He is like an infection.

My insides were tight as I walked down the hill towards my apartment complex’s gym.  The Neighbor’s car has been outside of his building the last week and a half around 9 am; what if he saw me walk past as he left for work?  What if his new later hours meant he was in the gym??

I decided to chance it because I so badly need to run and lose myself in sweat and burning muscles and possibly tears.

His car was there just as I’d dreaded.

I punched in the gate code to the pool and pulled it open.  The reflections on the gym windows on the other side of the deck shimmered with leaves.  As I approached I saw the handles on an elliptical moving swiftly.  I froze.

I moved to my right, just so, to see the shape of the person on the machine and it appeared to be a closely cropped male head.  He’s grown his hair back from bald, I knew that much.

I moved to my left to confirm and could still only barely make out a thick-ish shape, but it was enough.  I couldn’t make my feet move one more inch forward.  I turned on my heel and sped out.  Fuck this shit.

I sat on the retaining wall by the mailboxes hoping he’d either be right behind me and headed up to his apartment or prove I was completely paranoid and drive by in his car.  Neither happened.

I sat there, feet dangling, and fought tears.  I just want him to go the fuck away already.  It’s been 18 motherfucking months and I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  Why is he still here??  He makes plenty of money — a move would be absolutely feasible.  I can’t leave.  I have a child whom calls this home and I don’t have the funds.

Why did he stalk me on AFF every week?  Why did he use my 2-and-a-half-year old Venmo invitation to join when he refused for months when we were together (Venmo is a banking app where you can easily transfer money to your friends who use it, too, and leave funny memos, such as he did for a beautiful co-worker, “You know what this is for…”)?!  Why did he take that woman to my gym class??  Why did he want to be my friend??  Why didn’t he let me dump him all those times I tried??  Why did he follow me here??  Why won’t he go away???

Why why why????

I’ve deleted his number out of my phone, I got off of Fetlife a year ago when I saw he was using photos I took of him as his new profile pic, blocked him on FB and AFF and even fucking Venmo so I don’t have to see why the hot girl and him are passing money back and forth.  I hold my breath every time I come home and leave, check my mail, go to the pool, and now I’m afraid of my own gym.

I am so very fucking tired of this.  So, so tired.  I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

I feel like I’m drowning, though I am the strongest swimmer I know.  How is this happening to me??  I’ve done everything right, taken all the right medicines. I’ve kept my head held high, left him alone, moved on, worked hard to feel better, find a new friend and lover, invested more in my writing and this life, focused harder on mothering.

I have done it all and yet because he’s immutable I am stuck being forced to go around the steaming pile of shit that is his existence at the very gate of my life.  The very gate!

I’m glad to see that his life is so easy that the thought of moving hasn’t occurred to him.  I know what he tells himself; he says, “I’m too lazy.”  It’s what he told me when I raged at him for updating his age on AFF while we were together, but not adding the fact that he had a girlfriend like I’d nearly begged him to do months before.  “I’m lazy, Hy!” he yelled back.  Mmhm.  “Lazy.”

He doesn’t see me, nor is he reminded in any way of my existence, and he told me many times over when he’d be critical of me noticing whether his car was home or not that he never thought of my proximity.  Well, good for fucking you, you ignorant asshole.  Unlike you, I’m aware of my surroundings.

I can feel the prick of tears, the weight in my chest.

I need to run.  I’m going back down again.  Maybe I’ll get further this time.

Fuck.

I wish a giant hole would open up under him and he’d disappear forever and get the fuck out of my life for good.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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14 thoughts on “He is like an infection.
  1. I dont really like this..just acknowledging reading it. The issue with men like this..is they truly don’t see/don’t care how you are impacted…because you really don’t matter to them. There is no comfort in knowing other women are also disposable. People like that are broken. And you have to squeeze the hurt until the puss drains from the open wound he created. Feel the pain and push it. Don’t let him cause any more damage inside of your hear or heart.

      1. Okay….I just erased my post…it was chock full of “useful” feedback of which you are already aware of….okay so I just erased something else I wrote…I just want to know I feel for you….I feel the fucking lump in your throat….I feel the anger…I feel the confusion….I know what it is like to be on hyper-alert because HE might pop up anywhere….I wish I could make it go away for you….

  2. I read this and I’m filled with despair. I, too, have done all those things. I have stopped calling. I have tried to stop trolling his Twitter and Instagram (ok, every day I say I won’t, I haven’t so far today). I have seen other men, flirted outrageously online, joined Match.com, gotten drunk, stayed sober. Yet, today, I still woke up thinking about him, and will no doubt go to sleep thinking about him. And I’m thinking, Fuck, Eva, it’s been four months! You are 18 months in! At least I know Im not alone. Thank you for that.
    Keep going darlin’, you are strong, and one teary day isn’t your whole life. You will get there.
    Eva St. James recently posted…Who is in Control?My Profile

  3. There are lots of theories and home remedies for this… The two I subscribe to the most are to feel it… To let it rip through you like the storm waters through a riverbed. Eventually the waters will recede and the river will return to normal, but it sure makes a mess of the banks and sometimes people drown in the storm waters. The next is Pema Chodron… She says that there is no right timeframe. It is what it is. It uses the zen philosophy that suffering is being in an argument with reality. Accept that it hurts and will hurt until it doesn’t. I love your honesty. You are loved. You will figure it out. If you need help, I have friends you can talk to via Skype…

    1. Thanks, Thomas. I feel loved. I love the idea that suffering is an argument with reality. Beautiful and all too true. But, like any infection, I have to fight it off and I don’t know when it will be completely gone. I’m working on it, though.

      1. fighting denotes the struggle is the important part… like, we are what we pay attention to. You are in pain, but you do not have to be in struggle. An infection is when the bodies defenses become such that they can no longer keep from being overwhelmed. Some infections can be cured and some you just need to let run their course… Sometimes the cure is worse than the infection… many times we take something that we think is related to curing what we have, but it only makes us more susceptible to further, potentially worse infections….

        I would say… you don’t NEED to do anything. I find the universe is a saucy trickster… often what we are resisting, will persist and what we ask for will show up, so long as we are not attached to the outcome.

        I have no idea why you showed up… either you created me or I created you, but that creation had a reason… and it makes me laugh thinking the reason why!

    1. You’d feel like complete shit lol I went out with a great, gregarious, funny, hot guy on Tuesday. A guy you’d think had it all figured out, was solid. Well, he went through a messy breakup 6 months ago and even he dreads running into his ex on his FedEx route (which he has). He felt sick to his stomach and wasn’t ok either. Heartbreak is awful and exposure to your ex before you’re ready is particularly horrendous.

  4. this made me so mad when I read it – I just want to slap him in the face and tell him what a douchebag he is for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it’s hard BUT quit letting him control what you do – HE CHOSE TO MOVE TO YOUR COMPLEX ITS HIS FUCKING PROBLEM act like you don’t even know who he is (that’s what I do in these situations) and just do your thing FUCK HIM IF IT ANNOYS HIM HE CAN FUCKING MOVE

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