I’m prime.

Forty-one.

Never gave it much thought, really.  Forty was rough, hopefully this year will be better.

My body has changed; my pics prove it.  So do my slightly tighter underpants.  My life has changed; my stress levels prove that.  And my heart has changed too.

It’s darker, farther away.  I don’t feel badly about this.  I feel safe, focused.  I know what I need to do and finding love just isn’t it.  

I’m good without it.  Alone and independent.  How can I say I don’t need anyone without sounding jaded or hurt??

The truth is, I don’t and I’m not.  I’m just very, very clear.  

I only need me.  And my baby.  Ok, and the goddamned animals, but that’s it!  Wait.  My sister, too.  I definitely need her.  

But all my friends?  The ones who half ass the friendship?  Nope, don’t need them.  The men who come and go as they please?  Nope, definitely don’t need them, either.

Forty was the year I realized how alone I am.  Maybe 41 will be the year I start to really move on and gain steam.  Make enough money, new friends, and stellar decisions.  Maybe 41 will be my year, the year my body loves me as much as I love it and the year I let it all go.

Here’s to 41.  

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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19 thoughts on “I’m prime.
  1. Happy, Happy Birthday, Hy. The best part about our 40s is there are just so few fucks left to give about anything you don’t want to. I turn 48 at the end of the month and can truly say that my 40s have been my best decade. I’ve found my voice as NDG and in real life. I am who I am. Yes, it means I’ve cut or been cut out of some lives, but I’ve found some new friends too that enrich my life beyond measure. I wish the same for you. xx

  2. You are absolutely right. You don’t need anyone.
    This doesn’t mean you don’t *want* anyone, and realising there is a difference is a big step!
    Happy birthday Hy! Here’s to health, money and love in the coming year. Whether romantic or not.
    Because… we *do* need love to feel alive!
    It starts with loving yourself, all of you, and you’re right on track there.
    Love will find you, no need to look for it :)
    🎇
    XO

  3. Happy birthday sexy lady!
    I’ve got 5 years on you, looking back the first half of my 40s was great and I hope it’s the same for you!

  4. I got 7 years on ya sista……and I have to say during my mid 46th year of life my body started rebelling……it’s hard to accept BUT my Daddy makes me feel so good about myself and that has helped me feel better about myself……I am also lucky to have support and love from everyone that writes and or reads your blog, (including you of course)
    I think you wrote this before but it is ALL about the beauty that shines out from within……and I hope none of your readers fall under “The ones who half ass the friendship” category…if there are any….it’s their loss, truly………. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!

  5. You are a beautiful woman. Inside and out. 41 is just a number… You are still the wonderful lady that you always will. As for needing anyone, that isn’t necessary to be happy… Be happy with yourself and then the rest will follow.

  6. Celebrate it, Hy! You are learning this much younger than I did and I wish I had had the level of wisdom when I was 41 that you have now. I will be 66 in a few months and I’m just beginning to understand and accept it all. Happy birthday!!

  7. Not jaded. Hurt, certainly & understandably. But injury is always fertile ground for objectivity. Or clarity, as you put it, Hy. After extensive therapy twenty plus years ago & diligently evolving the tools that I gathered there, still I grapple with believing in my independence. What do I really need? I have become increasingly convinced that the only ‘other’ anyone needs resides within and that it is that ‘other’ who will guide us unfailingly in our Desire. Because I have also become convinced that life is not about needs primarily. Life is about Desire. Our needs should always be defined relative to how they serve that goal. Otherwise they lead us astray. Great work, as always Hy! And Happy Birthday! You are an inspiration. ekses & ohs

  8. Great post, Hy.
    Hope you had a marvellous birthday. :)

    I remember – 20yrs ago(!) at university – the shop with the gag gifts etc, and the “over the hill” themes for 40+..

    In these last 2 decades, I’ve increasingly been saying to people that the “over the hill” concept has MOVED UP from 40+ to 60+ — people are “still rather young” and/or experiencing their “primes” in the 40s, and many are still quite active (generally) into their 50s, before “really settling down” in the 60s finally..

    It might be “something in the water” (or our food?), but we’re all living longer, living “better”, and feeling younger (or, at least, “more youthful”!).

    I don’t feel much different now, being just over 40 myself, than I did a handful of years ago, and I plan to remain rather youthful for a number of years to come!

    Here’s to your / our 40s, Hy! Wishing you the VERY Best, always xxx

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