Ok, that’s not exactly true. Having feelings for someone other than the one you’re casually fucking sucks.
I eat, sleep, and shit Luke these days; he’s literally all I can think about.
We text and send video messages all day throughout a day as we juggle our respective responsibilities. I cum listening to videos of him telling me about the errands he’s running and, chagrined by my constant begging, he sends me selfies and tells me how he thinks about me while he soaps himself up in the shower.
He says he’ll never leave me – though what that means is more theoretical than practical – and I choose to hit pause on reality and bask in the attention of a man I find to be incredible both inside and out. I let the smoke of his words fill my lungs and infiltrate my system and, as I exhale slowly, bask in the high that someone says he sees me and won’t go away. Crack, meet Hy, Hy, crack.
I’ve been out with a few men since stumbling upon Luke, but none can clear the room of his scent. Brad is a loving father, intelligent, filled with Dad Puns which make me cry with laughter, and a nimble lover, but he’s ignorant to his second-chair status. Kent and I met for dinner after five years apart and argued over whether or not Michael Jackson actually touched those poor boys and though he smelled delicious, I went home alone. There was another man whose brand of sense of humor left me straight-faced and deeply unimpressed. He never had a chance past “Hi, all my dates end up saying they don’t want to see me again.” Franklin’s presence is more life-preserver and less love interest and his existence seems to reside within a conflict-free zone at the moment. Thanks, Universe, for that small win.
I’ve been doing my Hy thing for so long I’d forgotten that there was more to be had, more to feel. A friend who knows me as Hy laughed when I told him I was struggling with having feelings for someone.
“All this time you DIDN’T feel alive? Wow. It must be somethin’.”
Indeed, it is.
When I lived next door and slid into a sexual, playful relationship with The Neighbor I was also fucking other men. He was one of many, no big deal, a young, furry, inexperienced yet exceedingly talented lover next door. And then we began to talk and hang out more and the sex steadily improved until every man I met and fucked was being compared to him. That new, next man had to meet or exceed what TN gave to me.
TN was unavailable (and never said he wasn’t), but our attraction and chemistry overrode both of our common sense and eventually, I threw caution to the wind and decided to take what little he’d give me and go all in. I focused on the positives until it came to a sudden end and now, nearly 2 years later, I am still sweeping away the residue of his chalk outline. We had something special and I felt a certain way. That inexplicable measure where suddenly you are real, you are heard.
I haven’t felt so divided, so distracted by anyone else since that early time with TN. When I tried so hard to find someone to replace him – a man who didn’t want me – but who made me feel alive just the same. Luke has inadvertently triggered a reawakening in me. Not unlike the stirrings I felt while in London with Ben, but more strongly. Perhaps they’re building upon themselves like a snowball down a mountainside or maybe I’m just becoming more comfortable with my softer, open side.
Luke wishes me luck before my dates and asks that I text him at the end if possible. If I don’t text him until the morning he wishes me good morning and asks me how things went. He’s jealous of the men in my life much as I’m jealous of his poofy, 5lb dog who gets to sit on his chest and lick his face like a miniature lion.
I have lost almost all interest in local adventures; I can’t muster the energy to focus on a man who isn’t Luke and I feel like an asshole. It’s not like anyone I’m talking to thinks they’ve snagged all of my attention, but last I heard the polite thing to do is to successfully not think about another man while one is inside of you. Just sayin’. I’ve reached new lows.
Obviously weird shit happens in the course of a lifetime. I have no clue why Luke was thrown into my path or I in his. All I know is that with him I feel safe to explore the vulnerable parts of me, the parts which are so closely guarded I all but forgot they existed, and the distance between us emboldens me to poke around, find my limits.
It seems the impenetrable Hy isn’t quite the cool Ice Queen she thought she’d become, she’s also a warm-hearted fool who wants to slumber and rise wrapped in her crush’s arms while high as a motherfucking kite.