I am a fisherman.

Here, little fishies...
Here, little fishies…

I imagine looking out over a harbor, the morning light gentle, the scent of the bay cold and familiar in my nostrils.  I hike my suspenders over my shoulders and step into my dingy.  I have to check my lines; one group of crab pots after the next, the water gently choppy, the sound of the boat engine a buzzing throttle beneath my hand as I steer.

I stop, pull the lines.  They’re heavy.  The little creatures inside move in what looks like slow motion.  I pull them up, open the cage and shake them out into the bottom of my boat, toss the pot back in the water and move on to the next.

It’s second-nature to me, these motions.  It’s part of my life, who I am.  I measure them silently in my mind.  Chemistry, cock, charisma.

I check 3 lines every day.  My AFF, Seeking Arrangement and Collar Space.  Each day I find creatures in my pots.  Each day I am overwhelmed with the vetting process.

SA continues to be a brutally unrewarding place, but I also continue to be in a desperate financial situation so I stay on in hopes that I’ll find that one man who can save me financially as I work furiously in real life to solve for it on my own.

Will, the sugar daddy of ill-manners, and I no longer speak.  He behaved even more badly in regards to how I spent “his” $100 and I told him it was fucking bullshit.  I don’t know what he expected from me, but a sugar relationship wasn’t it.  He thought $100 bought something.  Yeah, groceries and gas, asshole.

Collar Space is a tender spot for me.  I am inundated with thoughtful, sexy emails from submissive men, but I am deeply reticent after my most recent experience of being abandoned after a vanilla-esque scene.  I can’t put myself back in that position any time soon, though I yearn to.

I am still speaking with the first sub who reached out to me back July, but I’m tired of the “How are you?” texts and don’t have the energy to move it further along.

AFF remains my happy place, but last I checked I had five times as many new emails than usual.  Apparently late summer has caused the tide to shift a bit and suddenly I am more desirable than ever.  I haven’t had the time to sift through all the possibilities there either; the men just lay at my feet, arms and legs waving at me.

My harvest is immense, but my appetite is low.

In a week it will have been one year since I ended my friendship with The Neighbor.  One year since he was in my house.  One year since we sobbed together.  One year since he held me in his arms.

To this day every man I am with is measured against him, our chemistry, his cock.  I can’t stop myself.  Every time I pull a line and haul a man aboard I wonder if it will be as good with him as it was with TN.  When I invite him over and into my bed I pray I’ll feel what I always felt with him.  When the man leaves I hope to desire him again.  When he speaks I wish to be interested.

Though the answer to all of those things is typically No and I throw him back, head to the next set of pots.  The sun on my face, the salt on my lips.

Line after line I pull.   Tirelessly, not unhappily.  Always looking, always measuring, always the fisherman.

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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9 thoughts on “I am a fisherman.
  1. I love your writing, Hy. I can taste the ocean and it fortifies, as it always does. The tides, a meditation, vast & inviting but to be respected, revered. The beginning reminds me of a scene from Il Postino in which Neruda is regaling the young postman with rhythmic metaphors. May your merman surface. Until he does, there is the zen of your words spooling in the lovely cycles of the sea!

  2. Beautiful analogies in this post. I feel your longing, my friend, and I hope for you that things will ease up soon, that you will find that special someone and that your financial situation will improve. You deserve to be happy!

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…True BloodMy Profile

  3. regardless of the artistic quality i am focused more on your message…..i think you romanticize your relationship with TN…..if it….if he were so wonderful you would still be together…..you don’t want another TN you should want, need, and deserve a partner wayyyyy better than TN….there were PLENTY of shitty things about TN……think about those…revisit the posts where he blew you off, didn’t return texts and made you question every moment he was involved in your life because it was never secure to begin with….is that what you want? i hope not…there are always going to be “things” about past relationships that will make a person smile, laugh, get horny, etc. but the most important “things” like respect and trust are never recalled because they didn’t exist

  4. Lovely post. Hy. I can imagine you peacefully checking your nets.

    Glad the ‘salt daddy’ is out our way, sorry you are still $ struggling, hopefully a truly serious sub guy playmate will pop in and hopefully, you will make a connection which allows you forget TN. The nostalgia is for the feeling, no the person, it seems.
    Liras recently posted…Oddly enoughMy Profile

  5. Early last week I googled “how to have a threesome successfully” and happened upon your blog. I read a few of your most popular posts and was hooked. I binge read over the weekend TN archives from beginning to end. I was turned on, ached, & yearned. I am now your biggest fan. Keep spreading the body love, beautiful. You may have even convinced me to participate in boobday.

    Wishing you and your little one all things good.

    Xoxo

  6. Hi there,

    It’s been a couple of years since I reached out…I come back every couple of months to see what you have been up to. I’ve been doing that since 2012. Happy New Year, btw. Let’s get the fu($ over this horrid year of loss, shall we? Ugh. My bestie is always telling me
    2016 was about endings and change. Hence the death of so many beloved people. 2017 is about new ideas and hope. I want to believe her. Anyhoo- I read some stuff about you seeking financially beneficial “arrangements”. I have been in this position and I too had a hard time with the concepts and perspectives when approaching it in reality. We initially think- I’m brave enough, open enough, jaded enough to handle what this is about….but then when it comes down to it, reality is not what we had imagined. Especially when it comes to other people’s issues/attitudes that always get thrown into the mix. I wanted an adventure… and if I gained a little from the experience, other than the experience itself, all the better. When it came down to it- I couldn’t handle how it would change me, to me. I hope that makes sense. I instead did web-cam stuff and that way- there was still the element of “imaginary”…and still got the $$$. There are many, many people out there that just want to talk, listen, imagine, create fiction, flirt…and you are stunning- and very good at all of these things. This maybe a better option for you. I know your true identity is important to safe guard, mine was too during that time- as I was in the military. But, you are very clever and I’m sure you could think of many ways to keep that covered. Don’t know if you have thought of it, just wanted to throw that out there. Adult jobs and backpages usually have this kind of stuff advertised. The better internet connection and hd webcam…the more $$. I once got paid $100 to just talk about tighty whites for 40 mins. Lol

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