I was wrong.

He didn’t move out this weekend.

His fucking fancy black car is still there, mocking me.

My heart lurches when I pass him on the street, though I’m invisible to him in my new and unfamiliar car.  Lucky him.

I dread seeing him when I run to get groceries and have scathing, vitriolic conversations with him under my breath as I stride angrily through the heat from my car to the produce section.

“You should never have followed me to my complex.”

“You lied to me about who you were.”

“You are a cruel, selfish bastard for invading my home.”

I think twice about getting my mail.  Do I look good enough if I run into him?

I think twice about walking to the office.  Will he see me?

I think twice about visiting the gym behind his building.  Does he use it?

When I park at the bottom of the hill near his building late at night, laced with wine, and with a virile, good-smelling man I wish he could see me saunter up the hill.

When I go to the pool with my little string bikini I worry he might be there and even worse, be with someone who looks better than me.  Because that’s somehow important to the small woman in me.  I’m reduced to thinking looks matter.

The bottom line is, I was wrong.

I got his apartment number wrong — it’s not actually listed on our website — and it feels like he’ll never leave.  I have no idea when it’s going to happen.  There is no relief in sight.

I am trapped in Purgatory and forced to face my mistakes every morning, noon and night.  I ignored all the signs and focused on my love for  him.  His thoughtful sweetness, his throbbing sex, his delicious distance.  I have no one to blame but myself and when I once had power in the situation I no longer do.  I can’t make him go.

I struggle with the word regret.  It feels like I’m admitting I got nothing from my choice when that’s not true.  I loved that man madly and deeply.  I proved to myself I was capable of magic with another human being.  I unearthed parts of me I didn’t know existed.  How could I possibly regret that?

The regret I feel is for ignoring my gut that summer before he moved here — something was seriously amiss — and though I have no actual proof my sleepless nights and early morning searches for GPS trackers were enough for the jury of my heart.

I wish I knew why I felt those things, I certainly wish I hadn’t, but I did and I neither tried to prove or disprove them.  I simply put one foot in front of the other in total denial and love and hope and resistance.

And now I’m afraid to check my mail.

Because I was wrong.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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23 thoughts on “I was wrong.
  1. :((

    I saw the title and I thought you were going to be wrong about ‘no men for a while’, but this: yeah, I get it.

    I was just saying to a friend that I am blessed that none of my exes used social media, so I have never had to see the evidence of them moving on, dating, falling in love while I was still curled up in the corner, foetal style.

    But physical proximity: yeah, ouch. I imagine the ‘yes freedom, finally!’ hopefulness makes it all the worse.

    I agree with you on the ‘no regrets’ thing, though. He wasn’t a mistake. You clearly got a lot of joy and happiness from that relationship, and that’s no small thing.

    Ferns
    Ferns recently posted…Casual maybeMy Profile

    1. Hahaha well, you ARE right. I’ve already had sex, but maybe the summer of no men really means the summer of no dramz.

      Re: TN, yes, you get what I was trying to convey exactly. It’s a special kind of torture to see someone who triggers you in some way, whomever that person may be. It’s excruciating, really.

      And HE was not a mistake, for sure, but towards the end I certainly made mistakes. Live and learn! xx

  2. UHG! I can so feel you…GRRRRR….i am so sorry he didn’t move out….but it wouldn’t matter if you thought you looked your best….when you see him little daggers will still momentarily prick your heart…..there is no “small woman in you” it completely and totally has to do with a person’s belief in themselves and there is NO reason you should not feel confident around him….don’t let him take that away from you..there are SO many people in the world that love you exactly as you are right now…you have a ton of excellent memories from your life to recall that will put a smile on your face now and forever

    1. Thanks for the note! It’s not that I don’t feel confident, let me be clear, it’s just that I can’t relax in my own space. I know I look great. It’s how anyone would feel towards an ex after a bad breakup, I’m pretty sure.

        1. Oh Hy, i just read the rest of your comments and there IS nothing to say but it sucks, sucks, sucks….I get teary eyed for your situation….I think most people have been in similar tortured shoes….and affairs of the heart…there is no damn logic….”love” has fueled art (how many paintings, sculptures, songs etc have been created since there were tools to create those feelings?) started wars and made the most intelligent and successful people (however that is measured) do the fucking stupidest things because of love….it truly is a bitter sweet emotion…i think you are beautiful inside and out

      1. I know that just being in the same room as my ex, I got a heaviness in my chest. And I don’t think I ever loved him. I can understand how hard it is when you loved the guy.

  3. I simultaneously want to hug you to send some comfort. You ARE enough, HE wasn’t enough for you, that’s a better way to look at it.

    And I want to shake you (sorry!).
    I’m going to be a bit blunt here (all is coming from a place of love though. Does it make it better?). Sometimes it’s necessary, because I feel right now you need a shock to move on.

    You say you have no regrets. It’s not true. You do. It seeps through your page.
    You blame yourself for what happened, you blame yourself for not seeing it early enough (I recognise it, because I struggled with that part for a long time after leaving the ex. It’s the thing I still struggle with at times. Why didn’t I leave earlier? I’m only finally thinking it’s the way it was supposed to be). You blame yourself because you think you don’t compare to his girlfriend(s). You blame yourself because he didn’t want you, and that makes you feel you weren’t enough. You weren’t enough to change him.

    But Hy, no one can change anyone else. The best we can hope for is to find someone whose craziness matches our own! His obviously didn’t. It was nice while it lasted (you can keep telling yourself that, even though you know that it hadn’t been nice for a long while before it finally was over).

    I just realised something. I was trying to pinpoint when the change happened, and I think it’s when your hand was forced to tell him you blog. And that’s maybe why you’re struggling with telling anyone that you do. I mean in real life. And that’s why going to Eroticon felt so good, because you were accepted entirely, for the wonderful human being you are AND the excellent blogger.

    When you go to the pool, do you think you have to look good enough in case he comes around, or his girlfriend does, and you don’t want them to think “How can *this* woman (I wanted to write *this* and that’s it, because I know that’s how I’d talk to myself) be a renowned sex blogger? How can she even find men to *fuck* her? Look how unfit, how shabby she looks!”

    I know this would be my inner dialogue. Or ‘would have been’. Probably ‘would be’.

    You can only heal when you decide to say FUCK IT! I AM ME. WHY DO I CARE WHAT HE/HIS GIRLFRIEND THINKS? And that’s true about your looks, about your whole personality too.

    I know it’s hard. I know it. And that’s why I’m sending the hugs. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

    You shouldn’t be afraid of anything. And only you can decide not to be. Live, Hy. Live your life, enjoy every minute, live in the present. Not in the past. Not in the past with TN, not in the past with your ex, not in the past with your parents. (can you tell there’s a lot of self pep talk in here? I still need the reminders every day).

    Accept yourself as you are. A wonderful, caring, loving, sex-loving, creative, damn good writer who got invited to talk about her craft at an international convention.
    And that’s only the side of Hy I know.

    You need to be a friend to yourself. Love yourself, stand up for yourself when that crazy negative inner voice speaks up, and shut her up (unless yours is a he? In which case shut him up!). Stand up for Hy, just like you’d stand up for any friend of yours who took that bullying.

    Ok, I’m going to stop here. Sorry for letting all this out. Love you. Cheering for you to find your path.
    Did I say love you?
    <3

    1. It just sucks to have the constant threat of running into him and I’m fucking pissed off about it. At him and at myself. There is no new girlfriend that I’m aware of, that was just me painting the picture of my anxiety about living my life in my space. He COULD have one and he COULD show up at the pool and THAT fucking sucks.

      And things hanged after I told him I loved him (and very shortly after about the blog). That was the beginning of the end and I’ve long known that and written about it. It wasn’t what he wanted and he became inauthentic and increasingly unhappy. He never came with me again after he said I love you. So, that was that.

      But this post is about how I hate him being in my space and how interferes with my life. It sucks. xx

      1. That bastard!!! How dare he not move?! It’s what any decent person would do!!! I am sad for you :( I hope he really does move soon!

        Also, I posted this here because I miss reading Dawn’s blog since it is private. Double boo :(

        1. Oh! Thank you I guess!
          Well, let me know what your user name is and try to ask for access… that should fix it :-)

          I refuse access to anyone I don’t know, that was the whole point of making it private, you know, protection ;-)
          If you let me know… I’ll accept your next request

          1. I’m just a lurker, not a user. I read Hy’s blog and Ann’s blog (and yours till it became private!). In any case, I hope that you are happy and doing well!

      2. I do totally understand how it sucks. I can only say, from experience, it gets better.
        It used to be that I dreaded my kids’ end of year show and sports tournaments, because I never knew whether he was going to be there or not.
        I know I still have this somewhere at the back of my mind that makes me tense up. But I have accepted that he has a new girlfriend, that she is younger than me, and thinner and all the rest. The thing is, I had accepted it, but it’s only when I realised how him having a girlfriend and me being ‘single’ (as far as the kids know, I am) messed up my youngest that I was forced to think about it. And it helped me ‘integrate’ that I’m really happy for him he has a GF. And I don’t care that she is younger and so on. I am glad for him.

        Maybe this is made easier because I am in love with a man who loves me, or because I am the one who left the ex, or maybe because I never loved him and never knew what love is before? I don’t know.
        All I can say is that this year, it was much easier than two years ago. To know that he was going to be at the kids’ show.
        I was prepared for it. At least this year he didn’t come and glue himself on the other side of our child, less than a yard away from me. That time, I felt physically sick.

        But the thing I realised, I think, is that not daring do things because he may be there, or fearing going somewhere because he may go too… it was letting him win, letting him control my life. And I was tired of him controlling my life, so I needed to regain the power.
        I know it’s not easy to get rid of these feelings, as I said, I still struggle at times. But… the only way for them to go away is when you decide you won’t let him win over your life, won’t let him have that much influence over your life.

        I can’t tell you how long it will take to get there, but… the power is yours Hy. You have it within yourself. The power to say stop, I want to feel free to live as I see fit. I don’t care what he thinks or says.
        This is his space too, and I accept he is entitled to use it. But… so what if he shows at the pool. It’s your pool too. Enjoy being there, because he just may NOT show up.
        Try and turn that self-talk around. I know it’s not easy.

        Good luck Hy. And kudos on writing this post.
        XO

  4. Reading this gives a lot of perspective. Many of us can relate to the emotions you are experiencing.

    I read this thinking as though I was the subject you were referencing. I know I am such a person to some people. In my head, I want to believe it is no big deal. That does not take away that person’s truth.

    I wish time weren’t so key to a situation being an emotional disaster or an amicable parting. I have certainly held on to relationships much longer than desired trying to “do the right thing.”

    Thanks for writing, Hya. Big fan.

    1. I might be torturing him, as well, though he never used our apartments quite to the degree that I did and my car and building are past his, so he never has to see me or walk or drive by. My point is, I guess, that we may all be this to someone to some degree.

      And you’re right, time will help (and has helped), but ultimately him moving will be the real cure.

  5. This is what I feel. I ignored red flags, still do, if I’m honest with myself. Because … of the sex, the connection, everything.
    And I’m sick of hearing how I need to get over it, to move on, find someone else or be content to be alone or WTF ever people, well meaning people who love me, whatever they think I should do.
    We cannot control how we feel. God knows I wish I could. I wish I could stop myself from thinking about him, comparing others to him, loving him, and goddammit, missing him.
    It’s useless to try to stop feeling something. It’s also a major blow to the ego, huh? But, fuck ’em.
    Kudos to you for sharing.
    Eva St. James recently posted…Who is in Control?My Profile

      1. I’m sorry Hy. Didn’t mean to be cruel.

        It’s awfully hard to get over this, I am sure. And everyone gets there on their own time line.

        I guess I try to look at it as I do forgiving. The only person hurt by the hatred is me, so I don’t have any interest in keeping the hate. And even though forgiving isn’t easy, it’s the best thing I can do for myself.

        A few years ago, a very good girlfriend asked me this very powerful question. “Why are you depressed? What does this depression bring you? What does being depressed allow you to hide from yourself that you don’t want to see”.

        It was very hard to hear, because it made me feel like I was responsible for my depression, when I thought so many other things were. The abusive childhood, the abusive marriage, the many moves, post natal depression, hormones, you name it.

        But the message behind it, when I was able to hear it, was “If being depressed is making you feel miserable, maybe it’s time to figure out what you can do to not feel like this, change your thought patterns”
        As I said earlier, I am still not there yet, but… I have made progress.

        I am thankful for this friend to ‘shock’ me into asking myself the questions I needed to ask in order to heal.

        It may have been that I wrongfully tried to do as my friend had done for me.

        I apologise if it made you feel awful. It means I obviously didn’t succeed in delivering the message in a similarly loving way.

  6. i like this Hy….i think it pertains to what you are searching for right now

    check this out “community. respect. friendship. fucking.” on
    sexylittleideas.com

  7. you are not alone in your search for GPS trackers and feelings somethings not quite right I’m in the same spot but I have to know one way or the other – if he is then I can cont on with this game we are playing without a guilty conscience if he isn’t then I’ll commit fully and dump all my extracurriculars but I refuse to until I know for sure – and I’m pretty sure I’m not gonnna have to dump them which I would really prefer but it is what it is ;)

    so any suggestions on the GPS trackers lol

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