before I find myself to be half of a couple consumed with one other.  A lot of work before I feel safe enough with someone to share more than just the smallest amount bearable, but at least I know now what not to do and one of those things is to settle.

Because the little things lead to the big things and the big things lead to beauty and meaning and joy — big love, big life, big everything.  It’s all connected from the start to the finish.  If I don’t insist on the little things, then how on earth can I expect the big things?

And I want the little things.  Very badly.  Now I just have to be brave enough to insist upon them.

 

 

 

 

20 thoughts on “It’s the little things.

  1. I’m a little sad reading that Hy. We are all looking for someone that ticks every box. I thought I’d found someone my soul mate. A lovely special person. She ticked every box apart from one. The big one. The L… box. Isn’t that the big box that we all want to put a big tick in. We can keep trying keep looking. The problem is when we go out looking for someone who’s a little bit naughty to share that important part of our lives with its difficult to get the other ticks in the boxes too. For women its really hard I guess. Maybe we have to accept that we have to compromise our choices and expectations. Well that’s my thoughts anyway. I’m new to this so I guess I’m still puzzling a way through it all. All the best. Jay.

    • It’s very hard to tick all the boxes! And I’m not at all sure we’re supposed to get them all, maybe 3 out of 5?? I have no idea. And of course some boxes are more important than others. It’s just hard. xx Hy

  2. We are all seeking that “something special” in another human being that responds to the yearning in our hearts. Sadly, most of us settle for much less, hence the huge demand for romantic novels and in some cases such as mine, the writing of romantic novels. Most of us will never find that person whose desire for us is all-consuming, and perhaps it is just as well, as fiction shows us that such grand passions are often fated, as in, for example, Romeo and Juliet, Heathcliffe and Cathy, and many more. But we keep searching, despite the odds of finding that deep connection with another human being being infinitesimally small.
    Rachel de Vine recently posted…The Hotel Room – a short, erotic storyMy Profile

    • I want the all consuming love that shuts out all else, but that also boils down to hand holding. I’m not delusional of course! I know that bright flames die out and compromises must be made, but at the very least I want someone who isn’t self conscious about their feelings for me. Bones has said in no uncertain terms he isn’t that man – he IS self conscious – and I don’t think I want that.

      And I don’t know if I’m happy you’ve found a solution or sad that you had to. xx Hy

  3. Oh, Hy, do I ever feel ya. I want their heart, completely, until I don’t want it. I want the be completely, head-over-heels, or rather I want them to feel that way about me. But, I have a hard time getting there myself. I want to give my all, and I do, for a moment or a day here and there, but it’s so dangerous to go full out. I’m a pussy.
    Eva St. James recently posted…Who is in Control?My Profile

  4. Dan Savage frequently talks about the fact that it is virtually possible to find the One, so you take person who is 0.64 and them the fuck up to 1. He has a point – I think seeking perfect is stressful and puts a lot of pressure on the other person and the relationship.

    As for Bones & PDA – perhaps he just needs more time to feel comfortable OR that just won’t be his thing, but he is still your 0.64. Who knows?
    MaggieMayat50 recently posted…BreakawayMy Profile

    • I must have missed the mark in my post if people think I’m saying I’m looking for The One or someone who ticks all the boxes. Of course we have to compromise!! I’m not looking for perfect, but I don’t want to get involved with someone who outrightly says he doesn’t “do” PDA because it’s extremely important to me. I want to notice what little things are important to me because I believe they lead to bigger things. Bones and I haven’t been able to communicate on this at all – another struggle for me – but I’m hoping to straighten things out soon. You may be right that he needs more time, but I haven’t shared the entire story (it’s not relevant to my point about sticking up for the little things I want). Suffice it to say, the day was shitty and PDA was only one of the issues I discovered we disagreed on.

  5. I’m curious–do you know what little things matter to him? Are you comfortable giving them to him? It’s like love languages–in many relationships each person values different love languages more and the challenge becomes how to get enough of what you need while trying to give your partner what they need (which might not come naturally to you). Challenging but fascinating stuff.

    • We are so not there yet. This is the trial phase, the do I want to do this phase. Don’t get too ahead of me here! Lol. We’ve just been fucking and chillin for a few weeks. We haven’t talked about anything other than our next date. But after spending an entire day with him I noticed new things, things I’m not crazy about.

      • Sorry, I didn’t literally mean figuring out love languages now. I just meant that it’s interesting that you are identifying things that are important to you and I was just curious if you had a sense of what little things he appreciates. I think that so many times we want things but subconsciously expect others to know it (i.e. Mind reading). But I know you only presented broad strokes here, so I may be off base.

  6. I’m sorry things are not working out with Bones.
    I know that sometimes, things can go from ‘let’s fuck and enjoy this for a while’ to more. But I also know that I would have been very wary had he not accepted to hold my hand the first time we went out outside of a club (and I mean disco) or I felt him distant when I wanted to kiss him. It was important to me that we could do that.
    This said, it doesn’t mean that things weren’t weird from time to time. How do you go to the movies with someone you’ve been seeing for many months and hardly want to touch them? That puzzled me. Because it’s so different from what I tend to do. But at least he gave me his blessing to hold onto him when I needed to. He wasn’t affectionate, but he didn’t shy away. That made all the difference I believe.
    Like you, I couldn’t have continued otherwise.
    There were many times when I was very surprised with things he said, ways he behaved… but all in all, I can see us moving from there, and the little things (or lack thereof) that would have made me feel discounted are clearly not there. I guess I’m lucky!
    It does take compromise, and quite a lot of it, as you know, it took (still does) some holding my tongue… but the overall feeling is still a positive one.
    I don’t think I ever got out of a date with him feeling bad. At least not when I didn’t have expectations going into the date.
    I know it’s crazy, and I know it may not feel like it, but I do think I understand what you mean.
    You’ll find the man who ticks your boxes Hy. You will. I know it.
    I’m sorry it’s taking such a long time. But I’m not sure you were ready for it before, you were still too caught up emotionally with TN.
    Now, you’ve moved past TN, and were also able to see that Bones isn’t the one for you and move on. It’s huge Hy. Huge!
    XO
    Dawn D recently posted…BreakthroughMy Profile

    • I’m not at all certain where I’m at with all of this, but I’m going to keep working on being open and honest (at least to myself! haha) about how I feel. And I’ll keep making the best decisions I can based on that. Thanks – as always – for all your support and positive energy! xx Hy

  7. I love this post. It’s these moments that give us clarity to ask for what we really want. It reminds me of this quote I came across recently “Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”

    The reason I love this post so much is I see you wanting to be the kind of person that attracts the kind of relationship you really want. I see you recognising that we attract what we are. You are so worthy of love Hy and I believe you will find it. I know you can find it. It’s starts with you loving you, not through vanity or ego but making choices that feel good to you and believing in your dreams and that they will come true. Nourishing yourself and your soul by doing things you love and realise that you are not only worthy and deserving of exactly the kind of relationship that you want but knowing that you will find it.

    I’m excited for you. Knowing what you want is the first step, the next is to believe you will find it and then finally sit back and enjoy the ride on the way there. Life is so awesome. Grab it by the horns and enjoy it!

    Keep on being your awesome self, loving the blog and you!

    xx

    • Yes, I’m trying so very hard to be honest with myself and brave enough to share my thoughts. Thank you so very much for your support! You’d never believe how much it means to me!

  8. Lover of Life’s words are really important. I think, if your followers are also like me, we’re all hoping that maybe Bones could meet your needs coz we all would like to see you happy. But you expressed niggles in previous posts so maybe we should be surprised that it hasn’t worked out. But what I like about this post, is a sense of certainty about yourself and your needs, and while we may compromise on ‘wants’ we shouldn’t on ‘needs’… and Pda is a need, no matter how little.

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