I think about quitting.

Writing.  This.  You all.

I feel like I have nothing to share, nothing to say that’s worthwhile or interesting.  My life as Hy is one gigantic flaccid penis: I came months ago in resplendent spurts and opalescent arcs and now I’m flat, dry and flaky.

I’m over.

I don’t have anything current to say, no interesting story, no new perspective.  I’m still proudly flaunting my middle-aged tits, I still occasionally have interesting sex stories to tell, sometimes I have an opinion on things, but generally speaking, I don’t have anything new to say.  Not really.

I’ve made incredible friends, done incredible things, but this isn’t my job.  I have a separate career that I have to keep safe; I can’t even tell you all what it is, though I long to.  God, how I wish you all knew what I did.  I wish I could marry the two sides of me – finally – and flourish in all the Hy/Me glory I imagine is waiting for me.

I am at a crossroads which feels less like a point in which I choose right or left and more like a place in which I choose to continue or not.  I’m not sure I want to keep going.

But when I think about my life without Hy I gasp.  Literally and figuratively.  I’m not at all sure how that would work: I don’t know who I am.  Am I Hy, the body- and sex-positive writer, and advocate, The Sharer of All?  Or am I Me, the professional ________ who ______ and _______ and _________s?

My blogging friend, Livvy, wrote recently about the divisions she experiences in her professional and personal lives and I related strongly, viscerally even.

“It was while I was standing there, squeezing this stranger’s penis, that I began thinking about quite how narrow the dividing line between what is sexual and what isn’t can be, and how blurring that line can be complicated and potentially dangerous.”

I don’t squeeze penises in my professional life, but I “squeeze” other things, and I’m so tired of keeping my lives at odds.  I feel that this life as Hy in particular could benefit greatly from my other life; its openness, its specific familiarity with my heart and trials.

It’s the fear of Hy’s impact on my professional life that keeps me from even breathing a whisper of the real me to you all.  I’d like to think you’d embrace her — I’m actually certain you would — but I don’t trust a single one of my career colleagues to protect Hy.  Why would they??

I spent a portion of tonight with The Artist, just as friends.  I laughed so hard I cried because he likes to send me fucked up videos of him in masks set to flutes and REM.  I like being friends with him.  On his plant-infested balcony I talked endlessly of Luke and how I’m head over heels for him, a man I can never have.  I got to be all of my self in a pseudo-anonymous way while sitting on that third story balcony and I liked it.  A lot.

Maybe that’s what I need here.  Maybe I need a pseudo-anonymity that helps me marry the two sides of me better.  I don’t have much going on in terms of unrequited love (Luke is returning all my feelings in truckloads) and I’m not fucking much.  I feel boring and shriveled up.

I have an entire other life I’m trying to maintain and grow.  This isn’t my life.  It’s who I am, but it’s different somehow.  It’s just a facet.

I owe Girl on the Net a guest post — a year in the making at this point — and I can’t bring myself to create it.  It literally haunts me.  God only knows how others who’ve been blogging for as long as me do it.  I’m losing my will to write, to create.  It all feels false and odd and off.  I’ve been struggling to find a balance and I’ve achieved a place of non-guilt, but I truly don’t know what to do next here.  The apathy I’m experiencing is intense and sticky, pervasive.  I feel mired down, like when that beautiful stallion drowns in the swamp in Neverending Story.

I have jizzed all over my blogging life in big, pearly globs I am satisfied, scared, tired, lost — and above all else — bored.

When I wrote before about new goals and new summits I felt somewhat energetic.  Today, I feel depleted.  All I want to do is curl up in Luke’s arms and purr my happiness into his delicious skin.  Close my eyes and feel him press his heat against me, hear his voice, feel his lips, consume his very essence.

If I take a break will I have anything to return to?  My five-year anniversary is creeping up as quickly as my numbers of visitors are dropping.  You guys are sick of me, too, apparently, and I don’t fucking blame you.   I am no longer viable, no longer interesting.  Nothing is happening!  Do I care??  Does it matter??  Why do I write?  Who am I writing for?  I don’t even know anymore.  So many questions…

I am lost, yet calm.  I’ll be ok, you’ll be ok.  I’ll figure this out one way or another.

Suggestions welcome as always.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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28 thoughts on “I think about quitting.
  1. Considering you were one of the first sex blogs I started following, I personally would hate to lose you. I think you still have things to say, but it sounds like you have hit writers block, or a brick wall, or just simple fear.

    I hope you don’t stop writing and sharing. I hope you find your way, maybe a different way, in a different direction. Maybe something more educational rather than personal.

  2. I don’t think ppl have stopped being interested. I still try coming around when I can.

    If you disappeared, I’d be heartbroken. I feel like so many big bloggers that made the community of people I read have disappeared. But, it’s ultimately about doing what makes you happy. Don’t make yourself be here if it’s too hard.

  3. As Rose just mentioned I would also miss your postings. I may not often comment, but always read. You are always interesting, intriguing and thought-provoking . . . as well as, of course, entertaining and stimulating. But I know what you mean about the difficulty of maintaining two separate lives . . . family and work . . . and more “unusual” friends and lovers.
    It is difficult to find motivation and inspiration sometimes . . . and I am certainly posting less than I used to as well. But I treat it as a bit of a “release” . . . short bursts of naughty fun which I share in the hope that others may find a little humour, enjoyment and fun giggles from my frivolity and silliness.
    But I always feel that if I’m not enjoying something then I will stop doing that something for a while.
    If you need to rest to re-kindle and re-motivate then I am sure everyone of us here will understand . . . but we will still keep checking back in the hope of more of Hy’s dissolute and licentious thoughts at sometime in the future.
    Big kisses and best wishes from London
    Xxx – K
    Modesty Ablaze recently posted…Modesty Ablaze reviews the “Lust Silicone Wand” from pinkbob.comMy Profile

  4. Hi Hy.
    I am not sure if you will remember me or not. I sent a few pictures to you for Boobday a few years back. I wrote as Panty Parade back then on a blog I deleted a few years ago.
    Five years of this is a long time. I lasted under two. When I left I was trying to reinvent myself. I moved to another state. I ran away. I deleted and blocked Panty Parade from my “real” life.
    Your life with the Neighbor haunted me during that time. I was jealous of what you had even though what you had caused Hy/you so much grief. Just like with Amy Winehouse’s lyrics, your utter despondency created great art as we watched you tumble in a heap.
    Now when I read your posts (I am a current lurker, so sorry!), I am once again taken by your strong prose and your will to own your sexuality on your own terms. You are a survivor! It is different, though. You are right about that.

    I, on the other hand, had to stop blogging because my decisions to have or not have sex were more about the story. I was lost in the shuffle. It wasn’t a way to release my soul or snub my nose at the world. I was consumed by how each encounter might read. I got trapped by it.

    In some ways, I am still trapped by my stories. I think that might be how you’re currently feeling. Am I right? Even today I use them (orally, no longer written) to lure men in and push them away. I call the stories my past. But they are as alive as ever. They haunt me.
    I would not feel comfortable offering advice to you on this topic of sex blogging (you are the wise sage in this arena), but what I will say is this: it’s not your imagination that sex blogging takes its toll on our lives. It’s real and it’s daunting. I wish Hy all the best with whatever you decide to do.

  5. I’m going to say this: my blog hit its peak ages ago, and there was a time when I cared about audience and readers, when I checked my stats, when I thought it was important somehow (I don’t even know how).

    I was wrong.

    I realised at some point that it didn’t matter. None of it mattered.

    If writing was something I wanted to do, if it was useful to me, it it made me think, then it was worth doing. Even if what I write is curated and careful (which it is because it’s not really anonymous and my potentials and partners read it, which is stifling and I hate it).

    I love what you write, as do many of us. It’s open and honest and brave and fascinating. But it’s not about us.

    If you feel like writing: write. For you. For your enjoyment, entertainment, elucidation. And if not, don’t.

    Ferns
    Ferns recently posted…Washing upMy Profile

    1. I agree with you Ferns, I keep a blog, it is a public one but I share it with no one. It is there for me to just write when I need to write. Writing to me is like opening up to friend when I have things on my mind. For me it is not about who visits or comments. Oddly, tho I do not share my blog with anyone, there is something about it being public that makes the writing more therapeutic.

    2. “there was a time when I cared about audience and readers, when I checked my stats, when I thought it was important somehow ” I’m with you Ferns, I used to feel the same way. While I gave up blogging for other reasons, having that realization freed me to write about what I cared about, not caring so much about what I perceived my readers wanted to read also gave me the freedom to enjoy blogging itself again.

  6. You sound clinically depressed. Have you seen a doctor, because there is help out there. I had low level depression for years, and some of your musings made me think of how I used to be. I tried cognitive behavioural therapy, and it helped a lot. Plus I have kept a diary for 25 years and somehow the act of putting my thoughts on paper relieved my depression. I also began writing erotic fiction, which I enjoy immensely. I can channel some of my angst through my characters. These are just suggestions; things that helped me. They may or may not be of any help to you – we all have our individual mountains to climb. But I hope you will continue writing in some form. You have talent and it would be a shame if you stopped. But it is your life, and you must do what’s best for you. Good luck.
    Rachel de Vine recently posted…Casey’s Choice by Alexis AlvarezMy Profile

  7. All the feels with this post. I couldn’t have put this into better words; these reasons among others is why I’ve been on hiatus. Still, Hy you’ve got incredible online presence and you write with such eloquence and realness all at once, that losing you would be like losing a true friend. I send you love, strength, and positivity through screen. You’re a rare breed Hy. 💕
    Scarlett Dubois recently posted…The End of Le FuckboyMy Profile

  8. Please don’t quit. I visit your blog regularly and would miss your unique viewpoint on matters sexual.

    Take some time off and concentrate on other things for a while. Come back refreshed and full of ideas!

    Much love to you dear lady

  9. You might not be aware to how many of your followers enjoy your sharings and ramblings. You stated “My five-year anniversary is creeping up as quickly as my numbers of visitors are dropping.” I do not visit here as your blog is delivered to my RSS feed in my email and there is where I read your every post (which you make easy btw because the whole blog post is posted in my RSS feed as opposed to you creating a break in the feed forcing the “readmore” link to direct me to come here.
    Fall is here, the days are getting shorter and darker earlier. This could just be the blahs settling in like the colder days are.
    The vibrancy of your writings (which you are very well versed, and I admire) are always looked forward to. Some of us live vicariously through you. You make me feel good about who I am and about my high sex drive and sexuality at my age. That I have nothing to be ashamed of enjoying my kinks and fetishes as openly as I do.
    I for one thank you for this blog

  10. We all go through parts of our life that’s just normal. I guess as a blogger you constantly feel you’ve got to say something interesting or recall a naughty moment. But there are times when there are no naughty moments or interesting moments. Don’t feel you have to live up to a image a hype. Be yourself. If you have nothing to say you don’t need to say anything.

  11. Hy,

    I feel we all hit highs, lows, peak, plateau, ebb, and flow — honestly didn’t mean to rhyme that! — but honestly that is just life. Ever changing, morphing into our next transition(s). The purpose of blogging is different for everyone, but personally I do it mostly to Journal. In other words, it is for my OWN personal satisfaction and if readers/followers choose to “come in” and play, learn, share thoughts and feelings… then all the better! Particularly those among us who are like-minded perverts, kinksters… and the wonderful sapiosexuals!!!

    So PLEASE don’t go! Hang in there; find your “zone”. <3
    Professor Taboo recently posted…Protected: Memoirs of A Darker Professor – DrivenMy Profile

  12. There is an overall change happening around us … I’ve felt it all year. How I’m handling it is to listen to my own voice and follow my own intuition. Change is not bad. It only means evolution and new things are ahead. Embrace it and don’t be locked into what the past looked like in your life and writing. Follow your heart HY. Write for you. And get excited about the unknown that lies ahead. You know how to think outside the box.

    Sometimes we get trapped by the persona we have created and what we think others expect from us. It’s your voice, your heart, your life. Adventures are still ahead. Boredom is only a sign that its time to move forward.

    ~ Vista

  13. So I’m left wanting sage advice to pour out and tell you that thing you need to hear… that perfect series of words that would leave you touched, moved and inspired… leave you in such a place that the present and the future would become clear like a newly washed window…

    but I don’t have it.

    I had a wonderful dream last night… I dreamt of playing on a team and how that team was not playing up to their potential… on how that with a little bit of effort that given their talent and drive, they could be great. I remember giving a testimony that I was letting everyone down and that if we all committed to hustle more and give it our all… we would be a success… I woke with a different feel… I connected to me and my youth… How there used to be a time that no one could out hustle me… How easily it would be to re-connect to that drive as it was all a choice.

    I know that if I worked with you or were to know you in real life… I would love both sides of you… not romantic love, but love of acceptance. I know this because acceptance is already assured. Those who love you accept it all… those who can’t accept you, cannot accept themselves.

    Good luck… You have a talent for writing. You have an intelligence and wisdom… I hope you continue sharing that voice.

    I hope someday you let me paint you.

    much love

  14. I come here for your honesty and thoughtfulness, for what it’s worth. And I’m always excited to read what you write.

  15. Darling Hy,
    I think everyone has said so many wonderful things that I agree with!
    There’s not much more to say, as they’ve left many heartfelt comments, but, I am a fairly new reader… Maybe close to a year. You are one blog I never pass over. I’d miss you terribly! I’m here if you’d like to chat, please contact me. You are loved by us readers.
    Please take care of yourself, and we will be here for you.

  16. I have literally lurked here for YEARS and am finally delurking to say you CANNOT go away! Your blog is something that has seen me through difficult times (your struggle with TN and search to find someone meaningful is something I’m experiencing). I’ve laughed with you and cried with you and cheered you on. I too am a single mother in her early 40s and I understand everything you’ve been through. You may not think you have anything to say but you’re so real and honest that it doesn’t matter that we don’t know what you do in real life, or whether it’s exciting, etc. It’s your life but you’ve pulled us all in and I know that my life will be a lot worse without you in it. I’ve never taken the time to comment on a blog before but I just had to. Keep writing Hy! We depend on you!

  17. No one has given up on you… and don’t You.

    There are cycles in life, and you happen to be in one. Life will turn around for you. Besides, I live seeing your middle-age tits, so please don’t stop with the boob-selfies. Seriously, I can relate to the having to keep lives separate part, and would love not to have to. On my ‘other’ blog, I have actually written some pretty good stories and commentary over the years, some acclaimed. I had high hopes when I started this blog, but mostly just post photos of my cock. I try to be clever, amusing and artistic. Hopefully soon I will be posting more stories. (Let me know if you decide to have Cock Day Friday sometime.

    I think we all question ourselves, Hy, wondering just what the fuck we are doing. Don’t worry, that something new to say is just around the corner.
    Elliott Henry recently posted…BIG TOE PHOTO… REVISITEDMy Profile

  18. I would hate to see you go, but in the end, sweet Hy, you must do what is right for you. In the end, you are more important than any lover, any reader, anyone else. Do what feels right for YOU!

    Love ya!

    Rebel xox

  19. Oh babe. I truly feel for you. Take a break and figure things out. I love yr blog and same as everyone here would hate to see you go but if you are starting to feel this is just a hassle/work instead of feeling good writing then maybe just take a hiatus from it and keep yr thoughts on a normal notepad. And I truly hope this will make u feel happy about writing instead of a chore. Live u too bits but I rather have nothing than u being miserable and writing just because you think u have too.
    rincewind recently posted…Ohh precious moments My Profile

  20. Hy, nothing ever wrong with taking a break, when you need one. I went on one for close to 3 years.

    Some friends will leave, some will happily welcome your words, once you return. And of course, new friends are always on the horizon.

    Good wishes on your decision.

  21. ll keep this short for now…but seeing the headline of your post actually made me sad. I enjoy your writing style your wit, wisdom and humor and happiness and sadness. You’ve taught me so much on many levels and you’ve actually made me a better person because of that. I know it’s likely not possible but I wish I could learn more about you and you even about me. I hope you keep writing on here.

    thanks so much
    Kate

  22. “My five-year anniversary is creeping up as quickly as my numbers of visitors are dropping. You guys are sick of me, too, apparently, and I don’t fucking blame you. I am no longer viable, no longer interesting.” Your visitors might be dropping, but SOOO UNTRUE that you are no longer interesting. I haven’t read any of the comments yet on this post so this is probably a repeated thought, but just wanted to let you know you can take a month (or longer) off from writing and come back and we will still be here. There are several writers that I adore that haven’t wrote anything really in the past 6 months. But if they posted something tomorrow, I’d be reading it and I’d be super excited they are back. Life gets busy so I know I’m not checking your blog as ofter as I used to, but when I do check it, I enjoy reading what you have written. Even though I have never met you, I KNOW you are one intelligent and interesting lady that I would enjoy spending time with…

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